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5 THE TOOL BOX
UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT
Disputes & conflicts
Metaphors for understanding conflict
The conflict core
Common effects of conflict
The pleasures of conflict
When things heat up
The way out is through
The Conflict Triangle
People, Process, Problem
Which mode are you in?
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Disputes & conflicts
āWhy are they behaving like this? āWhat do they really want?ā This chapter offers a few perspectives on conflict to help mediators assess whatās going on and facilitate effectively. Some participants may also find these concepts helpful in understanding their conflict differently.
Disputes: The flashpoint of conflict
The surface of life is full of annoyances, limited resources, dislikes, clashing needs, surging hormones, cultural divides, put-downs, opposing opinions, and irreconcilable interpretations. These are organic, an inevitable part of everyday human experience, not an aberration or an interruption.
Most of the time we negotiate our incompatible needs and perspectives as best we can, and keep going. āDisputesā are open disagreements about specific incidents and issues that have proved difficult to resolve or let go. They may arise from a one-time event, such as an accident. More often they are a visible flashpoint in an ongoing state of tension and distress we define as āconflict.ā
Disputes can potentially be reconfigured or resolved through decisions made by the parties or for them. Resolving underlying conflicts is more challenging: business partners can decide to share profits 50-50, but canāt just decide to feel trusting toward each other.
Interpersonal disputes often expand into conflicts when:
ā¢Thereās significant emotional investment because they believe something important is at stake.
ā¢Commitment to the relationship is not strong enough to hang in there and try to communicate and problem-solve. Or thereās no relationship to begin with (conflicts between strangers).
ā¢People lack conflict-resolution skills (not IF they argue, but HOW).
ā¢People lack the resources to create solutions that work.
ā¢They need the other partyās cooperation.
Conflicts arenāt broken parts that can be fixed up as good as new, like replacing the transmission of a car. Parties may believe that if the other side just did X, all would be well, but this is usually wishful thinking. There are people, relationships, networks, and systems involved. Major conflictsāand their resolutionātend to leave marks. They change how people see themselves and feel about each other. They alter the trajectory of our lives.
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Metaphors for understanding conflict
Weather
Being in a conflict can be confusingāwho is involved, what are their motives, who knows about this, what are the rules, what is this thing about anyway? In this way, conflict is like the weather, with its cycles of hot and cold, storms and sun, rain and ice, its unpredictable waves and winds. It forces you to pay attention. To disputing parties, interactions with the other party can feel similarly capricious and out of control. Episodes come and go, lightning bolts flash, the sun comes out for a while, and their emotions ride up and down.
Mediation will not leave them in a permanently sunny universe. Ultimately neither party is going to do exactly what the other wants, or be who they want them to be. Ideally, the parties leave mediation with the protection of a workable plan, and a willingness to communicate enough that they can live with the ebb and flow of the irrec...
