The Farm Show

Ted Johns, Paul Thompson

• Publisher: Coach House Books
• Year: 1994
• ISBN:
  9781770560581
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Canadian Drama
• Index: Literature

'This is a record of our version of grassroots theatre. The idea was to take a group of actors out to a farming community and build a play of what we could see and learn. There is no story or "plot" as such... Nevertheless, we hope that you can see many stories woven into the themes of this play and that out of it will emerge a picture of a complex and living community.' - Paul Thompson

Act I, Scene X. Washing Woman.

Woman appears pushing washing machine to centre stage, or, if no wheels, she gets her husband to help.

MARION

You know, if you’d get that thing fixed, we wouldn’t have to carry it out here every time, (to audience) I was so busy yesterday, I had so much to do that when I woke up this morning I had a headache and I had to take an aspirin. Well, I feel better now, but I’ve decided to take it easy to-day. I’m going to stay right here in this house (climbs into washing machine and squats down) and maybe do a little housework.

If there’s one thing you’ve got to have on a farm, it’s your health. If you’re not healthy, you’re no good to anyone, (begins dusting machine) Oh, just look at that.

I’ll just give you an idea of what I did yesterday. I started out at five thirty and collected my eggs. Well I do that every morning. You see, I have five hundred new pullets, year-old chickens, and I’m the only one who can collect the eggs because they get very excited … (Jim’s speech below overlaps last sentence.)

JIM

Marion! Marion, I have to go to the dealers. I’ll be back about one-thirty …

MARION

What? What did you say, dear?

JIM

I said I have to go down to the dealers for shear-pins. I’ll be back about one or one-thirty. So if we could have dinner …

MARION

But I took you in yesterday!

JIM

I know. But they shear off in tough hay. We’ll need you out on the tractor about three. So, if you could …

MARION

No! I’m not going out of this house today. I need a rest.

’I’m going to stay right here in this house and maybe do a little housework.’ Janet as Washing Woman

JIM

Well, you’ve the only one left, so I’ll see you on the tractor at three … (exit)

MARION

Well, maybe Jane could help you! That girl never does a thing around here! Maybe she could … Oh well, I must remember to speak to Jane. Then I made breakfast as usual but I didn’t have a chance to do the dishes because I had to take the boys to their hockey practice. They have hockey practice on Tuesdays and Saturdays and baseball practice on, uh, let me see, Thursdays, yes, but Elizabeth takes them on Thursdays, so that’s all right. Then I decided to do my grocery shopping at the same time and kill two birds with one stone after I dropped Jim off at the implement dealers, but I forgot my list. Wouldn’t you know! And I forgot the cheese. Well, I was …

BOY

(enters with old cap advertising Funk’s corn) Mom …? Mom …? Mom? (finally gets her attention)

MARION

What is it dear? (to audience) Excuse me.

BOY

Mom, would you wash my Funk’s hat please? Thank you.

MARION

Just a minute! You come here! Now I’ve told you three times to get rid of this filthy old thing. If I see it again, I’ll burn it!

BOY

(whining) Aw, come on, Mom. It’s my lucky Funk’s hat. I gotta have it. If I don’t have it, we’ll lose the game!

MARION

I’m not washing it. No son of mine is going to be seen wearing a hat like that!

BOY

Pleeeeeeeease?

MARION

(sighs) Oh, all right. But this is the last time!

BOY

Thanks Mom. I knew it. (Kisses her) I love you! (exit)

MARION

Excuse me, I’ll just start the washing. Oh, yes. Well, I was having some ladies in and wouldn’t you know it the one thing that Mrs Hislop loves is cheese?

JANE

(enters carrying laundry) Would you wash this please? I’m going to the dance to-night. Thank-you. (exit)

MARION

Jane? Jane! Your father wants you on the tractor at three o’clock. (overlays Jane’s speech above) And don’t you talk to me like that young lady or you’ll get no … (sigh) Excuse me while I get this laundry in. (starts to gyrate) Well, I had to go back and get xome cheese and by the time I go back at eleven thirty the eggs were all over the place.

MARY

(enters carrying bag) Mom this isn’t garbage!

Knock on door offstage

MARION

I’ve put it out three times. Could you answer the door please? I thought that you… The pullets you see, don’t know how to lay in the nests yet. And then I had to get the boys … (phone rings) Hello? Oh, hello Elizabeth. No, I thought you were …

MAN

(enters with Mary) Feed man! Could you sign here ma’am.

MARY

You’re new around here, aren’t you?

knock on door offstage

MARION

Do you have a pencil? My husband is out in the barn, (to Elizabeth on the phone) I can’t pick up the boys. I have to take it easy today.

WOMAN

(enters with basket) I’ve come for my eggs! I ordered three dozen this morning.

MARION

Mary, try and find a pencil, (to audience) Then the card party arrived and I hadn’t time to do the dishes all day. (to egg woman) Well, I’m sorry, the bakery has bought all the eggs.

MAN

(to Mary) No, I don’t have a pencil, (to Marion) Your husband isn’t out in the barn. I’ve gone out there for the last…

Boy enters holding a hurt thumb, gets into an argument with his sister and chases her around washer, woman and feed man wait impatiently, Marion’s speech has been gradually speeding up until now, gyrating furiously, she is incomprehensible. Other actors draw back into position for square dance. With a loud squawk and flap, Marion turns into a chicken.

JIM

(pause) What’s for dinner!

MARION

(sung to the tune of ‘Turkey in the Straw’ while square dance is performed around her using imaginary as well as real partners to fill out the set)

Verse one:

Oh, a teachin’ woman came to Clinton town.

Maisy sang in the choir but was lookin’ up and down.

For a man she could love who would care for her.

She found him in the kitchen with a can opener.

He was fat and greasy, drank like a fish.

He could cook up a storm and he was a dish,

But he yearned for a farm and to have a spouse,

To do those dishes and be quiet as a mouse.

WOMAN

(advances to stage front) Well, I never minded doing the washing, not since I got my new Maytag. Front loader! (claps her dance partner on the back so that he bends over forming a washer) I just stuff the clothes in here like this, close the door, and give it a good kick! (Washerstarts to chug and shake.) But now it’s out of order. After four weeks you’d think my husband would get the hint. Course he can’t take it into town because it costs too much money! So what do I do? I just stand here and hold it through its cycles. Some automatic! Some husband! (dance resumes)

’So what do I do? I just stand here and hold it through its cyc...