Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling

A Guide to Brief Therapy

Everett L. Worthington Jr.

• Publisher: IVP Academic
• Year: 2013
• ISBN:
  9780830871988
• Edition: 2
• Topic: Teología y religión
• Subtopic: Ministerio cristiano

Everett L. Worthington, Jr. offers a comprehensive manual for assisting couples over common rough spots and through serious problems in a manner that is compassionate, effective and brief. His hope-focused (rather than problem-focused) approach enables couples to see that change is possible and gives them a new outlook on the future. Combining this with a brief approach that addresses the realities of managed care and tight budgets, Worthington shows how to be strategic in each counseling situation by including teaching, training, exercises, forgiveness, modeling and motivation. At the heart of the book are dozens of interventions and exercises, including- drawing on central values- promoting confession and forgiveness- strengthening communication- aiding conflict resolution- changing patterns of thinking- developing intimacy- cementing commitmentBacked by years of experience and substantial research, hope-focused marriage counseling offers hope to counselors that they can provide help to troubled couples quickly, compassionately and effectively. This paperback edition includes a new introduction, summarizing the latest findings and developments in marital counseling and applying hope-focused marriage counseling to today's cultural and clinical realities.

Part 1

Theory

Chapter 1

Brief Marital
Counseling

You can help troubled couples quickly, compassionately and effectively. It isn’t easy.

I build this approach to marital counseling on the basis of the honoring of marriage that we read throughout the Scriptures.1 Marriage is a shadow of the relationship that we are expected to have with Jesus—permanent, loving, committed (Eph 5:32).

We will have the most success with marriage counseling2—indeed with all counseling and with life in general—to the extent that we develop a healing character. That healing character is the character of Christ bursting through our own personalities. We manifest that character in our relationships with our clients, coworkers, family members and peers. Christ’s love shows up in our interactions with everyone. Christ’s love produces faith and work, which provide the basis for hope.

WALKING THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF MARITAL DEATH

An Overview of the Book and Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling

In this book I describe a brief approach to marriage counseling called hope-focused marriage counseling. I emphasize building hope throughout the counseling. I recommend this book as a manual for treating couples with marital problems in less than ten sessions.

In the first part of the book I summarize the theory. Hope-focused marriage counseling, like other forms of counseling, is based on a good relationship. The goal of professional (and sometimes pastoral) marriage counseling is to produce stronger, less troubled marriages. I show how to use a three-part strategy to build hope through fostering motivation (willpower to change), showing couples tangible ways to change (waypower to change) and strengthening their resolve to wait on God’s work in their marriage (waitpower). The strategy includes correcting weaknesses in love, faith and work. I discuss eight areas of marriage (of nine that I identify) in which problems might be concentrated.

In the second part of the book I present over one hundred in-session interventions and homework assignments to flesh out the theory. I concentrate on interventions that are physical rather than simply verbal. The physical manipulations—of objects, space or behavior—coupled with verbal processing of the interventions, are the ones that make changes seem real to couples. Real changes can be sensed. They are “sense-able,” or sensible.

Hope-focused marriage counseling, thus, involves a blueprint for marital counseling that describes your goal (produce stronger marriages), focus (promote hope), strategy, potential target areas and interventions. I have summarized the blueprint in figure 1.1.

Hope-focused marriage counseling has been used for years with couples who have sought counseling for problems.3 We have conducted substantial research on its use with couples who want to better their relationship (cleverly entitled hope-focused relationship enrichment).4 I have even adapted the approach for couples who were planning marriage (would you believe, hope-focused marital preparation?) and couples who were newly married (you’ve probably detected the pattern). In my experience, the approach works well for each type of couple.

Effectiveness (or Ineffectiveness) of Most Marital Counseling

The goal of hope-focused marriage counseling is to strengthen marriages and reduce divorce. How effective are most approaches at accomplishing such a goal?

