Raising Emotionally Strong Boys

Tools Your Son Can Build On for Life

David Thomas

• Publisher: Bethany House Publishers
• Year: 2022
• Print ISBN: 9780764239984
• eBook ISBN: 9781493437429
• Subtopic: Developmental Psychology

About those meltdowns, blowups, and one-word answers . . .

Some say that's just how boys are--prone to outbursts or sullenness. But what's behind these and other issues?

Drawing from twenty-five years of counseling boys and working with parents, David Thomas sheds light on common emotional struggles, including anger, anxiety, and depression, and shares practical ways you can help your son be

● Resourceful--equipped to work through his emotions in constructive ways
● Aware--so that he better understands himself, including his strengths and weaknesses
● Resilient--having the capacity to cope and feel competent
● Empathetic--able to understand the feelings and experiences of others

Helpful also for grandparents, teachers, and anyone else who has a boy in their life, this book shows how a strong emotional foundation leads to a Christ-like sense of masculinity that will serve him well his whole life.

Also available: Strong and Smart, a companion workbook to help boys understand themselves better and learn how to work through overwhelming emotions--all from a biblical perspective.

4
Anxiety and Depression

At the beginning of an appointment with a new family, we take kids on a tour of the Daystar office. We offer them a snack or beverage, they meet some of the therapy dogs, and we end up in one of our offices talking about why they came. We want to first hear a student’s perspective on why their family reached out to schedule the appointment. It’s fascinating to hear kids of many ages articulate the reasons for coming and the needs that exist. It’s common for adolescent boys to say, “I don’t know” or, “It was my parents’ idea.”

I then ask, “What’s your best guess as to why your parents set this appointment?” Recently, a boy with severe anxiety (buried under years of denial) answered, “I don’t know.” He was noticeably frustrated to be having the conversation with me, and furious his parents had scheduled the time.

I never let boys off the hook with “I don’t know.” It’s a lazy emotional response and evidence of underdeveloped skills.

I asked him to make a best guess, and after some resistance and stalling, he seemed to realize I wouldn’t let him off the hook. He admitted he texted his dad that morning, asking why he had to come and wanting to cancel the appointment. I asked him to read the text exchange aloud to see if we could figure it out together.

Why are you making me go to counseling? His dad responded with six clear reasons. He reported multiple trips to the pediatrician for breathing and stomach issues that, after the boy was evaluated from head to toe by the pediatrician in multiple visits and scans, revealed nothing physical going on. He also reported his girlfriend frequently texted his parents to say she was worried about his “panic attacks and explosive anger.” There were comments from teachers and coaches voicing concern as well. When he finished reading the list, I asked him how he felt about his dad’s words.

“None of it’s true,” he responded.

That’s a classic picture of male denial. Despite observations from his mother, father, doctor, teachers, coaches, and girlfriend, he was still reluctant to admit he had a problem. I discovered he’d previously seen three counselors for one to two appointments each and refused to go back.

I challenged his parents that it was time to stop giving him a choice in whether he thought he needed help and time to start leveraging what mattered most to him.

His dad’s list also included the boy’s self-medicating with alcohol and marijuana while driving. I encouraged them to drug test him and take his car keys if they discovered he was continuing to use. Despite the concerns from multiple reliable sources, they continued to let him drive and date, and they paid for his gas, insurance, and cell phone bill, and they gave him monthly spending money. He had full support and was calling the shots. Yet he was struggling greatly, and the entire family was suffering as a result of an unwillingness to get help.

While I was meeting with his parents (for approximately twenty-five minutes), he texted his dad repeatedly and then called five times when he didn’t respond. His father held out his phone to show me the number of attempts and said, “This is what he does if we don’t respond immediately.” Anxious boys are often highly dysregulated and can’t deal with the discomfort of waiting. They ask endless questions, demand input, and anchor themselves to someone who will become their resources when they haven’t developed resourcefulness.

