Etiquette

Martine Legge

• Publisher: Collins
• Year: 2012
• ISBN:
  9780007441440
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Customs & Traditions
• Index: Social Sciences

Ever wondered about the correct way to address a Duke? Or how to get out of a car elegantly? What do you do if you embarrass yourself in public? These, and a whole host of other practical questions, are answered in this charming pocket-sized book.

1

WRITING LETTERS

Writing a letter is communicating with another person without the help of physical charm or the stimulus and exchange of conversation; therefore it is something which needs extra care and thought if you are to give the right impression of yourself, your education and your background. Yet, in an age of increasingly better education, few put themselves across to their best advantage on paper. This is mostly due to a careless approach. It is not so much a matter of writing with grandiloquence as of writing clearly and concisely without losing the charm of your own particular brand of personality. Gone are the stilted letters of yesterday. You can write as freely as you like, but write, do not telegraph your feelings or message. A good letter is written as you might speak, but with a little more polish and division of ideas into paragraphs.

A good letter is also dependent to a certain extent upon presentation or layout, as in a newspaper or magazine. The matter should be easy to read and attractively set out, with fair margins and space between the paragraphs. In business a letter sells, impresses and informs. (A letter of application for instance, is your personal advertisement.) In private matters a letter can give the greatest pleasure, maintaining friendships and keeping alive a web of relationships almost better than the telephone. A letter, however short, is always more courteous and more of a personal compliment than a telephone call. It gives the impression that you have taken more trouble.

Materials

Black or dark blue ink on white paper looks best: the greater the contrast, the cleaner the layout, the easier it is to read. You can get away with grey or azure paper but avoid other colours. For no logical reason, they are considered “not the done thing.” Single sheets are used today more often than the folded kind. Avoid crinkly edges, lined paper and “dinky” sizes. Never use coloured inks unless you are drawing a diagram or have an established reputation as an eccentric! Thank-you letters, letters of condolence, and business letters of a personal nature should not be typed.

Layout

The letterhead or address should be in the centre or the top right-hand corner of the page, at best engraved in a dark colour. If you cannot afford this, have it printed in black on white paper. This, if well done, resembles engraving. The date should be written below this on the right-hand side, except when answering an invitation in the third person; then it goes on the bottom left-hand corner. Always leave a margin of about an inch all round the sheet of paper.

In business letters or any communication with a shop or firm, the name of the person to whom you are writing or his title, according to the position he holds in the firm, should be written or typed on the left-hand side of the letter just above the salutation, together with the name and address of the firm. Thus:

The Managing Director

Smith Paper Works,

Gnome Road,

Preston, Lancs.

If you address anyone by name, put his title under his name, e.g. A. J. Bloggs, Esq.,

Managing Director.

This is principally to make filing easier.

Addressing Envelopes

It is customary today to address a man as John Smith Esq., rather than Mr. Smith. This is because the title has lost its true significance along the years. It is a courtesy title dating from medieval times and meant to denote a man of gentle birth, although Esquire was officially a rank above that of a mere gentleman. Today, when class differences, apart from the aristocracy, are mostly a matter of money, and families move in and out of various classes with each generation, there is no reason to deny a man a courtesy which is devoid of any real meaning. Americans and those who live in the Dominions usually prefer to be addressed as Mr. on the envelope, unless they are the kind of snobs who regard anything British as the acme of good breeding! It is correct to write to a tradesman as Mr. in a business communication, but if you write to him in any other capacity (for instance, if he is a local councillor) you then address him as Esq., as you would on a personal letter.

Anyone possessing civil or military decorations, crown honours, or letters denoting professional or official status should have these added after the Esq. Thus J.P. for Justice of the Peace; O.B.E. for Order of the British Empire; M.P. for Member of Parliament; Q.C. for Queen’s Counsel, and membership of learned societies such as F.R.S. for Fellow of the Royal Society; R.A. for Royal Academician; F.R.G.S. for Fellow of the Royal Geographical Society; F.B.A. for Fellow of the British Academy, and others. University degrees of Master of Arts, Bachelor of Arts or Bachelor of Science (M.A., B.A. and B.Sc.) are not added after the name on personal letters, only on professional letters. A surgeon should be addressed on the envelope as John Smith Esq., F.R.C.S., and a doctor as John Smith Esq., M.D. or whatever his degree may be, although it is also correct to address the latter as Dr. John Smith on the envelope.

