Understanding and Loving a Person with Borderline Personality Disorder

Biblical and Practical Wisdom to Build Empathy, Preserve Boundaries, and Show Compassion

Stephen Arterburn, Robert Wise

• Publisher: David C Cook
• Year: 2017
• Print ISBN:
  9780781414890
• eBook ISBN:
  9781434712356
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Religion

This book is for anyone who thought they were good friends with someone, only to be yelled at unexpectedly, for anyone who has a coworker who twists others' words, or for anyone who has a spouse who is violent and accusatory. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental illness that can make loved ones feel as if it is their fault. Stephen Arterburn and Dr. Robert Wise wants readers to know it's not their fault and there is hope. In this book, they offer readers advice on how to relate to people with BPD at home, work, and church. Readers don't need to feel alone any longer. Help is on the way.

Chapter One

Blindsided!

Do any of these sound like experiences you’ve lived through with someone you love?

• You worry that what you say may be twisted and taken out of context.
• You’ve become the target for intense and sometimes violent responses to innocent questions or simple inquiries.
• The other person seems to be denying what you know is reality, and it makes you feel crazy.
• The significant other in your life inevitably puts you down and abruptly hits you from out of nowhere.
• This important person in your life accuses you of irresponsible behavior, sexual misconduct, lies, or antagonism when you know these charges are not true.

If these are just the beginning of what you have been worrying about and struggling with, then this book will help you.

An Unexpected Visit

Alice Jones had been around the church for almost a month. The first Sunday she attended, Alice was overwhelmingly enthusiastic about what the services had meant to her that day. She particularly thanked me for how I had helped her. Since that time, I had seen her around the building several times. She had never failed to express her appreciation. When she showed up in my office one afternoon a few weeks later, I expected another round of applause.

Was I wrong!

“I was talking with one of your members,” Alice began. “She wasn’t happy.”

“Oh,” I said, “there’s a problem?”

“Seems you don’t give your members much of your personal attention,” Alice said as her smile disappeared and her eyes narrowed. “Some of your folks feel left out.”

I blinked and tried to let my mind catch up with what my ears were hearing. Nothing clicked. I wasn’t connecting with anything she was saying.

“May I sit down?” Alice asked as she dropped into the chair before I could answer. “It seems like you are so caught up in your own ideas that you don’t pay much attention to people’s problems.”

“Wait a minute,” I said, mystified. “I’ve never had anyone complain about me being indifferent. On the contrary, most people would say I’m always concerned.”

“Well, you don’t show it.”

“What are you suggesting?” I asked, now feeling defensive.

“Take me, for instance. I’ve been here for a number of weeks, and we’ve never sat down and had a personal conversation.”

“I really am not tracking with you, Alice.”

“See! That’s just it!” Her voice became shrill. “You don’t get it. Let me tell you a thing or two. I’m not going to put up with being treated indifferently. You aren’t going to use me as your punching bag!” She was now on the verge of yelling. “Get somebody else to treat like a dog. I’m out of here!” Alice stomped out of the room and slammed the door.

I don’t use this word often, but I was most definitely thunderstruck.

Hit by Lightning

If you have thought you had a relationship with someone only to be suddenly smacked in the head for some unknown reason, this book is for you. If you’ve been completely unable to comprehend something disturbing that happened with someone you thought was your friend, you’ve come to the right place. Did you ever have a cordial friendship and then suddenly the individual attacked, exploded, screamed, or accused you? Then you know how it feels to be run over by someone who might have BPD.

I’ve known people who thought they married their perfect matches only to discover that their mates were not who they appeared to be. It’s true that everyone has to make adjustments in a marriage as he or she gets to know the other person in depth, but the problems with a loved one with BPD usually demand far more than compromises and accommodation. The other person proves to be difficult, harsh, and even treacherous. How can people misread one another so much?

