Chapter One
As soon as I got in from the shops I stowed my bag and hurried to the kitchen. There was, reassuringly, no smell of burning.
Iād only realised once I put the beef joint in that I hadnāt replaced the wine I bought to go with it. Marshal said it wasnāt the right kind and I wanted to impress, make it look like I knew what I was doing. I hadnāt managed to find any goose fat for the roast potatoes either, which was why I just slogged all the way to the town centre to get it from Waitrose. I would have managed with sunflower oil, but Marshal looked so disappointed when I suggested that.
The idea to host Sunday lunch was Marshalās. A surprise for me, heād said. Heād visited Crossley Court ā his ancestral home ā last weekend and returned having invited his parents. We never had Sunday lunch, or at least, not a roast. It was normally our day for food shopping and having eggs on toast afterwards. Iād never cooked a full-on roast before. Certainly not for his parents. They were lovely to me but his dad was still an MP and his mother, Enid, a columnist for some posh magazine which you basically had to have a peerage to subscribe to. They had a professional chef on staff at Crossley. I barely had a C in Food Technology.
āPlease can we go out?ā I asked Marshal when he broke the news.
āBut they really want to see what weāve done with the house. I thought youād want to show it off. Arenāt you proud of it?ā
āI do and I am. Itās just ā¦ I donāt want them to be disappointed.ā
āWhy would they be disappointed to spend an afternoon with their charming daughter-in-law? Youāre family,ā Marshal said, kissing me on the forehead. āAnyway, Iāll be here so you know just how to get it right.ā
To him, it was a family lunch. To me it was the first family get-together in our new home, with his parents, who just happened to be insanely wealthy and featured weekly in several national papers.
So I was already nervous and then Marshal waited until last night to drop the bombshell that he had to play golf on Sunday morning. It was a networking thing with one of his colleagues on the council and someone from a building firm. I did ask if he could cancel it but he pulled a face and asked if that was really what I wanted. He also casually asked what I had planned for dessert, which I didnāt know was expected. He said he might be able to go out of his way and pick something up.
I started preparing the potatoes, checking the three separate recipes Iād printed out for all the tips and tricks they had to offer. The smell of the roasting beef was making me nauseous, so much so that I had to open a window. It was strange. I liked my steaks rare, even blue if I could find somewhere that would serve it. Marshal liked to joke every time that the waiter should ājust wipe its backside and put it on a plate, still mooingā. The sight and smell of meat never bothered me. Yet now I was struggling not to retch, struggling and failing.
I made it to the cloakroom just in time. Afterwards, I rested my sweaty face against the cool tile of the wall. Fuckās sake. Today of all days. When I could manage it I stood up and opened the medicine cabinet, rinsed my mouth and took a seasickness pill in case it helped. The smell of beef was still wafting through the house, turning my stomach.
My eyes landed on the box of tampons as I replaced the pills. I froze. No. No, that could not be it. I pulled out my phone in a panic and checked my calendar app. The little red paintbrush sticker didnāt appear on the current month. I scrolled back, counted forwards.
I hadnāt had a period in over a month. Even though, two weeks ago, I ended my pack of the pill and took the placebos. I was meant to get it then but there had only been some spotting. I just went on to the next pack, thinking it was a light one. How could I have let it slip my mind? I just forgot about it in favour of obsessing over recipes and gravy hacks.
I looked into my own frightened eyes, reflected back at me from the medicine cabinet. Marshal and I hadnāt really talked about kids. Not since he casually mentioned on our honeymoon that I could stop taking the pill and I laughed and said it was a bit soon. So I just kept taking it, thinking maybe one day ā¦
I dreaded it coming up again to be honest. He was the kind of sweet, simple guy who just assumed everyone wanted to get married and start a family, which I did, totally. I just wanted to wait for a while. Until ā¦ well, until it felt right. Until I was ready.
To be honest, I still didnāt think I deserved him or the life we had together. Not after what Iād come from. Not when I was hiding it all from him. My past, my family history.
It had been a moment of weakness, letting Marshal into my life. I met him at a fundraising fair for the hospital. I was a volunteer from the back office and he was there to shake hands and give a speech. I bumped into him, spilled his wine all over me, and was apologising when he asked me out for dinner after the event. I was too surprised to say no. He was interesting to talk to, considerate and sweet. But it was the way he left space for me that had me agreeing to a second date. He let me offer to pay for my meal, didnāt try to dissuade me from taking the bus home. He asked if he could kiss me goodnight. He was careful and respectful and I wanted more than anything to spend more time in his gentle company.
