The Be-With Factor

Mentoring Students in Everyday Life

Bo Boshers, Judson Poling

• Publisher: Zondervan
• Year: 2009
• eBook ISBN: 9780310861126
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Christian Ministry

You want to make a huge, lasting difference in the lives of students, right? The Be-With Factoris a powerful, practical, and sustainable mentoring approach that does just that. It's patterned after Jesus' example of being with his disciples in a variety of real-life settings. It's not another program, but it's about reaching a generation by focusing on a few and doing life with them. Amazing things happen when you spend time with a student purposefully and intentionally—running an errand together, going to the store, grabbing lunch, letting ministry happen naturally. The impact of your faith, shown in everyday life, will transform students' lives—and the impact on one student has the potential to reach a whole generation.Being with not only works, it's Jesus' way. Set forth in careful detail by two veteran leaders who live it, the Be-With factor isn't an add-on—it's the very heart of youth ministry. This book will help train and equip you, and once you adopt the Be-With lifestyle, it will revitalize your passion to make an eternal difference in students' lives.

chapter 1

A Frame of Mind

If it matters, it’s measured. In business, it’s profit. In politics, it’s votes. In sports, it’s points. If you’re reading this book, you’re among those of us from all walks of life who care about the spiritual development of students. You might be a volunteer, a parent, a professional youth worker, or a pastor. How do you measure effectiveness in what you do with students? Is it attendance at weekly meetings? Is it the number of students in small groups? Is it how many kids go to camp? How many kids get baptized? How few students you lost over the course of the year compared to last year’s attrition? Do you count letters of appreciation from students, their parents, or your senior pastor?

By those kinds of measures you might feel pretty good at the end of a ministry season. You might not. But what do you really know about your ministry if you only pay attention to easily measured externals? When you check in with your own heart at the end of the ministry season, how do you feel deep down inside about what you’ve accomplished — and what it took out of you to accomplish it? There may have been a huge cost to your family, or outside friendships may have suffered. Was it worth it?

the payoff

I (Bo) have been working with students in full-time ministry for over twenty years. I’ve taught other leaders about vision and building prevailing youth ministries, strategic planning, developing teams, organizing large events — and at one time led one of the largest student ministries in the country. Despite all the rewards that came from this, I return again and again in my mind to two questions: What really matters? Am I successful in God’s sight?

Let me take you back to my early ministry years. When I first started out in youth ministry, I was twenty-seven, a new Christian, and knew very little about what I was doing. I’d been a football coach, but then God called me into full-time ministry. In my first few years of leading students, I learned so much. I learned one of the most important lessons about what really matters while sitting on a brick wall in a Burbank, California church parking lot.

Every Tuesday night we held a high school outreach event at our church. We worked hard to provide a quality program where Christian students could invite their non-Christian friends to hear the message of Christ. Several hundred high school students came for an evening of sports activities and a program that featured drama, a live band, and a message. We never knew what to expect or what God might do.

After the program was over, the leadership team — about twelve high school and college students — gathered in a certain spot in the parking lot. It wasn’t a planned meeting, but we always seemed to spontaneously show up there — sitting on a low brick wall. At first there’d be a lot of people — students who came for the first time, or regulars who stopped by to say hi or to introduce a friend. At some point, all the students said good-night and I’d be standing there with just the guys I was mentoring: Coleman, Dave, Troy, Trevor, and Alex. The six of us were always the last to leave. And that’s when the storytelling would begin.

There were all sorts of stories — both funny and touching. We laughed about what went wrong that night, how bad the music was, mistakes in the drama, something I said in the message that didn’t make sense, or something that happened during the sports competition. Then the mood changed and the stories shifted from the activities of the evening to the people whose lives were being changed. One of my guys had been praying for months that a friend would come, and he shared how the friend finally showed up for the first time — and loved it. Some had conversations with friends about God, and right then and there God had begun to change their lives. Others had friends who showed signs of wanting to know more about God. And then there were those fantastic celebrations when we found out one of the students had prayed to receive Christ.

I remember looking at these guys, listening to their stories, and thinking, This is what I want to give my life to. This is what really matters to me. I had an incredible sense of fulfillment when I looked into the eyes of these students and saw their compassion, their commitment, and their love for God. Right there in that empty parking lot, sitting on that brick wall, God showed me what ministry was all about. That is why I worked so hard and what allowed me to get through all the other “stuff” that has to be done in youth ministry — those times were the payoff.

