An Emotionally Focused Guide to Relationship Loss

Life After Love

Clare Rosoman

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2022
• ISBN:
  9781000592740
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Psychotherapy
• Index: Psychology

By viewing romantic love as an attachment bond, Clare Rosoman incorporates emotionally focused therapy (EFT) and attachment theory to provide evidence-based tools in navigating close relationships and managing the pain of relationship loss.

Beginning with a foreword from Veronica Kallos-Lilly, this book firstly explores how attachment themes show up in relationship dynamics, creating either security or insecurity, before looking at how relationships go wrong. Chapters then focus on creating a new narrative for this loss of connection, helping readers learn about their own attachment strategies and how to work through pain, anger, and grief. The last part focuses on helping readers learn how to forgive, let go, build security within themselves, and implement these strategies in future relationships.

Addressing all forms of relationships, including family and friendship losses, LGBTQ+ couples, and references to cultural humility, this accessible and empathetic guide is written for both therapists and their clients to help them learn from their experiences and build the ability to be a resource for themselves. It is essential reading for EFT therapists as well as couple, marriage, and family therapists.

PART ITaking stock – Where am I now and how did I get here?

ONEWhy does it hurt so much?

DOI: 10.4324/9781003264163-3

Let’s start by taking stock of what’s happening right now. Are you in a troubled relationship and wondering if it is over or just in a terrible phase? Are you reeling from the recent loss of a relationship and wondering where it all went wrong? Are you stinging from a relationship that has ended for all too obvious reasons and asking yourself how to never, ever find yourself in that same spot ever again? Have you recently reconfigured your loving connection with another so that they are now a friend and no longer a lover? Wherever you find yourself right now, I imagine that it hurts tremendously. To lose love is one of the most painful experiences we can go through as humans. It is my hope that this first chapter might help you to make sense of why this is so painful, why it is brave to allow yourself to love another, and why relationships can go so awfully wrong.

I am going to arm you with some powerful information about attachment theory, love, and bonding so that you can start to reconcile where you find yourself now and how you arrived here. I want to start at the beginning by exploring why we human beings are built to form loving connections – also, why we can’t help ourselves from entering into the soaring heights and from plummeting into the deepest depths when we allow ourselves to love someone special. Then we are going to look at both what we need from our most precious relationships to thrive in life, and why these relationships can go wrong.

Love and attachment theory

I once heard a colleague say that the most sure-fire way to get into an emotional tangle with someone is for them to matter to you. When we open our heart to another, we make them important to our well-being. This means that by virtue of their importance to us, they have the power to lift us up or to destroy us (figuratively speaking). Although you may be considering closing your heart to another as an attractive option here, that is not what I am advocating. I am going to normalise the risk and the pain inherent in allowing someone to matter to us. It is risky to love another. No doubt you are feeling all of the downsides of that right now and the benefits might seem so distant as to render them insignificant. Hang in there, this is going somewhere good.

Put simply, it hurts because it matters. When we form a bond with someone, we are letting them matter deeply to us. In attachment terms, they become an “attachment figure.” Not just anyone can become an attachment figure for us. We select special people who mean a lot to us, and we bestow on them the gift of our heart. In return, we hold theirs. We do not undertake this lightly and our hope is that the risk is mutual between us and our special other. These special people become a safe place to turn to when we feel wobbly and are a source of encouragement when we need a boost. By showing our vulnerability when we feel small and uncertain, we are placing our attachment figures in a hallowed position of trust. When they hold that vulnerability with love and gentleness, and show us we matter, we are soothed and can go back out into the world with our metaphorical cup refilled. We need emotional connections like this to thrive. This is not because we are strange, needy people but because as humans, our brains are wired for connection. We are a bonding species who do not do well in isolation.¹

Attachment theory has had a lot to teach us about our human need for close and loving relationships. For much of the 20th century, we believed that children should grow up to be independent and that self-reliance was a goal of mature adulthood. Many people still firmly believe this, but thanks to the revelations of John Bowlby’s attachment theory² and an army of subsequent researchers examining child and adult attachment, we now know that forming loving bonds with responsive others is vital to our well-being as humans. It is clear that everyone has an innate yearning for trust and security with one or a few irreplaceable others. Bowlby believed that we need others in this way “from the cradle to the grave.”³ We don’t grow out of our attachment needs. Far from being dysfunctional, relying on special others allows a person to flourish and to take what life has to offer, safe in the knowledge that they have someone to turn to if things get hairy.

For some people, acknowledging our need for others as we navigate life might feel like a no-brainer, as obvious as our need for oxygen. However, for other people, the idea that we are built to connect with others and to rely on them in times of need might feel foreign or even threatening. This reaction is usually grounded in the experiences you have had with close relationships with important people throughout your whole life. These early attachment relationships teach us important lessons about what it means to be close to another, whether others can be a resource or not and whether we are worthy of love and support in times of need. Our earliest attachment figures’ sensitivity and responsiveness to our needs are crucial in developing our sense of security in the world and confidence that others will also be responsive to our needs. This security and trust in others then transfer into feeling more confidence in yourself to navigate challenges. These formative relationships set our expectations for our subsequent relationships, like a blueprint in a way, and impact our belief in our own ability to face life’s challenges. They lead to the development of beliefs called “model of other” and “model of self,” both of which we are going to talk a lot more about in Chapter 3.

