The Smart Stepdad

Steps to Help You Succeed

Ron L. Deal

• Publisher: Bethany House Publishers
• Year: 2011
• Print ISBN: 9780764234491
• eBook ISBN: 9781441214645

While resources abound for stepmothers, stepfathers are often left to travel a difficult road without clear directions. Ron Deal offers advice for men navigating the stepfamily minefield, including how to connect with stepchildren, being a godly role model, how to discipline, dealing with the biological dad, and keeping the bond strong with one's new spouse. He gives perspective on what the kids are going through and why things don't work the same as in a biological family. The Smart Stepdad provides essential guidelines to help stepfathers not only survive but succeed as both dad and husband.

Section II

Getting Smart:
The Stepparenting Team

Okay. Let’s get practical. Becoming a Smart Stepdad involves:

• teamwork with your wife;
• having an ambassador attitude toward the other home;
• understanding what motivates the attitudes and behaviors of stepchildren; and
• having a full set of tools in your parenting toolbox.

This section will walk both you and your wife (or dating partner) through each of these topics. Her too? Yes, the next two chapters are written for both you and her. Parenting in stepfamilies is a team sport; you must learn to work together. Your success as stepdad is heavily dependent upon your wife’s help, support, and partnership in parenting. Chapters 5 and 6 will help your wife (or dating partner) understand her role as your teammate, so invite her to read them with you. Doing your job pivots on her doing hers. Let’s start there.

Chapter 5

Mom Smart (Part 1):
He Can’t Do It Without You

My stepdaughter did not respect me, and my wife didn’t back me up; we did not stand together and it caused a lot of arguments and division in our home.

Anthony, stepdad to two, father to one

Welcome, Mom! It’s an honor to have you join your boyfriend or husband and me for this part of our journey up Stepdad Mountain. (If you haven’t read any of the previous chapters, ask him to explain what that means.)

He can’t do it without you. “Do what?” you ask. Be successful as a stepfather. Yes, he’s a great guy and the man of your dreams (or hopefully he at least looks like the man of your dreams), but being a stepdad is as much about the mom as it is about him. That’s why we’ve asked you to read chapters 5 and 6 with us, so the two of you can strengthen your parenting alliance and together bring many blessings to your children. (By the way, you are welcome to read the rest of the book, as well. We’re not hiding anything.) This, of course, will also reap many rewards for your marriage. After all, couples in stepfamilies are most frequently undone if they can’t find a mutually agreeable role for the stepfather. Getting you two on the same parenting page really is important. You don’t want to be like Anthony and Linda.

Anthony was smart enough to recognize that Linda needed to be the primary authority for her two daughters. He respected her role and didn’t try to force his way in. That was pretty easy with the younger stepdaughter, but not so much with Lauren, the fifteen-year-old. Lauren didn’t respect Anthony and was pretty vocal about her feelings toward him. “He’s not my dad and never will be,” she’d repeat. “He’s so annoying.”

Linda felt caught between Lauren and Anthony. Peace between them seemed impossible no matter what she did, but nevertheless, she tried to be the peacemaker. Part of the problem was that Lauren knew when to play the game; she rarely showed her venom toward Anthony unless her mother was not around. That’s when her icy stares and passive resistance really shone through. Because Linda didn’t see this behavior, she found it difficult to hear Anthony’s complaints. Instead, she tended to defend her daughter.

Anthony recounted a typical scenario. “Lauren has a hard time answering to me for anything. When her mom’s around she will ask her for permission, but if not, she bypasses me altogether and just does it. I would get mad and blow my top, her mother would defend her, and the cycle would repeat itself over and over again. There’s nothing worse than feeling divided in your marriage and marginalized in your own home.”

There are a number of observations we can make from this story:

• Anthony knew enough to let his wife take the lead with her daughters (I’ll say more about this later), but because Linda didn’t create an expectation of respect from Lauren toward Anthony, there was none. He felt betrayed and defeated.
• Feelings of defeat brought out Anthony’s anger and “rough edges” (see chapter 1). He needs to better manage his reactions; a harsh response makes Linda’s support even more unlikely.
• Stepdads have limited power with children, especially in the first few years. It is the mom’s job to set him up for success.

