CEO of Everything

Gail Vaz-Oxlade, Victoria Ryce

• Publisher: Collins
• Year: 2016
• eBook ISBN:
  9781443450669
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Personal Finance

We live in a world of growing singleness. While lots of attention is being paid to senior singles, less has been given to younger women and men who find themselves suddenly single—through separation or divorce or through the death of a partner—or to those who come to the realization that perhaps partnership isn’t in the cards and they need to start planning for themselves. Single women make up more than half the population of Canadian women. And they’re facing financial and life challenges for which they’re unprepared.

Both Victoria and Gail know that single doesn’t have to suck. But a newly minted CEO of Everything will face some challenges, so Gail and Victoria are here with a heads up!

CEO of Everything maps out the territory that singles find themselves in and guides readers through topics that form the new land of singleness. Jobs once shared by two now fall on the shoulders of one. And as if life isn’t busy enough, the state of singleness means you get to do it all, all day and every day.

What is normal when you are suddenly planning for life for one? What do you need to look out for, be responsible for and be prepared for?

This book will help readers decide what’s urgent, what’s important and what they can afford to just let go unattended. (Baby, you may be strong, but nobody can do it ALL.)

1 • THE EARLY DAYS

Once upon a time you knew the general pacing and the track of your life. Some days you may even have functioned on autopilot. Things could be counted on.

Becoming suddenly single means you lose the rhythm of that life. You find yourself reactive, shaky about things you never used to be shaky about. You wander around in seemingly endless circles. No longer in flow, you wake up dreading what the day will bring.

VICTORIA’S STORY

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When I walked like a zombie through the first few days on my own, I would at times wonder when the last time was that I’d changed my underwear, or brushed my teeth, or washed my face. It didn’t seem relevant or important. Days were a blur. Here were habits that for nearly 50 years of my life I never thought twice about. Now I needed to actually think about them.

In the early days it may feel like it’s nearly impossible to function. You find yourself gutted because you’ve misplaced your car keys or run out of milk. A notification of an overdue bill or a bounced payment throws you into a tailspin. You burst into tears because . . . well, because of just about anything anyone says to you.

Losing a relationship is hard. Your status changes. It’s not just about checking a different box that describes you in a different way. You are like a child who has been through a growth spurt. You can’t help falling down because your mind map and your body map are so different. You wake up day after day unprepared to deal with a rush of changes you never imagined.

You can adapt to your new status or you can fight it. (But fighting won’t end well.) Moving forward happens by degrees. It means that today you’ll willingly accept your new reality one degree more than yesterday. You’ll acknowledge that your mate is not coming, or not coming back. You’ll recognize it’s time to take off your ring because it no longer symbolizes what it used to. You’ll recognize that the traditional marriage and children aren’t for you so it’s time to begin living your life to the fullest.

No matter how much bargaining, promising, or pleading you do, you cannot turn back time, reverse what has happened, make it all the way it was. And no one should settle for a relationship just to keep a dream in play. You will mourn for what you feel has been taken. You will mourn for what you’ve given up. Even if you chose to leave a relationship, you will mourn.

Crying and confusion are part of the transition. You will get angry. You may try to rewrite history. You may wish you’d died instead of your mate. You may berate yourself for your foolish past choices. You may get physically sick. You may sleep for 12 hours or not sleep at all. You may hate everyone. You may think everyone hates you.

Expect the full spectrum of emotions. You don’t have to apologize for them. Man, woman, or child, we cry when we are sad. (Some of us cry when we’re happy, but you never hear anyone apologizing for those tears.) There’s no need to apologize for your sad tears. As you move through this change in your life you may feel happy, mad, sad, angry, pissed off, elated, hysterical, or indifferent . . . or all of these in rapid succession.

Know, too, that you may feel unsupported in places you once felt secure. You will walk into a room by yourself and feel naked. You may feel alone in rooms full of people. And if you go someplace where everyone else is a couple, you may imagine a sign on your forehead flashing in neon: SINGLE. A gigantic shift has occurred in your life that cannot be wished away, intellectually reasoned away, or ignored away. It must be faced head-on.

You’ll undergo two major types of shifts:

1. A physical shift: your partner is no longer there or you no longer live in the place you used to call home. (We’ll talk more about these changes later in the book.)

2. A mental shift: you realize you are alone and must learn to deal with the emptiness. Or you want to rage at the world because you’re a good person and this is so damn unfair! Or, with everything in turmoil, all you can do is worry, worry, worry.

MAKE A DATE WITH WORRY

If you find yourself single from divorce or death, you will be emotional: shocked, paralyzed, released, overwhelmed, scared, bewildered. You may be thinking, “How much more can I take?” You may struggle with your reality, which looks the same but feels so different.

Even as you boldly step forward, you may tremble with worry. You’ll probably do it in the middle of the night. But since sleep is your ally in the early days, you can’t afford to have it stolen by your ruminations. Watching the destruction of your world play over and over and over again in an endless loop at 2:30 in the morning won’t help you deal with your stress.

