Understanding and Loving a Person with Alcohol or Drug Addiction

Biblical and Practical Wisdom to Build Empathy, Preserve Boundaries, and Show Compassion

Stephen Arterburn, David Stoop

• Publisher: David C Cook
• Year: 2018
• Print ISBN: 9780781414913
• eBook ISBN: 9780830772223
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Religion

This compassionate and helpful book educates both the mind and heart in the power of addiction and the way to help others find healing. When a family member or friend is addicted to drugs or alcohol the situation can feel hopeless and confusing. In this book, David Stoop and Stephen Arterburn help readers develop a plan of action by offering: • Insight into brain chemistry and addiction
• Real-life ideas for encouraging healthy choices
• Guidance in how to help without enabling
• The connection between depression, ADD, and trauma Stoop and Arterburn have helped thousands of people around the country understand chemical addiction and how to love someone well in the midst of this gripping disease.

Chapter One

You Are Not Alone

It was a story I’d heard many times over the years, but it felt like it could have been my own story.

When Ron and Jenny had called, they were desperate for an appointment. When they sat down in my office, they poured out their pain and concerns. Trouble had hit their family, and they didn’t know what to do about it. No one else in their circle of friends seemed to know what to do either. They had always believed that drug addiction was something that was only supposed to show up in families with major problems—­not in their family.

Ron had gone back to school to be a therapist, but he hadn’t taken the one course on addiction and alcoholism yet. I remembered that when I was in my doctoral program preparing to be a psychologist, there weren’t any courses offered on either alcoholism or drug addiction.

When one of Ron and Jenny’s daughters started withdrawing from the family, they attributed it to her possibly having ADHD or some adolescent issue or disorder, but they never thought it could be an addiction. I often meet with people who are convinced the problem with their child or spouse is really depression or bipolar disorder. Maybe he’s gotten caught up in the wrong crowd or recently experienced a traumatic event. Anything but an addiction.

Everyone begins the healing process by facing the truth. But often, when we are confronted with the fact that someone is addicted, we still want to focus on things besides the addiction—­like how her use of substances was just a way to “self-­medicate.” Parents may feel that if they can solve the obvious problem of why their child needs to self-­medicate, her addiction will just go away.

So Ron and Jenny were there to seek help in finding the cause of the problem as they saw it: a change in their daughter’s attitude toward the family. She was seldom home, and when she was, she stayed in her room with the door closed. She had also stopped talking to everyone in the family, including her brothers. Her attitude toward school had changed as well: her grades were falling, and eventually, she’d started cutting classes. The typical school system often can’t help because it’s already overloaded with its own problems—­problems we as parents also often blame for our kids’ issues at school. On top of all that, Ron and Jenny were concerned about the kinds of friends their daughter was starting to hang around with. But when they tried to deal with any of these issues, their daughter became angry and defensive. Ron and Jenny’s own heated response led to everyone getting more and more frustrated.

They didn’t know until later that one of their daughter’s “friends” had introduced her to heroin on her sixteenth birthday. From that point on, for six years, they said it felt like the family was living in hell. School soon stopped being an issue because their daughter had simply dropped out. She came home only to sleep—­meals were not on the agenda anymore. Holidays and celebratory events were times of extreme tension. She would disappear completely at times, only to show up again when she needed something.

Ron and Jenny had just described to me what are, unfortunately, common experiences for parents of a kid addicted to drugs. My own family’s story is similar to that of Ron and Jenny’s. One member of my family entered thirteen different treatment programs over his years of addiction. He left many after a day or two, as they were ineffective programs that only tried to shame the addict further. In one, he had to wear a toilet seat around his neck at the beginning, but they didn’t seem to know what to do with him after that. He did complete several programs, and twice, we went through what was called “family week.” Those weeks were enlightening, but I guess we just didn’t get the message that we were part of the problem, so both times, it wasn’t long before he relapsed and disappeared again.

Finally, our friend Stephen Arterburn, who had walked with us through most of our struggle, recommended a program developed by Joe Pursch. Dr. Pursch is the medical doctor who successfully treated Billy Carter and Betty Ford for their alcoholism. It was a totally family-­focused treatment program, and everyone in our family had to be involved.

My wife, Jan, and I were in a group with other addicts/alcoholics, and our family members were in a different group with other parents and addicts/alcoholics. I was licensed as a psychologist and was not used to being in a group—­I typically ran groups. So it was awkward, and I remember introducing myself and then adding, “I’m here because one of our kids has a problem.” Sitting opposite me was a twenty-­year-­old who I learned later was an alcoholic. He almost came off his chair as he said to me, “That’s what my dad said when he first came here. You’re going to find out you’re here because you have a problem!” And I eventually realized that he was correct!

Two things I experienced through that program changed everything. First, we had to attend weekly Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) speaker meetings, and it was the best education I have ever experienced regarding addiction. We attended these meetings almost thirty years ago, but some of the speakers were so helpful that I still remember the things they said. A speaker meeting is an AA meeting where you come in, sit down, listen as someone shares their story of addiction, and then get up and leave without saying anything yourself. I learned more from those meetings than from any continuing education course on addiction I have taken.

