The Curious Columns of Adrian Chiles

Adrian Chiles

• Publisher: Profile Books
• Year: 2024
• Topic: Literature
• eBook ISBN:
  9781805221821
• Subtopic: Literary Collections
• Index: Literature

Adrian Chiles's weekly Guardian column has gained a cult following for his unique insights into everything from the present tense in history podcasts to his legendary at-home urinal.

Chiles never misses. And his targets are the stuff of life, the everyday things we should all stop and think about a little more: favourite spoons, the correct duration of a hug, falling into a bed of wild garlic, or even discovering you have a naked doppleganger on OnlyFans.

This bumper collection takes us on a brilliant, bemused tour of British life, delivering offbeat, comforting blasts of truth, humour and warmth.

'The nation's only truly good columnist' Imogen West-Knights, Slate

'It can't do you any harm' Adrian Chiles

Table of contents

• TITLE PAGE
• A NICE WORD
• CONTENTS
• THE MOST SHOCKING MOMENT OF THE MARINA ABRAMOVIĆ SHOW
• A STRANGER ON A TRAIN — AND A SMALL, STUNNING ACT OF KINDNESS
• I MET A MAN FROM AN ADHD CHARITY AND IT WAS LIKE MEETING MYSELF
• MY AGAVE PLANT IS IN FULL BLOOM
• EVERY AUTUMN I AM SHUNNED BY MY FRIENDS AND NEIGHBOURS
• HOW TO TELL IF SOMEONE’S REALLY AN ATHEIST? WATCH A PENALTY SHOOTOUT
• FORGET WINNING STREAKS, IT’S THE BAD TIMES THAT REALLY FUSE US TOGETHER
• I DON’T WANT A BARBECUE. NOT EVEN IN LOCKDOWN
• ISN’T IT IRENIC? IT’S TIME TO BRING BACK BEAUTIFUL WORDS WE HAVE LOST
• THERE’S NOTHING COOL ABOUT REGIONAL PRIDE. THAT’S WHY I LOVE BIRMINGHAM
• FOUR LITRES OF WATER A DAY? REALLY?
• IS THERE ANYTHING MORE SHAMING THAN SHELVES FULL OF BOOKS YOU’LL NEVER READ?
• LIFE LESSONS FROM BOXERS? CONTROL YOUR AGGRESSION AND FORGIVE FOES
• AFTER TRAVELLING IN EUROPE, I’M CALLING IT: BRITISH FOOD IS THE BEST
• IN THE WASTELANDS, BUDDLEIA IS A SYMBOL OF OUR NATIONAL NEGLECT
• WE NEED TO GET RID OF BUSINESS JARGON. DO I HAVE YOUR BUY-IN?
• I HAD SUCH BAD CAR SICKNESS AS A KID THAT THE SMELL OF DAD’S VOLVO WOULD SET ME OFF
• WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE COMFORTABLE BEING CASUALLY RACIST?
• MY ATHEIST FAMILY WAS APPALLED WHEN I CONVERTED TO CATHOLICISM
• CHARLES’S BEACH BODY HAS BEEN ADMIRED. BUT DOES HE SHARE MY AGEING SECRET?
• IT’S NEVER OK TO LOOK AT YOUR PHONE IN CHURCH — UNLESS YOU’RE CHECKING THE SCORE
• I AM THE WORLD’S NICEST DRIVER BUT IN AN SUV I AM TREATED LIKE A PARIAH
• I HAVE FOUND THE PERFECT FUNGUS
• WHAT DID KIDS LEARN IN THE PANDEMIC? THAT ADULTS KNOW NOTHING
• FROM BANDS TO PODCASTS — HOW CAN WE FIND THE GOOD STUFF?
• YOU’RE NEVER TOO OLD TO CLIMB A TREE
• IT’S ONLY A COAT HANGER
• CURSED TO WEAR COMPRESSION SOCKS
• WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF A COW ATTACKS? I’VE FINALLY FOUND THE ANSWER
• HAVE YOU CRIED WITH DESPAIR IN PUBLIC? THERE IS NOTHING BRAVER
• WE NEED A RETURN TO CURIOSITY — PEOPLE JUST WANT TO TELL YOU HOW WRONG YOU ARE
• I THOUGHT I COULD WATCH THE BRITS WITHOUT MAKING SNARKY DAD JOKES
• SLAPPED ON TO TABLES, THROWN OVER HEDGES – WHY IS EVERYONE SO HORRIBLE TO DEAD CATS?
• I HAVE A QUESTION FOR DELIVERY DRIVERS — DO YOU NEED TO USE MY TOILET?
• IF DISHWASHER-LOADING WAS A SPORT, MY DAD WOULD BE WORLD CHAMPION
• WHEN I AM WORKING AT HOME, NO DISTRACTION IS TOO SMALL
• RAY MEARS, A SUSPECTED BURGLAR ... LIFE MUST BE VERY DISPIRITING FOR MY DOPPELGANGERS
• STANDING IN MY BOXERS, BLINDFOLDED, I REMEMBERED WHY I HATE DRESSING UP
• WHAT’S IT LIKE TO WATCH SOMEONE DIE? ASK A DRONE PILOT
• I TOOK DRUGS RECENTLY AND COLOURS DANCED ON THE INSIDES OF MY EYELIDS
• DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT HOT TUB!
• EAR AND NOSTRIL WAXING IS EXQUISITELY PAINFUL
• MY FIRST DRIVE IN AN ELECTRIC CAR WAS GOING SWIMMINGLY …
• WHAT HAS LIFE TAUGHT ME ABOUT EXAMS? IT’S HARD WORK, NOT GRADES, THAT REALLY MATTER
• I THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD TO HAVE A FAVOURITE SPOON. BUT I WASN’T ALONE …
• GRIME, CHIPS, TEA AND FRESH AIR. THERE’S NOWT FANCY ABOUT FERRIES
• SHOULD I STOP USING FOOTBALL CHAT TO BOND WITH STRANGERS?
• BEING A FRESHER CAN BE TOUGH
• I’VE STARTED LISTENING TO FRIENDS’ MUSIC RECOMMENDATIONS — SHAME THAT NO ONE’S ASKED FOR MINE
• A THING OF GREAT BEAUTY FROM WIRE WOOL AND ELBOW GREASE
• GADGETS SHOULD MAKE LIFE EASIER. SO WHY CAN’T I TURN ON THIS NO-TOUCH TAP?
• GARDENING IS A RELENTLESS, UNWINNABLE WAR
• AT EASTER I HAD A FALL. THE WILD GARLIC SMELLED LOVELY, BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO DIE
• MY DAUGHTER’S GCSES ARE OVER — AND SO IS MY ROLE AS A SEMI-COMPETENT CHILD-REARER
• CROATIA HAS ENCHANTING WORDS FOR GENITALIA. WHY DOESN’T THE UK?
• GET LOST? CHANCE WOULD BE A FINE THING
• EVERYTHING HAS TURNED GREY — CARS, CLOTHES, KITCHENS, CARPETS …
• ‘SHE WAS MY WORLD’ — MY GLIMPSE INTO A STRANGER’S GRIEF
• I’VE DECIDED WHAT TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE: GROW A LEMON TREE
• I HATE HAGGLING. WHY CAN’T PEOPLE CHARGE AN HONEST PRICE?
• THE MOST FRIGHTENING THING ABOUT HALLOWEEN? MY POSH NEIGHBOURS
• ‘IS HAMLET ABOUT A SMALL VILLAGE?’ ASKED GRANDAD
• HANDSHAKES ARE THE ONLY ANSWER
• WHAT DID I LEARN FROM HARDY? GREAT CHARACTERS DON’T NEED A BACKSTORY
• MY TOP TIP FOR MIDDLE-AGED LONG-SIGHTEDNESS? BUY A HEAD TORCH
• I DON’T USUALLY ENJOY BEING HECKLED IN THE STREET
• I LOVE HISTORY PROGRAMMES. BUT THERE’S ONE TREND THAT MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL …
• IF PEOPLE STAYED IN THEIR HOME TOWNS, WE COULD BUILD A BETTER BRITAIN
• LIKE SANDALS WITH SOCKS, THE BRITISH HONOURS SYSTEM NEEDS TO CHANGE
• CHEDDAR AND STOUT?! THIS MESSING WITH HOT CROSS BUNS HAS TO STOP
• I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING AND FINALLY FOUND THE PERFECT CURE FOR INSOMNIA
• I LAUGHED AT THOSE WHO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS. BUT THE JOKE IS ON ME
• WANT YOUR WORK EXPERIENCE TO BECOME A PAID JOB? HERE’S MY SECRET
• I MAY NOT UNDERSTAND JAZZ BUT I KNOW ENOUGH TO KNOW IT’S WONDERFUL
• I’VE FOUND MY DREAM JOB. AND IT’S ALL THANKS TO A NASTY FALL INTO WILD GARLIC
• I FEEL FOR KEIR STARMER. I TOO HAVE SUFFERED THE STING OF FAT-SHAMING
• I’VE BEEN FORCED TO BECOME A HOARDER — BY AN ACUTE CASE OF LANDFILL PANIC
• IT TOOK ME 30 YEARS TO LEARN TO LOVE LAPSANG SOUCHONG
• IRONING HAS A RIVAL FOR MY AFFECTIONS – THE MATCHLESS JOY OF LOG-STACKING
• I’VE SPENT A LIFETIME DREADING THE LOSS OF A PARENT. AND NOW IT’S FINALLY HAPPENED
• I EYED A GROUP OF LADS NERVOUSLY … AND THEN I SAW THEIR MAN-BAGS
• I’M IN AWE OF PEOPLE WHO WORK WITH THEIR HANDS
• MY FIRST MANICURE
• BRITAIN STILL MAKES THINGS? WHO KNEW?
• MY INTERVIEW FOR A JOB AT MI5
• ‘OH BLIMEY!’ HOW A SYRIAN REFUGEE FELL FOR A DODGY 70S SITCOM
• I’VE LEFT MY KEYS IN THE BIN AND MY WALLET IN THE FRIDGE. BUT EVEN I’VE NEVER MISLAID RADIOACTIVE MATERIAL
• SOME TEACHERS LIVE LONG IN THE MEMORY. TAKE MR MACEY …
• I’VE JUST HAD AN MRI SCAN. I’VE NEVER BEEN SO RELAXED
• MY BIGGEST SURPRISE OF THE WEEK? I HAVE A NAKED LOOKALIKE ONLINE
• LOOKING AT NATURISTS CAN BE LIFE-THREATENING. AS I FOUND TO MY COST
• I SAW SOMETHING IN A PETROL STATION TOILET THAT I CAN NEVER UNSEE
• I LOVED MY NEW GLASSES — UNTIL PEOPLE TOLD ME WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THEM
• WHY DO I HATE NIGHTCLUBS? THEY ARE FOR BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE AND DANCERS
• NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW THAT … I CAN’T HELP DROPPING JUICY FACTS
• I’VE CUT DOWN MY DRINKING, SO WHY DO PEOPLE THINK I FAILED?
• LET’S RECOGNISE THAT OLDER PEOPLE GET DEPRESSED, TOO — AND GET THEM HELP
• A PEBBLE-IDENTIFYING APP? SOME STONES SHOULD BE LEFT UNTURNED
• DO UNIVERSITY APPLICATIONS FAVOUR MIDDLE-CLASS KIDS?
• PICNIC SEASON IS HERE — AND I HATE IT
• I’M ON NINE PILLS A DAY NOW — AND I’M NOT EVEN WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL ILL
• LET’S NOT SAY ‘PIP PIP’ TO OUR MOST POETIC EXPRESSIONS!
• LOOKING FOR A PLASTIC-FREE WAY TO DISCARD DOG POO? I HAVE THE ANSWER
• BONKERS FOOTBALL JARGON PUTS PEOPLE OFF THE GAME. IT NEEDS AN IDIOT FILTER
• A 20MPH SPEED LIMIT? HOW I LEARNED TO LOVE POOTLING ALONG
• PORN ISN’T A GREAT WAY TO LEARN ABOUT SEX BUT WHERE ELSE DO THE YOUNG WORK OUT HOW TO DO IT?
