Redirecting Children's Behavior

Effective Discipline for Creating Connection and Cooperation

Kathryn J. Kvols, Kathryn J. Kvols

• Publisher: Parenting Press
• Year: 2022
• eBook ISBN:
  9781641607636
• Print ISBN:
  9781641607612
• Subtopic: Developmental Psychology

"The best, most useful book on parenting I've ever read." —Jack Canfield, author of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Parents are looking for alternatives to rewarding, nagging, threatening, and taking away privileges.  Redirecting Children's Behavior is their comprehensive guide to creating a family life that is close, cooperative, and respectful.
Guiding parents of children from 18 months to 18 years, author and expert Kathryn J. Kvols provides:

• How to establish and maintain a growth mindset.
• Tips to help you and your child manage emotions effectively.
• Steps to set clear limits and follow through.
• How to move beyond using consequences to implement change.
• New ways to enhance the parent/child connection through even the most difficult altercations.
• And much more!

Based on more than thirty years of experience teaching parenting courses, Redirecting Children's Behavior is filled with real-life examples from thousands of parents and professionals using these principles.
The tools are easy, practical, and can be implemented immediately to create the family life you want and deserve.

1

Inside-Out Parenting

Self-care is giving the world the best of you, not what’s left of you.

—KATIE REED

Your son has just spilled his juice on the carpet. It’s no big deal, but you really lose your temper this time. Why do you react so strongly now and not the last time he spilled juice? One reason we parents become irritable, overwhelmed, depressed, or sick is that we have not been doing a very good job of taking care of ourselves. How long has it been since you had thirty minutes by yourself to do whatever you wanted? Common answers I hear are “I can’t remember,” or “I don’t have time to do that.”

Just before the airplane takes off, the flight attendant instructs parents to place the oxygen mask on themselves first in an emergency, and then place a mask on their child. Notice the request: put yours on first, then you will be able to help your child. All too often we satisfy the needs of our children and other people before our own. As a result, our energy is depleted and we have nothing left to give, or we give with resentment. Even a minor problem challenges our used-up reserves.

Why don’t parents take care of themselves? Some reasons are:

• We’ve been taught that it’s selfish to take care of ourselves.
• We feel that taking quiet time or “downtime” is not good use of our time.
• We don’t believe that we deserve time for ourselves.
• We believe that we just don’t have, or can’t find, the time.
• We don’t know how to take care of ourselves.

What do you look like and sound like when you haven’t taken time for yourself? I know I am grouchy, not fun, impatient, and critical. Burned out is a good description. This is the part of you your family experiences.

What do you look like and sound like when you do take care of yourself? There is much to gain when we take good care of ourselves. We are:

• Refreshed and have more energy for our children
• More confident and creative when our children spring surprises on us
• Ready and eager to spend time with our families
• Teaching our children, by example, how to take care of themselves

Nurture Yourself

It is crucial for every parent to have at least thirty minutes each day to restore energy. Finding time for yourself takes commitment, creativity, and determination. The opportunities are not always obvious. Here are some of my ideas for time alone; add your own and take time for renewal.

• Get up earlier or go to bed later than everyone else in your household.
• Use your lunch hour for time alone—walking, thinking, reading, meditating, or dreaming.
• Hire a babysitter, or swap babysitting with a relative or friend, for a couple of hours.
• Alternate time off with your partner, so that you both benefit.

In addition to scheduling time alone, parents need to do things that give them pleasure and nurture them, just as they do this for their children. Do things for yourself that make you feel better. The following ideas might get you started; add your own to the list.

• Take bubble baths or long, hot showers that relax you. Music and candlelight can be delightful additions to the experience and raise it above the ordinary.
• Take walks, especially in the rain or snow.
• Get a professional massage.
• Listen to relaxing music or motivational CDs or podcasts.
• Meditate.
• Sit or work in the garden or in a local park.
• Write in your journal, putting down both the pleasant and unpleasant events of the day.
• Create something: draw, paint, or build.
• Play a musical instrument.

A mother of three children under the age of five told me how impossible it was for her to get away alone. I told her I understood; however, I wanted her to commit to finding some way to take care of herself. When she came back to class the following week, she looked great. Everyone wanted to know what she had done.

She told us, “I used to love playing the piano, but I haven’t played it since the kids were born. The day it rained last week, things were really getting out of control. I just wanted to scream. Then I remembered my commitment and sat down at the piano. It was amazing! I worked out all my frustrations! I noticed that the kids had gathered around behind me and got calmer too.”

