Let's Talk

Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters

Michelle Watson Canfield

• Publisher: Bethany House Publishers
• Year: 2020
• Print ISBN: 9780764235689
• eBook ISBN: 9781493425013

Many great father-daughter books highlight the benefits of being an engaged father, cite statistics about the impact fathers have on a daughter's life, and give practical advice about how to foster such relationships. But once the stage has been set, many dads don't know what to say or how to approach conversations with their daughters.

Using her decades of experience in counseling young women and coaching fathers, Michelle Watson has created a step-by-step template for having conversations that build a stronger bond through laughter, vulnerability, honesty, and self-disclosure. Let's Talk is filled with dozens of scripted questions that walk fathers through the levels of creating a heart-to-heart connection with their daughters by communicating the right way. Through this easy-to-read guide, dads will learn how to listen and build trust as they move from get-to-know-you chats to deep discussions that dive into their daughters' struggles, hurts, and hopes.

Part One: Laying the Groundwork

1. You Have What It Takes

Over the years I’ve often asked dads in The Abba Project this question: Why are you giving your valuable time and energy to be here, willing to learn skills to better pursue your daughter’s heart, all while being pressed to engage in areas outside your comfort zone?

Without exception, here is the essence of what every dad says: “Because I love my daughter.” I believe you’re answering that question the same way, which is the reason you’re reading this book right now. And no matter what hand you were dealt from your father regarding what it looks like to be an engaged dad, you’ll appreciate hearing what one fathering expert has to say on the matter. Here are the words of Dr. Ken Canfield in The Heart of a Father:

It may surprise you to learn that, in one bit of research at the National Center for Fathering, we discovered that a man’s relationship with his father is not the most significant predictor of his current relationship with his children. In other words, a painful past is certainly an influence, but not the “silver bullet.” Your commitment to become a dad of destiny can displace the negative effects resulting from a poor relationship with your dad. You can join the distinguished ranks of the “overcomer dads.”1

I love that term, overcomer dads. I would even use it to describe my dad, Jim, because he embodies that description on many levels. People often ask me about my relationship with my dad, so I thought I’d tell you a little bit about him here at the start.

Dr. Michelle’s Story

My dad had everything stacked against him in the fathering department. He had an abusive, alcoholic father who abandoned him and his siblings when they were young, leaving no forwarding address. They were left to fend for themselves, which led my fatherless dad to join a gang when he was only eleven years old. And because it was literally “survival of the fittest” in South Chicago back in the forties and fifties, my dad was forced to figure things out on his own most of the time, creating in him a tenacious work ethic. Because of his family’s abject poverty, if he didn’t work to afford something, he typically didn’t get it. He also developed an uncanny ability to fix anything—or at the very least, he can navigate a fix because he never quits until he’s tried every possible way to repair what’s broken.

My dad is also brilliant—the kind of brilliant that isn’t taught in school; it’s innate. Actually, I would say he’s even a genius in some areas. When he was only eighteen, he followed in his grandfather’s footsteps and enlisted in the army. After completing boot camp at Fort Benning in Georgia, he was stationed at the Presidio in San Francisco in the late 1950s, which is where he met my mom, who just happened to be his boss! At the end of his tenure, he was offered a scholarship to West Point, but he turned it down because he hadn’t yet learned to set long-term goals for long-term gain. Without a father, a father figure, or wise mentor to guide him, he didn’t think it made sense to stay in the military. After all, when someone’s brain has been hardwired to believe success means staying out of trouble to stay alive, it’s nigh impossible to dream beyond that reality even when a fantastic opportunity arises.

The combination of these experiences and qualities make my dad the person he is today: a man who possesses a strong work ethic with incredible street smarts, who is brilliant in strategizing and getting tasks done creatively and efficiently (even if he doesn’t believe it or see himself that way), and can figure out a way to repair anything. He’s also a man who never quits no matter how hard something is, and he never complains about anything. I have great respect for how far my dad has come and for the choices he’s made to live differently than how life was modeled for him.

In many ways, my dad and I are closer today than we were when I was a kid, because now our relationship is more about real conversations (even when we disagree or when he tells me my words wear him out, which I wrote about in my first book, Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart). And it’s not that we never bonk heads, because we do. (I’m a firstborn, after all, and we firstborns tend to be strong-willed, stubborn, and opinionated!) But we continue figuring it out by staying open to communicating and trying to work through conflicts when they arise. It’s not always easy, but it’s a vital part of connecting and staying connected.

My dad’s story has taught me a few things that I trust will encourage you to pursue—and keep pursuing—your daughter’s heart no matter your history:

• Even if your own dad wasn’t a positive rol...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Endorsements
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Foreword
• Why This Book?
• Introduction
• Part One: Laying the Groundwork
• Part Two: Action Plans
• Part Three: Flipping the Script
• From Dr. Michelle to You, Dad
• Appendix A: Preparing for Reconciliation with Your Estranged Daughter
• Appendix B: Your Self-Evaluation Report Card
• Notes
• About the Author
• Back Cover