Good Moaning France!

Officer Crabtree's Fronch Phrose Berk

Bostrom, Arthur, Wakeman, Rick

• Publisher: Waterside Press
• Year: 2018
• Print ISBN: 9781909976597
• eBook ISBN: 9781910979693

A favourite character from BBC TV sitcom 'Allo 'Allo!, undercover British agent and head of Nouvion Police, Officer Crabtree, has usually sought to remain undercover if not exactly invisible—which befits his secret agent roots masquerading as a gendarme. In this delightful book, his self-taught yet masterly grasp of French speaks for itself as it falls under the spotlight as never before. From 'Ploose may I hov a kippy of the dooly nosepooper?' to 'frigs logs', 'scrimbled oggs' and 'fosh and chops' the book is a tribute to mangled words, thoughts and phrases. Arthur Bostrom, who created Crabtree on stage and screen, mixes vowels and mispronunciation as he strives to educate those less well-versed in the French longwodge. Illustrated by John Cooper and ideal for travellers and aficionados alike, Good Moaning France! is a wake-up call for anyone conceited enough to think they are competent in French (or English or any other language for that matter). Replete with essential word lists, idiosyncratic translations, misplaced intent and warnings to be careful with some words, the book also contains: examples from Crabtree's poloce newtberks, a most unhelpful index, doubtful advice on further reading, whilst filling some gaps in Crabtree's life that may have kept viewers awake over the years. With a Foreword by music legend Rick Wakeman and permission of the estates of 'Allo 'Allo! screenwriters David Croft and Jeremy Lloyd this is the perfect book for anyone crossing or travelling beneath the Channel to France.

A Poloceman’s Newt Berk (1)

At the police station in Nouvion I was issued with a notebook, and on the opposite page is a copy of my first day of note-taking on the job. As a bit of added fun, I’ve included a few randomly selected pages from my notebooks over the years I served in Nouvion during the war.

You’ll see more of these as you progress through this phrose berk. My aim is both to entertain you with a glimpse of the daily life of a French poloceman, but also to encourage you as you study.

Through reading my notes, selected from different times, you’ll be able to see how quickly I became a master of the language, and therefore how quickly you can achieve the same.

The year was nuneteen-farty-win and the month was Moo. I challenge any secret agent getting very far on foreign soil without at least knowing those two facts!

Numbers

One Win

Two Tee

Three Threw

Four Far

Five Fave

Six Sex

Seven Siven

Eight Oat

Nine Nune

Ten Tin

Ask Crabtree

Barry Cuckfield from Walthamstow asks: I’m a student and me and a few mates are thinking of going to Paris for the day. What do you suggest Crabtree?

Crabtree: There are a nimber of hip-on, hip-off tours where you get on a boat or a bus and see the city. Or you could queue to go up the Awful Tour and see the whole of Poris. If you have tome, you could witch a cabaret and see Con Con dincing. By the woo, the Fronch word for cabaret is cabaret! Crazy!

Edna from Barnsley asks: My Stan goes t’ot match ivry Satdi an supps hissen under t’table when they loise. They ’av t’beer in t’France, or what love?

Crabtree: Odna, wit longwodge are you spooking ploose?

Amelia Salt of Pangbourne asks: I work in a charity shop at weekends and have accumulated a stock of French maps from the 1930s. Has anything changed or will I find them useful?

Crabtree: Mme Silt, every thong has changed. As antiques though they may be worth something for ruddy cosh.

2

Wartime Phrases

What a big bang! Wit a bog bing!

Are bombs dropping? Are bums dripping?

Keep away from the windows! Koop awoo from the wondows!

Look! Parachutes! Lick! Parashits!

I think I’ve been shot I thonk I’ve been shat

Put that light out! Pat that loot oot!

I hear a tank I whore a tink

What time is curfew? Wit tome is corfu?

Bullet-proof vest Ballot-preef vast

Get ready to fight! Git ruddy to fart!

Let’s go into battle! Let’s goo unto bottle!

Battleship Bottleshop

Enemy tank Onomy tink

Submarine Sobmaroon

Blackout blinds Blickoot blonds

Resistance fighter Resostance farter

Copping some flak Kipping some flock

The Last Post The Lost Pist

Back to Blighty Bick to Bloaty

Air Force Oar Farce

Enemy at the gates Onomy at the goats

Luftwaffe Leftwiffer

Hitler Hotler

Ration book Russian berk

Spy network Spa nutwick

Mole Mule

Anti-aircraft guns Auntie-earcroft gins

I hope that’s given you an idea of some of the expressions I had to translate at the drop of a hat during the war. I sincerely hope you won’t have any need of them during your stay in France but, as the saying goes, ‘You nover noo!’

Table of contents

• Copyright and publication details
• About the author
• About the artist
• Reviews
• Foreword
• The author of the Foreword
• Acknowledgements
• Dedication
• Disclaimer
• List of Illustrations
• Ask Crabtree
• Introduction
• Out and About
• A Poloceman’s Newt Berk (1)
• Wartime Phrases
• A Poloceman’s Newt Berk (2)
• French Language Rules
• My Everyday Practice
• Everyday Words and Phrases
• A Poloceman’s Newt Berk (3)
• Going on Holiday to France
• A Poloceman’s Newt Berk (4)
• All About Banking
• Shopping
• A Poloceman’s Newt Berk (5)
• Living and Working in France
• A Poloceman’s Newt Berk (6)
• Music
• A Poloceman’s Newt Berk (7)
• Proverbs
• A Poloceman’s Newt Berk (8)
• Books
• Further Reading
• Undex