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Scene One
The aftermath of a party in a sparse living room, May 2016. CHRIS QUINN is asleep on an armchair. It is 6.10 a.m. He awakes. He has a penis drawn on his face. JANE SCULLY stands at the door. He looks around, she gives him a fright.
JANE. Sorry.
CHRIS. No, I’m sorry, you just gave me a fright that’s all.
JANE. I didn’t mean to.
CHRIS. Of course not.
An awkward silence.
What time is it there?
JANE. Ten past six.
CHRIS. Jesus.
Pause.
JANE. Do you mind if I get something to drink?
CHRIS. Not my flat, you don’t need my permission.
JANE. Right, yeah.
JANE goes to the fridge.
CHRIS. Wouldn’t expect much in there other than a couple of cans really. Davey and Andy have shares in Domino’s at this point.
JANE. Domino’s?
CHRIS. Pizza.
JANE. Oh, yeah.
CHRIS. Have I been asleep for long or?
JANE. Long enough to have a penis drawn on your face.
CHRIS. Oh for fuck… not again.
CHRIS stands and goes to the mirror.
JANE. I think it suits you.
CHRIS looks at JANE.
I’m joking.
CHRIS. Sorry.
Beat.
I was just being a dickhead.
They laugh.
Awkward.
I’ll have some water if you’re having one.
JANE. Sure.
JANE opens a press looking for glasses.
A mug, a bowl and a bottle of Toilet Duck.
CHRIS. I’ll leave the Toilet Duck to you, I had a couple of pints of bleach earlier, so, don’t want to be greedy.
JANE. You had a quacking good time then?
CHRIS. Mad for the quack.
JANE. Bowl it is so.
JANE pours water into the mug and bowl and hands the bowl to CHRIS. They drink.
CHRIS. Did you have a good night?
JANE. Eh…
CHRIS. I know what you mean.
JANE. Yeah.
CHRIS. All nights out feel the same once you turn twenty-five.
JANE. Maybe.
CHRIS. I’m sorry but what’s your name again? I know I’ve met you before, I just, I’ve an awful memory.
JANE. It’s Jane, Chris.
CHRIS. Jane? Sorry, we could’ve been in school together for all I know, and I still would’ve forgotten.
JANE. We were in school together, I was your teacher.
Beat.
CHRIS. What?
JANE. I’m messing with you.
CHRIS. Did I mention I was gullible too?
JANE. We have met though, a few times.
CHRIS. I thought as much.
JANE. You’re always kind of quiet, to be fair.
CHRIS. That’s me I suppose.
JANE. Not that you’d get a word in edgeways with that lot.
CHRIS. A crazy crew alright.
JANE. Were you there the night of Fiona’s house-warming? It was months ago now.
CHRIS. I don’t think so.
JANE. Are you sure? The Guards arrived after karaoke broke out into a fist fight? That’s why they call Squee ‘Garth Hooks’ now.
JANE air-boxes.
CHRIS. …
JANE (singing). I got friends in low places… That’s what he was singing, when the fight started.
CHRIS. I wasn’t there when it happened.
JANE. Oh.
CHRIS. But I definitely remember hearing about it.
JANE. Really?
CHRIS. I might’ve been there earlier that night?
JANE. I thought I saw you.
CHRIS. I try my best not to be conspicuous.
JANE. Whereas I… don’t.
Beat.
Rocked up to work the next day stinking.
CHRIS. Not too happy with you?
JANE. Are they ever? PWC aren’t the worst, though.
CHRIS. You’re an accountant then?
JANE. Oh no, mainly admin stuff, secretarial, but they don’t call it that any more.
CHRIS. Right.
Awkward pause.
JANE. Of course I’m sure you saw pictures of me that night, the karaoke one. Even if you didn’t see me in the flesh.
CHRIS. No… what?
JANE. The photo that Davey took, of me.
CHRIS. …
JANE. It was hardly a nude now but.
CHRIS. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
JANE. Sure you do. The one where I was sitting on the couch and my nipple had popped out.
CHRIS. …No.
JANE. I think he captioned it: I’d fuck the shit out of Jane Scully’s tits.
CHRIS. I swear, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
JANE. Sure you do; it was in your little WhatsApp group.
CHRIS. No. It wasn’t.
JANE. Do you think we don’t know? About your WhatsApp group? That we’re stupid? All your little pictures. They get screenshotted you know.
CHRIS. I’m in a WhatsApp group but all we really talk about is like FIFA and chicken wings. We might talk about girls the odd time but no pictures, not like that, I swear.
JANE. Well if you won’t even admit it exists.
CHRIS. I swear, I swear to you. I have never seen a photo of you or any of the girls in that group honestly.
JANE. Well there must be another group then.
CHRIS. I don’t think so.
JANE. Whatever.
CHRIS. I’m sorry that happened.
JANE. What are you sorry for, Chris? You didn’t do it.
CHRIS. No but.
JANE. But your friend Davey did.
CHRIS. He definitely didn’t. I think I’d remember a text like that.
JANE. Well don’t defend him.
CHRIS. But I don’t know what you’re talking about?
Beat.
JANE. Sorry. I shouldn’t’ve made it awkward; it was months ago now anyway and I’m hardly one to be talking.
CHRIS. It’s okay.
JANE. I mean, I’m still here amn’t I? Still going to ye’re parties. Still… you know.
Awkward pause.
CHRIS. Sleeping with him?
JANE. What do you mean by that?
CHRIS. I mean you got off with him last night, right?
JANE. ‘Got off’?
CHRIS. I was just asking.
JANE. ‘Just asking’?
CHRIS. Look, I’m sorry. I just know you were kissing him so considering you’re still here, I assumed.
JANE. Assumed what?
CHRIS non-verbally insinuates sex, JANE bats it off dismissively.
So sleeping with him would excuse the photo he took of me?
CHRIS. I’m not saying that.
JANE. Well you were saying something.
CHRIS. All I know is I’ve never seen that photo.
Awkward pause.
JANE. I better go.
JANE stands still.
CHRIS. See you then.
JANE. Do you know him well?
CHRIS. Davey? He’s my best friend.
JANE. And has he had many girlfriends or?
CHRIS. A few, he’s hardly a player now.
JANE. And the other one?
CHRIS. Andy? He has a ...
