Fathers and Sons in the Arab Middle East

D. Cohen-Mor

• Publisher: Palgrave Macmillan
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN: 9781137335197
• eBook ISBN: 9781137335203
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Literary Criticism
• Index: Social Sciences

Drawing on insights from psychology, sociology, anthropology, religion, history, and literature, this book examines early and contemporary writings of male authors from across the Arab world to explore the traditional and evolving nature of father-son relationships in Arab families.

Chapter 1

Introduction: Why Fathers and Sons?

The Legacy of Abraham

One of the most dramatic stories in the Bible is the one about the sacrifice of Isaac. God commands Abraham to offer his only son, Isaac, as a burnt offering on his altar. Without wavering or arguing, Abraham proceeds to carry out God’s command. Genesis 22 tells the story:

After these things God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.” He said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains that I shall show you.” So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac; he cut the wood for the burnt offering, and set out and went to the place in the distance that God had shown him. On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place far away. Then Abraham said to his young men, “Stay here with the donkey; the boy and I will go over there; we will worship, and then we will come back to you.” Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering and laid it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. So the two of them walked on together. Isaac said to his father Abraham, “Father!” And he said, “Here I am, my son.” He said, “The fire and the wood are here, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?” Abraham said, “God himself will provide the lamb for a burnt offering, my son.” So the two of them walked on together. When they came to the place that God had shown him, Abraham built an altar there and laid the wood in order. He bound his son Isaac, and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to kill his son. But the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven, and said, “Abraham, Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.” He said, “Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me.” And Abraham looked up and saw a ram, caught in a thicket by its horns. Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt offering instead of his son. (1–13)¹

The focus of the narrative is on Abraham’s faith: in submitting to God’s authority and demonstrating his willingness to sacrifice his son at God’s command, he passed the ultimate test and became the model of faith. As for Isaac, he fulfilled his filial duty by submitting to his father’s authority and acquiescing to serve as the sacrifice. The pattern of submission to authority that emerges from the story is intimately connected with the concept of fatherhood and patriarchal power: the son must obey his father just as his father must obey God, the Father of Creation. Significantly, Abraham establishes his authority over his son not through love and benevolence but through fear and aggression—the threat of death. The son does not try to escape or struggle or argue; he understands that it is his duty to obey. The binding ordeal (akedah) is a test of his mettle: he must steel himself and show that he is not afraid, that he is tough and loyal and courageous. In essence, then, the binding serves as an initiation rite into masculinity. It is a rite of passage that marks Isaac’s transition from the sphere of boyhood into the sphere of manhood.

The terse biblical narrative offers no details about the emotional state of father or son. What went through Abraham’s mind as he prepared to sacrifice his beloved son? Did his heart bleed for his son’s fate or did he consider Isaac his exclusive possession to do with him as he pleased? What went through Isaac’s mind as he saw his beloved father raise the knife above his head to slay him? Did he feel betrayed and forsaken? Was he paralyzed with shock and horror? Isaac does not cry out for mercy nor does Abraham shed tears of anguish. The scene is eerily silent, yet charged with enormous tension arising from conflicting emotions: love versus aggression, protection versus mutilation, loyalty versus abandonment, courage versus fear, trust versus betrayal, rebellion versus resignation, and attachment versus alienation. The elements for the closest—and the most tragic—father-son relationship are all here. Importantly, the biblical narrative states that Isaac’s devoted mother, Sarah, died shortly after the episode of Isaac’s binding. Did she die of shock on learning what transpired between her husband and her son? On hearing the dreadful news about the near death of her only son at the hands of his own father? Isaac, then, was doubly traumatized: first by the harrowing experience of his binding, second by the loss of his mother. Yet Sarah had to die so that Isaac could leave the world of women and enter the world of men. By becoming motherless, Isaac was “defeminized,” and his initiation into masculinity was complete. Nevertheless, as a young boy he must have been brokenhearted over the loss of his mother. Did he blame it on his father? Did he ever forgive his father for either of these two traumatic childhood experiences? The book of Genesis has no recorded conversation between Abraham and Isaac after the binding episode. This silence may be a sign of distance, or conflict, perhaps even total estrangement between father and son.

