Knowing Mothers

Researching Maternal Identity Change

W. Hollway

• Publisher: Palgrave Macmillan
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN:
  9781137481221
• eBook ISBN:
  9781137481238
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Mind & Body in Philosophy
• Index: Social Sciences

How do women experience the identity changes involved in becoming mothers for the first time? Throughout in depth case examples, Wendy Hollway demonstrates how a different research methodology, underpinned by a psychoanalytically informed epistemology, can transform our understanding of the early foundations of maternal identity.

Part I

A Psycho-Social Research Project Example: Introducing Principles, Methods and Practices

1

Knowing Mothers, Researching Becoming

This book’s exploration of identity transition, specifically the changes involved when women become mothers for the first time, is framed by a methodological perspective: it asks how researchers know what we know from empirical data. It is based on the data from a funded research project.¹ ‘A focus on mothers shifts our epistemological, political, social and psychic horizons’ claims Petra Bueskens (2014, p.4). Indeed, research into new mothers’ changing identities has shifted my knowledge horizons: it poses epistemological questions and methodological challenges because the experiences of women as they become mothers are partly beyond words. It is these challenges that provide the structure of the book, and it is in this sense that this is a book not only about new mothers’ knowing and its relation to their becoming, but also about methods adequate for researching such a topic.

I start by offering you, the reader, the example of one new mother’s experience written in rough verse, based on the words, observed practices and situation of Juhana (not her real name), one of the 19 mothers in our sample in Tower Hamlets, East London. Juhana was one of six within the research sample of first-time mothers who participated in weekly observations at home, as well as in three interviews extending, in her case, over 16 months, starting before her baby was born. My aim in using this method is to provide scenes that change over time, to give a lively overall impression, replete with emotion-laden meaning deriving from Juhana’s words and actions, in order to convey – while necessarily using words – more than the literal meaning, through rhythm, cadence, association and idiom. I call it ‘rough verse’ after the term used by poet Ted Hughes, referring to its capacity to preserve ‘the fresh simple presence of the experience’ (see Chapter 6). It is a form of data which I hope takes you, the reader, to the heart of the fieldwork involved in the project. The idea of scenes, like the theatre curtain opening on successive acts, is here used to afford images of Juhana in her family and local context in its complexity, conviviality, generosity and constraint. I include practices and situate them within circumstances: for example, feeding and bathing the baby, how Juhana, her baby and husband live, spend their time and sleep in the context of her husband’s position as the financially responsible eldest son, Juhana’s overcrowded family home and her relationship to the block of council flats in which she has grown up, where she feels comfortable. I discuss in Chapter 6 how this approach reflects my methodological choices and how I approached the composition. At this point, I hope that you simply let the verses wash over you and pause long enough to reflect on how you feel and what you might know as a result.

Mum’s over the moon²

Scene one. Living at the in-laws

Mum’s over the moon

Their first granddaughter (That’s on both sides.)

My hubby and me, we wanted to name her after me.

She’s like the queen, all her needs are served.

I always wanted a little girl.

It’s like a little you. I love that about her.

Me, the eldest sister too.

I love dressing her up.

I live with hubby’s family.

He’s the oldest son and his parents need him.

When we were engaged he asked me to come and live here so I did.

Our families are from different sides of Bangladesh.

I don’t like my mother-in-law’s ways.

My husband wouldn’t like me saying this

But I don’t really like living here, I don’t get on with them.

They’re weird.

Dad comes round to see me all the time but not Mum.

I’m like, Mum you probably don’t love her as much as Dad,

You don’t get round to coming to see us.

She’s like, No I do all the housework, cook the food,

for everybody else to come home.

So she’s a bit stressed herself.

I didn’t think much about the pregnancy, it all went well.

I was tiny and I was misleading from the back

because you couldn’t see the bump until I turned round.

I knew she was there inside, it was a perfect feeling.

When I stopped work I went to stay with my Mum.

I stayed about two weeks, that was really good I just totally unwind.

My Mum was great she did all the cooking and all I did was put my feet up.

I didn’t take it all on board how it was going to be

I hadn’t actually looked into it.

You have to be ready to be a Mum.

She wasn’t planned so it came as a shock to me and hubby.

But I was happy, I was very happy.

We’ve been married for three years and going out for another two.

My mother-in-law wants me to go back to work

So that she can have her all to herself

She wants the baby to sleep with her.

She thought I shouldn’t go out for 40 days after the birth

but my Mum thinks that’s silly.

I won’t go back to work at 24 weeks although they want me to.

I’m too glued to her.

I’ve got so much help when I’m at home.

All my sisters know how to look after her.

Here I keep myself to myself.

Hubby leaves early and won’t be back from the bank till later.

I hope she goes to sleep so I can too.

She kept me awake most of the night wanting my breast.