Somehow it got out of hand. I never meant to get serious but suddenly I couldnāt imagine losing him, being alone again. So we got married. Even after I found out he was one of those Townsends. Even after I realised what a risk I was taking, making myself so visible, so vulnerable as to need another person so much.
I grabbed my handbag and hurried to the corner shop. With two pregnancy tests in my coat pocket, I came back and shut myself in the cloakroom. After using both I sat and waited for the results, spraying eau de toilette to cover the smell of roast beef that was still making my stomach churn.
Marriage was one thing. I managed to convince myself that I was safe with Marshal. That, even if I was in too deep now to tell him about my past, we could still be together. I could still make him happy. I worked so hard at it, reading his moods, his needs, soothing his temper and making him laugh when he was stressed.
But a child? How could I create a whole new person, just to lie to them? How could I be a good mother when I never knew one? If I was being honest with myself, I never even knew how to be a kid. So how could I possibly raise one? The thought of heaping my issues on an innocent baby, the fear that looking at them might remind me more clearly of things I wanted to forget, scared the shit out of me. How could I make an innocent child live with that?
I checked the tests, hoping against hope for a negative. One was inconclusive, the other positive. I looked down at the little symbol, feeling so much that I couldnāt tell what my reaction really was. Fear? Guilt? Horror? Need? Heartbreak? Love? It was all whirling too fast to tell.
What was I going to do? What could I do? The weight of every lie and half-truth Iād told was pressing down on me. There was no way out. No way through. I couldnāt tell Marshal about any of my worries without first admitting that Iād lied to him, without telling him about the mess my childhood had been.
I began to cry, hating myself ā for not being happy, for not seeing this coming, for lying because I was too scared of losing the only good person I ever knew, the only person who would ever love me.
The front door opened and I heard Marshalās golf bag trundling along the hall.
āLucy? Youāll never believe ā¦ Luce?ā
He must have wandered into the empty kitchen. I heard him go to the lounge, then call up the stairs.
āLuce? Where are you?ā
āIn here,ā I called, wishing he would have just stayed away for a few more minutes. I needed time to think and I couldnāt be the Lucy I needed to be with him there. The real me. With him I wanted to be the normal Lucy, a wife pregnant with her first baby. Happy and without even the tiniest doubt in her mind.
āYou all right?ā he asked through the door. āDo you need anything?ā
āNo. Just a bit under the weather, but Iām OK now.ā I shoved the two tests into a box and into my pocket, then pressed some wet tissue to my eyes to get rid of the puffiness. I opened the door and smiled.
āHow was golf?ā
āBloody boring ā because, you know, it was golf ā but productive. Iām so sorry I couldnāt be here to help, but I did drive by the patisserie on the hill to buy something for dessert.ā
āYouāre a lifesaver,ā I said. āBear with me, Iāve got roasties to put on. I hurried to the kitchen where my spuds had gone past parboiled and were now just plain mushy. Only an hour ago that had been the biggest issue on my mind.
āLuce?ā I heard Marshal come in behind me.
āMmm? Bugger!ā I snatched my hand back from the hot water splashing out of the colander and sucked the burn. I heard him sigh. He hated it when I swore. I turned around and froze, spotting the box in Marshalās hand. The one from the second test, which I forgot to pick up off the floor.
āAre you ā¦ā his ears were pink and he was gesturing at my stomach.
I wanted to say no. I wanted more time to think before I had to start acting the part. I wanted to run away, to hide. I didnāt want to look in his eyes and see how much he wanted this.
Trapped, I nodded.
āOh my God!ā He crossed the kitchen and squeezed me into a hug. āThatās amazing news! Did you just find out?ā
āYes, just now,ā I said, struggling to find the words. He didnāt seem to notice my difficulty.
āMum and Dad are going to be so pleased!ā He checked his watch. āIf I run out now we can surprise them with champagne!ā
He bounded off to get his car keys and then came rushing back and kissed me on the cheek.
āYou are incredible. You know that?ā
I forced a smile and he kissed me again before hurrying out to the hall. I heard the front door shut behind him and sagged against the kitchen counter.