Some years ago, Susan came to my office for counseling. George, the man she had married, had turned into a “control freak.” Every dime she spent had to go through her husband’s hands. He demanded she keep the house in a certain order. He controlled their children as if they were horses with bits in their mouths. George was always on Susan’s case and condemned everything she did.

During the counseling process, George suddenly lost all interest in his wife and began an affair with another woman. After a confrontation with Susan one evening, he jumped on his motorcycle and went speeding down the highway. George missed a sharp turn and went flying into a freshly plowed field. A short while later, he died.

Even though George was gone, Susan struggled to understand what had gone wrong. Was it her fault? Why had this man been so impossible? Why did she feel so run over all the time?

The goal of this book is twofold. First, it will help people like Susan—and perhaps you—unravel the mystery of why these people you love are so difficult and unpredictable. You will be able to recognize a borderline personality, and you will be in a better position to respond. Second, information is power, and this book will empower you not only to understand but perhaps also to empathize with people with BPD. This won’t come naturally. People with BPD are not always loveable or easy to figure out.

We are going to examine in depth how troubled personalities operate. Although people with BPD push others to the edge, it is possible to develop empathy and insight that can lead to change. Hopefully, you will even become an agent for renewal and healing.

Not only will you discover how to understand their behavior, but you will learn to protect yourself, make your interactions with them more positive, and hopefully love them.

Don’t worry if you feel alone. Help is on the way.

Undependable

A counselor friend of mine told me about the Allan family, whom he’d known for a number of years. The mother and father had both been in and out of trouble many times. Drugs were no small part of their conflicts. Various relatives were raising their three children. Sadly, this arrangement had not worked out well for the kids.

Their youngest son, Jack, loved his mother and father despite how they treated him. Unfortunately, Jack couldn’t keep out of trouble. By the time he had become an adult, Jack had served a short prison term. Because my friend had helped the family, Jack turned to him for counseling advice.

Jack was immediately enthusiastic. He thought my friend could be his mentor and help him straighten out his life. Jack particularly wanted help with his finances. Jack believed my friend’s insights on investing could help him turn his life around and enable him to become a success.

Over the course of a month, they had several intense conversations, and then Jack made no further contact. After several weeks, my friend tried to find out what had become of Jack. Finally, he discovered that Jack had spontaneously left town and moved to Canada. He was now working as a mechanic in Calgary, Alberta. When he finally got Jack on the phone, Jack laughed and said he was playing with some children at the moment and would call back later. But my friend never heard from Jack again.

When someone abruptly drops us, treats us badly, or becomes erratic for no good reason, we are naturally bewildered. What did we do wrong? How could this have happened? Where did we miss the boat? The natural assumption is that we are somehow at fault. Self-blame is unavoidable when we have no explanation for someone’s erratic behavior. One of the most difficult aspects of working with a troubled person is that conscientious people tend to blame themselves for what went wrong. We struggle to understand what we said or did that caused the problem. We need to know why. We think it’s time to stop and recognize we’ve made a wrong turn.

I want to convince you of one thing before we go any further. Some relationships go sideways, and it might not be your fault in the least.

This book will give you insight when …

• the other person’s behavior is erratic and unpredictable.
• you feel responsible but know it can’t be your fault.
• the other person makes you feel crazy.
• the other person’s responses are not appropriate...

Table of contents

• Introduction by Stephen Arterburn
• 1. Blindsided!
• 2. Tension and Turmoil
• 3. Finding Solid Ground When the Earth Shakes
• 4. Figuring Out Where the Cannons Are
• 5. A Second Look at Anger and Boundaries
• 6. Madder Than a Hornet
• 7. The Children’s Hour
• 8. Problems in the Pew
• 9. Mess in the Marketplace
• 10. When We Feel Defeated
• 11. Staying on Course
• 12. A Friend Indeed!
• 13. Forgiveness? Really?
• Notes
• Suggested Resources
• About New Life Ministries
• About Stephen Arterburn
• About Robert Wise