I reminded his parents the runway was short before he’d graduate, move away, and be on his own. They had a small window of time to fold in consistent support and equip him with the skills to navigate this debilitating anxiety. Soon they’d have no ownership over his process. This is the kind of young man who goes away to college and can easily move from experimentation to addiction. In an attempt to silence the anxiety or alleviate the depression, he needs more and more of a substance to numb the discomfort.

This unproductive cycle yields a harmful outcome of shame and substance abuse. He then experiences more shame from hiding the habit and lying to cover his tracks, in a way that only feeds the need for more. And the cycle continues.

Missing the Signs

This young man’s anxiety is a reminder that presentation is sometimes misleading. Anxious boys often look rigid, stubborn, controlling, perfectionistic, angry, or explosive. With boys, anxiety can certainly present as fearful and worried, but more often it looks agitated and explosive.

Depressed boys sometimes look sad and lethargic, but more often irritable and volatile. I once had a mom describe her depressed son as “chronically in a bad mood—a low-grade irritability he wakes up with every morning.” This young man wasn’t crying in bed, but screaming and oppositional.

When we consider the movement of anxiety and depression, we often think of going inward. Turning inward with worry or becoming isolated in sadness. Boys can certainly present with inward movement, but many times it’s outward movement. Emotional outbursts full of yelling, hitting, throwing, and threatening.

My counseling experience tells me a percentage of boys (often firstborns) demonstrate the more classic presentation of perfectionism, control, and over-performing as a means of managing anxiety. Their depression is more of an anger turned inward that drives a need to please and perform, both academically and athletically. This presentation, wherever a young man falls in birth order, results in boys who blur the line between excellence and perfection. They set the bar of performance at an unreasonable place, requiring impossible things of themselves in an effort to outrun the difficult emotions they are experiencing.

Interestingly enough, over-performing is a dressed-up version of numbing out. An inability to deal with the discomfort of life drives a need to shut down the internal storm with external performance. To the degree that I feel out of control internally, I will work to try to control something externally—people, outcomes, situations, or circumstances. It’s an attempt to quiet a storm that’s raging inside. The louder the storm, the more desperate the need for control.

Signals and Sirens

I talk with boys about how a car’s dashboard is designed to signal us in how to best care for the vehicle. We get a warning signal when a tire is low, the oil needs changing, or routine maintenance is required. As long as we respond to the signal in a timely manner by adding air to a tire, changing the oil, or capping off the wiper fluid, the car will run well.

If we get a check engine light, it may be an indicator of a larger internal issue. Depending on the vehicle, it may simply be time for a service appointment, or it may be an indicator of a greater need requiring attention. Boys need to know our bodies work in the same way. We have internal signals and sirens alerting us to something needing attention. Your body may signal you with an increased heart rate, tightness in your back or other muscles, sensations in your stomach, or tension in your head. There are many ways our bodies fire off emotional flares in a physical presentation.

Emotions are like the tire, oil, or wiper fluid lights. They alert us to experiences worth paying attention to throughout our day. Anxiety and depression are more like the check engine light, an indicator that more may be going on.

We all know ignoring a check engine light for an extended period can result in significant damage to the vehicle. There could be an internal issue that, left unattended, could harm the operating system.

To stay with this analogy a bit longer, I often explain that sometimes we can attend to the vehicle on our own. I know how to put air in the tires and top off wiper fluid. Some men know how to change the oil themselves. Yet, often times, we need a mechanic to weigh in—someone with expertise to help us assess the problem and determine a path forward.

Most men are happy to turn their vehicle over to a mechanic. Fewer men are happy to turn their well-being over to a professional such as a counselor, doctor, or pastor. Getting input from an outside source is a wise and responsible thing to do. It’s an acknowledgment that I can’t possibly know everything there is to know about something. Getting help isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of wisdom. In my opinion, putting another set of eyes on the situation is a sign of intelligence, not incompetence.