The idea that children need a place of belonging that supports the development of security, identity, and a connection to cultural values are elements of attachment theory that resonate regardless of the culture in which a child is raised.⁴ Attachment theory has crystallised our understanding of our need for a “safe haven” and a “secure base” as humans. Our attachment figures perform these two really important functions, and they might look different in different cultures and family structures. Essentially, attachment figures provide comfort, and they provide reassurance. We all need somewhere safe to turn when we feel uncertain, and we need encouragement to take on challenges. These are two sides of the attachment coin that help us to develop into fully functional humans, ready to live life to the full. If we can turn to a “stronger, wiser other” when threatened, frightened, vulnerable, sick, or uncertain, then they are a haven for comfort and protection – their loving care helps us to soothe and regulate our emotions. Their support and reassurance that we are loved and safe then becomes a strong and stable platform underneath our feet to venture out from. This starts in childhood, in our earliest attachment relationships, and we need it for our whole lives. Think of a small child venturing into the unknown and exciting world of the playground. If they know their caregiver is there and can offer loving and reassuring support if they need them, then they can more bravely and curiously explore this new environment. The moment they become uncertain or afraid or hurt, they can seek contact with their safe other for a soothing cuddle or encouraging word. The knowledge that this resource of comfort and reassurance is there whenever they need it allows them to return to playing and maybe even test the limits of their skills a little further. This is absolutely crucial to our development.

Bowlby was adamant that it is not immature or pathological to turn to another person in this way, believing that this was in fact a biological imperative with adaptive value.⁵ Building on Bowlby’s ideas, attachment scientists have shown us that the bond that adults form with romantic partners mirrors the bond a child forms with their attachment figures.⁶ Our attachment figures as adults serve the very same functions as our primary caregivers did in childhood. In this way, we can conceptualise romantic love as an attachment bond. Partners can offer the same safe haven of support to turn to and a secure base for venturing out into the world, as a parent offers a child. It is so natural to want to turn to your special other (or others) when you need comfort, that we actually never outgrow this need. We gain strength from the knowledge that we have someone watching our back and can then more bravely engage with the world around us. With this knowledge, we can be curious, can take calculated risks, and can put our best foot forward. As adults, we typically get a bit better at soothing ourselves than we did as children with the result that our bonds with our loved ones are more reciprocal (meaning we act as a secure base and safe haven for our attachment figures, just as they are for us). As in childhood, the essence of secure base and safe haven is just the same.

It turns out that there is some truth to the idea of “sharing the load” or “a problem shared is a problem halved” when it comes to sharing emotionally with safe others (especially our attachment figures). Recent research has backed this up by showing that turning to another for co-regulation of emotion is actually the most efficient use of our brain’s resources when under threat⁷. If our special person is there when we need them and responds to our vulnerability by showing interest and care, we feel better. These are the most important elements of a gold-star-worthy attachment figure; they are accessible, responsive, and engaged.⁸ When we are responded to in this way, we learn to regulate our emotional storms, and we learn that connection is a good idea, and that we are worthy of love and comfort. This does something very powerful to our inner world; it directly impacts how we see ourselves, others, and the world. We internalise this ability to self-soothe from being soothed by responsive attachment figures. We begin to feel competent in managing our emotional highs and lows and we develop a sense of confidence that others are dependable and reliable. Paradoxically, when we know we have people to turn to, we then don’t need them as much. This is what we call “secure attachment.”

When attachment is working beautifully, there is a lovely balance between seeking closeness and tolerating distance, there is a flexibility in the bond between intimates. When we know that our few very special and irreplaceable others are there to turn to in life’s shaky moments, then we can be brave. The security that these connections offer us is invaluable. This does not mean that we are dependent on our partners. This is what Bowlby called “functional dependence” or what we can think of as effective dependency.⁹ In relationship, we grow. The more securely we can feel our important other’s responsiveness, the more autonomous and confident we can be. When someone can reach out to a safe other for comfort and reassurance and can travel bravely out into the world, we describe them as having “secure attachment strategies.” Someone with secure attachment strategies is likely to both be autonomous and able to seek and take in care from another. They can clearly signal their need as required and can confidently go out into the world. They are comfortable with proximity and with distance and can flexibly move between the two. This is what we are wired for and if we have it, we thrive, but if we don’t have it, we have a steeper hill to climb.

The downside of being attached to another

What we can take from attachment theory is that it is normal to need others to turn to in times of uncertainty and to use their support as a base to venture out from. I want you to know that you are not “needy” or pathological for craving this. As humans, we are wired to form strong connections with others, and we need them to flourish. We are social creatures; turning to others for co-regulation instead of coping alone makes for more efficient use of the brain’s resources and leads to emotional security. Knowing that someone has our back makes us braver. Okay, point taken. Attachment bonds are real, and we all need them. No wonder it hurts so much then when you lose a person you love or when someone you love is not a safe haven.

If we let someone mean a lot to us and we place them in the privileged position of being an attachment figure, then the threat of the loss of that connection is destabilising and incredibly painful. When these special connections are broken, through separation, unavailability, or loss, then we will feel this loss intensely. In fact, research shows that the pain of social exclusion activates the same parts of the brain that are active when we are physically injured. Social pain is equivalent to physical pain as far as the brain is concerned, which makes sense of terms like “hurt feelings,” and maybe starts to explain why we turn to others for comfort for both types of pain.¹⁰ In the face of the loss or unavailability of an attachment figure, we will fall into predictable patterns of protest and despair. This protest has been well-researched and shows clearly that we all cascade into protesting the separation and then into the despair of isolation. We might show this in slightly different ways, but researchers have tracked a pattern of emotional responses to the separation or loss of contact with an attachment figure, from babies to adults.¹¹ Some people have learned that spirited protest eventually gets them back in connection with their loved one and others move more quickly into despair and sink into the isolation of individual coping. Through this research, we have co...