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Ā
Part One
Can closed eyes even in the darkest night
See through their lids and be informād
with sight?
Thomas Traherne,
Poems of Felicity
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1
Third Floor
MERRILY HAD A recurring dream. Sheād read somewhere that it was really quite a common dream, with obvious symbolism.
By recurring ... well, sheād have it maybe once every few months, or the gaps might be even longer nowadays.
There was a period, not long before Sean died, when it came almost nightly. Or even, in that intense and suffocating period, twice or three times the same night ā sheād close her eyes and the dream would be waiting there like an empty train by a deserted platform. Sometimes it was merely puzzling, sometimes it seemed to open up exciting possibilities. Occasionally, it was very frightening and she awoke shredded with dread.
What happened ... she was in a house. Not always the same house, but it was her own house, and sheād lived there quite some time without realizing. Or sometimes sheād just forgotten, sheād gone on living there, possibly for years, without registering that the house had ... a third floor.
It was clear that sheād lived quite comfortably in this house, which was often bright and pleasant, and that she must have passed the extra staircase thousands of times, either unaware of it or because there was simply no reason to go up there.
In the dream, however, she had to go up. With varying amounts of anticipation or cold dread. Because something up there had made its presence known to her.
Sheād nearly always awaken before she made it to the top of the stairs. Either disappointed or trembling with relief. Just occasionally, before her eyes opened, she would glimpse a gloomy, airless landing with a row of grey doors.
In reality, if you excluded flats, she had never lived in a three-storey house.
Now, however ...
āJesus,ā Merrily said. āWe canāt live in this.ā
āYes, I suppose it is big,ā Uncle Ted conceded. āDidnāt think about that. Never a problem for Alf Hayden. Six kids, endless grandchildren ...ā
It was big, all right. Seventeenth century, timber-framed, black and white. Seven bedrooms. Absolutely bloody huge if there was just the two of you. Very quaint, but also unexpectedly, depressingly grotty; nothing seemed to have altered since about the 1950s.
āOf course, itās church policy these days to flog off these draughty old vicarages,ā Uncle Ted said. āReplace them with nice, modern boxes. Worth a lot of money, your old black and whites. Well ... not this one, at present, not in the state itās in after thirty-odd years of Alf and Betty.ā
There was quaint, Merrily thought, and there was horribly old-fashioned. Like the steel-grey four-bar electric fire blocking up the inglenook. Like a kitchen the size of a small abattoir with no real cupboards but endless open shelves and all the pipes coiled under the sink like a nest of cobras.
āBesides,ā Ted said, āwe havenāt got any nice, modern boxes to spare. Three applications for housing estatesāve been turned down in as many years. Not in keeping.ā He frowned. āConservationās a fine idea, but not when it turns a nice, old village into an enclave of the elite.ā
In his habitual cardigan and slippers, Ted Clowes, two years retired, didnāt look at all like a lawyer any more. His face had gone ruddy, like a farmerās, and his body had thickened. He looked as seasoned and solid as one of the oak pillars holding up the vicarage walls.
As senior church warden, Ted had made himself responsible for getting the vicarage into some kind of shape. Negotiating with builders and plumbers and decorators. But, well into April, the work had hardly begun; it looked as though Merrily was going to have to spend the first month of her ministry in a bed-and-breakfast.
She was relieved, in a way. A place this size ā it was ridiculous. And an unoccupied third floor, full of dust and echoes.
She stood on the first-floor landing, miserably looking up. āAll these staircases.ā
āYeah,ā Jane said thoughtfully. āThis puts a whole new perspective on the entire scenario.ā
āIt does?ā
Merrily watched warily as the kid took off up the stairs to the third storey. Sheād been sulking, on and off, for three days. Sheād quite enjoyed the two years in Birmingham while Merrily was at college, loved the time in Liverpool when Merrily was a curate. Big-city woman now. On the way here, sheād said that if Cheltenham was an old peopleās home, rural Herefordshire looked like premature burial.
āYes.ā Jane paused halfway up, looking around.
āYou like this?ā
āAt least weāve cleared all those rooms now,ā Ted said. āAlf and Betty were generous enough to leave us a quarter of a centuryās worth of junk. Yellowing newspapers with pictures of the first moon-landing.ā
Jane had a forefinger placed pensively on her chin. āFar more rooms than youād need, Mum, right?ā
āMmm ... yes.ā
āEven for all your Bible classes and parish meetings and visiting evangelists from Nigeria.ā
āYe ... es. Unless, of course, theyāre travelling with their extended families.ā
āSo this whole storey is, in effect, going spare.ā
āConceivably.ā
Her daughter was starting to operate like a slick barrister. (The barrister Merrily might have become had it not been for Godās unexpected little blessing. Would she still eventually have wound up in the Church if Jane hadnāt come along?)
āDonāt look at me like that, Mum. All Iām saying is I could have a kind of group of rooms up here. Like a suite. Because ... because ... if you think about it, those back stairs come off a separate entrance ... a third door, right?ā
Ted chuckled. He knew all about daughters.
āRight,ā Merrily said. āAnd?ā
āSo it would be kind of my own entrance. It would be ... in fact ... like my own flat.ā
āOh. I see.ā
The third door with its own illuminated bell and a card under perspex: Flat One. Ms Jane Watkins. She was fifteen.
