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ACT ONE
1. The Trout Inn
MALCOLM. I’m Malcolm Polstead.
I was twelve when all this began, still living with my mum at The Trout Inn, Godstow.
MRS POLSTEAD (bustling). Look sharp, / Malcolm.
MALCOLM. Large Terrace with stunning views of The Thames.
Traditional Home-cooked Food.
We serve eighteen Traditional-brewed / Ales…
MRS POLSTEAD. Opening time… one minute, Malcolm!
MALCOLM. And of course…
my dæmon…
Asta…
Hadn’t settled yet, had you?
ASTA appears from somewhere about MALCOLM’s person… a mouse.
ASTA. Well… you hadn’t settled. You were only twelve.
MALCOLM. I know.
ASTA. Mouse one minute, lizard the next…
MALCOLM. The day this began… At this moment a… kingfisher.
You were very changeable.
ASTA. Only because you were. It was puberty.
MALCOLM. I know.
ASTA. Honestly, I was glad when that was over. So I could be just one thing.
MRS POLSTEAD. Malcolm! Working not thinking!
MALCOLM. Mum, when did your Brian settle as a badger?
MRS POLSTEAD. Was it sixteen, Brian?
BRIAN. Seventeen. When you came to work here.
MALCOLM. Why did you finally settle as a badger, Brian?
BRIAN. She’s a pub landlady. We needed a strong body.
MRS POLSTEAD. And big paws! Customers, Malcolm!
TROUT CUSTOMERS and their DÆMONS arrive.
MALCOLM. All our regular customers were great arguers… for instance they’d argue about our terrible weather.
TROUT CUSTOMERS. Stopped raining at last.
No it’s still spitting.
I remember when summer / allus meant sun.
It’s something messing with the sky…
No… It’s something stirring up the water…
MALCOLM. The scholars from Oxford downriver were great arguers.
ROSEMARY. You’re not seriously talking about the uncertainty principle…???
MURIEL. You must admit there is inherent uncertainty in the act of measuring a variable of a particle…
MALCOLM. What’s the uncertainty principle, Professor?
MURIEL. Well, that’s an interesting question, Malcolm.
ROSEMARY. No, it’s really not!
(Glasses are empty.) Another?
MALCOLM and MRS POLSTEAD get busy serving.
GEORGE BOATWRIGHT. Brenda! Another pint of Old Traditional when you’re ready!
MRS POLSTEAD. That’s your third, George Boatwright.
GEORGE BOATWRIGHT. I’m drinking to forget these woeful election results, Brenda.
MALCOLM. There’d just been an election.
TROUT CUSTOMERS. What about this election / then?
Well… I’m very pleased!
Well, I’m / not!
You can stop that crowing!
I thought it couldn’t / get worse!
Well, it just did!
We’re in for a rough ride now!
MALCOLM. The scholars even argued about their dæmons!
ROSEMARY. We know the settled form of the dæmon reflects its person’s character /
All DÆMONS take an interest in this.
MURIEL. / Well that’s the current thinking,
but I would argue it is an external manifestation of the soul.
ROSEMARY. But we agree the dæmon chooses its settled form, ergo
humans who don’t like their settled form are conflicted…
MURIEL. Until they achieve self-acceptance.
MALCOLM. Mum’s dæmon Brian just dozes all the time while Mum bustles.
Mum, are you conflicted?
MRS POLSTEAD. No, Malcolm, I’m just run off my feet being civil to everybody!
BRIAN. So I helps out by having her true opinions and keeping them to ourselves.
Right, Brenda?
MRS POLSTEAD. Right, Brian.
GEORGE BOATWRIGHT. Unfortunately, me and hers –
(His STAFFIE DÆMON.) made the other way round.
I got all the opinions… she keeps her mouth zipped.
Put a half of Old Traditional in there, Brenda.
MRS POLSTEAD. That’ll be three and a half, George Boatwright.
GEORGE BOATWRIGHT. It’s my silent protest, Brenda!
MALCOLM. Then…
two strangers entered our pub,
and everybody’s life changed.
LORD NUGENT and ROBERT LUCKHURST, with their DÆMONS, enter the pub. Umbrellas. They’re soaking. Stand waiting.
TROUT CUSTOMERS. See who that is?
What?
There! By the / door!
Just come in!
Who! / Who?
Lord Nugent!
The Lord Chancellor / Lord Nugent?
The ‘Lord Chancellor of Bloody England’ / Lord Nugent?
Don’t look! / It is him!
A bloody lemur!
That’s his dæmon alright…
A bloody lemur!
NUGENT. I’ve been spotted.
MRS POLSTEAD.
Lord Nugent! The Trout Inn is very honoured.
Sir! Sirs! Do sit do...
