Introduction
Observing seagulls, I feel a glimmer of their freedom inside. Birds do not weigh themselves down with things. What they have they are; at any time, in any place, ready to stay or move on. Though human beings are commonly qualified as the zenith of evolution, we can learn from animals. No lion is inclined to kill and collect more food than he needs for himself and his pride; no eagle builds more than one nest to breed her offspring. Putting things into perspective, it appears that the retirement vision of many hardworking people strangely resembles an animalistic routine: spending time outdoors or with friends, enjoying sunshine and nature. As reflected upon by the Dalai Lama, âMan sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices his money to recuperate his healthâ. Thinking back about the past 20 years of my life, the second part of the Dalai Lamaâs contemplation is even more accurate: âHe is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then he dies having never really livedâ. So driven was I by the craving for something or another, that I omitted to savour the beauty of now.
How lucky I am that my recent plans have not generated the expected results. The past twelve months taught me that life is a house of cards; neatly stacked at this moment, and ready to collapse in the next when a single card is pulled out. A collapsing house of cards may turn out to be the greatest of gifts; a grace that one would have never dared to ask for. Had I been confronted with the perspective of my present situation a year ago I would have been frozen with worry; clinging for dear life to the status quo, afraid to lose what I had and treasured. As this book goes into print COVID-19 engulfs the World. Declared a Pandemic on March 11th, 2020, the unfolding crisis is a reminder that everything can change always, from one moment to the next. It also illustrates the dramatic consequences that ensue when societies do not invest systematically to cover the basic social needs of everyone. 2020 shows what happens when the interests of a few dominate over the needs of many; while the majority shy away from thinking, and doing something, about the consequences. The outcome of COVID-19 depends on the ability and willingness of individuals and institutions to widen their perspective radically. Hopefully, the paradigm shift that is presented in this book contributes to this change in dynamics.
1.1 Work to Live or Live to Work
We grow up with the understanding that âworkâ is how we contribute to society. Thinking within this mental logic, our jobs define us. What we do daily not only shapes our habits and skills, our relationships and assets, it gradually makes us who we are, at least at the surface. Consequently, our jobs become central in determining the perception that we have of our own worth. The What becomes the Who. In addition, and although there are very diverse working relations and constellations today, with freelancing ever-growing thanks to technology, traditionally, work placed the worker in a position within a structure. The average employee did spend more time at the workplace than at home; more time with co-workers than with family and friends. Unemployment is unsettling because, beyond the material implications, it is uprooting not merely cherished habits but the social bounds and beliefs underneath; not just eliminating a set of activities but the personal eco-environment that they have been operated in.
However, despite and because of this deep personal attachment to our day-to-day work, a paradoxical mechanism is at play. The What takes over the Why and the How. We focus on the tasks on our immediate radar, losing sight of the bigger picture. On the other hand, though, having narrowed down our perspective so much we lose sight of the actual impact of these multiple micro-tasks and their interaction. Rather than sharpening our focus on a very circumscribed field in order to give our very best in this particular field, we rush from one task to the next, just as a hamster keeps running in its wheel, step after step after step. There is always one more task, deadline, or paper to tackle; absorbing our time and energy. Our mental space is saturated before we even start to think what matters for ourselves.
Martin Luther King said âWhatever your lifeâs work is, do it so well that the living and the dead and the unborn, could do no betterâ. If we followed his words, there would never be the need to worry what we should have done differently. Similarly, a central principle of Karma yoga is to give oneâs best, and then let go1; the results of whatever has been done are not in the hands of the one who acted (Raju 1954). However, that the output of our doing is no longer the centre does not remove the responsibility to give oneâs best. Giving what we have and can do, in every single moment, dedicating our whole being, all our attention to the very situation that we are in, the person we interact with, the task at hand, means that we do the best we can at that moment. If you act in line with your values, putting all the possible effort, and the best knowledge that you have at the time of the action, why would you blame yourself if the outcome of your action is not the expected one?
Shifting scope from future outcomes to present input does not remove responsibility, rather it puts the cursor on the right spot; where we can actually do something about it. Life is complex and what happens involves many interconnected factors. Focusing on the present, in the understanding that the result is not in our control takes away distraction. Not flagellating ourselves when things go wrong, nor praising our merits when they go well, liberates mental space that can be put to good useâlike zooming in on the meaning of our occupation, the Why.