When we finally said good-bye and climbed into our cars to head home, I always left with an overwhelming sense of gratitude in my spirit. Although I was tired from the evening, I also had new energy and passion for ministry because I knew these guys and I believed in them. And, twenty-some years later, I still love “sitting on the brick wall,” looking into the eyes of a few high school students I know and love well, seeing their passion, their desire, and their ambition to change the world.

was Jesus a success?

Imagine for a minute how we might measure the effectiveness of Jesus’ ministry while he was here on earth. Granted, he drew some large crowds at the height of his popularity. But only 120 were gathered in the upper room a few weeks after his death — not the several hundreds who’d cheered his triumphal entry into Jerusalem or the thousands who’d flocked to hear him on the hillsides. Where did they all go? And what about the senior spiritual leaders of his day who almost universally opposed him, his message, and his methods? A snapshot taken just before Pentecost looks like a ministry in decline, if not dead in the water — not a movement that would shake up the world.

Despite all this apparent “failure,” Jesus unblinkingly proclaimed that he’d completed what the Father sent him to do (John 17:4). So by Jesus’ measure of success (whatever it was), he’d made it. He said he’d accomplished all his goals.

What explains this discrepancy? How can his ministry results seem so paltry by one set of criteria, yet he be so satisfied and at peace with his accomplishments? We believe we can find the answer by reflecting on Jesus’ ministry using a different plumb line (Amos 7:7). We need to re-evaluate our definitions of success and instead take a close look at the depth of impact he made on a few key individuals.

Jesus’ impact was one of personal transformation deep within the souls of those he touched. These men and women he spent time with found their lives radically altered, even without their full understanding of how or to what extent. Yet as the months and years went by, they discovered just how deep and permanent the “Jesus impact” had been.

Let’s return to the days just after Jesus’ earthly ministry ended. We find Mary Magdalene, released from demonic bondage, who became the first messenger of Jesus’ resurrection. And Peter, though waffling in a time of testing, came back and powerfully preached before thousands. Philip was part of a revival in Samaria soon after the resurrection and even led a visiting Ethiopian official to faith in Christ. John boldly proclaimed Jesus, suffering multiple arrests and enduring a flogging with joy. All the other original Twelve (with the exception of Judas) became fruitful servants of the new Jesus movement in the face of rejection and persecution — most paying with their lives.

Jesus was a success despite his dismal numbers, because the measurement that mattered wasn’t just a short-term body count. We believe the standard by which Jesus measured his own success — and how we also ought to measure our success — was deep, lasting change in a few. As Dallas Willard has suggested, Christians must be weighed, not just counted.¹Jesus’ public notoriety had very little to do with the more enduring effect he had on that rag-tag band of average Joes and Sallys — and the subsequent effect (through the power of the Holy Spirit) they, not the masses, had on the world. Jesus’ life and teaching so altered them that they gave the rest of their natural lives to perpetuating his work. In an age like ours where it seems a large percent of churched high school students are no longer connected to any church within a few years after college, wouldn’t results like those be a refreshing change?

Deep transformation of a few who continue to influence others is the measure we invite you to embrace. And the one word that best captures how to accomplish this is mentoring. There is little doubt Jesus’ methodology worked, because here you are, his follower twenty centuries later, desiring to lead others to be more like him. A fully-orbed youth ministry can’t be reduced to just one simple word, but no healthy youth ministry can exist without the strategic, intentional development of young followers of Jesus Christ. The fact you’re reading this book suggests you’re willing to consider your role. And our prayer is that God would confirm that calling by the time you finish.

Jesus measured what mattered and he gave his life to make lasting change happen. We who are his followers are wise to do the same. And the good news is, we can!

ministry large and small

The simple truth is that Jesus had it right. His focus was always on relationships, and his ministry was in perfect balance: he gathered and spoke to crowds but never allowed their size or adulation trick him into thinking he had done his work. Rather, while speaking and ministering to the many, he also found a few young men and women to invest in deeply, and with the power of the Holy Spirit, that band of followers “turned the world upside down” (Acts 17:6 NLT). This generation needs that to happen again.

We believe that students are waiting for someone to show them the way. That’s what makes youth ministry so exciting — you get to invest in a few young difference-makers just like Jesus did. What a privilege to be a part of forming young lives!

