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What Does It Mean to Redefine Girly?
As my eyes opened to the entwined problems of stereotyping and sexualization of ever-younger girls, a gnawing question wouldnāt quiet down in my brain: Why in the world is my generationāincluding the most educated, well-traveled, worldly, and accomplished generation of women everāallowing our girls to be raised in a cultural context of sleeping princesses and sassy, looks-obsessed pop stars? Surely we could do better and demand more.
During a playdate in 2006, when Amelia was a baby, a friend was challenging my stance on Disney princesses and why I didnāt like them, when I retorted with something about not being crazy about the idea of teaching my daughter to wish on a star and wait for a prince, but rather wanting her to have the know-how to build a rocket ship and get to that star for herself. I said something about being sick of pink tiaras and wanting to give Amelia a different vision of being a girl but was unable to find anything as simple as a pilot or an astronaut on a T-shirt for a little girl. Hello, a-ha moment! I scooped up baby Amelia, ran out of the house, and raced home to fill two notebooks with ideas for an apparel and toy company that would offset the void I saw.
Later that night, as I was talking with my husband about all these ideas, I tried to convey that there needed to be a broader definition of girlhood. I tried explaining why I thought that tea parties, fancy hair ribbons, tutus, fairy wings, and princess stories were all a fun part of childhood, but with Disney having such a huge hold over the marketplace, princesses came in only one dainty variety and fairies came in tiny green dresses in poses reminiscent of the woman on the back of a semitruckās mud flap. I couldnāt understand why there were no pirate or Lara Croft dolls or building and construction stuff in the girl aisles. Where were the detective kits and space or wildlife exploration toys? The message a consumer got in the mainstream toy aisles was that the most adventurous thing a girl might be interested in was becoming a veterinarian.
My husband agreed with much of what I was saying. He said he pictured taking our little girl to ballet class just as easily as tossing a football with her, teaching her to throw a spiral. Much like me, he had no use for passive princesses and all-pink products. He was very turned off by the sexy dolls and the āsassyā theme in girlsā clothing. Already the protective father, he was uneasy about the sexualization of little girls and what it meant for their health and safety.
It felt really good to talk to him about these things and to know that he supported how I felt about the childhood I wanted Amelia to have. Yes, I was excited for her to grow bigger so that we could enjoy an outdoor tea party with lemonade and fancy cookies. I just expected weād be doing that in celebration of capturing a crew of imaginary pirates and tying them to the tree fort as we walked away with their treasure. I wanted her childhood to be balanced. As we talked it became clear to me: We had to change our definition of what it meant to be āgirly.ā We had to include all the amazing things girls were interested in and good at. We had to redefine girly.
The company I would come to form around this idea of redefining girly launched in May 2009 and has given me the opportunity to speak with tens of thousands of parents. Now four years in business, Pigtail Pals & Ballcap Buddies has shipped empowering products to all fifty states and to fifteen countries. My social media sites and blog are active and incredible places for discussion as parents unpack and digest what is going on around their girls. There is most definitely a space in the marketplace for products and companies that empower, inspire, and build up our girls. In fact, things were going so well that in May 2012 I expanded the company to include and advocate for boys.
Redefining girly means that our girls will show the world they are more than demure princesses, sassy divas, or spoiled brats. It means our girls cannot be packaged and boxed into a stereotype. It means not all girls are the same. Our girls will show the world the great potential, intellect, and talents they hold. It means our girls are not defined by their gender. Redefining girly means we can expect the same great things for our daughters, and from our daughters, as we do our sons.
Tip: Make a list with your partner of the top ten memories you each hold from childhood. Make a point to give your daughter all those same experiences.
Redefining girly means a girl can love riding horses or building robots or painting or ballet or catching bugs or smashing a softball, and all of those things are girly. Redefining girly means doing away with the labels āgirly girlā and ātomboy.ā The stereotypical girly girl pursuits are often unfairly viewed as frivolous by society, and the idea that a girl loving sports or science or nature is being āboyishā is sexist and insulting. Most girls are not so two-dimensional. Most girls I know are the best of both worlds. My own girl loves dressing up and art. Sheās never met a mud puddle or a bug she didnāt like. She rarely plays with baby dolls, opting instead for āocean animal rescue center.ā She is what society calls a girly girl and a tomboy, usually both in the same day.
Just as girls come in all shapes and sizes, so too do their personalities. Some girls truly do love princesses and fashion and baby dolls. Other girls only have eyes for science and sports. The important thing is to provide a childhood and a home where your daughter is exposed to everything, and let her choose her path. We need fashion designers and devoted stay-at-home moms just as much as we do electrical engineers and champion athletes. Our girls need the space to try it all, and follow where their hearts lead them.
We need to accept all girls as they are and encourage all of their interests, from taking care of babies to learning how to use tools, from shooting hoops to wearing a tiara. What I wish the families raising daughters to know is that there is no single right way to be a girl. The possibility that grows inside your girl each day is limitless.
Redefining girly means we will not limit our girls to the ideas and toys marketed to them, but rather let our girls define for themselves who they will be in this world.