Now what the hell was I going to do?
Chapter Two
Enid and Marshal Senior arrived exactly on time. I could have done with longer to prepare myself, but to be honest, I was never going to be ready to tell them about the pregnancy. I wasnāt even ready for the pregnancy. Not that it mattered, it was happening either way.
Marshal got the door whilst I hurriedly finished setting the table. We were actually using the dining table for once, instead of the breakfast bar or the living room. I had to find the linen tablecloth and napkin set we were given as a wedding present.
Marshal Senior came in first, booming out a greeting and opening his arms to beckon me in for a kiss on the cheek. I went over, even though I hated being kissed by anyone I wasnāt in a relationship with. Especially Marshalās dad, whose strong aftershave always triggered my allergies. But I didnāt want to be rude. His dad took me by the shoulder and looked me over.
āYou look very pink in the cheeks, Lucy. I hope youāve not gone to too much trouble for us?ā
āNot at all,ā I said, trying to come up with something to say about the food or the wine but unable to think of anything. āIāll be dishing up soon,ā I finished, feeling stupid.
āGlad to hear it. Weāve been looking forward to this all week, havenāt we?ā he said to Enid, who was unwinding her silk scarf and draping it on Marshalās hands along with her blazer.
āOh yes,ā she said, coming over and taking my hand to squeeze. āI love what youāve done with the house. So ā¦ welcoming.ā
I took the pause personally. It felt pointed, even though Marshal had made as many decorating decisions as I did. He picked the green for the walls and the wood finish in the hall, whilst I chose the cabinets and surfaces. Well, I picked the ones he said he liked. Still, I felt like I was the one being judged for the overall effect. Something about that āwelcomingā said āunrefinedā or even ācommonā, to me at least. Marshal didnāt seem to notice, or if he did, he wasnāt bothered by it.
āCome and have a seat. Weāll have some wine before lunch,ā he said, ushering them towards the table. I noticed Enid looking doubtfully at the IKEA cushion. She wasnāt trying to be unkind, she just noticed things like that. It was her job to assess decor and fashion. Remembering this I glanced down and realised I was wearing mismatched, fluffy socks over my tights. I meant to put heels on before they arrived. Shit.
Marshal brought over the champagne and opened the bottle, pouring a glass for everyone, though he hesitated over mine. He picked his glass up but didnāt sit down. His dad looked to him expectantly.
āAre you making an announcement?ā he asked, in his usual loud and slightly amused tone. āAre we in the company of a future mayoral candidate?ā
āNot quite,ā Marshal said, clearly having fun with the mystery. I felt like jumping up to clap my hand over his mouth. Anything to stop this from going any further.
āLucy and I have an announcement, though itās early days. Weāve just found out that sheās pregnant!ā
Enid turned to me, delight all over her normally composed expression. Marshalās dad leaped up and hugged his son.
āWell done!ā He pulled back and punched him on the arm like they were rugby teammates. āAbout time!ā
āHow far along are you?ā Enid asked.
āOh ā¦ Iām not sure. A few weeks,ā I said. āEarly days yet.ā
āYou can never start planning too soon,ā she said, taking out a designer leather notebook and silver fountain pen. āThereās the pregnancy announcement, finding the right maternity hospital, then the christening. Weāll have to get his name put down for school.ā
āI donāt think we know which schools weād pick yet,ā I said, half-laughing uncomfortably, āand we donāt know the sex. It could be a girl.ā
Although I hoped not. It would be too much like history repeating itself.
āTownsendsā firstborn are always sons,ā Enid insisted.
āHeāll be going to King Edwardās of course. Like his father and his grandfather,ā Marshal Senior boomed, interrupting her.
I let them carry on. I suppose I should have felt indignant at being sidelined but in reality, I felt relieved. It was almost as if it wasnāt my baby at all, but theirs. I wouldnāt have to be part of anything that came after simply having it. Though of course as soon as I found myself thinking that I felt guilty. What was the matter with me?
In the time since taking the test and Marshal finding out, I decided I had to try and get on board with what was happening. I could do this for Marshal, even if it scared me. I would do it. I just had to push through until everything became perfect. It would be eventually, I was sure of it.
Lunch was almost a success. The beef was cooke...
