ACT ONE
Scene One
The front garden of a cottage. The countryside. Morning.
AUNTY JULIE comes out of her house, hungover, smoking, and on her phone. She puts some air-freshener on the wall.
JULIEOoo my head feels like itâs been caved in with a pickaxe. Sheâs been staying up late recently so itâs been ages since Iâve had any fun. Last night I couldnât take it, so I went up to my bedroom, got under the covers with a bottle of Smirnoff and those jazz cookies you gave me, had a little party all on my own. It wasnât the best look, probably, but I had a fucking good time, and she was none the wiser, which is what matters isnât it, in the end?
Feeling rough this morning though. Just waiting for Kev. Only chance we get for a bit of it, first thing, back of his van before little madam gets up and â
PHOEBE(From offstage.) Aunty?
JULIEOh shit â Call you back.
She hangs up, stubs out the cigarette. Sprays herself with air-freshener, takes a mint out of her pocket. Puts it in her mouth, and turns, just as PHOEBE VIRTUE comes out of the house.
PHOEBEAunty! There you are! Here I am thinking Iâm an early bird, ready to savour the rosy fingers of dawn, all prepared to pick herbs and surprise you in bed with a stimulating infusion, but when I get downstairs, I hear your voice, and youâre out already! Let me embrace you!
JULIEEr. Alright.
She does.
PHOEBEAh! So fresh! Most people donât smell too good in the morning, but your benevolence means you sleep peacefully and wake as new, naturally fragrant with mint and juniper. But why are you out here? Doing the chores I suppose? The bins? Waving the community off to work, with a smile on your face and a click in your heel?
JULIEWell er â yeah, youâve got me. Thought Iâd just⊠check
PHOEBEYou are the wisest, kindest aunt one could hope for. From the moment you took myself and my twin brother Jack in as babies on the death of our mother, you have raised us as your own, with never complaint or fatigue. Youâve done precisely as you pledged to our late mother â your sister â and brought us up the most virtuous, progressive and moral young people in the whole country.
JULIEDonât I know it?!
PHOEBEWhatâs that Aunty?
JULIEOh er yes well â did my best!
PHOEBEAnd in this hard, too-evil world, your best has been heaven. But alas, if only my night was so blissful. As you can tell from my zombie face, I struggled for sleep.
JULIEYou look alright.
PHOEBEBless you Aunty but I look old. Lines, bags â I look like you.
JULIEBeg your pardon?
PHOEBEYou have no choice but to wear the disfiguring scars of time, but Iâm only twenty-two.
JULIEDidnât you put on your meditation whatsit?
PHOEBEI did. But then at three in the morn, I awoke, eyes wide, in a complete state of panic.
JULIEWas it that climate change again?
PHOEBENot this time. For since weâve binned your plastic, given your car away, and stopped all your holidays I feel much better. No. It was my brother Jack. Iâm concerned.
JULIEOh Jackâs alright. Heâs like you. Since he left for London to volunteer for the RSPCA or whatever it was â
PHOEBEUnicef Aunty.
JULIEâ all his messages have been telling us how heâs doing really well, helping all those poor dogs â
PHOEBEChildren. Indeed, he was most regular in his messages â for weâve always been inseparable â but the last two weeks, nothing. It isnât like him. The world is a terrible place, as you know, full of evil people like Andrew Neil. And those friends you used to have â Iâm so glad we agreed to get rid of them all by the way.
JULIEHmm.
PHOEBEYou might be lonely now but it was a teachable moment. Anyway I worry Jack may have fallen in with the wrong company.
JULIEJackâs a fine young man.
PHOEBEBut London is a strange place Aunty.
JULIEWell yes so Iâve heard â
PHOEBEOn one hand it contains the most wonderous thinkers and activists! People I would so love to meet and talk to about how we can all make the world a better place! But on the other hand, thereâs people of your age â having affairs, making money, doing drugs, and only thinking of themselves.
JULIEYeah sounds really bad.
PHOEBESo I worry, what if Jack forgot who he was?
JULIEIâm sure heâs fine.
PHOEBEThen why no message?
KEVIN THE POSTMAN enters.
KEVINHello there my kettle! Whoâs hot and steaming this morning? I reckon weâve got ten minutes if you fancy a postmanâs knock in the back of the old â
JULIEOh morning postman who I donât know that well! Iâm just here with my young niece Phoebe, whoâs up unusually earlyâŠ
KEVINYou â Oh. Right.
PHOEBEOh sir! How wonderful it must be to have an occupation that starts the day with such energy!
KEVINYes I appreciate a job first thing. Gets me up. Donât it Julie?
JULIEHave you got anything to deliver Mr Postman?
KEVINYes Iâve got quite a package here I was hoping to fit in your slot.
PHOEBEOh for the days when people would get real letters! Iâm too young to recall such a time but you must both remember. I write a lot of correspondence.
KEVINDo you?
PHOEBEThereâs nothing like it! You should always use a real pen, ensure itâs full to the brim, then once youâve given it a good workout, you take the resultant tome gently in your hand, move it towar...