Do not gild the lily by adding strings of letters after a man’s name, just put the most important. If you are writing to someone and you suspect he may have such a status or decoration, you can look him up in the many reference books dealing with the professions, aristocracy, or people of note (such as Who’s Who). These can be found in any public library.

A Married Woman should be addressed on the envelope by using her husband’s first name or initials before the surname, thus Mrs. James Grant or Mrs. J. S. Grant. This is purely social etiquette as in law she retains her first name and initials, using them on her passport, share certificates and in business. A divorced woman is addressed by her first name before the surname, while a widow still has the right to use her husband’s first name. If she has a title and a son who inherits his father’s title, however, she may then be addressed as Ethel, Lady Smith or Ethel, Countess of Blank.

Clergymen of all denominations are referred to on the envelope as “The Rev.”, e.g. The Rev. John Jones, unless they are Rabbis of the Jewish faith, and then they are addressed as “The Rev. Rabbi Cohen.” (For canons, bishops, etc., see pages 32–4.)

For Boys “Master” has fallen into disuse. Today it is correct to write to a boy at school as James Smith, and after the age of 16 or thereabouts as James Smith, Esq.

Beginnings and Endings

Most letters begin “Dear Mr. Smith,” “Dear Sir,” “Dear Mary.” “My dear” is more friendly (although this is the other way around in the United States), and usually used in a letter from an older person to a younger or between people of the same age, but not in a letter from a younger to an older person. Formal letters, or letters written to someone with whom you are not well acquainted, should end “Yours sincerely.” “Yours very sincerely” does not mean anything and should be avoided as being mannered, although “Best wishes” or “Kindest regards” written on the line above “Yours sincerely” softens the ending and sounds more friendly when you know the person to whom you are writing.

When you know someone really very well but do not wish to end “With love from,” you can write “Yours” or “Yours ever.” Such letters should be signed with your first name only. “Yours affectionately” instead of “Love from” is an attractive way of ending a letter, especially from an older person to a younger.

Business Letters or letters to the bank manager, inspector of taxes, letters answering advertisements or complaining to the manager of a store should start “Dear Sir” and end “Yours faithfully.” “Dear Sirs” is used when writing to a corporate body such as a shop. Business letters addressed to someone you know, or to whom you have been given an introduction, should begin “Dear Mr. Smith” and end “Yours sincerely.” Business letters to women you do not know are addressed “Dear Madam.”

An American habit which is sometimes used in this country when writing to professional people such as writers, artists or editors, is to address them as “Dear Mary Jones” or “Dear John Smith.” I have never known anyone who is not infuriated by this and it is wise to avoid this form of address.

To begin a letter “Sir” is very formal and only rarely used in letters written in an official capacity to mayors, heads of organisations, members of the peerage or the editor of a newspaper, when you wish to emphasise the seriousness of the letter’s contents and hope to get it published. Such letters should end “I am, Sir, Yours faithfully.” But professional letters, as opposed to business letters, should end, “I am, Sir, Yours truly.” Letters addressed to an official body and beginning “Gentlemen” should end “I am, Gentlemen, Yours truly.”

Never sign a letter “Mrs. Jones” or “Mr. Jones” but give your full first name and surname, or initials in the case of a business letter, if you prefer it. When a woman writes to a shop or an organisation where it would not be known whether she is married or single, it is correct to print on the bottom left-hand corner, level with her signature, “Mrs. J. S. Jones” or “Miss J. S. Jones.” Never put “Mrs.” in brackets beside your name.

Special Letters

Thank-you Letters. Far too few of them are written today. Not only are they a courtesy but a great source of pleasure to the recipient. For the cost of a postage stamp and a few minutes of your time this is one of the ways to gain a reputation as a person who is well-mannered and thoughtful.