Hubby says he’ll help but he doesn’t wake up.

Scene two. Back at home

My father-in-law gave me permission to come and stay at Mum’s

to support her while Dad’s back home in Bangladesh.

I sleep with Mum while Dad’s away and baby’s carrycot

Just fits beside.

I’m the one getting up in the night to feed, up and down all night.

I never go out any more. I shop online or my sisters get what I need.

It’s the feeding that’s the problem.

I’ve been out once to get my eyebrows plucked.

Mum kept her but she won’t take a bottle.

How has being a mother changed me?

I think I’ve started to age since I’ve had a baby

’Cos the way my parents talk to me

Oh she’s a mother now

It seems like they all think I’m a bit more grown up

I don’t like it but.

I don’t like it.

You know, I’m still the age that I was

I’m still young.

Before it was like Yes Mum, that’s what I wanna do

And that’s what I’m gonna do.

Whereas now I’ve got to think about her before I decide to do anything

I really don’t like it.

Well, I’d like them to treat me the way they used to before.

In the evenings when my sisters are back I don’t see my daughter.

I sometime wonder if she even recognises me.

I can have a bath in peace

And get properly dressed for the first time all day.

Mum has a bath for her and it has dolphins.

I love dolphins and I told Mum to get her one with dolphins too.

My sister says that’s no reason why she’ll like them.

I’m too scared to bath her though.

I might get water in her eye or drop her.

So Mum does it.

I can’t wear my hoops and stuff like that, she pulls it off and it really hurts.

And if I stop her she starts crying

So I let her do what she wants basically.

Mum is sure she knows I’m her proper Mum now

I went out for two hours last week and none of them could stop her crying

But she stopped straight away when I got back.

I really miss my Dad. We went to see him off at the airport.

All that way and he didn’t kiss me goodbye, only her.

I asked him why and he apologised, hadn’t thought about it,

Said when you had a grandchild that’s how it was.

Scene three. Staying put where she’s at home

They want me back there again, the in-laws.

I did go back for a bit.

It wasn’t right for me to be here again so soon.

When they were missing her growing up.

But that house is a disaster zone,

I thought No I’m going back to my Mum’s

And this is where I’m staying.

They’re very disappointed.

’Cos they thought, now that she’s born,

They want her to be brought up in their house.

But I’ve totally said no, I don’t want her round there.

Hubby’s in depression anyway, he doesn’t know what to do with his brother.

His Dad’s retired so hubby pays the mortgage.

He’s hardly ever there, though, just to sleep.

He visits here morning and evening,

Here I’m more relaxed,

It’s my Mum, I know everybody.

I’ve seen all my little younger sisters grow up

And I was always here to support my Mum,

So I love exactly what she does

And I think that’s the perfect way of doing it

’Cos she raised all of us.

I’m glad I don’t have any brothers

Because we’re all very close to each other

And if we had a boy it would change everything,

He’s probably Daddy’s little boy and my Dad loves me

And I’m the first and I’m the most loved

And I wouldn’t want to change that.

If I had a little brother, he would probably want to take my place

And I’m not too keen on that.

Scene four. Exhausting daily demands

I spend all my days feeding her and changing nappies

She drinks for five minutes and then she stops.

She starts talking, looking around or she falls asleep

And then in another ten, fifteen minutes she’s hungry again

Milk again. Madam wants her milk.

Because I’m only on the breast.

I might start changing to the bottle to get some rest

It takes a lot of time and it’s just wearing me out.

When she’s asleep, my Mum’s like Go on,

Try and get some sleep

But I’m like, Mum,

I’ve got shitloads of things to do.

Make the bed, tidy up

Wash her clothes, wash mine

Have a shower.

I can’t even go into the bath any more because she keeps crying.

Sometimes I’m about to dip myself in and I’m like

Oh no, come out again, she’s crying

Hubby tries to keep her but it’s just like, she’s more with me

So I know how to calm her down

Whereas him, he only gets to see her at the weekend

And late in the evening when she’s sleeping.

I don’t get time to myself any more, I don’t.

Whereas before I had all the luxury of -

I never thought -

I had all the time in my hand.

But now I don’t even get around to wearing my favourite clothes

Don’t make the time for anything anymore

Even phone calls.

I used to be on the phone all the time.

Whereas now I look at my bill and think, wow, how did I do that.

It’s really boring every day to day.

All I want is my own place.

I hope the council will find me one before Dad gets back.

Hubby’s stayed here for three nights running

But he won’t be able to do that soon.

The health visitor suggested I see my MP.

I went to stay with my Aunt for a while.

It’s just that here we take up too much space.

Dad’s back.

Now he knows about what’s going on at the in-laws.

We didn’t tell him when he was away because of his blood pressure.

He’s sleeping on the living room sofa.

He’s alright with it

But he keeps moaning about not being able to find his stuff

This place is so cramped.

