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Scandaltown (NHB Modern Plays)
Mike Bartlett
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eBook - ePub
Scandaltown (NHB Modern Plays)
Mike Bartlett
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About This Book
When noble heroine Miss Phoebe Virtue receives worrisome news on Instagram that her twin brother Jack may be endangering his reputation in London Town, she decides she must visit herself, and investigate...
Set in contemporary, post-pandemic London, full of illicit sex, political hypocrisy and the machinations of a fame-hungry elite, Scandaltown is a comedy for the new Restoration of the theatres.
Mike Bartlett's play was first produced by the Lyric Hammersmith Theatre, in association with Fictional Company, at the Lyric in April 2022, directed by Artistic Director Rachel O'Riordan.
'[Mike Bartlett] is one of the prime movers in a new golden generation of British playwrights' Independent
'A rambunctious, modern-day Restoration comedy... a springtime pantomime with knowing humour, smut, silliness and arch references to the hypocrisies of the state... joyfully silly stuff' - Guardian
'Laugh-out-loud funny... the mashup of Restoration cadences and modern argot is spot on' - Evening Standard
'Extremely funny... Bartlett's writing is always clever and lively, and he hits his targets' - WhatsOnStage
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Arte dramático británicoACT ONE
Scene One
The front garden of a cottage. The countryside. Morning.
AUNTY JULIE comes out of her house, hungover, smoking, and on her phone. She puts some air-freshener on the wall.
JULIEOoo my head feels like it’s been caved in with a pickaxe. She’s been staying up late recently so it’s been ages since I’ve had any fun. Last night I couldn’t take it, so I went up to my bedroom, got under the covers with a bottle of Smirnoff and those jazz cookies you gave me, had a little party all on my own. It wasn’t the best look, probably, but I had a fucking good time, and she was none the wiser, which is what matters isn’t it, in the end?
Feeling rough this morning though. Just waiting for Kev. Only chance we get for a bit of it, first thing, back of his van before little madam gets up and –
PHOEBE(From offstage.) Aunty?
JULIEOh shit – Call you back.
She hangs up, stubs out the cigarette. Sprays herself with air-freshener, takes a mint out of her pocket. Puts it in her mouth, and turns, just as PHOEBE VIRTUE comes out of the house.
PHOEBEAunty! There you are! Here I am thinking I’m an early bird, ready to savour the rosy fingers of dawn, all prepared to pick herbs and surprise you in bed with a stimulating infusion, but when I get downstairs, I hear your voice, and you’re out already! Let me embrace you!
JULIEEr. Alright.
She does.
PHOEBEAh! So fresh! Most people don’t smell too good in the morning, but your benevolence means you sleep peacefully and wake as new, naturally fragrant with mint and juniper. But why are you out here? Doing the chores I suppose? The bins? Waving the community off to work, with a smile on your face and a click in your heel?
JULIEWell er – yeah, you’ve got me. Thought I’d just… check
PHOEBEYou are the wisest, kindest aunt one could hope for. From the moment you took myself and my twin brother Jack in as babies on the death of our mother, you have raised us as your own, with never complaint or fatigue. You’ve done precisely as you pledged to our late mother – your sister – and brought us up the most virtuous, progressive and moral young people in the whole country.
JULIEDon’t I know it?!
PHOEBEWhat’s that Aunty?
JULIEOh er yes well – did my best!
PHOEBEAnd in this hard, too-evil world, your best has been heaven. But alas, if only my night was so blissful. As you can tell from my zombie face, I struggled for sleep.
JULIEYou look alright.
PHOEBEBless you Aunty but I look old. Lines, bags – I look like you.
JULIEBeg your pardon?
PHOEBEYou have no choice but to wear the disfiguring scars of time, but I’m only twenty-two.
JULIEDidn’t you put on your meditation whatsit?
PHOEBEI did. But then at three in the morn, I awoke, eyes wide, in a complete state of panic.
JULIEWas it that climate change again?
PHOEBENot this time. For since we’ve binned your plastic, given your car away, and stopped all your holidays I feel much better. No. It was my brother Jack. I’m concerned.
JULIEOh Jack’s alright. He’s like you. Since he left for London to volunteer for the RSPCA or whatever it was –
PHOEBEUnicef Aunty.
JULIE– all his messages have been telling us how he’s doing really well, helping all those poor dogs –
PHOEBEChildren. Indeed, he was most regular in his messages – for we’ve always been inseparable – but the last two weeks, nothing. It isn’t like him. The world is a terrible place, as you know, full of evil people like Andrew Neil. And those friends you used to have – I’m so glad we agreed to get rid of them all by the way.
JULIEHmm.
PHOEBEYou might be lonely now but it was a teachable moment. Anyway I worry Jack may have fallen in with the wrong company.
JULIEJack’s a fine young man.
PHOEBEBut London is a strange place Aunty.
JULIEWell yes so I’ve heard –
PHOEBEOn one hand it contains the most wonderous thinkers and activists! People I would so love to meet and talk to about how we can all make the world a better place! But on the other hand, there’s people of your age – having affairs, making money, doing drugs, and only thinking of themselves.
JULIEYeah sounds really bad.
PHOEBESo I worry, what if Jack forgot who he was?
JULIEI’m sure he’s fine.
PHOEBEThen why no message?
KEVIN THE POSTMAN enters.
KEVINHello there my kettle! Who’s hot and steaming this morning? I reckon we’ve got ten minutes if you fancy a postman’s knock in the back of the old –
JULIEOh morning postman who I don’t know that well! I’m just here with my young niece Phoebe, who’s up unusually early…
KEVINYou – Oh. Right.
PHOEBEOh sir! How wonderful it must be to have an occupation that starts the day with such energy!
KEVINYes I appreciate a job first thing. Gets me up. Don’t it Julie?
JULIEHave you got anything to deliver Mr Postman?
KEVINYes I’ve got quite a package here I was hoping to fit in your slot.
PHOEBEOh for the days when people would get real letters! I’m too young to recall such a time but you must both remember. I write a lot of correspondence.
KEVINDo you?
PHOEBEThere’s nothing like it! You should always use a real pen, ensure it’s full to the brim, then once you’ve given it a good workout, you take the resultant tome gently in your hand, move it towar...