Always in the Kitchen at Parties

Simple Tools for Instant Confidence

Leil Lowndes

• Publisher: HarperElement
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN:
  9780008387044
• eBook ISBN:
  9780008138400
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Interpersonal Relations in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

section V

getting out of the kitchen

a shy’s most important 10 seconds

No Need to Stay Zapped All Day

If you’ve faithfully been doing your morning ‘demented duck on speed’ exercise, high-octane energy will still be flowing through your veins by the time you get to work. However, if you try to maintain a super-cheerful, gung-ho personality all day, you’ll be brought home on a stretcher. There are only a few strategic moments when you must repump up the enthusiasm from your morning exercise.

The old chestnut, ‘You never have a second chance to make a good first impression’ is splendid news for Shys. So is another: ‘First impressions last practically for ever.’ That means, if you pump it up and put pizzazz into your personality for a paltry 10 seconds when greeting someone, that memory takes a long time to fade. They’ll think of you as one of the most beloved species, ‘an energetic and optimistic’ individual.

Why 10 seconds? That is the time it takes to make a first impression. Even the most lethargic among us can juice it up for that amount of time.

“ I’m basically a very quiet person and don’t have much to say in a group. I work in a post office and there is a woman there who gives everybody a big hello every morning. People like her a lot, so I thought I’d try it. I think they were surprised the first time I did it. I stayed with it, however, and I see people responding to me better although I’m just as quiet as I used to be.”

TINA – CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE

Come On Big

You are introduced to Archibald at a Chamber of Commerce meeting. ‘Hello, Archibald, I’m so happy to meet you’ are the words. But say them as though you had just won the lottery. Now that Archibald has pegged you as Mr or Ms Personality, he is more likely to interpret any ensuing silence as sincere interest in him.

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SHYBUSTER 19:

Click on ‘Animate’ for 10 Seconds

Sure it’s tough. But how bad can 10 seconds be? Any Shy can juice up the volume and press the ‘animate’ button for that long. These vibrant few seconds are a great kick off to a confident relationship.

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“ I started trying something last year that has worked very well for me. I give people a big smile and an enthusiastic hello. At first it sounded all fake to me but I saw others responding with a big smile so I continued. Because they’re so friendly with me now I feel less self-conscious.”

LAMONT – GLASGOW, SCOTLAND

who’s the boss? your mind or body?

If It Looks Like a Shy, Sounds Like a Shy, and Walks Like a Shy, It Must Be a Shy

Those of you who have read my other books know one of my most deeply-held beliefs. In fact, for me, it has reached the highly elevated state of an ideology, a dogma, tenant, gospel. It is – trumpet blare please – Fake it til you make it.

At first glance that probably seems like lightweight advice, the kind you’d find promulgated in such profound publications as Cosmopolitan or Women’s Own. But it is wisdom for the ages.

Mother Nature created it. Ancient philosophers expounded on it. Gestalt principles confirmed it. Recently it has been carved in stone for the modern world, in more erudite words of course, by a research team with a grant from the Behavioral Science Division of the Ford Foundation.¹

Your Mind-Body Battle for Togetherness

Your mind and your body instinctively strive to be in accord with each other. If they are not, you feel unbalanced.

Individuals strive to keep their cognitions psychologically consistent. When inconsistencies arise, they instinctively strive to restore consistence.²

When your mind thinks ‘I am shy,’ your body accommodates and acts shy. And when your body moves like it’s shy, your mind says, ‘I guess I’m shy.’

Here is your mind and body having one of their daily chats:

Your Mind asks your Body: Hey, why are we slumping? What are you trying to tell me?

Body answers: I’m telling you, Brain, that we are shy.

Mind: Well, there certainly is a lot of physical evidence. I guess you’re right, Bod. We are shy.

Body: Excuse me, Brain. Did I just hear you say we are shy?

Mind: Well, yes, Bod. Look how we slump and can’t look people in the eye.

Body: Um, I guess you’re right, Brain. OK, I’ll accommodate you and move like a Shy. Maybe I’ll even add a little blushing and stammering to be more convincing.

Mind and Body in Unison: Wonderful, then we’ll be together again.

In a bizarre sort of way, that satisfies you. Your mind and body agree. The mental health community calls it ‘cognitive consistency’ and human beings instinctively strive for it.

So how do you escape this Catch-22? You have two choices. The first is to convince your mind that you are not shy so your body behaves accordingly. This takes a long time on the psychiatrist’s couch, lots of money, and maybe some pharmacotherapy or medication thrown in.

Choice two: Train your body to act confidently so your mind follows suit. This is what the experts recommend. It’s a lot easier to whip your body into shape than your brain. You know all the basic stuff: Stand tall, look people in the eye, smile and speak up. Start practising your SHYBUSTERs on the least intimidating people. Work your way up to the most difficult.

The Goodbye-to-Shy Theme Song: Simple to Scary

The lyrics of this song are ‘I’m starting with the simplest and working my way to the scariest.’ You can put the song to your favourite music – classical, Country and Western, acid rock – as long as the lyrics are the same.

Sing the song to yourself as you do every SHYBUSTER in this book. Soon it will be tough to find anyone who intimidates you.

If you sing ‘Simplest to Scariest’ and go at your own pace, soon your mind will soon say to your body:

Mind: Hey Bod, let’s go to the party.

Body: Yahoo! I’m ready, Mind. Let’s party!

What Super-Sure Looks Like

A multitude of fascinating factors come under the ‘looking confident ‘umbrella. There isn’t space here to explore the thousands of subtle signs that signal confidence. I cover them in my book How to Talk to Anyone. However, here are a few hints to tide you over. Self-assureds do the following things instinctively. You can do them consciously until they become second nature.

1. When you are at a gathering, do not stand close to the wall or by the snacks. Walk directly to the dead-centre of the room. That’s where all the important people instinctively stand.
2. When you are going through a large door or open double doors, don’t walk on one side. Walk straight through the middle. It signifies confidence.
3. At a restaurant, unless there is an established hierarchy, go for the seat at the end of the table facing the door. That is the power position.
4. Sit in the highest chair in a meeting or on the arm of the couch – but not higher than the boss!
5. Make larger, more fluid movements. Confident people’s bodies occupy more space. Shys take as little as possible, as if to say, ‘Excuse me for taking up thi...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Copyright
• Contents
• Preface
• Section I: A Word to the Shy . . . 
• Section II: Why Am I Shy?
• Section III: Dealing with People Until Your Shyness Is Gone
• Section IV: What People Really Think of You
• Section V: Getting Out of the Kitchen
• Section VI: Absolutely No-Pain, Lots-of-Gain Techniques
• Section VII: Get a (New) Life
• Section VIII: Parties and Other Places in Hell
• Section IX: Fearless Conversation
• Section X: Sure-fire Extinguishers for Shyness
• Section XI: Sex and the Single Shy
• Section XII: Shy No More
• Keep Reading
• Notes
• More Self-knowledge Questions
• References
• Acknowledgements
• Other Books By
• About the Publisher