Part I
Memory
Remembering Our Story
Memory believes before knowing remembers. Believes longer than recollects, longer than knowing even wonders.
âWilliam Faulkner, Light in August
1
From Frogbottom to a Bucket of Blood
I was born in 1951 in Vaiden, Mississippi, a small town about ten miles from Winona, Mississippi. Winona is about 190 miles northeast of a small town in Louisiana that bears my paternal familyâs surname. Although Fluker is German, the convoluted history of Africans, Native Americans, Spanish, French, German, and English who were part of the settlement of this area runs through my veins and spills over into the waters of the great Mississippi.1 Our section of Vaiden was known affectionately as Frogbottom, a name that could have come from either the croaking of the frogs or the groaning of the black residents, whose existence was often lower than that of the frogs. Winona is the town where Fannie Lou Hamer, Annelle Ponder, and fourteen-year-old June Johnson were jailed and beaten mercilessly after attending a votersâ registration campaign sponsored by the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee in the summer of 1963. Hamer suffered permanent kidney damage and loss of sight in her left eye from the beatings. Two black male inmates were forced, while white officers looked on, to pummel her with a blackjack until they were exhausted. âI had been beat âtil I was real hard, just hard like a piece of wood or somethinâ,â Hamer would later say. âA person donât know what can happen to they body if they beat with something like I was beat with.â2
About thirty miles down the road from Vaiden is Kosciusko, the birthplace of Oprah Winfrey. The first time I met Ms. Winfrey and shared that I was born in Vaiden, she asked, âHow did you get out?â I told her that Daddy left Frogbottom in 1956. He felt like a piece of wood or somethinâ. Mr. Joe Hand, his boss-man, used to âmake our figgers turn somersetsâ at the end of the cotton-picking season.3 My two oldest sisters, Rosetta and Helen, left first. Working in the cotton fields, daily they would hear the City of New Orleans train coming through Winona to collect passengers who were leaving for points north in search of the Promised Land.4 Rosetta and Helen would prop themselves on their hoes in the middle of the hot fields and swear, âLord, Iâm going to ride that train one of these days!â They eventually left with new husbands, Curtis and Eddie, who had made the journey to Chicago and, like saviors, returned for them.
My father, Clinton, followed. He later sent for my mother, Zettie; my older brother, Clinton; my sister Beatrice; and me. Another sister, Ceonia, had died a few years before from a rheumatic heart. There were four other children who had died before I was born, most at birth. My uncle and namesake used to say to me, âBoy, your daddy and mama seen a hard time, a hard time.â
Daddy sent for Mama, Clinton, Bea, and me after locating several piecemeal jobs as a brick cleaner, car wash attendant, and dishwasher. He didnât have the skills necessary to compete in a city like Chicagoâsocial skills, professional skills, and survival skills. His was a journey to a ânew worldâ nearly five hundred years after Columbus sailed, but he simply was not prepared for what he discovered in a compassionless urban society. In fact, I am convinced he never really left Mississippi. He traded Frogbottom for a Bucket of Blood.
In the Northern Diaspora, Mama and Daddy missed âhome.â5 In a strange, almost ironic twist, Frogbottom became a mythical abode of innocence, a means of return to sanity, a remembering that offered a basis for hope in an alien urban context to which my parents never truly adjusted. Mama found âhomeâ in the church. It was a little storefront located between a barbershop and two houses on Forty-Third Street, infamously known as the âBucket of Bloodâ because of the vicious knife fights and shootings in the area. A pool hall and Princessâs Restaurant were located farther down the street. Across the street were a rib joint and a tavern. The church was a sanctuary and social center that protected my youth from madness like an old package used to transport fragile cargo to safe quarters. The building originally served as a church, then an animal hospital, and was later refashioned to accommodate black saints: mostly women, mostly migrants from Mississippi.6 I, too, found a home in datâ rock, as the old spiritual goesâin fact, the church saved me.
My Mama took me to church. Every Sunday she would dress up in her white usherâs uniform with a black handkerchief delicately placed over a badge that read, âCentennial M. B. Church.â I never knew why the founders chose the name âCentennial,â but my best guess is that the church is still less than a hundred years old. Black storefront churches are known for their quixotic names, misplaced metaphors echoing the journey from downsouth to upsouthânames with sounds often more prominent than their signification. Iâve always felt that these sounds represent the primordial search for black identity in the midst of the dissonant sirens of late modernity, where literacy is the agency for salvation. I have heard those sounds many times and in many places, like the time I saw a woman shout across the bar in a blues joint to a saxophone bellowing, âI canât stop loving youâ; or whenever I hear Sam Cookeâs melancholy hymn of hope, âI was born by the river in a little tent / Oh and just like the river Iâve been running ever since / Itâs been a long, a long time coming / but I know a change gone come.â But the best were the sounds streaming every Sunday morning from that little storefront church challenging all the cultural caricatures of blackness and protecting us from the wiles of the many devils that sought access to our souls; sounds like the choir singing, âOh, itâs a highway to heaven / None can walk up there / but the pure in heart. / Oh, itâs a highway to heaven / Iâm walking up the Kingâs Highway!â
I remember how Sylvia Thorntonâs petite body with its elfin features rocked back and forth as her tiny feet hardly touched the pedals while she crouched over the Hammond organ, getting all fired up and playing like it was Judgment Day. We were as clean as the board of health in our double-toned light and dark blue robes, with all of us in the choir belting out the lines as Sylvia, in her chic, elegant outfits, brought a style to the moment that convinced me that God meant for everything we wore to be as beautiful as whatever they were wearing in heaven. âChrist walks beside us, angels to guide us / Walking up the Kingâs Highway!â We did not want to be outdone by the angels while we were walking up the Kingâs Highway! Heaven was a place for styling, laughing, and playing! No sad facesâjust pure joy and light!
