Understanding and Loving a Person with Bipolar Disorder

Biblical and Practical Wisdom to Build Empathy, Preserve Boundaries, and Show Compassion

Stephen Arterburn, Becky Lyke Brown

• Publisher: David C Cook
• Year: 2018
• Print ISBN: 9780781414920
• eBook ISBN: 9780830772735
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Religion

Becky Lyke Brown, M.S. teams up with Stephen Arterburn to offer:

• Insight into when to help and when to pull back
• How to connect with what a loved one is experiencing
• Expert advice on when and how to seek treatment
• Ideas for specific situations and conversations
• Help for self-care and personal boundaries

Brown understands that loving someone who has bipolar disorder is a challenge on a daily basis. This practical resource reminds readers they are not alone.

Chapter 1

Life with the Person Who Is Bipolar

Most days, Janet lived on pins and needles.

As we chatted in my office I noticed the stress in her face as she explained why: “Being around my son, Jack, filled my whole being with anxiety—that feeling of doom as if something bad was going to happen. I told him once that he was my ‘wonder child’ because I always wondered what he was going to say or do next. It would often be completely out of the norm, either funny or frightening.”

That wondering about what might happen next looked different when Jack was six, sixteen, twenty-six. What was consistent, for Janet, was the anxiety of being out of control.

She said, “It was hard for me to wrap my mind around his bipolar thinking. I couldn’t figure out the logic. As a teen, Jack would start and stop activities—but not because he wasn’t successful. In fact, it was the things he would excel in that he suddenly would quit without warning. He was a great soccer player, and the last game he played was the state championship where his team won. Then he was done, refusing to play for his last two years of high school. It seemed Jack could flip from obsession with an activity to hating the very same thing he once loved.”

They wanted to help Jack find peace and to discover the underlying cause of this hectic way of life. Seeking the help of the family doctor and then from a professional counselor, they were told of the diagnosis of bipolar disorder, which explained how Jack experienced life. The experience of parenting a child who was bipolar caused Janet to feel anxious and isolated. “Parenting a child with bipolar disorder can take everything you have and more. In my case, Jack was extremely cruel to us, in his words. He questioned our love and motives relentlessly.”

She went on to say, “There were no parenting books that I could read that spoke to my experience raising a mentally ill child. Friends could not relate to my parenting experience. I felt very alone and anxious.” Perhaps you can relate to Janet’s experience.

I can.

My Experience with Bipolar

Janet’s experience resonated with my own experience of an adult in our family who lived with bipolar disorder. Though I’m a professional clinical counselor who serves people just like Janet every day, her stories of life with Jack sounded a lot like scenes from our Thanksgiving dinner table and other family gatherings. The details were different, but the chaos was the same.

The hope I held on to in my own family, the hope I had for Janet, and the hope I have for you is that the person living with bipolar disorder is so much more than their diagnosis. As Janet described Jack, she didn’t have to tell me that he was loved, gifted, talented, creative, athletic, and intelligent. Because Jack was created in God’s image, I assumed it. Because I could recognize the unique strengths and giftings of my own family member, I assumed it. As we journey together, I will remind you that your loved one is not his or her diagnosis. She’s not her behavior on her worst days. Your loved one is, like you, a unique, complicated, beautiful individual who is loved by God. My hope is that, in these pages, you will find insight into your loved one and yourself and, more specifically, that you will find a way to thrive that’s not contingent on your loved one’s behavior. Because I’ve seen what’s possible, I have hope for you today.

Generations

Cynthia, another client of mine, describes her own family’s difficult history. She knew what it was like to live with those who weren’t well: “My maternal grandfather, mother, and one of my brothers all have bipolar disorder. Their refusal to seek help added a struggle and burden to their lives and for those of us in their wake.”

Cynthia’s mother, like her, had grown up in a home impacted by mental illness. She offers, “My mom told us about Grandpa’s rage. Something would set him off, and he would beat his only son while the others witnessed the pain. He didn’t trust anyone close to him and felt like the world was in ruin.” Though the disease looked different for Cynthia’s mother, the themes were the same. Cynthia said, “Mom would go from being a workaholic to barely getting out of bed. She went through extreme highs and lows, like when she came home after having back surgery and proceeded to clean the house and move living room furniture, including a large organ and piano, by herself. Stepping in to assist her led to acts of rage, screaming, and her storming off.”

As a child, Cynthia didn’t have access to the help and support that could have made a difference in the life of her family. “I honestly wish I could have been able to drop my mom off at a place of help, but unless she was suicidal or a risk of harming someone else, that was impossible. There needs to be more help for the families who suffer in silence.”

I believe that there is hope and help for families like Cynthia’s and a family like yours. My prayer has been that this book will give you the tools and insight you need to live well. Though you can’t control the choices or behaviors of your loved one, you can begin making healthy choices that allow you to flourish.

James

James, a pastor, came to see me when he could no longer manage his relationship with his wife. He told me, “My wife isn’t the person I married. I mean, she looks like her, and I know it is her, but her bipolar disorder has taken over.” His was a story I’d heard many times from spouses, children, and parents. They, like James, discover that they are in a situation they did not choose. And, like James, they realize that their future might look different from the one they once imagined.

