How Do I Keep My Employees Motivated?

The Practice of Empathy-Based Management

George Langelett

• Publisher: River Grove Books
• Year: 2014
• eBook ISBN: 9781938416903
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Leadership
• Index: Business

Empathize, and become a manager who can effectively influence each of your employee’s attitudes, behavior, level of motivation, and professional growth “ How Do I Keep My Employees Motivated? is an imperative book for leaders in all fields. In order to motivate, you must be able to comprehend and connect on a personal level.”
—TOM DASCHLE, former U.S. Senate Majority Leader “George Langelett brings clarity to elements of management that we cherish at Markel. He explores the ‘soft’ topic of empathy-based management in ways that are highly accessible to managers who are compelled by ‘hard’ logic. He describes the scientific underpinnings of why empathetic management is successful, and he gives clear steps for how managers can develop such a style.”
—ALAN I. KIRSHNER, Chairman/CEO Markel Corporation “I think this is an excellent book. Most books on motivation are either so heavy on theory and research that practicing managers may not know how to apply what’s in the book or else rely so heavily on anecdotes and personal experiences to the point where validity suffers. This book, though, gets it just right: it is based on sound theory and research but offers truly usable applications and advice.”
—DR. RICKY GRIFFIN, Department Head and Distinguished Professor of Management, Blocker Chair in Business, Mays Business School, Texas A&M University

1

EMPATHY: THE FOUNDATION FOR A NEW APPROACH TO MANAGEMENT

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When we are understood, we feel affirmed and validated.

—STEPHEN COVEY

It is not our position, but our disposition, that makes us happy.

—ANONYMOUS

Reflecting on both my childhood and my career, I can recall certain times when I have been very motivated to work hard. I noticed that during each period of peak motivation, I was under the tutelage of an authority figure I respected and admired. I have come to understand that the reason I felt a personal connection to specific authority figures—and not the numerous other potential authority figures—was because of each person’s ability to empathize with my concerns.

You likely find that people who share your thoughts, feelings, and ideas are interesting. And you likely don’t feel any connection with people who appear to have no interest in you. As with first impressions when dating, most of us can tell through the interactions following our first meeting with a new boss whether the relationship is going to be successful or disastrous. This sense is based on determining your boss’s level of empathy—if she has the ability to walk in your shoes or if she doesn’t seem to “get” you.

DEFINING EMPATHY

The dictionary defines empathy as “the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.”³ This is the idea of walking in another person’s shoes.

Although this explanation is clear, I prefer humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers’s working definition of empathy: “Real communication occurs … when we listen with understanding. What does this mean? It means to see the expressed idea and attitude from the other person’s point of view, to sense how it feels to him, to achieve his frame of reference in regard to the thing he is talking about.”⁴I prefer Rogers’s definition because real empathy becomes possible not by identifying with another person, but when we begin to have an understanding of what the person is experiencing and of the underlying problem, or why the person behaves a certain way. This understanding is the core of empathy, and it alone has the power to bind two people together.

Let’s break down this understanding of empathy further. There are four steps to behaving with empathy. First, assume nothing. A good starting point is the honest recognition that you don’t know the situation or the person’s experience during the situation.

Second, listen with understanding. Give the other person your undivided attention; actively listen, and don’t interject your own opinion into the matter. The key to listening with understanding is asking good questions. These questions include the following:

• “What just happened?”

• “Why did it occur?”

• “What was the chronological order?” i.e. What happened first, then what, etc.?

• “How is your employee interpreting the behavior of other people?”

These questions are aimed at providing meaning and clarifying your understanding of the other person’s emotional experiences and what meanings the other person assigns to the event. You are trying to comprehend factually what happened, and also your employee’s perception of the incident.

Third, refine your comprehension of what the other person is saying and experiencing. This may include asking additional questions for clarification, questions such as: So, may I summarize? Can I share with you what I believe you are saying, and please correct me if I have misinterpreted what you have just said. As you summarize, your employee will correct you by explaining the points that you do not fully comprehend. Often, step three is where actual understanding on your behalf occurs. When this understanding is realized, your employee can now experience your empathy with his or her predicament (perception of the event).

Fourth, respond in a way that honors the unique experience of the other person. (The goal of authentic empathy is always to help, never to harm a person experiencing a difficult situation.) By honoring, you give respect or show courteous regard that is appropriate for the situation. This appropriate response may include both words and actions. This fourth step is the key to being perceived as empathetic. Thus, it is important to remember that even though a person may possess great understanding of the experiences of another person, if the response does not honor the experience of the other person, the opportunity to display empathy will be lost.

