How to Feel Confident

Simple Tools for Instant Confidence

Leil Lowndes

• Publisher: HarperElement
• Year: 2009
• Print ISBN:
  9780008387044
• eBook ISBN:
  9780007331468
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Personal Success
• Index: Psychology

Leil Lowndes, internationally renowned life coach and bestselling author of How To Talk to Anyone, reveals how you can shine even in the most gruelling social situations.

Whether it's mingling at parties, impressing at interviews or going on a hot date, Leil will turn your shyness and dread into confidence and enjoyment.

Written with insight, humour and empathy, this book explores the psychology behind meeting people, the tricks people use to seem self-assured, as well as little tips and techniques to practice every day. Leil explains how to:

• Identify the reasons behind shyness – and address them
• Overcome awkwardness at social gatherings
• Master public speaking
• Communicate fluidly
• Banish fear to build fulfilling relationships

How To Feel Confident was previously published as Always In The Kitchen At Parties.

No need to stay zapped all day

If you’ve faithfully been doing your morning ‘demented duck on speed’ exercise, high-octane energy will still be flowing through your veins by the time you get to work. However, if you try to maintain a super-cheerful, gung-ho personality all day, you’ll be brought home on a stretcher. There are only a few strategic moments when you must re-pump up the enthusiasm from your morning exercise.

The old chestnut, ‘You never have a second chance to make a good first impression’ is splendid news for Shys. So is another: ‘First impressions last practically for ever.’ That means, if you pump it up and put pizzazz into your personality for a paltry 10 seconds when greeting someone, that memory takes a long time to fade. They’ll think of you as one of the most beloved species, ‘an energetic and optimistic’ individual.

Why 10 seconds? That is the time it takes to make a first impression. Even the most lethargic among us can juice it up for that amount of time.

“I’m basically a very quiet person and don’t have much to say in a group. I work in a post office and there is a woman there who gives everybody a big hello every morning. People like her a lot, so I thought I’d try it. I think they were surprised the first time I did it. I stayed with it, however, and I see people responding to me better although I’m just as quiet as I used to be.”
TINA – CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE

Come on big

You are introduced to Archibald at a Chamber of Commerce meeting. ‘Hello, Archibald, I’m so happy to meet you’ are the words. But say them as though you had just won the lottery. Now that Archibald has pegged you as Mr or Ms Personality, he is more likely to interpret any ensuing silence as sincere interest in him.

CONFIDENCE BOOSTER 14:
Click on ‘animate’ for 10 seconds

Sure it’s tough. But how bad can 10 seconds be? Any Shy can juice up the volume and press the ‘animate’ button for that long. These vibrant few seconds are a great kick off to a confident relationship.

“I started trying something last year that has worked very well for me. I give people a big smile and an enthusiastic hello. At first it sounded all fake to me but I saw others responding with a big smile so I continued. Because they’re so friendly with me now I feel less self-conscious.”
LAMONT – GLASGOW, SCOTLAND

If it looks like a shy, sounds like a shy, and walks like a shy, it must be a shy

Those of you who have read my other books know one of my most deeply-held beliefs. In fact, for me, it has reached the highly elevated state of an ideology, a dogma, tenant, gospel. It is – trumpet blare please – Fake it til you make it.

At first glance that probably seems like lightweight advice, the kind you’d find promulgated in such profound publications as Cosmopolitan or Women’s Own. But it is wisdom for the ages.

Mother Nature created it. Ancient philosophers expounded on it. Gestalt principles confirmed it. Recently it has been carved in stone for the modern world, in more erudite words of course, by a research team with a grant from the Behavioral Science Division of the Ford Foundation.¹

Your mind-body battle for togetherness

Your mind and your body instinctively strive to be in accord with each other. If they are not, you feel unbalanced.

Individuals strive to keep their cognitions psychologically consistent. When inconsistencies arise, they instinctively strive to restore consistence.²

When your mind thinks ‘I am shy,’ your body accommodates and acts shy. And when your body moves like it’s shy, your mind says, ‘I guess I’m shy.’

Here is your mind and body having one of their daily chats:

Your Mind asks your Body: Hey, why are we slumping? What are you trying to tell me?

Body answers: I’m telling you, Brain, that we are shy.

Mind: Well, there certainly is a lot of physical evidence. I guess you’re right, Bod. We are shy.

Body: Excuse me, Brain. Did I just hear you say we are shy?

Mind: Well, yes, Bod. Look how we slump and can’t look people in the eye.

Body: Um, I guess you’re right, Brain. OK, I’ll accommodate you and move like a Shy. Maybe I’ll even add a little blushing and stammering to be more convincing.

Mind and Body in Unison: Wonderful, then we’ll be together again.

In a bizarre sort of way, that satisfies you. Your mind and body agree. The mental health community calls it ‘cognitive consistency’ and human beings instinctively strive for it.

So how do you escape this Catch-22? You have two choices. The first is to convince your mind that you are not shy so your body behaves accordingly. This takes a long time on the psychiatrist’s couch, lots of money, and maybe some pharmacotherapy or medication thrown in.

Choice two: Train your body to act confidently so your mind follows suit. This is what the experts recommend. It’s a lot easier to whip your body into shape than your brain. You know all the basic stuff: Stand tall, look people in the eye, smile and speak up. Start practising your CONFIDENCE BOOSTERs on the least intimidating people. Work your way up to the most difficult.

The goodbye-to-shy theme song: Simple to scary

The lyrics of this song are ‘I’m starting with the simplest and working my way to the scariest.’ You can put the song to your favourite music – classical, Country and Western, acid rock – as long as the lyrics are the same.