James began living a life he’d not anticipated when his wife was diagnosed with bipolar. She was in her early thirties, and they had two small children. James said, “I had to come to terms with a new normal when she was first diagnosed. We have been open with our congregation, which has allowed others to share their struggles. It doesn’t make it easier. Coping with her moods and the many unfinished projects around our home is a part of my reality now. I am committed to her, whoever she is now, and have grieved the loss of the woman I married.”

Although heartbreaking, the journey James describes is a peek into what many families that include a person with bipolar mental illness will experience. There may even be signposts for the journey ahead of you today. You will need to release your ideas of who you believed your loved one to be. You can share your experience with people you trust. You will grieve what you’ve lost. You’ll release what you cannot control. And you’ll keep loving the person in front of you. Though the way forward may not be what you imagined for your life, trust that there is a way forward in which you will experience well-being.

Walking with a Friend

Before I’d ever considered a career in mental health, before I had resources to make sense of my experience, I witnessed the toll that mental illness could take on those who loved a person who suffered with it.

When I was very young, my best friend, Mary, lived five houses away from me. We’d tromp back and forth between our backyards and bedrooms every day. Before I had words to describe it, I noticed that Mary’s mom was different. She was the life of every party, even when there wasn’t a party. I loved her playful attitude and thought she was the funniest mom ever.

When Mary’s mom was depressed, though, it felt like that vibrant woman was completely absent. Where had she gone? I learned later that she had received electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) treatments. She was also overmedicated, which created more difficulty than the illness itself. She’d spend many hours staring out the front picture window of their home. When she was hospitalized, I didn’t understand why she wasn’t around.

Mary’s mom was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder—or “manic-depressive illness,” as it was known in the ’60s—when we were in third grade. Throughout our childhood, she continued to be in and out of the hospital.

When I look back, I can remember the sadness and fear that perpetually showed in my friend’s face as she lived through the ups and downs of her mother’s condition. She was suffering, and I had no idea how to care for her.

Light-years before I ever thought about being a therapist, I had a front-row seat to the effects of a devastating illness. And I would see this illness take over many more of those I knew and loved as my life continued.

What It Means for You

Bipolar mental illness can be a terrible disorder. But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t hope. While a diagnosis can evoke fear and pain, it can also offer a rubric for understanding what can feel so very confusing. It provides an explanation for past behavior and can even point you toward a path forward.

And that’s where this book comes in. Maintaining a relationship with an individual with bipolar disorder is complex and challenging at a variety of levels. The key to living well as you navigate a relationship with your loved one hinges on two things: understanding and love. The two are inextricable.

If you are open to learning about the disorder, if you’re eager to understand why your loved one says the things she does or acts the way he does, you will be giving a gift to your loved one and to yourself. You won’t be able to move forward into healthier living until you understand what your loved one is facing.

While valuable, understanding on its own won’t do you much good. You could read every book ever written on bipolar disorder and still continue to suffer in relation to your loved one. The win, for you and for the person you care about, is for that understanding to move from your head to your heart. The information I’ll share with you in these pages becomes useful and effectual as you live out love. As you discover some of the causes of bipolar disorder and understand how it affects your loved one, you’ll be better equipped to love well.

Loving well when a loved one lives with bipolar disorder is twofold. You can learn strategies to love your child or parent or spouse or sibling better. Discovering what helps and what hurts will help you love the person with the diagnosis. But as you grow in your understanding, you’ll also be equipped to love yourself well. And that’s no small thing. When Jesus commands us to love God and love our neighbors the way we love ourselves, His assumption is that we already love ourselves! You are worth loving, worth protecting, worth respecting. Your love for the person who suffers must always be balanced with a healthy love for your own needs.

Eggshell Living

Marcus grew up in a home with a mother who had undiagnosed bipolar disorder.

He says, “As a child, I walked on eggshells every moment of every day. I read the room, I read the mood, I read the expression on my mom’s face, on my dad’s face, I read their voices, and I read the silence. I developed a sixth sense … reading ‘emotional space.’”

This hyper-attentiveness, necessary for his emotional survival, caused Marcus to bend his behavior to the environment around him.

He reports, “I went through my childhood conforming to my mother’s emotional space every single day. If she was stable, I could be a good kid and do my chores without rocking the boat. If she was depressed and hadn’t come out of her room, then I’d better keep up with my chores and hers or my dad would end up blaming me for her rage when she would come out of that room and find things out of order.”

And as those in relationship with BD have discovered, there’s ultimately no way to do everything “right” enough to compensate for the person with BD. Marcus learned this the hard way.

“If she was manic,” he says, “well, look out. The very act of doing my chores could bring out her paranoia, and I would find myself at the business end of fury, accused of doing my chores just to manipulate her into being nice that day. It was usually a ‘nobody wins’ sort of battle, one that sometimes concluded with attempted suicide or total disappearance, which then meant a stint in the psych ward.” No matter what Marcus did or didn’t do, his efforts weren’t enough to do what...

Table of contents

• Introduction
• 1. Life with the Person Who Is Bipolar
• 2. What You’re All Experiencing
• 3. Embracing Empathy for Your Loved One
• 4. Finding Effective Treatment
• 5. Loving Them, Loving You
• 6. Try This
• 7. When Things Aren’t Working
• 8. Going the Distance
• Notes
• About New Life Ministries
• About Stephen Arterburn
• About Becky Lyke Brown