Now, let’s take some time to unpack these observations.

From Good to Great

There are lots of good teams, but there are only a few great ones. Here are five key principles to move the two of you toward greatness.

Principle 1: Moms Should Take the Primary Parenting Role With Their Kids; Stepdads the Secondary Role

A stepfather’s role has many uncertainties surrounding it for children, adults, and extended family members. But no one questions Mom’s role. That’s why you must stay the chief parent in your home, especially around matters of nurturance, comfort, and punishment. If you were lax in following through with consequences as a single parent, you must pick up the role of being the “bad guy.” Don’t try to hand that off to your husband as “man of the house.” Until he has developed a strong bond of trust with your children, which can take many years, he can’t take on that responsibility. It must fall to you.

For Mom

During the early years of stepfamily living, mothers sometimes decrease discipline and supervision of their children. This creates a gap in family structure that tempts stepdads to step in when the timing may not be best. Have you dropped the ball?

In other words, stepdads can be a husband much sooner than they can be a father. The pace and timing of moving into a parenting role is a complicated process that is moderated by several issues, including the ages and personalities of your children, the relationship they have with their biological father, the number of losses they have experienced, how much time they spend in your home—the list goes on. The point is, always and forever, you are the safest, most well-defined parent figure in your home. Therefore, you must act like it.

First Violin, Second Violin. Family therapist Bill Doherty uses an analogy to articulate this principle: Biological parents play first violin, and stepparents second violin.20 In biological families, both Mom and Dad can play first violin with the children because they hold equal status with the kids. Unless your husband and children have many years of relationship under their belts, it’s likely that he does not have first-violin status whether you like it or not. So play to your strengths.

In a symphony, first violins and second violins play the same notes, but first violins take the lead and set the pace for the violin section. Similarly, you and your husband must play and determine your parenting notes together. Rather than trying to play a solo in every circumstance, you should find ways of making him part of the music. But you will by default take the lead much of the time with your children.

Stepdad to Stepdad

“Function like a parent, but always remember that you are not a parent.”

Ronald

“Understand that generally you are not the lead parent, but that does not diminish at all the importance of your role.”

Danny

“Initially I suggest that a stepdad speak to his spouse about what he dislikes about the stepkids’ behavior—but more as an observer than as an active participant. It is important that my wife and stepkids know where my boundaries are, but I do not feel that it is my place to discipline them before we have some shared experiences together. I now know that there is so much more to be gained by my expressions of love than my delivering of punishment.”

Tim

Practically this means that he must seek a balance in the parenting tasks of conveying warmth and nurturance to children while providing some oversight to their behavior. Behind closed doors you may negotiate household expectations together (see the parental unity rules below), but he’ll leave delivering those expectations to you since you are the mom. He can then function in a “supportive to the rules” role: carrying out the morning routine before school, checking on homework, giving allowances, supervising chores and the daily schedule, and teaching moral and spiritual lessons when appropriate. This leaves the more intimate aspects of parenting—for example, coaching children through their fears, struggles, and heartaches—to their mother. Please keep in mind that as his relationship with the children deepens he will be able to grow into a first violin role as well.

