Our Best Life before the Best Life

A Guide to Dating, Sex, and Marriage

Barnabas Kwok, Allie Kwok

• Publisher: Resource Publications
• Year: 2022
• Print ISBN: 9781666735185, 9781666792003
• eBook ISBN: 9781666792010
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Social Science Biographies
• Index: Social Sciences

What are the odds of a city boy meeting an island girl thousands of miles away for marriage? This isn't your typical boy-meets-girl story. Rather, it's more of a boy-meets-God and girl-meets-God story... and the two opposites end up meeting and marrying through God. Written from the perspectives of both the boy and girl, Our Best Life before the Best Life captures the real story of Barnabas and Allie Kwok--married at the ages of twenty-two and twenty respectively--and through the unlikeliest of means.Are you searching for your spouse? Do you have questions about Christian dating and relationships? Why should one bother pursuing love from a biblical perspective? This book follows the adventures of Barnabas and Allie while providing some important tips they learned in their quest for love.

Chapter 1

The Waiting

Allie:

No one ever told me that it gets lonely as a Christian. After Jesus radically changed my life at 18 years old, I lost quite a few friendships. Perhaps it was my overwhelming zealousness for the Gospel, begging friends to come to church with me. Or maybe it was the way that I began to talk, walk, and look—a life truly transformed by God. People began to distance themselves from me and say, “I miss the old Allie. She was a lot more fun. I hope this is just another one of her phases.” My heart burst and I cried over their souls: “Don't you realize? I love you even more than before because of Jesus’ love, I so desperately want you to experience the love and joy of Christ.”

Summer came to an end and I began my journey at a Christian university. If anyone has been to a Christian school, you might have heard the term “ring by spring” or “gottem before autumn.” But for me, it was the second to the last thing on my mind. As time passed by, there were people who began to express their interest in me. One of them asked to meet me privately. I uneasily agreed and immediately regretted it after he asked me out. I politely declined, but he persisted more, “I feel like God is telling me that there is a future with us. I’m going to keep waiting for you until you like me.” I blinked, and then I blinked twice. What? I did not hear about this from God. The Bible instructs us to test all spirits (cf. 1 John 4:1), and I knew that was most likely not from the Holy Spirit. I apologized and awkwardly exited the scene by running off into the night alone.

On the other hand, there was a time where I was interested in someone and I prayed about it. That same night, I had a terrible dream about that person. When I woke up, all my romantic feelings for him were gone. The Lord told me “no” in pursuing any romantic relationship with him. There were also times when I initially met someone, I would already know whether or not this person would be suitable for me as a potential spouse based on their character and faith (chapter 2 will discuss this more). I knew that the next person I dated would be the one who I wanted to marry. After all, what’s the point of dating if you’re just going to break up eventually?

While I was able to make valuable and God-honoring friendships at this Christian university, at times, I still felt waves of loneliness. It was two in the morning and I couldn't seem to fall asleep. Maybe it was the caffeine from the latte I drank earlier pumping in my blood, or perhaps it was the overwhelming amount of stress I was feeling about school. Regardless of whatever it was, I put on my sweater and left my dorm to be greeted by the crisp evening air and smoggy Los Angeles sky. As I walked, I hummed praises until I arrived at my favorite place on campus: the prayer chapel. I poured out my heart to God and surrendered all fear, worry, and stress. I felt comforted knowing that He sees me and knows me in such an intimate way that no one else will ever know. I feasted upon His Word, holding on to it as my very hope.

This was just a glimpse of the many nights I had during this season of loneliness. Looking back, I thanked God for that season as I have had some of the most intimate moments with Him. Each cry-out to God, whispered prayer, soft hum and praise, built up my faith on a foundation depending on Christ alone.

Barnabas:

Ever since I became a born-again believer in 8th grade, I made a vow to the Lord that I wouldn’t date anyone until college. I suppose I thought dating relationships in high-school generally don’t last until marriage, and that I should first focus on Him and “grow in the grace and knowledge” of Christ my Lord (cf. 2 Pet 3:5; 3:18).