Let’s go back to the beginning of Jesus’ ministry. It didn’t take long for him to attract a loose following and call some specific people to join his movement. But in Mark 3, he takes his relational involvement a huge step further. After spending a night in prayer, we read that he gathered a select few and appointed them to “be with him” (Mark 3:14). Jesus selected twelve, and we know there were a few others in this inner circle, including at least three women (Luke 8:1 – 3). Though public miracles and teaching would be the most obvious aspect of his ministry, he would accomplish the deep work among the few who followed him day in and day out. Walking from town to town, handling the crowds, laughing, eating, sleeping, serving — all parts of daily life would be the training ground for their transformation.

We know from history that it was common for a Jewish teacher (called a rabbi) to gather around himself a small cluster of people who became known as his disciples (the word means “learners”). Jesus used a similar technique of close association in daily life to teach his young disciples. He knew the power of modeling. He knew it would take more than a classroom, books, or conferences — more than thirty minutes of training a week — to transform his followers into his image and set in motion a new world movement. It would take “being-with” a few and intentionally building into them over time for his work to be established.

So at the heart of any ministry that seeks to emulate Jesus — no matter how expansive or public its outward manifestation may be — there must be a commitment from the leaders to mentor a few in the daily aspects of living. We call that the Be-With Factor. Jesus lived it, and it’s God’s call on everyone who follows in Jesus’ steps. We will say it again: for anyone who cares about students, mentoring is by far the most rewarding activity to engage in. No question, youth ministry is hard work. But trust us, it will become much harder if you lose your passion. If you neglect to “be-with” a few students where life-change really happens, your zeal will cool. You cannot afford to watch lives change from a distance. Mentoring gets you up close. Whatever else you do, “be-with” a few so that lasting life-change happens.

the Bible and the be-with pattern

We don’t find the Be-With pattern just with Jesus. We see it at work throughout Scripture. Other leaders in God’s kingdom made similar relational investments. Consider the example of Moses. He led a huge nation and invested in young Joshua, Caleb, and Aaron, and then he passed the baton of national leadership to Joshua. Or Elijah, a prophet of God, called Elisha to “be-with” him as his attendant, and Elisha carried on that prophetic legacy with a “double portion” of Elijah’s spiritual power (2 Kings 2:9). Paul mentored young Timothy and Titus; Paul’s words to Timothy are foundational to the Be-With model: “And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable men who will also be qualified to teach others” (2 Tim. 2:2). Paul’s legacy helped those men and others to have fruitful ministries, and he left behind writings that are essentially his mentoring notes, which still encourage leaders to this day.

Looking up from the pages of Scripture and looking out at the state of our postmodern world, the need for mentoring is even more apparent. Skyrocketing divorce rates and lack of stable adult role models make it even more imperative that those of us who care about youth in the name of Jesus seriously engage in the intentional development of a few potential leaders through mentoring. As a mentor, you can play a major role in turning around the destructive trend that threatens a whole generation, and you’ll help raise up a cadre of leaders to take the church into the challenges and opportunities of the twenty-first century. Isn’t that worth giving your life to — and what youth ministry should be all about?

a picture of mentoring

What exactly does mentoring look like in today’s world? In its simplest form, mentoring is “being-with” in daily life. It’s not just a formal small group time or giving the student lessons from a planned syllabus. It’s spending time with individual students, taking them along with you as you go about some of your daily tasks — or accompanying them while they do theirs. In those experiences, common and everyday as they are, you keep an eye on them and an ear tuned to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. They watch you and learn how a maturing believer does life (presumably, you are maturing!). They also watch your mistakes; those, too, form learning laboratories. From your missteps they learn how someone owns their failures and makes wrongs right, how a person can admit faults and be okay with that, and how to be humble about being a “work in progress” rather than someone who has it all together. Sometimes the focus is on them and you comment on what you see. Other times they ask questions about what they see in you. Those words and experiences, combined with God’s truths, supply them with a r...

Table of contents

• cover page
• title page
• copyright
• dedication
• table of contents
• introduction what does it take to be a mentor?
• chapter 1 a frame of mind
• chapter 2 a guiding strategy
• chapter 3 a plan of action
• chapter 4 a ready student
• chapter 5 a safe environment
• chapter 6 a clear invitation
• chapter 7 a plan for meetings
• chapter 8 a commitment to be-with
• appendix a guide for launching a mentoring relationship
• about the publisher
• share your thoughts