āAnd youād pay the heating bills for this, er, suite, would you?ā
āOh God.ā Jane glared down over the oak banister. āHere we go. Mrs bloody Negative.ā
āOr maybe you could sub-let a couple of rooms.ā
Jane scowled and flounced off along the short passage. Oak floorboards creaked, a door rattled open. That empty sound.
āCould be a double-bluff,ā Merrily said, her daughter pacing bare boards overhead, probably working out where to put her stereo speakers for optimum sound. āThe picture sheās feeding me is that sheās going to be so bored here sheāll have to invite half the young farmersā club over for wild parties. All these rural Romeos popping pills on the back stairs.ā
Ted laughed. āYoung farmers arenāt pill-popping yet. Well ... none that I know of. Pressure job, now, though. Diminishing returns, EC on your back, quotas for this, quotas for that, a hundred forms to fill in, mad cow disease. Suicide figures are already ... Sorry. Bad memories.ā
āWhat? Oh.ā
āI seem to remember saying, āIf you want an informal picture of village life, why not pop along to this wassailing thing?ā Not quite what I had in mind. Awfully sorry, Merrily.ā
She looked through the landing window, down into a small, square rose garden, where the pink and orange of the soil seemed more exotic than the flowers. Over a hedge lay the churchyard with its cosy, sandstone graves.
Oddly, that awful, public death hadnāt given her a single nightmare. In her memory it was all too surreal. As though violent death had been an optional climax to the wassailing and, as the oldest shooter in the pack, Edgar Powell had felt obliged to take it.
āYou know, standing in that orchard, covered with that poor old blokeās blood, that was when I decided to go for it. I clearly remember thinking that nothing so immediate and so utterly shocking ever happened quite that close to me in Liverpool. That maybe, in some ways, this village could actually be the sharp end. I thought, am I going to wash off his blood and walk away?ā
āIt always affects you more in the country.ā Ted came to stand beside her at the window. āEverything that happens. Because you know everybody. Everybody. And youāll find, as minister, that youāre regarded as more of a ... a key person. Births and deaths, you really have to be there. Even if nobody from the familyās been to a church service since the war.ā
āThatās fair enough. Far as Iām concerned, belonging to the Church doesnāt have to involve coming to services.ā
āAnd youāll find that hills and meadows are far more claustrophobic than housing estates. You see somebody coming across a twelve-acre field towards you, you canāt dodge into a bus shelter.ā
āFine.ā
Ted raised a dubious eyebrow. āAnd everybody gossips,ā he said. āFor instance, theyāll all tell you Edgar Powellād been handling that shotgun since for ever.ā
āMaking it suicide?ā
āWhat it looks like, but they havenāt got a motive. Money worries? No more than the average farmer. Isolation? Hardly ā not living on the edge of the village. Depression? Hard to say. Perhaps heād just had enough. Or perhaps he simply wanted to ruin the Cassidysā olde English soirĆ©e. Been a spiteful old bugger in his time.ā
āYou are kidding, arenāt you?ā
āAnyway, Garrod Powellās insisting it was an accident. Came to consult me about it. Heāll be telling the coroner the old chap was simply going soft in the head. Canāt blame him. Who wants a family suicide? I suggested he have a word with young Asprey, get something medical. But it could even be an open verdict.ā
āWhatās that mean exactly, Uncle Ted?ā
Merrily turned to find Jane sitting on the top stair, elbows on knees, chin cupped in her hands.
āMeans they canāt be entirely sure what happened, Jane,ā Ted said.
āWish Iād been there.ā
Merrily rolled her eyes. Having made a point of leaving Jane at her motherās when sheād come to do her bit of undercover surveillance prior to applying ā or not ā for the post. The kid wouldāve given them away in no time.
āDo you get many suicides in the village?ā Jane asked.
āNot with audience-participation,ā Ted said dryly.
Merrily was thinking, half-guiltily, how sheād scrubbed and scrubbed at her face that night and had to throw away the old fake Barbour.
They stayed the night at the Black Swan, sharing a room. On the third floor, as it happened, but it was different in a hotel. The Black Swan, like all the major buildings in Ledwardine ā with the obvious exception of the vicarage ā had been sensitively modernized; the room was ancient but luxurious.
Jane was asleep about thirty seconds after sliding into her bed. Jane could slip into untroubled sleep anywhere. Sheād accepted her fatherās death with an equanimity that was almost worrying. A blip. Sean had lived in the fast lane and that was precisely where he died. Bang. Gone.
Sadder about the girl in the car with him. She could have been Jane in a few yearsā time. Or Merrily herself, ten years or so earlier.
Too many thoughts crowding in, Merrily upended the pillow behind her, leaned into it and lit the last cigarette of the day. Through the deep, oak-sunk window, the crooked, picture-book roofs of the village snuggled into a soft and woolly pale night sky.
Perfect. Too perfect, perhaps. If you actually lived here, with roses round the door, what was there left to dream of?
āHow are things financially, now?ā Ted had asked in the lounge bar, after dinner.
Jane had mooched off into the untypically warm April evening to check out the village. And the local totty, sheād added provocatively.
āOhā ā Merrily drank some lager ā āwe get by. Seanās debts werenāt as awesome as weād been led to believe. And a few of the debtors seem less eager to collect than they were at first. I think it was meeting me. In the dog collar. It was like ... you know ... dangling a sprig of garlic in front of Dracula. Iām glad I met them. I don...