Leadership coach Tanveer Naseer expands on Rogers’s definition: “What empathy really means is being able to understand the needs of others. It means that you’re aware of their feelings and how it impacts their perception. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with how they see things; rather, being empathetic means that you’re willing and able to appreciate what the other person is going through.”⁵ Thus, to empathize is to display understanding of another person’s perspective, while withholding any and all judgment.

For example, if you have an employee who blames another employee for his work-related problems, to empathize means that you understand that from your employee’s perception the other person is the cause of the problem. This does not mean that you agree with the employee.

Respected psychologist Arthur Ciaramicoli and coauthor Katherine Ketcham help to further explain the importance of empathy:

By increasing our awareness of other people’s thoughts and feelings, empathy shows us how to live life fully and wholeheartedly. Empathy is primarily interested in that process of becoming, enlarging, and expanding, for in truth that’s what empathy is—an expansion of your life into the lives of others, the act of putting your ear to another person’s soul and listening intently to its urgent whisperings. Who are you? What do you feel? What do you think? What means the most to you? These are the questions empathy seeks to explore. Playful and curious, always interested in the moment-to-moment interaction, empathy has the soul of a poet, the heart of a child, and the wisdom of a seer.⁶

Ciaramicoli and Ketcham consider empathy the expansion of your life into the lives of other people for the sake of understanding, alleviating loneliness, and instilling hope. Equally important, empathy creates camaraderie, companionship, and fellowship. It results in a perception of connection, importance, and an enjoyment of life.

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ONE of the best examples of empathy comes from the book of Job in both the Jewish Tanakh and the Christian Bible. Job was a very wealthy man who, through three simultaneous tragedies, lost everything, including his family and his material wealth. We read:

“When Job’s three friends … heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.”⁷

This is a wonderful example of how to empathize. Job’s three friends did not try to cheer him up; rather, they behaved in a way that honored his emotional state. Job was suffering deeply, so his friends joined him in his pain and suffering. This is what it means to empathize. The manager does not deny the employee’s feelings; rather, the manager joins the employee in his emotional state.

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EMPATHY VS. SYMPATHY

Often, people confuse empathy with sympathy. The dictionary defines sympathy as the “fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, especially in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration.”⁸ Embedded in this definition of sympathy is “commiseration,” which has an element of feeling bad or sorry for the person.

The confusion between sympathy and empathy is unfortunate. The intention of sympathy is to commiserate with the person, in order to try and comfort. By contrast, the goal of empathy is to understand. To empathize is to not only understand the other person’s emotional state or predicament from his or her perspective, but also to comprehend the underlying meaning and causes of one’s feelings and behavior. This misunderstanding of the difference between sympathy and empathy is a serious problem because too often when we feel sorry for a person, we feel better, but the other person most likely will not feel better because no one with dignity wants other people to feel sorry for them. Even worse, an employee who is skilled in manipulation can use a manager’s sympathy to his own advantage, including getting out of work or getting the manager to do things for him. By contrast, with empathy, you the manager are able to alleviate feelings of isolation, and with understanding real problem solving can occur.

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UNFORTUNATELY, all too often people have dismissed the importance of empathy in the business world because they believe empathy is all about emotions rather than the use of logic. I have been told that empathy is too touchy-feely to be of any use in the real world. This lack of understanding is tragic for two reasons. First, the core of empathy is a logical understanding of what the other person is thinking and feeling. Second, if you are unwilling to learn how to empathize, you will be at a serious disadvantage competing against individuals who have mastered the skill of empathizing and are able to understand their employee’s and customer’s thoughts, feelings, desires, and perspectives. This ability to accurately understand the reasons behind another person’s behavior is a very crucial skill to master in order to be successful in the business world.

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WE ALL HAVE THE ABILITY TO EMPATHIZE

Occasionally, I have a student tell me that the idea of being able to empathize with another person’s perspective sounds like a wonderful ability, but unfortunately, the student does not feel like she is very good at empathy. I respond with the fact that unless a person is a psychopath, each one of us has the innate ability to empathize.

Ciaramicoli and Ketcham explain that the ability to observe and interpret the nonverbal behavior of other people is already hardwired into our brains as an innate characteristic of human beings:

We are constantly, if subconsciously, reading other people’s emotions and thoughts by watching their facial expressions for subtle changes, noting the way they purse their lips, raise their eyebrows, or grit their teeth, observing the way their muscles shift to express tension, fear, or disgust, registering how they stand relaxed, hands in pockets, or nervously shift from one foot to the other. Through careful observation of other people’s non-verbal behavior, we can infer, often with surprising accuracy, what they are thinking and feeling.⁹

As Ciaramicoli and Ketcham explain, for our own survival we have the ability to interpret the behavior of other people. However, for every human behavior and display of emotions, there are an infinite number of possible causes for a person’s mood and disposition. Thus, even though observational empathy is a trait instinctually present within our nature, without practice, a person is unlikely to move beyond observing and interpreting behavior. By contrast, the goal of empathy-based management is not only to understand a person’s behavior, but also to comprehend their perspective and the causes of the behavior.