The most important thing that I can tell you is to take care of yourself. If you take time for yourself, you will be ready for the constant demands that parenting places on you. Everything you are about to learn from this book will feel easier and come more naturally because you will have the energy to make changes.

Eliminate Stress

Another way to take care of yourself is to work on eliminating as much stress as you can in your life. Let’s look at your day. What segment of your day is the most stressful? Is it your morning routine, picking up the kids from school, homework time, the hour before dinner or bedtime? Take steps to counteract the toll it takes on you and your family. Here are some parents’ solutions:

A father found it extremely stressful to go directly from work to home with its flood of three children, all under the age of six, eagerly greeting him. So he made an agreement with his family that he would listen to some soothing music before he came home. Frequently he had to drive around the block a couple of times. By the time he got home, he was more relaxed and in a better frame of mind to be with his wife and children.

A mother decided that the morning was her most stressful time. Getting her three-year-old daughter dressed became a huge battle that often made her late to work. To solve her problem, the mom gave her daughter a bath and dressed her in her clothes for preschool the night before. Her mornings became hassle free!

A mother of a five-year-old realized she was most stressed when running errands immediately after picking up her daughter from preschool. The time was pure torture because her daughter would whine and fuss, refuse to get out of the car, and then refuse to get back in the car to go. The mother decided to take her daughter to a park and play with her for fifteen minutes before running her errands. After doing this for a week, she reported that her daughter had become more cooperative once she got some quality connection time with her mom.

Self-Reflection Leads to Self-Growth

Learning about self-care also requires self-reflection. The reason this chapter is called “Inside-Out Parenting” is that being an effective parent requires that we become introspective. This involves reflecting on why we do or don’t do certain things. What is going on in your family is often a reflection of what is going on in your inner self.

Self-reflection can be a scary and humbling experience. You may have an impulse to avoid it, but it is necessary for your growth. Self- reflection leads to self-improvement. Without introspection, we go blindly on our parenting path, creating unintended consequences. We fail to achieve our wishes and hopes for creating the picture we have of what it means to be a healthy family.

It is crucial that when you do self-reflection you do so with self-acceptance—looking at yourself neutrally, with curiosity. When introspection includes feelings of guilt, blame, or shame, we literally slow down the process of self-growth. These feelings make us want to hide and not take the risks necessary to create the connection and intimacy we all long for.

Happiness Thieves

Do you engage in worry, guilt, anger, resentment, shame, blame, and overwhelm? These feelings all zap your energy, steal your joy, and keep you from being fully present with your children. It is your choice whether you let these feelings in to steal your happiness.

Let’s look at them individually.

Worry

Worry is a misuse of the mind. You know all too well that we spend a disproportionate amount of time worrying about things that are fundamentally outside of our control. You can worry yourself sick because there is an inordinate number of things you can worry about as a parent. The “what-ifs” can feel exhausting. You know the “What if she fails at school? What if he hangs out with the wrong kids? What if he decides not to go to college?” Worry never changes anything; it just messes with your mind.

One mom caught herself spinning out of control with worry often, so she turned some spiritual music up loud, danced, and sang around the house. She found that her children often joined her!

Don’t waste energy worrying about a problem; instead, trust that life will work out.

When my son, Tyler, was five years old, we were driving up a winding road through a large piece of property my husband and I had just purchased for our business. The property was run down and in need of extensive repair before our opening day. My son looked at me and said, “Mommy, what’s that face?” This was the question he always asked when I appeared to be discouraged.

“I guess I’m worried,” I said.

“Worried? About what?” he asked.

I answered, “I’m worried about money.”

Tyler replied reprovingly, “Mommy, don’t you know life works?”

If you find yourself worrying, remind yourself that “life works.” Take one small action to imp...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication Page
• Contents
• Foreword by Timothy J. Jordan, MD
• Introduction
• 1 Inside-Out Parenting
• 2 Ways to Empower Your Child
• 3 Concentrate on Teaching Life Skills
• 4 What Is Your Parenting Style?
• 5 Live and Lead from Your Values—Your Child Is Watching
• 6 Keys to Effective Communication
• 7 Which Way to Responsibility?
• 8 Your Child Is Not Misbehaving
• 9 Redirecting the Mistaken Goal of Attention
• 10 Redirecting the Mistaken Goal of Power
• 11 Redirecting the Mistaken Goal of Revenge
• 12 Redirecting the Mistaken Goal of Avoidance
• 13 Discipline That Gets Results
• 14 “Why Can’t They Just Get Along?”
• 15 Putting It All Together
• Acknowledgments
• Appendix: Common Behaviors: Ages Eighteen Months to Eighteen Years
• Other Helpful Parenting Books
• Index
• About the Author