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ACT ONE
In the forest. At the centre of stage a spindle, which slowly turns.
FOREST CREATURE (sung).
Once upon a time
Once upon a place in a different time . . .
Dawn breaks, the spindle disappears and the forest slowly comes to life, with strange creatures appearing from everywhere.
seed and acorn hoof and horn
all that dies must be reborn
from dusk til dawn til eve til morn
flesh shall grow then grow forlorn.
GOODY, a very shabby fairy, appears from her den.
GOODY. Oh no . . . another day.
FOREST CREATURE (sung).
love and anger joy and scorn
soon must fade, so soon must fade
for all shall meet with death’s sharp thorn
then flower anew come sun and dawn
seed and acorn hoof and horn
all that dies must be reborn
from dusk til dawn til eve til morn
flesh shall grow then grow forlorn.
OGRE (off). Humaan!
The sound of flight everywhere and FOREST CREATURES disappear, leaving GOODY alone, who goes back into her den. A terrified man runs on. He is the PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. He sprints straight across the stage.
(Off.) Humaan!
He sprints back on, climbs into GOODY’s den and is chased out.
GOODY. Ow ow ow.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Aaaaahaaaar.
GOODY. What’s the matter with you?
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. I’m frightened!
GOODY. You are, aren’t you.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Aren’t you frightened?
GOODY. Of what?
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. The Ogre!
GOODY. Oh the Ogre. No.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Why not?
GOODY. I’s a fairy.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. So?
GOODY. We taste very bitter. So no Ogre eats us.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Oh.
GOODY. They just eat humans.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Aah.
GOODY. It’s alright. Part of Ogre nature, eating humans.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Aah.
GOODY. Part of human nature, running away.
OGRE (off). Humaan.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Aaah! What’s fairy nature?
GOODY. To do good.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Well can’t you do some good and help me, I’m just a poor prince and I’ve never hurt anyone and . . .
GOODY. A prince? You’re a prince?
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Yes.
OGRE (off). Humaan!
GOODY hides the PRINCE OF QUESTIONS behind her. A huge ogre appears – large, hairy, and generally terrifying. The OGRE and GOODY scowl at each other.
Fairee.
GOODY. Yes. So away and leave me be.
OGRE. Where’s the humaan?
GOODY. That way, you great pudden.
He starts to go but stops, sniffs the air and turns back to GOODY.
What? Don’t you come near and stink maggoty breathing on me, or I’ll set fire to your hairy backside.
OGRE. I can smell him. Where’s my humaan?
GOODY shuffles round, trying to keep away.
GOODY. Calm you now, no humans here, oh cramps Goody thinks, thinks fast now . . .
OGRE. He’s mine, give him to me.
The OGRE forces GOODY over, revealing the PRINCE OF QUESTIONS.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Aaaahaaaar.
OGRE. HUMAAN.
The OGRE grabs him and drags him away, but GOODY distracts him. He stops and chases her, and she stuffs his mouth with herbs. She hangs on for dear life as he tries to get the herbs out, slowing until he drops, asleep.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. What’s happened?
GOODY. He’s eaten half my remedies, the great fatgut! He’ll be asleep a while I expect. Ogres are so stupid. But you’re a Prince?
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Yes, but what if he wakes up?
GOODY. He won’t.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. But if you’re a fairy, why didn’t you do a proper spell back then?
GOODY. Fairy business.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. But why couldn’t you?
GOODY. Eek! I didn’t do a spell because I couldn’t. Because I have no spells left. Anyway.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. But why not?
GOODY. Because.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Because what?
GOODY. Because! Because I did a bad thing, and I lost my fairy power. If I undo the bad thing by making it good again, I might get it back. And now I can, if you really are a . . .
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. But what about him? What if he wakes?
GOODY. Alright, alright.
She starts to bundle the OGRE into her den.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Where are you taking him?
GOODY. Just into my groundhole til he comes round.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. But can’t you tie him up? Give him more remedies? Kill him?
GOODY. No.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Why not?
GOODY. I’s a fairy.
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. So?
GOODY. Fairies meant to do good. Anyway, if a fairy kills, the fairy dies.
She locks the OGRE in her den.
Now. Be you a proper prince?
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. Father’s a king, Mother’s a queen, is that enough?
GOODY. A prince! At last, a prince! And I nearly let you get eaten! Be rich, prince?
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. No, but why?
GOODY. Be married, prince?
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. No, but why?
GOODY. Be brave, prince?
PRINCE OF QUESTIONS. No er yes, But why?
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