No Romance

Nancy Harris

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2021
• Print ISBN:
  9781848421615
• eBook ISBN:
  9781788505123
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

A tender and funny tale about our secret selves, No Romance is a play about our search for connection in a fractured world. It received the Stewart Parker Trust Award in 2012.

Laura has a secret. Joe's has been revealed. Peg's been keeping hers for years.

Rich with the absurdities, hypocrisies and vulnerabilities that course through our lives, Nancy Harris's No Romance playfully observes the longings, fears and desires we reveal - and don't reveal - in our closest relationships.

No Romance was first staged at the Abbey Theatre, Dublin, in 2011.

ONE

The living room of an upmarket apartment in Dublin’s city centre, now being used as a makeshift photographic studio.

The room is sparse and white and with very little furniture in it except for lights, a camera and a stool. There may also be a small makeshift screen for changing behind somewhere in a corner. A bag of ‘costumes’ LAURA has brought for the shoot sits on the floor.

A large white muslin sheet hangs against the walls. On the far wall, the muslin sheet hides an open space – like a window in the wall – that looks out into the hall. It is one of those architectural quirks of an expensive modern apartment that serves no real purpose other than to make the room a bit different. In this instance, because of the bright lights and the muslin cloth, anyone passing in the hall is lit up in silhouette.

LAURA stands in the middle of the room, heavily made-up and wearing what looks like a makeshift medieval costume with a slightly sexy twist. She looks vaguely ridiculous.

The two women stare at one another for a beat.

GAIL. Okay.

LAURA. Sorry.

GAIL. No /

LAURA. It’s a bit of a shock, I can tell by your face.

GAIL. It’s – no, it’s not a shock, it’s just /

LAURA. Not what you were expecting.

GAIL. Well /

LAURA. It’s alright. It was my sister’s bridesmaid dress. It’s a bit small for me – she’s a ten. I’m a fourteen. On a good week. And actually it doesn’t go up all the way at the back. See?

GAIL. Oh /

LAURA. But I thought, you know, that that might be good because it might look a bit – you know.

GAIL. Yes.

LAURA. Because I want it to be tight.

GAIL. Sure.

LAURA. I want it to be vampish.

GAIL. Yes.

LAURA. That’s sort of the point.

GAIL. Of course.

LAURA. And I have a wand too.

GAIL. A wand?

LAURA rummages in the bag of clothes. Pulls out a wand.

LAURA. Ta-da.

GAIL. Oh – yes, you meant a – wand-wand. I see.

LAURA holds up the wand.

So you’re a – fairy?

LAURA. Well, no. More like a princess-type thing. I think.

GAIL. Right.

LAURA. That was the idea.

GAIL. It’s just – I thought it you said you were going for a medieval look.

LAURA. Well, yeah, I am. It is medieval. A medieval princess.

GAIL. I see.

LAURA. I was thinking Guinevere. Though she was a Queen, but maybe a Queen’s more – I mean, as long as it’s not a drag queen. I don’t look like a drag queen, do I?

GAIL. No /

LAURA. It’s Knights of the Round Table I’m going for but I don’t want to be mistaken for the knight /

GAIL. No /

LAURA. If you get me. Cos they were all pretty saucy, weren’t they? Those knights in their gear. They were always off having affairs and whatnot. With comely maidens and other people’s wives. I mean, look at Guinevere.

GAIL nods.

GAIL. Hmmn.

Then confesses.

I actually don’t know anything about – Guinevere.

LAURA. Oh, she was fabulous, Guinevere. She was King Arthur’s wife, which was – quite a coup at the time. She was a Queen so technically she had it all, but she was unhappy because Arthur was off being King and spending all his time with his armies or what have you and she’s alone with a sewing kit. Then one day she meets Arthur’s handsome knight, Lancelot, who awakens her passions and is sensitive to her needs – one imagines. They fall madly in love and have a big torrid affair, which Arthur finds out about, and he sentences Guinevere to death. On a fire.

GAIL. Fire?

LAURA. Or a pyre.

GAIL. God.

LAURA. Yeah. But Lancelot rescues her and takes her away. And there’s a war of course – there usually is – and then she goes off and has to join a nunnery and… well, that’s the end of that.

GAIL. Right.

LAURA. It’s always the fucking nunnery in the end.

GAIL. I had no idea you were such an – expert on all this.

LAURA. Oh, I love all those old love stories. I love love stories. I’m going on, aren’t I? You have to stop me.

GAIL. No. It’s good to – have a context for [all this]… So you’re – Guinevere then?

LAURA. Well, I suppose. That was sort of – I mean – I didn’t really – I didn’t exactly pin anything down – in my head. But that was sort of my idea with the dress and stuff…
Guinevere. What do you think?

LAURA stands up straight and holds out the wand. GAIL surveys her.

GAIL. I think the wand is a bit confusing.

LAURA. Really?

GAIL. It’s a bit – Disney.

LAURA. Oh.

GAIL. I don’t understand what a medieval queen is doing with a wand. Wands aren’t real – if she were there with a goblet or something, I’d believe it, but a wand…

LAURA looks at the wand somewhat disheartened.

I think if you’re going to be medieval, be medieval, you know.

LAURA. You’re right. God – wand. I don’t know what I was thinking. Of course she wouldn’t have a wand. No one has a wand.

GAIL. No.

LAURA. I think I just liked the idea of holding something.

LAURA puts the wand down.

Would a riding crop be better?

GAIL. I think you’re fine as you… are.

Beat.

LAURA. Are you sure you’re alright with all this?

GAIL. Me?

LAURA. Cos I know it’s a bit /

GAIL. I’m fine /

LAURA. Not your usual run-of-the-mill Monday morning. Probably.

GAIL. There are no usual Monday mornings.

LAURA. That’s what I sort of thought. When I saw your website and the sort of stuff you’re doing now with the transsexuals and the girls in the red-light district and the – lady boys, I thought – Gail’s the one, Gail’s the one I should go to for this, she’ll get it. And now I find you’re writing a book.

GAIL. Well, no /

LAURA. I always knew you’d be famous.

GAIL. Not writing.

LAURA. Publishing.

GAIL. Hoping to publish.

LAURA. Your very own book.

GAIL. Yes.

LAURA. With your very own words.

GAIL. Yes. Well, no. There’s no real words. Or if there are, someone else will – I might write the foreword but mainly – mainly it’s a collection of my photographs. Over the years.

LAURA. That’s bloody brilliant, isn’t it?

GAIL. Yes. Well, it will be. If it goes ahead. If this meeting today goes well. But I mean – there are no guarantees – so let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

GAIL starts to set up the room.

LAURA. Did you always know you were going to be famous?

GAIL. What?

LAURA. In school? Did you always know deep down you’d be better than everyone else?

GAIL. No.

LAURA. Ah you did.

GAIL. Don’t be silly.

LAURA. Course you did.

GAIL. I did not.

LAURA. You had an aura. Everyone used say.

GAIL. No they didn’t.

LAURA. They did so. It was because you never used to speak. And you we...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Contents
• Original Production Details
• Dedication
• Note on Text
• Author’s Note
• Characters
• No Romance
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information