One of the biggest downsides of chronic worrying is that worrisome thoughts seem to invade at will. You want to take back control from that invading army of thoughts by setting aside a specific time to worry. Yes, you’re going to schedule your worrying time. During this worry appointment, you’ll think about what’s causing you to feel anxious or nervous.

Why invite worry? Simple. Worry is going to show up at the party whatever you do. Wouldn’t you rather it be on your schedule?

It’s not as easy as simply making a date to sit and worry. The first step in effective worrying is the hardest: You must learn to recognize when you’re heading into worrying territory and catch yourself before you get too far into it. You will acknowledge that you have concerns, that something is bothering you. Make a note of what you’re worrying about so you can give it your full attention later. Then set aside those thoughts, because you have a specific date and time for doing this worrying. It is during Worry Time that you’ll re-engage with those thoughts.

GAIL’S STORY

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It can be tough spotting when your worry thoughts happen and cutting them off at the pass. It takes practice. I know. I had to take control of my worry demons or I would have had a horrible life. As a master of the worst-case scenario, I could ruin something wonderful before I even had a chance to start it. I remember lying in bed beside soon-to-be Husband #2, who was 21 years my senior. While other brides-to-be were planning weddings and honeymoons, my overactive worrier had killed him off and left me to deal with life without the man I loved. How would I know it was time to get up in the morning if I didn’t hear the toilet flush and the shower run? Cripes! I wasn’t married yet and I was planning the poor dude’s funeral. I had to take things in hand. I had to find a way to be more in control or my worry instinct would rob me of all the pleasures life could hold. I worked hard at it. And you will have to, as well, if you want to learn to put worry in its place.

When you catch anxiety crawling into your blood, breathe deeply and say, “I see you, Worry. I know that the picture is scary. Let’s talk about it this afternoon at four.” Don’t forget how you felt. You’ll need that to get into the worry later. Take note, set aside the feelings, and move on to something that can distract you from Worry.

Once Worry Time has arrived, don’t try to do anything else. You want to give the worrying your full focus. Think about the worry or worries that invaded your thoughts. Think about why the worry cropped up. Was it valid? Was it random? Was there a warning you need to think about?

There may have been a real purpose to the worry: perhaps you’ve overlooked something you need to focus on; maybe you haven’t done enough practising to feel confident. If there is validity to the worry, make a plan for how you’ll take care of what has to be done. If the worry seems random and without merit, think about what else is going on that may have triggered the worry to show up in disguise.

The point of Worry Time is to put worry in its place. But it is also to study the nuances of your worry so you learn to understand it. You need to worry. And the way to worry productively is to set aside a time to do it.

Typical things you may worry about include the following:

• Will I have enough money?

• Where will I live? Can I stay in my home or must I go elsewhere?

• How will we pay for the kids’ education? Will the kids be able to go to the same school?

• Will I have to go back to work?

• Will my friends stay my friends?

• Will I be single my whole life or will I meet someone?

• How will we share custody of the kids?

• How can I co-parent knowing my mate has a new partner?

• Will I become a bag lady or a homeless guy?

• What will I tell my family?

• How will I cope?

• What will people think?

• Who gets the dog?

• How will I pay the lawyer?

• Can I make it on my own?

• Will I have to declare bankruptcy?

• What will happen to our business?

• Can I afford the car?

• Who will help me with my aging parents?

• Will I ever be able to retire?

• Where will I spend the holidays? Will I be alone?

• Does everyone know about my mate’s infidelity?

• Does everyone know about my infidelity?

• Why did I make such stupid mistakes?

Sit down quietly with a pen and paper. Write down one of your worries. Then write the worst-case and the best-case outcomes. These thoughts travel through your mind, consciously or subconsciously, so get them down on paper so they don’t haunt your dreams or keep you up at night.

Ask yourself what you can do about this worry. It is important to figure out what is within your control or influence and what you can do absolutely nothing about. No CEO spends time on issues that are completely out of their control. It wastes valuable energy.

Now jot down ideas of what you can do to deal with the worry. Let’s say you’re worried about whether you can afford to stay in your home. Your list might include these options:

• moving

• selling an asset to help pay down the mortgage

• taking in a roommate

• refinancing

• getting a second job

• asking for a loan from relatives or friends

Don’t discard any idea. Instead, think about opening up possibilities. You want to give yourself the biggest range of choices, especially if you feel you do not have much choice.

Worrying is good. It’s the opposite of avoidance. Avoiding tough decisions is a way of maintaining a delusion.

VICTORIA’S STORY

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Did I want to give up my dream house on the water in the country? No way. Mic...

Table of contents

• Dedication
• Contents
• Introduction
• 1. The Early Days
• 2. Changes in You
• 3. Changes around You
• 4. Replacing Missing Employees
• 5. Hello, CFO!
• 6. Learning to Live on Your Own
• 7. Dealing with the Stuff
• 8. Will You Stay or Will You Go?
• 9. Pay It Forward
• Final Thoughts
• Appendices
• Acknowledgements
• About the Authors
• Also by Gail Vaz-Oxlade and Victoria Ryce
• Copyright
• About the Publisher