Wholeness After Betrayal

Restoring Trust in the Wake of Misconduct

Robin Hammeal-Urban

• Publisher: Morehouse Publishing
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN: 9780819231772
• eBook ISBN: 9780819231789
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Christian Ministry

In the wake of misconduct by trusted clergy and lay leaders, members of congregations find themselves adrift. Often there are deep divisions within the church and open, direct, honest communication ceases. Wholeness After Betrayal offers an understanding of these dynamics and a process to help members take the first steps toward reconciling relationships with one another. This specialized instruction is tested and proven, having been used effectively many times in a variety of congregational settings. It holds tremendous value for institutional healing, both immediately following misconduct or even decades later.

1

A Betrayal of Trust

MISCONDUCT

God is at work in the world. The work of the Church is to join in God’s mission to reconcile the brokenness of this world to God’s ever-present love. Much of this work and witness of Christ’s love is carried out by members of congregations. Regardless of variations in polity among denominations, the hearts, voices, hands, and feet of Christ are those of the members of congregations who witness the love and transformative power of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

To witness and be the presence of Christ on earth, members of congregations need to know, in their core being, the love and transformative power of Christ. To know this transformative love can be unsettling. It can challenge the rational, logical precepts and values of our dominant culture. It can turn one’s plans upside down. It can shake the foundations of people’s lives.

When congregations are trustworthy communities of faith, they can invite members to truly know the transformative power of Christ; hardness of heart and closed-minded thinking can be gently softened and pried open by trust. In healthy, vital congregations, members trust one another; they share their whole being, including their brokenness, with God and each other. Churches should be safe places for members to be wholly honest with one another, revealing who one really is in a world where that is rarely safe to do. Trust is essential for spiritual growth.

Members trust their leaders to act in the best interests of the congregation regardless of whether the leader was elected, called, or placed in a leadership position by a judicatory leader. It is this trust that creates an opportunity for members to be vulnerable when seeking a closer relationship with God. Often this trust runs deep.

At its core, congregational misconduct is a betrayal of trust by a leader who puts his or her needs before those of the people to whom he or she ministers.¹ In essence, the leader abuses the power bestowed by virtue of holding a position of leadership in a church. The opportunity to commit congregational misconduct arises from this trust. The trusted leader can be an ordained or a lay minister.

THE CHARACTERISTICS OF BETRAYAL

Many of us have experienced betrayal in our lives; a friend violates a confidence, a family member hides an addiction by creating stories to “cover up” the addictive behavior, a business partner or employee embezzles funds, a spouse engages in an affair. Betrayal occurs when a person we trust acts in ways that are not compatible with the person we believe him or her to be. The depth of betrayal depends on the level of intimacy and trust in the relationship. Betrayal is not new. People have been betraying one another for thousands of years. All people are fallible. All of us have the potential to betray those who trust us.

The pain from being wronged by a friend or a loved one is far greater and more complicated than the pain that flows from being wronged by a stranger. The Bible is full of examples of betrayal in both the Old and New Testaments. Consider the angst and pain expressed in Psalm 55:

It is not enemies who taunt me—

I could bear that;

it is not adversaries who deal

insolently with me—

I could hide from them.

But it is you, my equal,

my companion, my familiar

friend,

with whom I kept pleasant

company;

we walked in the house of God

with the throng. …

My companion laid hands on a

friend

and violated a covenant

with me

with speech smoother than

butter,

but with a heart set on war;

with words that were softer

than oil,

but in fact were drawn swords.²

For the psalmist, the pain would be bearable if the wrongdoer were an “enemy.” However, the wrongdoer was not an enemy, but a trusted companion.

SECRETIVE NATURE OF BETRAYAL

Betrayal typically involves secrecy; things are made to look one way when in reality, something quite different is going on. A person betraying another may go to great lengths to “cover up” his or her actions or intentions. The psalmist’s friend spoke “as smooth as butter” and used words that were “softer than oil,” while concealing a “heart set on war.”

The pain of betrayal is exacerbated by the secretive nature of betrayal. Secrecy and cover-up makes it hard to know where the truth lies. Secrecy makes reality hard to perceive. The difficulty in perceiving reality is twofold: first, the cover-up and secrecy make it hard to know where reality begins and ends, and second, no one wants to experience the pain that comes with discovering that they have been betrayed. In essence, the effort to avoid the pain of realizing that one has been betrayed combines with the struggle to find reality in the midst of the lies, misinformation, incomplete truths, and cover-ups.