All formal dinner parties should be followed by a letter of thanks, however brief, not a postcard or one of those “notelets.” You should also thank for a formal luncheon. If you have particularly enjoyed an informal dinner party with friends, it is kind and courteous to write a note saying so. Nor is this a suggestion for women only, although married women always write on behalf of themselves and their husbands. A single man invited to a dinner party should also write a brief letter or send flowers with his thanks on a card. (Never underestimate the effect of such a gesture on the wife of a business acquaintance who has given you a meal on terms of business rather than friendship!) Always write to the hostess and address the envelope to her. You can, of course, thank her and her husband in the body of your letter. If the hosts are great personal friends a telephone call will do, although a letter is always a greater courtesy. Nor is it strange today to refer to the excellence of the meal as it was years ago. For hostesses have to do most of the hard work themselves, and it is a delight to be told their efforts have been appreciated.

You should always write a thank-you letter for a week-end spent in someone else’s home or for a gift of any kind. These letters should be written the following day. It is courteous to thank anyone who has given you an interview or written or telephoned a reference or an introduction, especially if it was at your request. They will also be pleased if you tell them the results of any trouble they may have taken on your behalf.

It is not necessary to write thank-you letters for cocktail parties, large receptions such as buffet parties or wedding receptions unless you particularly wish to do so. Take nothing for granted, and you will never be lacking in good manners. No thank-you letter is ever out of place.

Letters of Introduction and References. Should you give a letter to a friend introducing him to a business acquaintance or another friend abroad, to use when he needs (he may not get there for some time), you do not seal it; just push in the flap and write “By hand” on the envelope. The person whom it introduces should send it with a covering note to the person to whom it is addressed. He should not push it into his hand at their first meeting. This is merely embarrassing.

Another method of introduction is to write to your friend saying that so-and-so will call on him, explaining why and asking for his help and co-operation. It is, however, imperative to warn a friend or acquaintance that someone is going to call upon him, and to give a reason for the introduction and tell him what kind of person he may expect. In the old days it was an unwritten law that both sides should be agreeable to the introduction before it was effected. Today this custom has fallen into abeyance. The least you can do is to give a warning, as well as to be sure that you are not causing offence or being a nuisance.

When you secure a job or whatever it is the reference or letter of introduction has helped you to do, it is courteous to write and tell your referee and to thank him.

Should you want to give someone’s name for a reference you must always ask his permission first. Anyone who has not been asked has the right to be angry, as it implies that you are taking him for granted.

Letters of Complaint. These should be short and courteous. Never let your anger get out of hand. Make the letter very formal and list your complaints. Ask for an explanation. Never threaten or allow yourself to be rude. Apart from common courtesy, this is dangerous and may land you in a court of law. A letter is proof for ever of the words you are saying, and cannot be forgotten or denied as can a conversation or telephone call. Be absolutely sure that you are in the right and give the other party the benefit of the doubt, intimating that you are sure he will do everything in his power to put things right. If you cannot get satisfaction and the situation is grave enough, ask your solicitor for advice.

Letters of Condolence. These letters are difficult to write. The only point of such a letter is to extend your deepest sympathy and to offer any kind of help, companionship or affection which the situation allows, and in accordance with the closeness of your relationship. Write briefly and make the bereaved person feel that he is not forsaken in a world which neither shares nor understands his sorrow. This type of letter requires a certain amount of trouble and thought. You need not write a long catalogue listing the qualities of the deceased, although by all means say something nice and how much you will miss him.

Letters about Jobs. If you are answering an advertisement, address the letter to the personnel officer or whoever is indicated in the advertisement. Begin “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madam.” Say why you are interested in that particular job, briefly what you are doing at the moment and why you wish to change. Take care not to run down your present job or company: this looks bad. Say that you would like an interview, and if there is any time of day when you could not possibly get away, explain why. Write the letter in your own handwriting and, without familiarity, try to include a little of your sparkle and personality. You should attach a typed curriculum vitae. This states your date of birth, the schools you have attended, and any diplomas or degrees you may have gained. Then list the various jobs you have held, giving dates. Write a paragraph about any particular achievements or experiences, e.g. published works, community or social work, flying licence, languages and their fluency. Say something about hobbies or any of your special interests. All this gives some idea of the kind of person you are and how you get on with the world around you.

There is no reason why you should state your religion and it is impertinence for an employer to ask; but say whether you are single or married and if you have any children.

At this point you need not give the names and addresses of those willing to give you a reference. When references are requested, ask permission of those whose names you wish to give, and then write giving the names and addresses of those who have agreed.

A good letter of application is one of the best entries to a job, even if you write out of the blue, hoping there may...