Sing the song to yourself as you do every CONFIDENCE BOOSTER in this book. Soon it will be tough to find anyone who intimidates you.

If you sing ‘Simplest to Scariest’ and go at your own pace, soon your mind will soon say to your body:

Mind: Hey Bod, let’s go to the party.

Body: Yahoo! I’m ready, Mind. Let’s party!

What super-sure looks like

A multitude of fascinating factors come under the ‘looking confident ‘umbrella. There isn’t space here to explore the thousands of subtle signs that signal confidence. I cover them in my book How to Talk to Anyone. However, here are a few hints to tide you over. Self-assureds do the following things instinctively. You can do them consciously until they become second nature.

1. When you are at a gathering, do not stand close to the wall or by the snacks. Walk directly to the dead-centre of the room. That’s where all the important people instinctively stand.

2. When you are going through a large door or open double doors, don’t walk on one side. Walk straight through the middle. It signifies confidence.

3. At a restaurant, unless there is an established hierarchy, go for the seat at the end of the table facing the door. That is the power position.

4. Sit in the highest chair in a meeting or on the arm of the couch – but not higher than the boss!

5. Make larger, more fluid movements. Confident people’s bodies occupy more space. Shys take as little as possible, as if to say, ‘Excuse me for taking up this much of the earth.’

6. Keep your hands away from your face and never fidget.

7. When you agree with someone, nod your head up from neutral (jaw parallel to the floor), not down.

8. When walking towards someone and passing, be the last person to break eye-contact.

9. For men: Don’t strut like a bantam rooster. But to look like a leader, swing your arms more significantly when you walk. When you are seated, put one arm up on the back of a chair. Occasionally lean back with your arms up and your hands behind your head.

10. For women: To seem self-assured, square your body towards the person you’re talking to and stand a tad closer. Naturally, give a big smile but let it come ever so slightly so it looks sincere, not nervous.

CONFIDENCE BOOSTER 15:
Let your body be the boss

Whenever you catch yourself in that ‘Beat me again, Master’ body language, snap into the Master’s position. When you move like a Sure all day long, your mind will begin to believe you already are one.

And, of course, need I even mention posture?

“I read somewhere that a negative mind-set causes negative body language, but that the opposite is true, too – you can alter your attitude by adopting a positive demeanour. I tried that, by at first simply forcing myself to walk upright and hold my head level – while still avoiding others’ gazes. That did boost my confidence to a point where I could start looking at people, later on make and hold brief eye-contact, to the current point where about half the people I make eye-contact with break it first.”
KOOS Z. – PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA

Get comfortable looking at two eyeballs per person

‘Make more eye-contact.’ For Shys, that’s like telling a vampire to make good eye-contact with the sun. What if they want to stop and talk to me? What if I freeze up? What if they think I’m stupid? What if they see me blushing? What if ...? No, I’ll just pretend I didn’t see them.

Sound familiar? Your eyes are a vital body part to start SOS (Stamping Out Shyness.)

Some well-meaning people advise, ‘Look at people’s eyebrows.’ Do they really believe you can have a meaningful conversation with a pair of eyebrows? Or, ‘Look at the bridge of their nose.’ Sure, then they tell their friends you’re cross-eyed. Tricks don’t work.

There is no way around it. Shys must master good eye-contact.

If only we thought like the Chinese. To them, having no eye-contact is a sign of respect. But alas, we can’t inject their cultural mores into Western culture and polish our shoes with our eyes while talking to the boss. Here we must have eye- contact commensurate with our culture – confident and spirited. Unfortunately when people see you avert your eyes, these are not the qualities that come to mind. It’s more likely they’ll think you shifty, shy, sneaky, snobbish, and possibly a liar.

“My worst year was my first year in high school. I was shy to the point where I couldn’t look anybody in the eye. I always avoided looking at faces by looking down. So much so that I sometimes walked past my classmates without realizing it, because I was too afraid to look up. They thought I was snubbing them so I wound up not having any friends.”
SONJA – SEATTLE, WASHINGTON

During my shy years, or I should say decades, I tried the eyebrow thing, the bridge-of-the-nose thing, and a few other duds. I feared it was hopeless and I was sentenced to be one of the ’13 per cent-ers’, the ones who are lifelong Shys.

Baby, what beautiful eyes you have

I am always amazed and impressed by the way babies handle eye-contact. Their tiny fearless eyes stare straight into mine. When they grab their little toes and squeal with delight, they don’t worry about their feet being too big or too small. If I gently pat their little tummies they don’t think I mean, ‘Hey kid, gettin’ a little chubby there, aren’t cha?’ They don’t blame themselves for scarfing down that extra jar of pureed applesauce and peaches.

They feel they’re pretty cool no matter what they look like. And th...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Also by Leil Lowndes
• Contents
• Preface
• Section I: A word to the shy . . .
• Section II: Dealing with people until your shyness is gone
• Section III: What people really think of you
• Section IV: Getting out of the kitchen at parties
• Section V: Absolutely no-pain, lots-of-gain techniques
• Section VI: Get a (new) life
• Section VII: Parties and other places in hell
• Section VIII: Fearless conversation
• Section IX: Sure-fire extinguishers for shyness
• Section X: Sex and the single shy
• Section XI: Shy no more
• Section XII: Why am I shy?
• Notes
• More self-knowledge questions
• References
• Back Ads
• Acknowledgements
• About the author
• Copyright
• About the Publisher