Dealing with Difficult People

David Brown

• Publisher: HarperCollins Business
• Year: 2010
• Print ISBN: 9780007346776
• eBook ISBN: 9780007360390
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Business General
• Index: Business

The tricks that experts and top professionals use to overcome difficult people.

Develop your skills

This chapter looks at your general approach to business, and how you can build on everyday skills to manage difficult situations that might arise. We will focus on how to visualize success; give feedback to others; use effective body language; contribute positively to meetings; really connect with people; and use your power to influence others.

6.1
Visualize success

Visualizing success means just that – planting a picture in your head of what success would look like. This affects your subconscious in such a way that you are more likely to do what’s necessary to achieve success.

In recent years, the idea of using a positive image of what you want to achieve has been incorporated into NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). Here’s how to do it:

1 Create a clear picture of a specific goal that you want to achieve. It might be to do with holing a putt at golf; playing happily with your children; having a certain amount of money in the bank; or working harmoniously with someone!

2 Close your eyes and imagine, like Einstein, what success looks like. Picture it! Make the picture as clear as possible, with details of people, size, colour and actions – like a dream.

case study This example is a sporting one, but it can be just as powerful for you in business. Many top sportsmen use this tool. When Nick Faldo was winning his major golf titles, he used to warm up on the range. Except he didn’t! He was visualizing his way around

“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming

attractions” Albert Einstein

3 Feel the emotions of that success. Are you happy, relieved, proud, relaxed, or what?

4 Do this repeatedly, for a few minutes twice a day until you succeed.

5 Help the process by keeping hard copy pictures of what you want, or notes that describe what a successful relationship will look like. I keep a picture of Tom Watson’s golf swing on my office wall, because it shows a position of the left arm that I need to match.

How does this work with someone who is presenting difficulties? Go through the above process, and specifically:

• Imagine a scenario. Think about a situation in which you are happily sitting together, smiling and talking.

• Create a picture. Fix a clear picture of what they will be doing with you: shaking hands with you, for example, or saying “thank you”.

• Visualize success. In your head, envisage the results of your success: the two of you working together on a problem, the two of you exchanging information, outsiders admiring you, etc.

To help you succeed, close your eyes and imagine.

the golf course that he was about to play. He visualized his first tee shot, and his second…He visualized the chips. On the putting green, he visualized the putts he would make on the course, the adjustments to his swing. Try it – the visualization, not the golf swing!

6.2
Give helpful feedback

We all learn from feedback, whether it’s from others or internal. Feedback drives improved performance. I am going to offer you a framework that will make it easy for you to give others feedback in any situation.

One of the golden rules of feedback is to deliver it as soon as possible after the event – the impact is diminished if you put it off.

I was given the EEC framework for feedback by an associate called Andrew Lawless. EEC is based on the idea that when giving people feedback it is important that they understand (a) what they did, (b) what the effect was, and (c) what they need to continue or change.

• E = Example. Tell the person exactly what they did. This should be as specific as possible about what they did. It should be relevant, supportive, helpful and clear.

case study Liz is one of Lee’s suppliers. She prides herself on her networking. However, Lee and some of his colleagues began to feel irritable with the constant phone calls and questions, although no one dared to tell Liz that she was overdoing it. One day Lee decided to offer EEC: “Liz, you rang me up yesterday, asked me

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do” Dale Carnegie, American self-help guru

• E = Effect. Tell them the effect of their actions on you. This will relate to how it made you feel. It is difficult for someone to take offence at how you feel, because it’s not an attack on them! Your feelings can be either negative or positive. Again, be as specific as possible.

• C = Continue or Change. For your feedback to be taken seriously, plenty of it needs to be positive! If your feedback is positive and the individual is not required to do anything different in future, your feedback sounds like “thanks” or “please keep this up”. If the feedback is to change, agree with them how to make a change. This should be based on you suggesting ways in which they can change their behaviour. For example, “I wish you would…”, or “Please make sure that…” Whether it’s continue or change, check if your feedback is accepted.

EEC makes your life easy because ‘E’ for Effect avoids you getting personal. It’s when your feedback gets personal or judgemental that you will stir up bad feeling. Avoid saying, “Your attitude is wrong.”

If you want to change the behaviour of those around you, use EEC feedback.

lots of questions and explained what you were doing. I have to say that I felt as though you were working me like you work a machine. I wish that after all the time we’ve known each other your approach would be more relaxed.” It was a difficult point to make, but Liz took it well and later thanked Lee for the feedback.

6.3
Encourage feedback from others

Feedback from others allows you to learn something valuable about the impact you have on the world. Do other people’s perceptions of you line up with what you intended? Here is how you check that out, and improve your act – however good it is.

If other people’s perception matches what you want, keep it up. If not, avoid the temptation to defend yourself. Remember, it may not be easy for the giver either, so don’t make it more difficult for them!

• Listen quietly. No interruptions, no escaping into defensive strategy – just concentrate on what is being said and mentally note questions or disagreements that occur to you.

case study As a young manager I worked closely with Manish, an accountant, setting up a distribution system for motorcycle spares. When Manish was leaving the company, he said to me: “You’re a perfectionist; I’ll miss you.” I said automatically, “Thank you, that’s very kind of you.” “Hang on,” he said, “that wasn’t entirely a

“It’s a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear” Dick Cavett, chat show host

• Reflect back. Summarize to check that you got the intended messages and to show that you are listening. Their views are valid, even if you do not think they are correct.

• Explore. You may not agree with what you hear, but try to understand what is being said and why this person is reacting in this way. Stay calm, show interest and seek examples to clarify.

• Ask for more. Remember, sincere feedback should help you, not get at you, so ask for more feedback about other things that you do.

• Express your honest reactions. This includes feelings – you don’t have to keep it all bottled up, but try not to be defensive or aggressive.

• Thank them. You owe them this but don’t feel pressured to act against your judgement or reciprocate by saying something nice (or nasty!) back.

When receiving feedback, as in giving feedback, leave the rational thinking and problem-solving till the end, when all the emotion has dissipated. Listen first, then solve the problem. Finally, make choices about what, if anything, you will change in your behaviour.

Treat feedback to you as an opportunity for you to overcome obstacles.

compliment. That was feedback too! Your obsession with getting everything perfect has made working with you extremely difficult, and slowed us down!” Manish was right, and I resolved to curb this tendency, helped by other colleagues who gave me feedback on how I was doing. I think it’s under control!

6.4
Know the significance of body language

Body language is a crucial aspect of communicating. It is a huge subject, and all I seek to do here is alert you to its significance, and show you that it is to your advantage to look into it further if you want to win people round.

Research has shown that 10% of your message depends on the words you use, 30% on how you say them and 60% on your body language. You need to read other people’s body language, decide what it is telling you and use your body language positively. Here are a few examples.

• Eye contact. If someone looks at you for only 30% of the time, consider that they might be lying or hiding something. If their eye contact is more than 70% it could mean that they find you interesting, or that they are being hostile.

• The eye rub. This can indicate lying, but women might rub their eye to avoid making a violent gesture, or they might just have an itch!

• The handshake. A crushing handshake could be a sign that this person is going to start aggressively.

• A...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Copyright
• Table of Contents
• Work successfully with difficult people
• Understand what makes us tick
• Look in the mirror
• Step into their shoes
• Give difficult people a chance
• Use the right tool for the situation
• Develop your skills
• Resolve conflicts effectively
• Jargon Buster
• Further Reading
• About the Author
• Author’s Note
• About the Publisher