The British Constitution

First Draft

Guy Browning

• Publisher: Atlantic Books
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN: 9781782398035
• eBook ISBN: 9781782398042
• Subtopic: Politics

Exactly eight hundred years ago, Magna Carta established the right not to be thrown in the Tower of London for being slightly irritating, which is the closest we've ever got to a written constitution. But come on! Things have moved on since King John. Isn't it time we had another bash at setting down a few laws and principles for us all to live by? Isn't it time we knew how to queue properly, how to banter within the limits of decency, how to handshake in a regal fashion, how to appropriately and committedly observe the weather, and how to competitively own pets? It will no doubt confuse the Taliban, perplex the Americans and move the French to shrug their shoulders and say bof, but for the good people of this island, this first draft of the British Constitution sets out and celebrates the very best bits of being British.

II. We Will Decide What’s Fair

In Britain the government is responsible for making sure things work fairly for the benefit of all of us.1 We decide who our government is by voting for them every five years.2 If we don’t think they’ve treated us fairly then we can vote them out.3 We expect our politicians to represent our interests not their own.4 We get the politicians we deserve so we should encourage the best by voting for the best.5 Your vote is your voice.6 If you don’t vote you don’t have the right to complain.7 If you think your politicians are doing a poor job then you should try doing better.8 Nothing is stopping you.9 It’s your vote, your system and your country.10

1. It may not feel like it but the government is actually our servant. National, city and local government. All serving us. How cool is that! It wasn’t so long ago most of us were serfs and definitely the servants of the government.
2. It’s a bit like Britain’s Got Talent but for politicians. Your vote counts. So if you want to keep them/lose them make sure you vote.
3. If they haven’t served us properly we can send them back. Just like a faulty hoover. You can’t do that when you’re ruled by dictators/generals/priests/communists.
4. In other countries people want power to get rich. In this country we pay our politicians so they can concentrate on serving us. Remember to let them know exactly what you want them to do for you. They’re not mind readers.
5. We should pay them properly too otherwise no-one’s going to want to be a politician.
6. If you don’t vote no-one will hear you, no-one will know what you want and you won’t make any difference. It’s like what they say about the lottery: You’ve got to be in it to win it. And actually there’s a much greater chance of winning at the ballot box.
7. A hundred years ago women died to get the vote. Show some respect and vote. (Same struggle for votes for Catholics, Jews, Muslims and the Working Class – all won the hard way so you can vote the easy way.)
8. Give our politicians a break. Most of them are doing their best. It’s not an easy job especially when you think what kind of boss they have (all of us – yeuchh!).
9. Nothing! Why not start a new political party? Exciting colours are still available.
10. Own it. Make your ancestors/descendants proud. Bearded revolutionaries may talk about Power to the People but we already have it. We just need to use it.

The Monarchy

(Bow v. Scrape 1066)

Our monarch may look like an elderly and slightly batty relative but she is in fact the head of state.

The Queen has five functions in the constitution:

1. Asking whoever won the election to form a government.
2. Listening to their bonkers plan for the country.
3. Reading out their bonkers plan at the state opening of parliament.
4. Sighing deeply in a small room at the palace.
5. Waiting for the next election.

The Queen is head of the Church of the England. In this role she has a number of different jobs:

1. Damping down any kind of religious fervour.
2. Reminding the Pope that he’s not infallible.
3. Promoting interfaith understanding by regular garden parties.
4. Greeting well-wishers at Sandringham at Christmas.
5. High-fiving passing bishops.

The Queen is also the Patron of Many Different Academic, Charitable and Educational Bodies:

1. The Royal National Society/Institution/Association for Lifeboats/Birds/Animals/Blind/Automobiles/Architecture/Snowboarding.
2. The Crown & Anchor.
3. The Mint Imperial.

The day job of all paid members of the Royal Family has five KPIs (key performance indicators):

1. Well-wishers greeted.
2. Posies taken from small children.
3. Glorious/joyous/solemn weddings/births/funerals provided.
4. Hours of waving per day.
5. Displays of raw power avoided.

The Queen sits up late in the palace studying to be impartial. She is equally gracious to the following groups:

1. Scots/Welsh/English/Northern Irish.
2. Commonwealth Countries.
3. Rejected members of the Commonwealth (the US).
4. Muslims/Christians/Jews/Hindus/Dawks.*
5. Joyless secularist Marxist republicans.

*Fanatical followers of the fundamentalist preacher Richard Dawkins.

By sitting on the throne the Queen provides the vital constitutional function of preventing other types of unsuitable continental-style people being President/Head of State/Emperor

1. Shady ex-industrialists associated with chemical spills.
2. Trades Union Leaders closely allied to Moscow.
3. Slightly shell-shocked Generals in bunkers.
4. Bea...

Table of contents

• The British Constitution
• I. Everything Should be Fair
• II. We Will Decide What’s Fair
• III. Form an Orderly Queue
• IV. Don’t Take Things Too Seriously
• V. Create Something Wonderful
• VI. Respect My Stuff
• VII. Turn Up and Muck In
• VIII. Drink Tea, Talk Weather, Walk Dog
• IX. Don’t be a Selfish Arse
• X. Do Your Own Thing. Let Others Do Theirs
• Acceptable British Conversation
• Acceptable British Activities
• How British is your Religion?
• The British Constitution