By God’s grace, I was true to my vow and I didn’t date anyone throughout high school even though opportunities arose. There had certainly been times where I was only a thread away from dating, but God would miraculously intervene. Somehow, everything just wouldn’t work out. One iconic instance was near the end of senior year when I got rejected by someone whom I thought wouldn’t reject me. As I found out on a double-decker bus in Hong Kong after school, I remembered feeling terrible and amazing at the same time. Why? Because I was praying that it wouldn’t work out, as I knew my interest in her wasn’t for marriage even though my heart was constantly craving for a relationship—for a “love” that wouldn’t satisfy. (Chapter 4 contains more on “love”)

Then came college, which meant that I could finally date someone. Guess what, I was also at a Christian university . . . which meant most of my sisters in Christ were potential candidates, right? That ended up not being the case, and I came to realize that finding a suitable spouse was not easy. If a hardcore American republican would find it difficult to date and marry a hardcore American democrat because of massive conflicts regarding their worldviews and values, imagine how much harder it was for me as a missionary and third-cultured kid. I am a melting pot of various cultures and values, let alone some complexities with my theology and experiences in the faith. I realized this through a memorable conversation I had in the cafeteria during my freshman year. After sharing my testimony and all the amazing works that God has done, instead of praising God, this sister in Christ denied and challenged all my experiences as she believed that God did not do such things anymore. When I said, “God healed me,” she replied with, “You don’t really know that.” Well, I did, and she didn’t.

To help myself know what I was looking for in a future spouse, I made a Christian dating worksheet, which really helped me narrow down the type of person that I believed God was calling me to marry. There is a modified version of this worksheet at the end of this chapter—and I believe it can benefit you too.

Still, I was in a waiting season for three and a half years. I would cry out to God almost every day about this issue, especially when I believed that God had prepared someone perfect for me—not that she’s perfect, but that God had truly chosen us to be joined together for His will to be completed through us as one flesh. I can’t remember how many times I felt utter hopelessness and despair because I didn’t have a girlfriend, even when other aspects of my life were full of God’s blessedness.

One recurring theme that I experienced during the waiting was satisfaction. As hinted above, I wasn’t satisfied, and I don’t remember how many times my parents—who serve as my life-long mentors and godly example—had to remind me to find satisfaction in Christ, that He was my all in all. Could I boldly claim that God gave me Allie when I had mastered finding satisfaction in Him as a single man that was always on the move? No. But I can confidently assert that my quest of finding satisfaction in God—going all-in for Him and trying to involve the Spirit in everything that I did—as a single man was one of the most transformative times of my life. The amount of sin that vanished and the spiritual closeness with God that I experienced in college, particularly my sophomore and junior years, was amazing. I felt a powerful and tangible presence of God being all around me as I tried to place Him as my sole desire.

Chapter 2

Dating Worksheet

Here’s the worksheet; more explanations will follow:

Category	(1) Relationship with God	(2) Personality and Character	(3) Background- Related Factors	(4) Confidence and Peace in the Spirit (or “God’s approval”)
Description	2 points: if most requirements are met (4 or more) 1 point: if half of the requirements are met 0 points: if most requirements are not met (less than 2)			4 or 0
Points	/2	/2	/2	/4
Total points:	/10

Purpose and Basis:

Perhaps contrary to what culture says about dating, that a person can only know whether or not one’s partner is suitable or compatible after they are together—perhaps even living together—we believe otherwise. As a married couple, we are constantly discovering new things about each other. However, our core values, worldviews, and faith in Christ (what we believe about who Jesus is) has always remained the same. With the premise that dating is ultimately for marriage, we believe that one can know a lot about what another believes and values without committing to a dating relationship. This can be derived from the way one acts on social media, in social gatherings, at church, and even during dates (which is different from “dating”).

We also believe that God deeply cares about whom one dates and marries, and that one's q...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Preface
• Introduction
• Chapter 1: The Waiting
• Chapter 2: Dating Worksheet
• Chapter 3: The Sign
• Chapter 4: What is Love?
• Chapter 5: First Encounter—Kona
• Chapter 6: Second Encounter—Hong Kong
• Chapter 7: Engagement
• Chapter 8: What is Sex for?
• Chapter 9: Third Encounter
• Chapter 10: The Best Life
• Chapter 11: Our Best Life