ACT ONE
Scene One
The audience enter a big and impersonal room.
There is something magnificent about it, thereās something hugely bureaucratic about it.
But most importantly of all ā
ā there is a stench of death about the place.
Two people, TWO and FOUR, are cleaning away the debris and shoes. The debris is strange. The shoes are stranger.
TWO picks up the shoes and puts them in a box. Which he then seals and marks with yesterdayās date. Whilst FOUR sweeps the rest away.
After heās packed the shoes and sheās swept the floor, they get out mops, and carefully and swiftly mop the floor. Theyāre good cleaners.
All trace of what was is removed.
TWO. Do we have clearance?
He gets a nod from stage management.
They leave the stage.
And then a bell tolls. Three times.
Our guides appear carrying chairs.
Suddenly the lights change.
And steam comes in from all the entrances as they are sealed.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR and FIVE enter the space.
FIVE looks around the gathered.
FIVE. Youād hope we were better looking. With an entrance like that, right?
āMONDAYā appears projected onto the haze.
Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening. I think you understand the situation but I am obliged to inform you officially. Yesterday you passed away. I am very sorry for your loss.
He smiles.
You will be staying here with us for one week. Everyone has a private room ā and you will be fed, watered and well looked after. No spa facilities I regret to say, as one woman ā an American ā asked the other week. She wanted to ā steam. But we encourage you to relax and make yourself comfortable. However, while youāre here, there is one thing we must ask you to do.
He looks around.
We would like you to choose one memory, which is most meaningful or precious to you. One which creates a feeling youāll be happy to ā endure within. There is a time limit for this of three days. Once youāve chosen your memory our staff will do their best to recreate it. On Saturday they will be presented to you and you will move on, taking only that memory with you.
He looks around the faces.
This process can be difficult, it can be painful even, but we are dedicated to try and make it as beautiful as possible for you. Or as beautiful as we can without steam. Thank you for listening. May your memories make you fly.
Scene Two
FOUR is pacing up and down. TWO sits behind a desk. Reading a book.
FOUR. What are you reading this week?
TWO raises up his book.
A new one. Again. How do you do it?
TWO. Perseverance.
Thereās a moment between them. FOUR starts pacing again.
FOUR. I always get so fucking nervous before these things.
TWO. Do you have to use that word?
FOUR. Iām sorry. I get so ā mega-nervous.
TWO. āMega.ā
A buzzer sounds.
FIVE. Number 286.
FOUR. There isnāt enough of us. Even Five says so.
TWO puts down his book. He looks at the time.
TWO. Are you ready?
FOUR. Iām ready.
TWO. Go on then.
FOUR. Number 286.
BEATRICE. Here.
She stands.
TWO. Good morning.
BEATRICE looks dazed.
Help her. Help her.
FOUR runs up to help her.
Are you comfortable with the step?
BEATRICE comes down the step.
BEATRICE (quietly). Iām fine, dear.
FOUR. You are Mrs Beatrice Killick?
BEATRICE (quietly). Miss.
As they reach TWO, TWO indicates on the form where FOUR has got it wrong.
FOUR. Miss. Iām sorry. I need your date of birth ā for confirmation.
TWO pulls out a chair for BEATRICE to sit.
BEATRICE (still very quietly). I was born on 3rd April, 1930.
Thereās a silence.
TWO. Miss Killick, we are ā needless to say ā very sorry for your loss.
BEATRICE. Yes. He said. I have a cat.
TWO. Is this the memory youāre thinking about?
BEATRICE. No. I have a cat. At home. A cat. Iām scared for it.
TWO. Of course you are.
BEATRICE. Can you help?
TWO. Sadly not.
BEATRICE. No one will feed it.
TWO. They will.
BEATRICE. No one will find it.
TWO. Is it hidden?
BEATRICE. Only in my house. But no one will find me.
Thereās another silence.
TWO. I canāt help you with that matter. But maybe we can talk about your memory?
BEATRICE. I donāt care about the memory. I care about my cat.
A buzzer sounds. The lights switch off on this side and light up on the other side of the room where ONE stands waiting for her client.
ONE. Number 748.
OBAFEMI TAYLOR stands.
OBAFEMI. Me.
He walks down to her.
You donāt look like an angel.
ONE. Charming of you to say so.
OBAFEMI. But youāre a sort of angel, right?
ONE. I wouldnāt say so, no. Thatās not the way, we actually have stairs for a reasonā¦
OBAFEMI. Does everyone end up here?
ONE. Yes.
OBAFEMI. Everyone?
ONE. Yes.
OBAFEMI. Regardless of good or bad?
ONE. Youāre referring to the idea of heaven and hell?
OBAFEMI. The āideaā?
ONE (wincing). That was perhaps crudely put.
OBAFEMI. Youāre really telling me this is all there is? Okay. Thatās bullshit. Okay.
A buzzer sounds.
FIVE. Number 114.
We cut again. JILL SMART is desperate to please.
JILL. It was a little far away but we decided to go on that rideā¦ the one called the Tower of Terror.
TWO. The Tower of Terror? Okay.
JILL. It was ā weād just had pancakes ā the queue took forever, but once we were on it. I sat by Noma, my friend, and we held hands all the way around, screaming our heads off. And laughing. It was ā co...