Electric Rosary

Tim Foley

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2022
• Print ISBN: 9781848429376
• eBook ISBN: 9781788505307
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

'We're children of God, sister. No hunk of metal could replace any one of us.'

Behind the crumbling walls of St Grace's Convent, an exhausted order of nuns needs resurrecting. As Easter approaches, Mother Elizabeth has just the thing.

Behold 'Mary', a council-funded robot. Practical and surprisingly funny, for some a blessing, for others a curse – could she be the revelation they have all been praying for?

Electric Rosary is a sharp, timely and gloriously funny play by Tim Foley, asking what faith really means in the age of artificial intelligence and what it is to be human in tomorrow's world. It was a Judges' Award winner in the Bruntwood Prize for Playwriting, and premiered at the Royal Exchange Theatre, Manchester, in 2022.

ACT ONE

17 February – Shrove Tuesday

Late afternoon. It’s raining.

Plastic chairs in a circle. A small trolley sits nearby holding a teapot, a pile of cakes, and a photo of the Old Mother. There is a projector hooked up to an old laptop. Buckets squat around the room.

PHILIPPA sits in the circle, head down, holding her bottle of pills. She takes one.

THERESA stares out of the window with binoculars.

THERESA. Oh! (Pause.) Oh! (Pause.) Oh!

PHILIPPA. What is it Theresa

THERESA. All the letters are just – oh!

PHILIPPA. We’ll stick them back on when the weather’s better

THERESA. We’ve lost the C, the O – both Ns of CONVENT! Now it just reads, ‘ST GRACE – VET’. I know she’s holy and everything but I don’t know how good she is with animals. What if the letters are lost for good? Swallowed in the mud? Nothing good about that. ‘Lost for bad’, that’s what we should – oh! ‘ST GRACE E.T.’ – she’s an alien now!

PHILIPPA. Enough of all that, start stacking the chairs

PHILIPPA starts stacking the chairs. THERESA keeps staring out.

THERESA. But that’s why nobody’s here, isn’t it?

PHILIPPA. Yes, our patron saint came and beamed them all away

THERESA. They’ve no sign to guide them –

PHILIPPA. We’ve ten minutes till vespers –

THERESA. They’re lost in the fields, they’re stuck in the rain –

PHILIPPA. Theresa. Nobody’s here because nobody cares

THERESA. People care Sister Philippa! There were plenty at the funeral

PHILIPPA. Plenty? Twenty

THERESA. There were more than twenty

PHILIPPA. I counted, precisely twenty

THERESA. Twenty’s good. Twenty-one, if you, count the Old Mother

PHILIPPA (beat). When you tot up attendance at a funeral, Theresa, don’t include the departed. It’s assumed they’ll be there. You can make silly remarks like that to me, but if Sister Constance hears you –

THERESA. No no no I know. (Beat.) Where is, Sister Constance?

PHILIPPA. No idea. I’ve texted her

THERESA. Is that why Mother Elizabeth stormed off?

PHILIPPA. Possibly. Probably. That and the lack of, of, doesn’t help. We’ll be alright. My aches and pains are going away. And you be on your best behaviour this evening

THERESA. Will everyone be miserable?

PHILIPPA. We won’t be by compline. (Gestures to trolley.) Need to eat all these before tomorrow. Brace yourself for a sugar rush, we’ll be bouncing off the walls for days

Thud thud thud on the ceiling.

I see Sister Patricia has started, I took her up a sweet bun earlier

THERESA. Oh no. So did I

PHILIPPA. Two buns deep, we’ve well and truly lost her

THERESA. Are we still having pancakes?

PHILIPPA. On top of all of this?

THERESA. Penance and Pancakes, it’s tradition

PHILIPPA. Oh, if it’s tradition

THERESA. And that’s why nobody came. They’re clearing out their cupboards and laughing in their kitchens. It’s the last happy day for a while

CONSTANCE enters from the rain. Dripping wet, speckled with mud. She’s haunted by terrible news, but she’ll tell no one.

CONSTANCE. I know Christ can walk on water, but even He would struggle in this mud. (To THERESA.) Lord Almighty girl, sort that hair out. When was the last time you polished your shoes?

THERESA. Sorry Sister Constance

CONSTANCE. I presume you’re giving up standards for Lent

THERESA. I’m giving up sugar

CONSTANCE. Shouldn’t give up anything at all. Make yourself useful for once, learn a new skill. Any skill, for that matter. I need to learn how to evade technological oppression. Use those goggles to watch the Reapers girl, they’re creeping ever closer

PHILIPPA. They’re doing no such thing

CONSTANCE. I assume this was you, Philippa. (Holds up mobile.) Deftly slipped upon my person, so you can keep a track of me

PHILIPPA. So you can stay in touch, Sister Constance

CONSTANCE. And how am I meant to do that when your words dissolve into a random string of letters? Looks like that blasted sign out there

THERESA. Oh!

PHILIPPA. Is she still an alien, Theresa?

THERESA. Yes but she’s not a saint any more

CONSTANCE (peers at phone). ‘Where r u’, well I get that bit, ‘E v x’?

PHILIPPA. ‘Elizabeth very cross’.

CONSTANCE. Oh is she now, why, she see the state of this one?

PHILIPPA. If we’re discussing anybody’s appearance – but we’re not getting into that, we’re going to work together and get this cleared up

CONSTANCE. Not as though we have prayers here any more

PHILIPPA. That doesn’t mean it should go to wrack and ruin. The projector?

CONSTANCE. What about it?

PHILIPPA. Will you pack it away?

CONSTANCE. I’ve no idea how it works

PHILIPPA. Does that prevent you from putting it in a box?

CONSTANCE. I’ve just got back, give us a moment

PHILIPPA goes to the projector.

THERESA. Sister Philippa – before you – could we watch the slideshow again?

PHILIPPA. We don’t have time Theresa –

THERESA. Just the pictures of the Old Mother in Ecuador. We can imagine we’re with our sisters out there

PHILIPPA. We will be soon enough

CONSTANCE. Don’t start with all that

PHILIPPA. Summer will be here before we know it

CONSTANCE. I’m not convinced there’ll be summer again

THERESA. Oh but there will be Sister Constance, and we need to be prepared! The sunny weather. The glorious walk. We’ll take the pilgrim’s path and rest in the beautiful gardens, the beautiful beautiful gardens! Yes, the best rest. And it’ll be so bright! We’ll bathe in the light of the Lord! I’m re-reading all their postcards. Looking at the pictures. One of them is a photo of a statue of the little baby Jesus in a Panama hat!

CONSTANCE. Aye, looking forward to all that scrimping and saving. Can’t wait to buy you a ticket

THERESA. Thank you Sister Constance

CONSTANCE. A one-way ticket

THERESA. Oh thank you thank you! So let’s look at the photographs one last time Sister Philippa. We might even cheer up Mother Elizabeth!

CONSTANCE. Acting, Mother

PHILIPPA (beat). I’ll give you the laptop later Theresa, peruse them at your leisure, but right now we don’t, look, just, leave this to us, go check on Sister Patricia, make sure she hasn’t got crumbs all over her bed

THERESA. Yes Sister Philippa

THERESA exits.

PHILIPPA puts away the projector.

CONSTANCE. ‘Crumbs’. Did you give Sister Patricia a bun

PHILIPPA...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Contents
• Acknowledgements
• Original Production Information
• Characters, Place & Time, Setting
• Notes on the Play
• Electric Rosary
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information