The story of Abraham is regarded as “central to the nervous system” of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam,² the three monotheistic religions that have evolved from it, though in Islam it is believed that Ishmael, Abraham’s son by his Egyptian slave girl Hagar, was the intended sacrifice rather than Isaac.³ Imprinted on the hearts and minds of millions of people for centuries, the story’s enduring legacy can be seen in many contemporary societies where child sacrifice takes the form of fathers sending off their sons to fight in “holy wars.”⁴

Indeed, the thoroughly authoritarian model epitomized by this religious myth continues to shape the relations between fathers and sons in many patriarchal cultures around the world, among them Arab culture. As the Tunisian sociologist Abdelwahab Bouhdiba observes: “The authority relationship has deep roots in our traditional society. It binds not only man to woman and parents to children but also teacher to pupil, master to disciple, employer to employee, ruler to ruled, the dead to the living and God to man.”⁵ The pattern of submission to authority that Bouhdiba identifies as a characteristic feature of his society is closely bound up with the concept of fatherhood and patriarchal power in Arab culture. How does this firmly embedded pattern influence the son’s sense of self and personality development? What effects does the subordinate position that the son occupies vis-à-vis his father have on the family dynamics in general and on his relations with the females in the family in particular? In what ways does what happens in the family impact the wider society?

This study explores the relationship between fathers and sons in Arab families. Drawing on insights from psychology, sociology, anthropology, religion, history, and literature, I try to unravel the mysteries of this complex bond. I use both early and contemporary writings of male authors from across the Arab world to illuminate the traditional and evolving nature of father-son relationships in Arab families, and how these family dynamics reflect and influence modern Arab life. Many aspects of the father-son relationship are analyzed in an effort to understand the forces that bring them together or drive them apart. The myriad patterns of this relationship are interpreted from various perspectives: psychological, patriarchal, cultural, historical, and socioeconomic. In the course of this exploration, many myths and stereotypes about Arab fathers and sons are shattered and new definitions of the relationship between them are demonstrated. The far-reaching implications of this male relationship, not only for men but also for women, the family, and the wider society, are carefully evaluated.

Why fathers and sons? There are several compelling reasons for focusing on this topic. First, the father-son relationship is central to and part of every man’s life. Every man is a son; most sons also become fathers. The childhood experiences that the son acquires in his family home, including patterns of socialization and interaction, not only influence his psychological development and the establishment of future adult relationships, but also tend to be replicated in his own style of parenting and the kind of upbringing he gives his own children. Thus these experiences establish a legacy that is carried into future generations of family life.⁶ As Peter Blos puts it: “Every father has first been a son; arriving at fatherhood and having a son weaves his own sonship existence into the new context of a generational continuum.”⁷ The desire to understand how the father-son relationship works, or fails to work, in Arab families, motivates this study. The first of its kind, this study offers a cross-cultural analysis of an intriguing topic of universal interest.

Despite the fact that the father-son relationship is pivotal to men’s lives, it has until recently been shrouded in mystery. As the psychologists Robert J. Pellegrini and Theodore R. Sarbin point out: “The emotional life of men and boys has only quite recently come to the forefront of systematic attention from a number of professional perspectives. Clearly, the previous scarcity of such formal scrutiny reflects a traditional pattern of gender role definition observed in cultures throughout the world, whereby males are encouraged to minimize their public expression of sentimental acts and to maximize their expression of instrumental ones. Given this legacy, along with its homophobic component, it’s not at all surprising that the issue of men’s emotional relationships to one another has been widely ignored.”⁸ In the Arab world, to a greater extent than in the West, the father-son relationship has been shrouded in silence. The main reason for this situation is the concept of privacy and sanctity of family life. The Moroccan writer Leila Abouzeid explains: “A Muslim’s private life is considered an ‘awra (an intimate part of the body), and sitr (concealing it) is imperative. As the Qur’an says, Allah amara bissitr (God ordered the concealing of that which is shameful and embarrassing).”⁹ Needless to say, the intense privacy surrounding personal and family matters is an impediment to research.