IMPERCEPTIBILITY OF BETRAYAL

Few of us want to “see” or acknowledge that we have been betrayed. This “not wanting to see” is the same dynamic that causes parishioners not to report warning signs when a church school teacher is sexually abusing a child. This phenomenon has been summed up as, “if it’s inconceivable, it’s unperceivable.” This means that “[w]hen an event is inconceivable it’s also unperceivable. … Because it’s inconceivable to all of us that someone we know, maybe even like or admire or respect or trust, could actually sexually abuse a child. And because we can’t conceive it, our minds won’t allow us to perceive it, even in the face of compelling evidence!”³

Thus, for some members of congregations it is inconceivable that a trusted leader could commit misconduct; they cannot perceive the wrongful acts even when confronted with evidence. For them, like the psalmist, the pain of betrayal is unbearable. It is too painful to face. These members may continue to believe that their trust was, and is, well placed in the offender. Other members will believe that the misconduct occurred, feel the pain of betrayal, and question their ability to assess who is trustworthy.

There will be members who vacillate between entertaining the possibility that misconduct occurred and believing that the trusted leader would never engage in such behavior. It is essential that congregations find ways to embrace all members regardless of differences in their experiences of misconduct. To help a faith community come to terms with congregational misconduct, members need accurate, timely information about the transgression(s) and opportunities to process that information as a community.

THE PREVALENCE OF CONGREGATIONAL MISCONDUCT

Unfortunately, congregational misconduct is not a rare occurrence. The frequency of misconduct is astounding; the cases most widely reported by the press involve the sexual abuse of children by trusted ordained and lay leaders. Most people can name a church or ordained leader they knew who was implicated, in some way, of this horrific crime.

While clergy sexual misconduct (CSM) with adults does not receive the same attention in the media, it is widespread. A 2009 study of the prevalence of CSM “refute[s] the commonly held belief that it is a case of a few charismatic and powerful leaders preying on vulnerable followers.”⁴ This Baylor University study found that “more than 3% of women who had attended a congregation in the past month reported that they had been the object of CSM at some time in their adult lives; 92% of these sexual advances had been made in secret, not in open dating relationships; and 67% of the offenders were married to someone else at the time of the advance.”⁵ Notably, these numbers reflect the rate of CSM experienced by women who continue to participate in congregational life. Many women who experience CSM are unable to bring themselves to attend worship in any church.

Examining these statistics reveals that “[i]n the average American congregation of 400 persons … there are on average 7 women who have experienced CSM [as primary victims and]. … there are, on average, 32 persons who have experienced CSM in their community of faith [as secondary victims or bystanders.]”⁶ When one considers the personal connections of each of these people—connections with family, friends, and colleagues—the effects of misconduct expand exponentially to include other individuals and their communities of faith.

No denomination or faith is immune to CSM. In the Baylor University study, the “survivors [of CSM] hailed from 17 different Christian and Jewish affiliations: Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Seventh Day Adventist, Disciples of Christ, Latter Day Saints, Apostolic, Calvary Chapel, Christian Science, Church of Christ, Episcopal, Friends (Quaker), Mennonite, Evangelical, Nondenominational (Christian), and Reform Judaism.”⁷

Financial misconduct in congregations is also a relatively common occurrence. In 2006, the Center for the Study of Church Management at Villanova University conducted a study of the 174 Catholic dioceses in the United States. The chief financial officers of seventy-eight dioceses responded to the research inquiry, and “85% of the respondents acknowledged serious problems [in their parishes] in the five previous years. While 27% of respondents reported less than $50,000 in embezzlements, 11% claimed embezzlements totaling more than $500,000 and the rest were somewhere in between.”⁸ When asked why embezzlement occurs in churches, Chuck Zech, director of the Center for the Study of Church Management, replied: “Churches are too busy trusting. … They’re more like families. People can’t imagine their fellow parishioner would be stealing.”⁹ Embezzlement readily reveals the monetary costs of congregational misconduct. However, there are other “costs” which often exceed the monetary costs.

THE FAR-REACHING EFFECTS
OF CONGREGATIONAL MISCONDUCT

Betrayal can occur in any human relationship. When it occurs in a church, its effects are widespread. By its very nature, misconduct in a community of faith is n...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Acknowledgements
• Foreword by Ian T. Douglas
• Introduction
• 1 A Betrayal of Trust: Misconduct
• 2 Speaking the Truth: Disclosure
• 3 Legalities and Liabilities: Misconduct and Pastoral Care
• 4 Weighing the Risks: Responding
• 5 The Disclosure Statement: One Voice
• 6 A Disclosure Process: The Congregation
• 7 Restoring Trust: Education and Information
• 8 The Wilderness: Wandering with Intention
• 9 The Tip of the Iceberg: Spiritual and Emotional Abuse
• 10 A View from the Pew: The Role of Lay Leaders
• 11 The Victims and Offenders: Care and Support
• 12 Integration: Healing and Closure
• A Weighing the Risks: Steps and Chart
• B Disclosure Statement: Worksheet
• C Sample Disclosure Statements for Congregations
• D Sample Statements for Press
• E Disclosure Meeting: Sample Invitations for Members
• F Disclosure Meeting: Gathering Questions and Concerns Form
• G Additional Statement and Invitation from Wardens
• H Disclosure Meeting: Outline of Responsibilities
• I Checklist for Care of Victims and Offenders
• Index