Naming/Breathing/Coping

My work with young men always starts with naming/breathing/coping. These are the ABCs of emotional work. As basic and simple as they sound, I can’t begin to tell you how many males I know who don’t have these foundational building blocks in place. Just as learning the building blocks of reading can take longer for some kids than others, learning the building blocks of emotions can be more labor-intensive for some boys.

Development, temperament, and modeling certainly impact the equation. The further a boy is into his development, the harder it can be to teach him these skills. Just as we all know it’s easier to learn a new instrument or a second language when you’re younger, the same is true with this type of learning. I’m an advocate for beginning this work as early as possible in a boy’s life, with the reminder that it’s never too late. Whatever age your son (or husband) may be as you’re reading this book, hear me say those words again: It’s never too late. It turns out you can teach an old dog new tricks. The learning may simply take longer.

Temperament will certainly play a role. Some boys are more open-minded and eager to learn. Some are more stubborn and less coachable. Some boys operate with more of a fixed mindset; some have developed more of a growth mindset. Some boys are glass half-full; some are glass half-empty. Your job is simply to lean into all of what God is revealing to you about your son’s core temperament and the direction he seems to naturally bend. Acknowledge his temperament as you teach these skills.

If a boy is parented by adults with limited emotional vocabularies and no healthy coping skills in place, he simply hasn’t had the opportunity to see enough modeling. You’ll be learning along with him, and I’d encourage you to be vocal about how you are all learning together. I think it’s great when boys hear parents acknowledge they didn’t grow up voicing feelings and have some catch-up work to do.

Naming

Naming feelings is easier done with a feelings chart in hand. It turns fill-in-the-blank into multiple choice. Boys no longer have to come up with the emotion. They can simply reference the chart for ideas. My challenge to parents is to watch for as many opportunities as possible (at the dinner table, during car time, family walks, weekend hikes) to fold emotional vocabulary into your daily conversations as you share life together and report on the events of life.

Breathing

Deep breathing is a foundational, well-researched practice for calming the brain and body. Early in my work with any boy, I’ll arm him with the skill of relaxation breathing. I begin with some basic education about the brain. I talk about how there’s blood flow moving throughout our brains, and when we are calm most of that is hovering around our prefrontal cortex, which houses our frontal lobes. Our frontal lobes help us

1. think rationally and
2. manage our emotions.

When we are emotionally charged, anxious, or worried, the blood flow moves to the back of the brain to the amygdala. The amygdala is the part of the brain that triggers a fight, flight, or freeze response. At that point, we are at a heightened state of arousal. Our job is to get the blood flow back to the front of the brain so we can think rationally and manage our emotions. Breathing is the most efficient and effective way to create that backward-to-forward movement.

Over the years I’ve done work with Navy SEALs, Army Rangers, and Special Forces members and their families. While talking about this concept, one of them called it combat breathing. They went on to share it was a necessary skill set as they’d inevitably find themselves in life-or-death situations and needing to calm their brain and body to make thoughtful, rational, strategic decisions. I liked the sound of “combat breathing” better than “deep breathing” for boys. I appreciated how it spoke to the battle going on in our brains and bodies and the fight for rational thinking and regulated emotions.

I walk boys through one to three minutes of combat breathing, asking them at the end what they feel and about any differences they notice in their body. I wear an Apple watch and will have boys take ...

Table of contents

• 1Endorsements
• 3Half Title Page
• 4Other Books by David Thomas
• 5Title Page
• 6Copyright Page
• 7Dedication
• 9Contents
• 11Foreword
• 151 Traps and Tricks
• 262 Foundation and Definition
• 433 Backward and Forward
• 614 Anxiety and Depression
• 835 Moms and Dads
• 1066 Friends and Allies
• 1217 Models and Mentors
• 1358 Upward and Outward
• 1509 Habits and Practices
• 173Conclusion
• 185Acknowledgments
• 188Notes
• 190About the Author
• 191Back Ads
• 193Back Cover