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Redefining Girly Starts Before Birth
Most people make the jump into parenting with little understanding of childrenās media and marketing. How could they? Media literacyāthe ability to analyze, evaluate, and create messages in a wide variety of media modes, genres, and formsāis not a skill our culture talks much about or assigns value to, and itās the rare young couple without kids who are actively tuned in to products and media marketed to children.
I can see how new parents get swept away in gendered marketing without even realizing it is there. There is such excitement and newness to having a baby and registering for gifts. All the new items coming into your home for your baby look adorable. Most couples are not thinking about gender stereotypes when they are picking out nursery decor, they are simply joyful over the idea of creating a happy home for their growing family.
If these couples were to take a step back and take in the big picture of childrenās marketing, they would notice these prevailing themes as they shopped for infant nursery bedding and room decorations:
Girls: flowers, butterflies, pink animals, ballerinas, princesses, and feminine patterns
Boys: cars, trucks, planes, trains, ships, animals in their normal colors, Noahās Ark, Wild West, pirates, and sports
And so it begins, before your baby is even born; the messages marketed to soon-to-be new baby boys and girls are very different. Girls will be told with no words at all to be pretty and delicate and stay close to home, while boys are urged to be masters of their universe and travel around their great big world. The girlsā colors are very soft and quiet; conversely, the boysā colors are bold, bright, and strong. If these are the messages we accept for our infants, could this in some way alter the way we treat and parent the different sexes?
Creating your babyās nursery is a wonderful experience. To avoid gender stereotypes, try for bright colors with neutral themes such as hot air balloons or kites, vintage storybook characters such as Beatrix Potter, or geometric patterns such as dots and stripes.
Nearly every product relating to infantsāfrom baby shower invites to pacifiers to crib sheets to car seats and strollersāis color coded by gender. The infant clothing sections in the big box shops and mainstream department stores are nearly entirely divided into pink and blue. The divide is so commonplace that people fail to even think about it. In fact, I often hear people argue that babies are biologically predisposed to prefer their assigned colors, never mind that these assignments didnāt actually appear in our culture en masse until around 1985. When our grandparents were children, blue was the preferred color for girls, red and pink for boys.
With advances in ultrasound technology, couples can learn the sex of their baby as early as fifteen weeks of gestation. Sure, parents want to know the sex of their child to help bond with the baby or ease the stress of pregnancy or to find out if theyāre finally having a girl after having three boys, and all of those are good reasons. Healthy babies and happy families are what weāre after, and if knowing the sex helps your family, then that is great. But I have had more than one friend say they have to āfind out what they are havingā solely so they know what stuff to buy. What they are really saying is they need to know which colors to buy. This isnāt really the fault of the parents, as virtually all baby products are color coded by gender and Iām sure a lot of families feel like they donāt want to buy the āwrong color.ā
But parents who buy into the pink-and-blue divide should realize it has nothing to do with child development and everything to do with marketers wanting to increase consumerism. A 2007 Gallup poll showed that more than 66 percent of parents would want to find out the sex of their unborn child. Companies know this and adjust their products accordingly. Why create and sell one baby item when you can sell the same family both a girl version and a boy version of that item? When families buy color-coded and gender-themed products, they eventually purchase more stuff as they continue to have subsequent children of the opposite sex and thus require the opposite color or theme.
Say you are a family like mine, and you first have a baby girl and then a boy. If my husband and I had found out Ameliaās sex before she was born and had received all pink and āfeminineā items, how compelled would we have been to then acquire all blue items for our second child, a son? How accepting is our culture of boys draped in pink or flowers? Not very.
Register for your baby online, where stores have a much wider selection and finding gender-neutral items is easier. If you keep the big items gender-neutral, they will accommodate a growing family.
The interesting thing is, I have yet to meet a baby who cares what color its clothes and stroller are. If you think about it, most babies are pretty much the same, and have the same needs. Pink or blue is not one of them. Whenever Iām buying a baby gift for a family, I like to put together a themed gift basket (such as safari or farm animals) and include board books and bath toys and a gift certificate to a locally owned clothing store or the Pigtail Pals shop. I try to find items that represent a rainbow of color.
My husband and I did not find out the sex of our children before their births. Both times I was expecting, I was heavily pregnant over Christmas and thought it would be fun to have the doctor write down the sex and seal it in an envelope we could open on Christmas morning. My husband was adamant we wait and be surprised at birth. Looking back, Iām so glad we made this choice. When people heard we were expecting, they would ask what we were having. My answer was always the same: āA small baby.ā Several people were exasperated with me, saying they had no idea what to buy āitā because they needed to know if it was a boy or girl. I usually replied with something like, āI am so happy about your excitement for the arrival of this child. Childrenās books and toys would be a wonderful addition to our home.ā
To avoid gender stereotypes and set the tone for if and when you find out the sex of your baby, play with fun ways to announce his or her arrival with neutral descriptions such as, āOur little explorer is set to arriveā or āa little creative wonder is cooking.ā
Iāve had some friends use very clever ways to announce the arrival of their girls. One friend found out they were having a second daughter and posted a Facebook status update that read, āThe Girl Power is about to double in our house! Baby Girl arriving in September!ā Another friend announced the arrival of her gorgeous daughter with a birth announcement that read, āThereās a new sheriff in town, and she means busin...