• COMPUTERS I CAN LIVE WITH, BUT I HATE PRINTERS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART
• I AVOIDED A PRIVATE EDUCATION. NOT EVERYONE I KNOW HAS BEEN SO LUCKY
• IT IS A PRIVILEGE TO BE PRESENT WHEN SOMEONE DIES
• WHAT A BRIEF MOMENT OF BEING OUTNUMBERED TAUGHT ME ABOUT RACE
• THE RADIOTHERAPY DEPARTMENT CAN BE HELL, BUT IT’S ALSO A PLACE YOU FEEL LUCKY
• WHAT’S BETTER THAN A PERFECT BIT OF WRITING? LOVING IT ALL OVER AGAIN
• SOME ROYAL VEGETABLES FOR ONE’S TEA?
• ARE YOU A SHAMBOLIC FIRST-TIME RUNNER? A COACH GAVE ME SOME TIPS
• SAND BETWEEN YOUR TOES? I HATE IT
• MY FRIEND’S FREEZING-COLD PORSCHE … THE SCHADENFREUDE IS DELICIOUS
• HOW DO I KNOW I’M GETTING OLD? PEOPLE OFFER ME A SEAT ON THE TUBE
• HOW I HATE SELF-CHECKOUTS
• MY SERBIAN BEAN STEW SETS PULSES RACING. THE RECIPE? OH, IF YOU INSIST …
• I SLASHED MY UNLOVED FOOTBALL — AND I’M STILL LIVING WITH THE SHAME
• WE CAN GO TO THE MOON — SO WHY CAN’T WE STOP MY GLASSES SLIDING DOWN?
• I HAVE FINALLY MASTERED THE DARK ART OF SOURDOUGH BAKING. HERE’S HOW TO DO IT
• TOMATOES ARE GOOD FOR SPERM COUNT — IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN THAT YEARS AGO
• HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE TIME I SPLIT MY TROUSERS?
• A STIFF UPPER LIP CAN BE FOR THE BEST
• WE NEED TO STOP BUYING STUFF — AND I KNOW JUST THE PEOPLE TO PERSUADE US
• DOES YOUR JOB TAKE A TOLL ON YOUR BODY?
• MY KIDS OFTEN BAFFLE ME. BUT AT LEAST WE AGREE ON SUBTITLES
• MY SUPERPOWER? TURNING A LOVELY AFTERNOON INTO AN ORGY OF PANIC
• WHAT AGE SHOULD YOU START SWEDISH DEATH CLEANING?
• WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT A POOL?
• LONELINESS IS AWFUL, SO EVERY DAY I TRY TO TALK WITH A STRANGER
• I GOT A BACK-TO-FRONT WEST BROM TATTOO
• I AM A TAXI SERVICE FOR MY TEENS AND I LOVE IT
• IS TECH MAKING ME STUPIDER?
• WHEN YOU’RE TIRED AT HALF-TIME, YOU’RE TIRED OF LIFE
• NEVER VISITED TIVIDALE PARK? YOU’RE MISSING A TREAT
• WHY ARE TODAY’S TV DRAMAS SO DEVASTATINGLY DIFFICULT TO FOLLOW?
• I THOUGHT MY UMMING AND ERRING MADE FOR BETTER RADIO. I WAS WRONG
• UNIVERSITY GRADUATION IS SUCH A SIGNIFICANT MOMENT IN LIFE
• I HAVE A URINAL IN MY FLAT
• SOMETIMES WAITING IS BETTER THAN BINGEING
• MY DAD HAS DIED BUT HIS WATCH TICKS ON. WHY DOES THAT FEEL SO HEARTLESS?
• LEARNING WELSH ISN’T POINTLESS. YOU SEE THE WORLD FROM A WHOLE NEW ANGLE
• A WITCH STORE OPPOSITE A NISA LOCAL? IT’S THE START OF A MAGICAL JOURNEY
• SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE WRITTEN TO THE QUEEN SINCE SHE DIED. HOW DO THEY FIND THE WORDS?
• AS A GANGSTER ONCE TOLD ME, WE NEED MORE YOUTH CLUBS
• I HAVE BECOME WHAT I HATE — THE DRIVER WHO PUSHES INTO A LANE
• A SORT OF INDEX
• COPYRIGHT