It Helps If You Follow the Parental Unity Rules

• Rule #1: Be proactive together. Don’t wait until problems occur. Whenever possible, anticipate situations and set boundaries. This should include discussion to determine behavioral expectations, preferred methods of punishment and consequences, and the values you wish to instill in the children.
• Rule #2: When in doubt, call a parental powwow. It’s okay for children to hear the words, “I don’t know. I’ll get back to you on that” from either of you. You can then call a meeting to discuss the situation. This is difficult for some biological parents who are used to making all the decisions. But do not underestimate the message this communicates to your kids. When you seek, respect, and honor your husband’s input in parenting decisions, it will speak volumes about your unity as a couple. This will help to dissolve their efforts to “divide and conquer” and strengthen your marriage. Even if it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable, go the extra mile to ensure agreement. You won’t regret it.
• Rule #3: If you don’t appreciate how your husband handled a situation, have a private discussion. Two big mistakes a mother can make are to make negative, critical comments about the stepdad in front of the kids and to reverse his decisions behind his back. Either of those responses steals his authority, which is already under scrutiny. The appropriate response is to listen to his explanation of what happened (keeping in mind that kids often leave out significant parts of the story). If you don’t agree with his actions, acknowledge his good intentions and then calmly share your thoughts about the situation and how you wish to handle it the next time. You could say something like, “I appreciate that you were trying to teach Ryan a lesson. I understand what you were attempting to accomplish, but I’m not sure that’s the best way to handle Ryan. Can I share my point of view with you?” Refrain from turning this into a competition. The goal should be to find a solution that you can both support.
• Rule #4: Communicate any major changes, rules, or expectations to the children together. If you as a couple have decided on a rule change, it’s best if the mom takes the lead in sharing the change (first violin), with the stepdad standing beside her (second violin). This is particularly important in the early years of your family. He can certainly add to the conversation, but Mom’s voice should clearly communicate the change.

Be Sure to Keep Respect a High Priority. Being defined as secondary is difficult for many men since it has the appearance of disrespect. Being a man myself and knowing how important it is to the male species to receive respect, let me clearly say that being secondary is not about value, leadership, or status. It is a matter of relational power.

In chapter 4, I shared with your husband how emotional attachment gives biological parents a constant source of parental power and influence with children. Because you are Mom, your children grant you automatic love, approval, authority, and grace in conflict. Stepdads don’t get automatic anything. And since they have to develop attachment with children, they should not press the limits of their authority too quickly. So, as I’ll detail throughout this chapter, the mom-stepdad team needs to lean on your power until such time as he has obtained love and trust from your kids.

That is why you need to continually communicate your respect for him and insist that your children show a basic level of respect for him (as they would to any adult), as well. Stepdads feel disenfranchised as it is; to also feel disrespected and powerless to do anything about it will likely cause him to withdraw emotionally from your children (and perhaps from you). As his wife, it is your responsibility to show appreciation for him; as the primary parent in your home, it is your job to make sure your children respect him.

Servant Leadership. A pastor who heard me talking about this in a workshop asked an excellent question: “Doesn’t playing second violin take a man out of his biblical headship role?” “Not at all,” I said. “But it does change the way he goes about leading.” In my first book, The Smart Stepfamily, I discussed this matter in great detail. I’ll summarize my thoughts for you again here.

The biblical role of husband as the “head of the wife” (Ephesians 5:23) is not about his having power for personal gain. It is not license for selfishness. Instead, Paul challenges men to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). And how did Christ love the church (that is, us)? Did he use his authority to push her around? Did he become dictatorial and commanding? Not at all. Rather, Christ used his power to make us more than we could be by ourselves (see Ephesians 5:25–29). He sought our best interests and sacrificed himself to make it happen. And in the process, Christ gently invited us to adopt the ways of God and walk in his paths. He was a servant leader.

A stepfather can still perform all of these functions, but he may have to do so from behind the curtain. The stepchildren may never realize how much he is influencing the direction and decisions of the family because their mother is the principle communicator even though he is leading. They may not appreciate all he does for the family in the manner of financial provision, being an example of Christ, or demonstrating a high standard for conduct and love, but he is still serving. The issue is not leadership, but how he leads. A wise stepfather will work closely with his wife to lead through her parental strength until such a time that his relationship with the children is strong enough for him to step out from behind the curtain.

A Vicious Sabotage. Mom, there is one thing you could do that would sabotage this entire p...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Endorsements
• Dedication
• Acknowledgments
• Contents
• Section I: Getting It Right
• Section II: Getting Smart: The Stepparenting Team
• Notes
• About the Author
• Books By Author
• Back Ad
• Back Cover