NEUROSCIENCE SUPPORT

Now that you have a better understanding of what empathy is, it is important to consider what is happening inside the brain of each of your employees and how the human brain responds to your different behaviors. Physiological reasons determine why your employees respond in a particular way to your behavior. Fortunately, because of improvements in medical imaging over the past two decades, including functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) technology, neuroscientists have made great advancements in both mapping and understanding the different portions of the human brain. Recent studies in neuroscience have begun to underscore the importance of empathy to the well-being and personal growth for each one of us. Also, neuroscientists, including Robert Sapolsky and Daniel Siegel, emphasize the importance of empathy in human interactions for the growth and development of the human brain.

As managers of employees, we need to update our theories to include empathy in regards to both employee behavior and how a manager motivates employees. Managers need to draw from this developing field of neuroscience and the importance of empathetic behavior when attempting to improve our ability to motivate employees.

I will divide this discussion of the workings of our brain into two parts, and summarize the major points pertinent to empathy at the end of this discussion. Part one focuses on the makeup of the human brain and how different regions of the brain respond to human relationships. You will see why perceived negative or strained relationships impair brain functioning, and by contrast, how empathy builds connections between human brains and is required for mental stability and growth. In part two, we will examine the parts of the human brain responsible for making empathy possible.

PART 1: STRUCTURE OF THE HUMAN BRAIN AND HOW RELATIONSHIPS MOTIVATE THE HUMAN MIND

Perhaps the simplest illustration of the human brain is Daniel Siegel’s human hand model. Hold out your hand, tuck in your thumb, and wrap your four fingers over your thumb. You hand becomes a simple but very useful illustration of the human brain.

The wrist and palm of your hand represent the brain stem. The brain stem, also known as the “reptilian brain,” controls the basic functions of the human body, including breathing, digestion, and regulating heartbeat. This is the part of the brain we share with reptiles. One could think of a reptile as a tube, with or without legs, and with teeth on one end. What do reptiles do? They eat, breathe, reproduce, and when in danger, they either fight or run away and hide. Beyond these basic instincts, not much thinking takes place. The entire function of the reptilian brain is self-preservation of its own existence.

The thumb tucked under your fingers represents the limbic region, also known as the “emotional center” of one’s brain. This region includes the amygdala, the hypothalamus, cingulate gyrus, and hippocampi, one on each side, near your ears. At the core of the limbic region are the amygdala—two almond-shaped structures—that are an amazing part of the brain. Although other structures in the brain contribute to the formation of emotions, including the prefrontal neocortex, insula, and the cerebellum, the amygdala are the emotional alarm center of our brain and which signal different glands throughout our body to release hormones in response to our emotional state.

These functions of the amygdala are critical to human relationships. First, the amygdala are a social processing center. The amygdala assess every interaction we have with other people and animals, continuously monitoring every encounter for safety and danger. Emotional values are assigned to the behavior of other people during every social interaction, including: safe, dangerous, cold, warm, exciting, boring, pleasurable, painful, etc. The brain stores these emotional interpretations for future interactions with each individual. If a person has been assigned a negative feeling, such as dangerous, boring, strange, or creepy, the human brain will attempt to avoid interactions with the individual in the future. If the person is assigned a positive feeling, such as fun, interesting, safe, or exciting, the brain will seek to build on the relationship through future interactions.

Second, along with creating a wide variety of emotional states, the amygdala are also the brain’s fight-or-flight alarm center. If at any time we consider another person’s behavior unsafe, or if we see a person who in the past has been assessed to be unsafe, the amygdala will instantly cause the release of stress hormones that will immediately shift our entire body into fight-or-flight mode.

Within the limbic region, the hippocampus is attached to the amygdala. The hippocampus is responsible for determining what information is to be stored in the brain’s long-...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Dedication
• Preface
• Introduction
• Chapter 1 - Empathy: The Foundation for a New Approach to Management
• Chapter 2 - Core Goals of Empathy-Based Management
• Chapter 3 - Empathizing with Employees during Times of Crisis
• Chapter 4 - Tools Managers Can Use for Everyday Empathy-Based Management
• Chapter 5 - The Practice of Empathy-Based Management
• Conclusion
• Acknowledgments
• Appendixes
• Worksheets
• Notes
• Bibliography
• Recommended Further Reading