The longer I have practiced marriage counseling, the more I have appreciated how hard it is to do well. If you counsel couples, you may not have been very successful. Under the best conditions (that is, highly skilled and experienced counselors who follow a manual that describes an effective marriage counseling protocol), counselors have traditionally not been successful at helping troubled couples avoid divorce. Consumer Reports, in a survey of consumers, found that of all the problems for which people seek counseling, marriage counseling and addictions had the least successful outcomes.5 Only about fifty percent of the clients who seek professional counseling for their troubled marriages emerge with well-functioning marriages that last over three years. That fifty-percent figure is about the same as Neil S. Jacobson reported for behavioral therapy and about the same as others have reported for other types of marriage counseling approaches.6 For counselors who are not experienced, well trained or skilled, the outcomes are worse. If some are worse, though, that suggests that some counselors have better outcomes. I want you to be one of those.

Figure 1.1. Blueprint of hope-focused marriage counseling

Marriage counseling is tough to do. If you are discouraged with your results, you are not alone. Most counselors dread dealing with troubled marriages even though troubled marriages often form the majority of their caseload.

Is the Goal I Stated Appropriate?

The goal of strengthening marriages and preventing divorce is difficult for any approach to achieve. Is the goal even appropriate for marriage counseling?

Professional marital counseling is different from (a) lay or friendship helping, (b) pastor-provided counseling within a congregational context and perhaps (c) professional pastoral counseling. The major difference is in the couple’s goals. When a couple seeks help, they do so within a context, which implies specific expectations. From a friend or lay counselor, couples expect understanding, support and perhaps uncomplicated advice. From a pastor, couples expect Christian-oriented advice and counsel. From a professional counselor, whether explicitly Christian or not, couples primarily seek aid with the presenting problem. The professional counselor is obligated, within the bounds of morality and ethics, to embrace as his or her number one priority to help strengthen the couple’s marriage (if that is what they want).

An explicitly Christian counselor might hold a secondary goal of strengthening the partner’s faith or promoting more spiritual intimacy. However, clients who pay for professional marital counseling have a right to expect that the professional counselor’s first goal concerns promoting stronger, less disturbed marriages (unless an explicit agreement is made to prioritize other goals ahead of that goal).

The professional pastoral counselor, as opposed to a congregational pastor who counsels, has the role with the most ambiguous expectations. This counselor is both a professional counselor and a member of the clergy. Which goal should take precedence? As an outsider to that profession, I do not presume to provide a definitive answer. I believe that pastoral counselors should provide a full a priori disclosure of their goals to the clients.

Earlier, I presumed one side of a continuing debate in the field of marital counseling.7 I defined the goal of marital counseling as bettering the marriage. Some marital counselors would disagree. They define the married individuals as co-clients. Their goal is to help each partner develop optimally. In such an approach, divorce might be seen as a successful outcome of marital counseling if the counselor deemed it best for both individuals (or perhaps either individual). This makes the evaluation of the effectiveness of marital counseling almost impossible to determine, given the three participants (husband, wife and counselor). For example, if one partner adamantly wants divorce and the other does not, then can one determine whether counseling has succeeded, regardless of outcome?

However, I believe that divorce is always considered a failure of marital counseling. Of course, that does not mean that maintaining an intact marriage is the most important consideration in counseling. The counselor is first responsible to maintain the physical safety of the partners. So if the husband is physically abusing the wife and she is threatening to shoot him, the wise counselor might recommend separation; this would be considered a failure to strengthen the marriage and thus be a failure of marital counseling. Some might even recommend divorce; this would also be considered a failure of marital counseling.

Conjoint Marital Counseling: The Preferred Approach

The success rate for marital counseling is better (that is, improved marriage and less chance of divorce) if the couple comes to counseling together than if partners do not come at all, do not come together or seek counseling individually.8 Couples do not have to come to counseling together. Good counseling can occur even if only one partner comes, if that person really wants to improve the marriage. If both attend counseling but only one wants to improve the marriage, success is possible. The best results occur if both partners attend counseling and if both partners are interested and involved in improving the marriage.

Hope-Starved Marriages

Few couples enter counseling with both partners fired up and eager to work. Wise counselors do not count on seeing a full caseload of highly motivated clients. Nor do wise counselors carp because their clients aren’t motivated to work. Usually, both partners are discouraged and demoralized. They lack hope. One or both may be going through the motions of counseling simply to say that they have tried everything prior to divorcing. You must actively engage the partners in working on their marriage. That depends on your character, the relationship you can form with the partners and the interactions you have with the partners.

You must work the relationship magic fast. Hope-focused marriage counseling is one long assessment sessio...