The anthropologist Suad Joseph attributes the paucity of information on Arab family life to the hypervalorization of the family. As she states: “In both scholarly research and popular culture, the centrality of family in the Arab world has been so axiomatic that there has been relatively little problematizing of the psychodynamics of family life.”¹⁰ Those who violate the sacrosanct space of the family run the risk of being accused of disloyalty and betrayal. Joseph notes that in view of this obstacle, the most profound insights into the forbidden grounds of Arab family life often come from autobiographical or semifictional accounts.¹¹ Crucially, the surge of interest in gender studies in the Middle East in recent years has focused primarily on women, with the aim of reversing the traditional neglect of women as a topic of inquiry. But as a result of this new emphasis on women, there are very few recent studies on men’s relation to men within the Arabic-speaking world.¹² In addressing the relationship between fathers and sons, this work fills an important void in contemporary scholarship on Arab family life in general and the dynamics operating between male members of the family in particular.

There is another important reason for exploring this topic. The father-son relationship is a central site for the construction of the masculine self or masculine identity. Fathers model manhood for sons and exert significant influence on the formation of their basic personality. As scholars of family life have observed, although boys may spend more time with their mothers, sisters, and peers, they tend to be deeply involved emotionally with their fathers as role models. They identify strongly with them and look to them for cues on how to act out their male roles, including their future roles as fathers. Although gender roles are currently changing, fathers continue to be the primary transmitters of the basic rules of society to their sons. Due to this fact, they have a profound influence on how their sons live their lives.¹³ Emphasizing the connection between a harmonious father-son relationship (which produces well-adjusted individuals) and a more harmonious society, the sociologist Lewis Yablonsky states: “A shift toward a more positive, intelligent enactment of the father role would affect the overall society. More effective fathering could virtually eliminate such social problems as crime, drug abuse and the violence that plagues our society.”¹⁴ These comments are especially applicable to the Arab world, where men have traditionally occupied the public sphere and where violence in various forms is rife.

The main goal of this study, then, is to illuminate a key family relationship that is crucial to the shaping of the masculine self, masculine personality, and male gender roles, and that has a profound influence on men’s development and choices. In particular, the study seeks to elucidate the conflicts, both normal and pathological, in the father-son relationship, as these tend to have a negative impact on family life and the wider society. A better understanding of the father-son relationship would benefit not only men, who live these roles, but also women. As Yablonsky notes: “The subject is of equal importance to women, especially mothers, because they are central figures in the dramatic scenarios between fathers and sons, and the quality of their lives is crucially affected by the fathers and sons in their families.”¹⁵ Samuel Osherson expresses a similar view: “Women who want to raise emotionally intelligent boys want and need to understand what goes on between fathers and sons.”¹⁶ Ultimately, what goes on between father and son—and what is missing between them—proves to have lasting repercussions on a man’s life, especially his relationships with his spouse, children, friends, boss, and colleagues.

My fascination with this topic derives from additional considerations. The Arab family is often described as “Arab society in miniature.” This is because the same structure (hierarchical), values (patriarchal), and sets of relationships (vertical) that characterize the family prevail in the society at large. Given this analogy, a study of the father-son relationship opens a window into the most intimate aspects of Arab culture and society. Specifically, it reveals the inner workings of the patriarchal system—its ideology, institutions, moral code, gender and age domination, sexual division of labor, and mechanisms of reproduction. Since fatherhood is “a man’s link with the future” in that his son carries his name and inherits his social, emotional, and financial legacy,¹⁷ understanding the dynamics between father and son enables one to evaluate the potential that this powerful bond holds for democratizing the patriarchal family and, by extension, society as a whole.

Furthermore, through the le...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title
• Chapter 1 Introduction: Why Fathers and Sons?
• Chapter 2 The Voyage to Manhood: The Elusive Quest
• Chapter 3 Fathers and Sons in Personal Histories
• Chapter 4 Fathers and Sons in Works of Fiction
• Chapter 5 Fathers and Sons in Poetry and Politics
• Chapter 6 Conclusion: Embattled Selves and the Dream of Liberation
• Notes
• Bibliography
• Permissions
• Index