The brain likes simplicity. Therefore, most conversations start with questions like âWhat do you do?â âWhere do you come from?â, etc. People in boxes are easier to grasp, assess, and categorize than free-floating electrons. Tasks are more tangible than the explorations of aspirations, emotions, or thoughts. Safe ground. Think about the last social event that you attended, which included new people whom you never met before. What do you remember from the small talk about weather and work? Imagine how much more interesting these conversations could have been if instead of asking for a personâs job, you would have asked about their passion; the Why that matters to them? Hiding behind the shell of our past achievements and present social status is a means of surfing on the social wave. Diving underneath requires a deep breath but discovering the fauna and flora deep down is more than worth it.2
Observing how opaque the border between self and shell has been for myself, I wonder how many of us consciously distinguish between what we do and who we are. Maybe this is one of the reasons why many of those who have a high-intensity career do not live very long after retirement (Kuhn et al 2010). As the occupational centre of their existence is removed, the rest crumbles, just as removing a load-bearing column in a cathedral is not conducive to the overall stability.
As we move through life, the situations that we come across can show us that paralysis and breakthroughs are often close neighbours, located beside each other. Consciously looking for this strange juxtaposition allows us to identify the constellations at play, and to make our choice in full awareness of the options. Instead of navigating on autopilot, stepping through doors that seem to be the only ones, forgoing the fact that a whole corridor lined with many alternative doors lies just ahead. Fear and liberation belong to the same reality; located at opposing ends of the same spectrum of becoming ourselves. At which end of this spectrum we place ourselves as we move along is the result of circumstances and choice.
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From time to time it slowly sinks in how entirely different and liberating my new situation is. Since the day I was born, I have never lived without some type of affiliation. From a stable middle-class family, I went on to attend kindergarten, school, and university; always seeking to fit in. After graduation I went abroad, joining the ranks of the United Nations. The identity of these institutions, and the changing roles of being a daughter, a student, and a humanitarian worker were an integral part of how I perceived and presented myself. The removal of one single card brought the house of my apparent identity down, pushing me out of my secure comfort zone, across a rainbow of freedom. Travelling from one end of the spectrum to the other, I discovered a pair of wings that had been hidden. Folded, unknown, on my back, they were patiently waiting for their moment to unfold. As do yours.
Every path is unique. Thus, no comparison is valid, and the only thing I shall seek to summarize here is my own glimpse of a rocky path, and how smooth it eventually became. Unremarked, the veil softly dissolved, leaving the view through a wide-open window. No flashes or stars, no groundbreaking eureka moment, just an onset of an inner calmness that still makes me smile; a smile that grows like a flower from the inside out.
I always thought of insight as a moment, a unique slip in time when everything changes. But maybe there is an alternative. A slow transition whereby each conscious step joins the next, leading to a reality that leaves no âbeforeââeverything having merged into the present. Unlike many of those who write about a sudden epiphany as they faced the wall; I never felt at the abyss where I wanted to end everything. For most of my life, I have been very lucky.
Still, I felt constantly driven, always under the invisible pressure of accomplishment. Propelled by the need to leave a mark, to justify my presence, I was craving confirmation that I did actually deserve the privileges that I had been given. Never feeling that what I did was enough; it seemed that once it was accomplished anything that had seemed to matter before was no longer relevant, or even the result of my own effort. Ph.D. laudation, promotions, career moves, just water under the bridge.
Looking back, I cannot single out any watershed moment, and yet nothing is the same now. Without noticing I have evolved into the understanding that I am everything I ever wanted to be. That I have everything I will ever need. A flower is growing in micro-millimetres which makes the observation of changes difficult, until one morning the petals unfold. When I released the craving to matter, to belong, and to control, I opened myself to experience the self that has always been there. Releasing my aspiration to âchange the Worldâ, I found the ability to change myself; releasing the craving to belong, I discovered that I was loved; releasing the need for security, I allowed myself to explore and enjoy the unknown; relinquishing the urge to control my physical circumstances, I felt that I was safe. This book offers an introduction to the paradigm that has helped me move from being fragmented, to a being at peace.
My path to liberation began from the inside out and was nurtured from the outside in. Releasing the need to shape and control the outside has set me free to attempt the becoming of my own best self. The gradual access of an honest relationship with myself was uncomfortable and at times unbearable, until it became like gossamer, smooth and weightless.
Doubts about the efficiency and effectiveness of the current setting of the humanitarian sector in general, and of the United Nations in particular, including my miniscule contribution to it, have been part of me for a while. Witnessing the impact of international assistance in the African, Asian, and Caribbean countries...