The second thing we had to do was attend group sessions, family counseling sessions, and Al-­Anon meetings. Al-­Anon meetings are for those who are living with an alcoholic or addict, while AA meetings are primarily for the acting alcoholic and NA meetings (Narcotics Anonymous) are specifically for drug addicts. In our weekly Al-­Anon meetings, it was a different kind of eye-­opening experience. At first, we thought the parents of the addicts and alcoholics in the meetings didn’t care about their kids, because they seemed to have lives of their own—­they knew how to laugh and enjoy themselves. But as we continued to attend, we learned that they cared deeply—­they had just released themselves of the responsibility to change their sons or daughters.

Over the years before this, I had twice tried to set up a miraculous healing experience for our kid. Both times, it seemed God was busy somewhere else—­perhaps with your child. Eventually, I would get over my frustration with God while still praying for that miracle daily. When our miracle finally came, more than twenty-­eight years ago, I had nothing to do with it—­God gets all the credit and glory. It taught me the lesson about being powerless in a way I would never forget.

Walt

Walt was my wife’s distant relative, whom she had known since he was just a little boy. Jan remembers when a car hit Walt, at the age of six; from then on, he walked with a major limp and had chronic pain. When he became an adult, he took over the responsibility for his pain medications. The meds would help at first, but eventually, he’d become tolerant to the dosage, and the doctor would have to either increase the strength of the pills or change the medication.

When his doctor tried to get him to stop taking the meds, he developed a network of several doctors to prescribe the pills for him. In this way, he was able to get enough of the pain meds he had become dependent on and thought he needed. No one knew he was doing this, not even the doctors.

When he died of an overdose some years ago, my family gathered his belongings, since he was living in our area and had no other relatives close by. We were not prepared for what we found when we opened one of his cupboards: bottle after bottle of pain killers—­too many to count. He was a casualty of a different kind of drug addiction and the victim of its consequences long before prescription drug addiction became the widespread problem it is today.

Addiction to prescription meds has been called “the hidden epidemic” because it can easily go unnoticed. No one knew that Walt was addicted; it was his secret. Things have changed somewhat today, as doctors and pharmacists now have methods that will alert them to suspicious use of a medication, making an addiction harder to hide. But at the same time, addicts are increasingly turning to illegal drugs to supplement their prescribed medications.

Marty

Marty was an integral part of her boss’s business. Together, they ran a smooth, successful operation. She knew her boss was a recovering alcoholic, but since it was under control, Marty didn’t even think about it—­that is, until Robert relapsed. At first, she was not aware of the impending problem. She didn’t know he had started drinking some wine with his dinner. Even when he started working from home, using his cell phone to keep Marty informed, she wasn’t worried.

But when Robert stopped answering the phone, Marty knew that was different. She wondered if he had fallen or somehow injured himself. Out of concern, she went to his house to check on him. He was alive, and there was no evidence of an accident. Marty instead found eleven empty wine bottles on the kitchen counter and more in the trash can outside. She questioned him, and of course, he made light of it all. When she found out he hadn’t eaten in several days, she made him dinner.

Marty was concerned about not just her job but also Robert’s health. She knew that she could manage the business for some time, but in the long run, Robert was essential to its success. So she decided that, every other day, she would either fix him dinner or bring him takeout. Then she started to worry about him driving to the store in order to replenish his stock of wine, and so she offered to go to the store to buy it for him. She shared her concerns with him, and he listened sympathetically, but nothing changed.

When a friend of Marty’s found out what she was doing, she strongly suggested that Marty start coming with her to Al-­Anon meetings. Because Marty’s friend had started to face her own issues, she knew an enabler when she saw one. Gradually, Marty started to understand that she was helping Robert perpetuate his alcohol problem. She was doing all kinds of things for him that only freed him to continue his addiction.

Finally, she not only stopped helping Robert but also told him she was going to look for another job. She was done! It didn’t take Robert long to call a recovering friend, one whom he had been avoiding, and ask him for a ride to the hospital for treatment. Marty had needed to learn that she too had a problem! She was an enabler, and she dealt with it!

Chemical Addictions

Addictions to drugs—­legal prescription drugs, illegal drugs, or alcohol—­are examples of what’s referred to as a chemical addiction. A chemical is ingested into the body, and the body reacts. A person becomes dependent on the chemical, sometimes very quickly.

The addictive process starts as soon as the chemical enters the body. Some drugs take time for dependency to develop. Other drugs are almost instantly addictive once ingested—­for example, if one hundred people were given a dose of heroin, which is highly addictive, ninety-­nine of them would become addicted to heroin with just one dose. So anyone can become addicted—­it is no respecter of persons!

Alcohol is different. Not everyone can become addicted to alcohol. Studies estimate that 8 to 10 percent of people who drink alcohol can become alcoholics. The majority of people can’t become addicted because they cannot ingest enough alcohol to become addicted. They may get very sleepy after drinking one or two drinks or experience a blinding headache if they have more than one. Some literally get sick if they drink any alcohol. These are examples of people who cannot ingest enough alcohol to become dependent and addicted.

When alcoholism runs in the extended biological family, it’s possible that random offspring will be born with the alcohol receptors already in their genes, waiting for that first drink. If they drink one drink, they will become chemically dependent on alcohol and ...

Table of contents

• Introduction by Stephen Arterburn
• 1. You Are Not Alone
• 2. Just the Facts, Ma’am
• 3. Addiction
• 4. Here’s What You Do
• 5. The Healing Journey
• 6. Why Recovery?
• About New Life Ministries
• About Stephen Arterburn
• About David Stoop