Highgate Mums

Overheard Wisdom from the Ladies Who Brunch

Dan Hall

• Publisher: Atlantic Books
• Year: 2016
• eBook ISBN:
  9781786490773
• Print ISBN:
  9781786490766

'Her first words were "shoes" and "brioche".' 'There's no nicer way to put this, but frankly anyone can afford to go skiing these days.' 'Of course I said "no". A trampoline in the garden gives out entirely the wrong message.'
Based on the popular Twitter account @Highgatemums, this hilarious collection brings together the most outrageous snippets of conversation that have been overheard in the shops and cafes of this gentrified North London suburb. Highgate Mums also includes confessions from mothers dismayed by their own upper-middle-class offspring and submissions from fathers making fun of themselves with the hashtag #lattedads, revealing day-to-day life among Britain's chattering classes as never before.

ARMY OF EARS

My HM moment was my then four-year-old’s: ‘Mummy your teeth are the colour of Camembert.’ Cringed and bought extra whitening toothpaste. (@liathughesjoshi)

There is no doubt that the best HM material comes not from my overhears in N6, but the rest of you scattered throughout the world. Your wonderful sense of humour and self-mockery has revealed a seam of absolute gems.

So, this final chapter is dedicated to those who follow the account on social media. The exhausted HM who find the time and energy to log into Twitter, Facebook or email me gets a big round of applause. For this eye-rolling introspection is what HM is turning into. And will be all the better for it!

I’ve stored a number as ‘acupuncture’ in my phone. Not sure if it’s for mine or the cat? Coming over all HM. (@EmilyFlump)

Feeling a bit HM all the way from Scotland having to feed the ducks wholemeal pitta bread from M&S. (@kellydowmcghee)

Tragic story heard in the west end of Glasgow; the dog is allergic to incense. (@loomagooo)

Missy won’t eat non-organic meat. She loves corn fed chicken. Never mind HM, we need @highgatecats. (@tomslominski)

The overhears about discipline are the ones that I’m often accused of making up. So it’s good to know that other people hear things that are beyond what I could ever have imagined:

I overheard a mother say, ‘If you don’t start behaving there’ll be no trip to the library.’ Stern words indeed. (@mcbiiig)

On train in Scotland. ‘No darling, no juice. It’s a Pavlovian response with you, isn’t it.’ (@Amprsndcstls)

At soft play, overheard a child tell his mum, ‘He was mean so I ’it him.’ ‘Hit.’ Enunciated Mum (@Cyberturnip)

I just admonished the dog with the immortal line, ‘Audrey, do not embarrass me. In Hampstead, of all places.’ (@Sarahthoms14)

Just heard a mum tell a toddler he was ‘clearly overstimulated and needed to focus on the task at hand’. (@postscriptwords)

We’ve already covered education, but these couple of gems deserve their own space:

Today, I had a grown-up rant on Facebook over the ridiculous reward system at eight-year-old / five-year-old’s school. WHAT HAVE I BECOME? (@Twitflup)

In daughter’s primary school, they are put in groups Papaya, Mango, Avocado whatever happened to Red, Blue, Green. (@DianaBo)

Contrary to expectations, lifestyle seems not to be something that is actively sought. It’s just there. A bit like a good waiter:

Slight HM dilemma about whether to use the ‘good’ olive oil on the baby’s dry skin. (@Dr_RaulDuke)

At the kids playground at Kew Gardens. It’s basically Highgate Mums: The Movie. (@EmilyofTours)

Five-year-old overheard, ‘We’ve got so many flowers mummy has had to put some of them in a carafe.’ (@HelenStead2)

(in Richmond) ‘Well, we went to Center Parcs but that isn’t really a holiday is it?’ (@LawrenceJunior)

My own daughter — oh, the shame... ‘Mum, you know the marshmallow challenge? We should do the biscotti challenge!’(@anenglishmum)

Swimming with my three-year-old yesterday near the pool pump: ‘Mummy it feels just like the hot tub.’ (@StaceyTatham)

Yesterday in my singing class a ten-year-old said, ‘I wish I was at the Spa.’ (@nhagc)

Feeling very HM this morning, the children are playing croquet. Indoors. (@Ruth_E_Chapman)

And there’s plenty of cases where proper posh has dazzled you:

The ‘homework’ in the Primrose Hill pregnancy yoga class: Buy yourself something in cashmere this week.’ (@lrohde)

Overheard today, ‘They live in *Clapham*, it may as well be Belgium.’ (@50shadesoftrace)

A kid at my kid’s school is giving up croissants for lent. (@bronwynnortje)

And talking of food...

I just got caught dipping my finger in the watercress pesto. (@TrippyPip)

Middle-class quote of the day: ‘Watercress is out of season? Wankers.’ (@RufusHound)

Overheard at a hip noodle bar in WC1, ‘Oh no! I forgot to bring Sarah-May’s little chopsticks.’ (@evvvvil)

A friend just told me that her seven-year-old daughter recently went to a birthday party catered only with sushi. (@mitfordian)

Outside Selfridges, ‘Excuse me, your little boy is about to drop his orange.’ Frosty reply, ‘It’s a clementine.’ (@Sparklyboy1)

I just typed the phrase ‘and can you believe they have no Iranian saffron?’ In reference to my local Morrisons. Help me… (@amanandapencil)

The teens in your house seem to cause rather a lot of amusement too. As a childless spinster I assumed it was only the tots who could be HM, as the teens would reject poshness for rebellion. How wrong I was:

‘I’m ashamed to say the daughter was worthy of HM prior to uni, ‘How will I manage without longhorn mince?’ (@oedipusscat)

Overhea...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Introduction
• Food & Drink
• Education
• Aspiration
• The Children
• News & Conflict
• Shops & Style
• Finance & Poverty
• Mummy’s Voice
• Latte Dads
• Army of Ears
• About the Author
• Copyright