There’s three in one bedroom, two in another.

Our Dad’s Mum has the little bedroom to herself.

She needs somewhere quiet to pray.

My sisters and me, we don’t pray like my parents do.

Let’s say, my sisters we’re all very westernised.

I so need my own space.

I hate leaving things around the house, I’m a tidy freak

And anyway when relatives come round

I don’t want them to think I’m making myself too comfortable here.

Yesterday I decided I’d had enough of her wanting my breast milk all the time

I waited till she was 6 months old because SureStart said.

She kept spitting out the baby rice so I gave up

But watch this!

There, one spoonful after another, quick

She likes vegetables too

There you go, Mom, smack your lips it’s so good.

The health visitor recommended a high chair

I was trying to feed her on the bed because where else.

Things are going better.

I actually had a decent night’s sleep

And I feel as if I know what she wants.

Scene five. Managing with family help

I’m sooo tired.

Mum’s having to do everything for me and I feel bad about that.

Today I felt dizzy in the park

Came straight home to lie down.

My hair’s been falling out and I’ve lost too much weight

I wanted to get back down to seven stone but now I’m nearer six

The health visitor thinks I might be anaemic so

I’m going to the doctor tomorrow.

Shhh. I haven’t told Mum yet, but Soraya knows.

I’m pregnant again. It’s been months, they say.

And I really wanted to go back to work when she was a year old

But now there wouldn’t be much point.

I daren’t tell them at work.

I hope they’ll hold my job open but

I’ll probably have to start from the bottom again.

I was just looking forward to getting my life back.

First thing I did was phone hubby

He was shocked too.

He says we can do it. He says we can have two together

And get it over and done with

And then I can go back to my career

And stop stopping and starting.

I don’t know how I’m going to manage

It’s hard enough with her.

She won’t stay in her buggy and screams

And she’ll be jealous too.

And it’ll be more stress on Mum and Dad.

My gran’s due back so there’ll be more people anyway

And hubby won’t be able to stay at weekends.

Dad insists on me sleeping in his room with Mum

But the doctor says he shouldn’t be on his own

He’s got so many illnesses.

Mum’s had an operation on her varicose veins

But she’s always on her feet there’s so much to do.

We have to keep up the pretence that Mum’s ill to the in-laws

So she needs me here.

It’s the best way to keep them off our backs.

Hubby keeps out of it.

They gave him a really hard time at the beginning

But now they’re OK.

They’re saying that their granddaughter would be walking by now

If she lived in their house.

There’s not much space for her here, but she’s beginning to crawl.

They’d all miss her so much if we left and

Mum’s worried that I’d neglect her once the new baby arrives.

But I said no, the new one will just sleep all the time

and she’ll be demanding my attention.

Hubby says she’ll always be number one with him.

She adores my Dad

She’ll choose him over me any day

Sometimes she won’t even go to Mum.

He takes her to every room where she points

Looking at everything that attracts her attention.

She always gets her way

She’s a little madam, just like a firstborn.

It’s awful when she coughs

Look, it’s waking her up

Hello Mom, hello Mom.

I don’t know why we call her Mom

I think my husband started it

I caught on and now it’s stuck.

We’ve moved into my sisters’ room

I needed to give Mum and Dad more space

I started to feel like I was breaking up the couple

With Dad always sleeping on the sofa.

The only way I’d get housed is if Mum and Dad threw me out

And they’d never do that.

They’ll take all the pain.

I can’t do this on my own.

I want to be able to manage on my own but I know I need Mum nearby.

I like it round here.

Where the in-laws live it’s all Asians

And there seems to be a little bit more fight and gossip

Whereas here we’ve got a mix.

All the whites blacks Asians they’re all mixed up

I mean we all speak to everybody in our building.

I was raised up in this borough and I’m happy to raise my daughters here.

Scene six. Coping with two

It wasn’t planned, number two

To be honest, I was really upset

It was really hard for me.

I was planning to go back to work, I was due back.

It took me ages, it must have been four weeks after the news

That I got to terms with, you know, going ahead with the pregnancy.

I was going through a depression.

My husband was really excited like the first time.

I thought he might think ohhh not just yet

Whereas my family everyone was ohh you’ll find it really difficult

And they knew I wanted to go back to work

But then Mum and them, they were like Noo,

Other people do it, single parents could do it

And you’ve got all of us

My siste...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• List of Illustrations
• Preface
• Acknowledgements
• Part I: A Psycho-Social Research Project Example: Introducing Principles, Methods and Practices
• Part II: Three Psycho-Social Perspectives on Knowing and Becoming: Psychoanalytically Informed Theorising in Mothers’ and Researchers’ Knowing
• Part III: Analysing the Politics of the Maternal Psycho-Socially
• In Conclusion
• Notes
• References
• Index