We needed Christ to walk beside us! Forty-Third Street was a highway to heaven or hellâit all depended on with whom you were walking. Once I was walking with a high school classmate, a block down the street from the church, when Thunder, the leader of the Black Stone Four Corners Rangers, threatened my friendâs life if he ever repeated to the authorities details about an assassination that he had witnessed. Or the time on the highway when Richard, the itinerant preacher, whose right arm and leg were lost in a prankish teenage accident while playing on the âLâ tracks, met me in one of my frequent states of inebriation and laid his remaining hand on my head in prayer for my future. I remember best the last stanza of the song, âIf youâre not walking, start while Iâm talking / Walking up the Kingâs Highway!â
My memory is a chamber of soundsâblack sounds, rich with life, pregnant with hope and possibility rallying against the damning, depressing nihilistic dirge of machine culture and progress Western-style; the rhapsodic rhythm of congo and bongo drums on hot summer nights in the Chicago of my youth calling upon ancient spirits for deliverance from cultural asylums and redlined urban concentration camps; sounds of young black boys âdoo-woppingâ to the tunes of the Temptations: âIâve got sunshine on a cloudy day / and when itâs cold outside, Iâve got the month of Mayâ; sounds like the pistol shot that left a bullet in Romeroâs neck; sounds like the late-night heavy breathing âup on the roof,â rushing and pushing hard, shooting babies that would never know their fathers; sounds of broken windows from home runs off Tony Kelleyâs bat in the vacant lot across the street from Mrs. Grantâs house; sounds like the âepistemologically opposed and existentially tenseâ7 moaning I heard on late Saturday night and early Sunday morning at the Centennial Missionary Baptist Church, sounds of lament and rejoicing; gospel choirs and the musical wizardry of the Reverend Hosie Robinson reaching his sermonic climax in the sensual cadence and incantations of horns blowing kissesâIn the beginning was the Sound and the Sound was with God and God was the SoundââSomebody, say âAmen!ââ
Mama was the proudest person alive as she greeted the congregants with an extended arm and a swift turn and escorted them to their seats. Those simple movementsâthe extended arm and swift turnâwere what Milan Kundera called âgestures of immortality.â8 I was my motherâs caretaker. This was not my duty alone. I was privileged to share this responsibility with other family members, but since I was the youngest sibling, during my brother Clintonâs military tour of duty in Vietnam, the weight of my motherâs daytime care fell to my sister Bea and me. Mamaâs epilepsy and fiery temperament did not make this task easy. The seizures would leave her confused and with loss of memory. She would forget where she was and often not recognize us for some time. In public places, we learned to protect and comfort her while onlookers stared. Under guarded breath, they called her âcrazy.â
I really donât know much about my motherâs childhood except that her father was an abusive man, prone to fits of rage. He died the year before my birth. My grandmother, whom we affectionately called Maugh, was the backbone of the family of four boys and four girls. She was a medicine woman upon whom the community relied for healing and counsel. She was born with a veil over her face, which meant that she could see. Maugh was strong, rugged, and free. She rode a horse well into old age. The white folks called her a âcrazy nigger,â but she wasnât crazyâshe was fearless!
My mother inherited Maughâs fearlessness. I remember once when I was eleven years old, Mr. B. C., who lived in the basement apartment in the building where we rented the first-floor, four-room flat, got into an argument with my mother. My mother and I were home alone. In a drunken stupor, he came upstairs, broke the window of our apartment door with a pistol and pointed it in my motherâs face. I was crying and pleading with Mr. B. C. not to shoot my mother. My mother stood there in defiance and told him, âYou can shoot me, B. C., but you canât eat me.â Madness.
Early I witnessed the tragic violence that dogs the footsteps of the oppressed: gangs, crimes, drugs, murderâit was all there. Society had already written a nighttime script for the young black men and women of my neighborhood. But my little Mama knew something about the other side of madnessâshe possessed a subversive quality of hope. Constantly in poor health, functionally illiterate, misplaced in a hostile urban environment, Mama still found a place called âhope.â Every Tuesday evening, no matter what activity demanded my youthful attention, Mama required that I go to prayer meeting at our little storefront church on Forty-Third Street. It was there that I would witness the source of this âhope.â During testimony time, Mama would rise and give her testimony. âI just rose to tell my determination,â she began her memorized litany. âMy determination is for heaven. Sometimes itâs hard living in this place. Trials are on every hand. Raising children is hard, but I keep on keeping on, âcause I know that the Lord is able to keep them from falling. Iâve put my children in the hands of the Lord. Sometimes I want to give up, but I canât. âCause this joy that I have, the world didnât give it to me and the world canât take it away.â
O dear mother of mine! How did she know that sometimes when daybreak would seem a million nighttimes away, when I could not see my way for the tears in my eyes, when lonely nights would come way down in the valley where I couldnât hear nobody pray, that her words would find a place in my heart that rings even now: âThis joy that I have, the world didnât give it to me and the world canât take it away!â
Once I saw my mother in a vision, seated at a campfire and wrapped in animal skins, and around her were other elders making preparation for ritual cleansing. She rose from a crouched posture with a staff in her hand and walked to the huge pot in the midst of the fire. I shall never forget the regal beauty and rustic elegance with which she roseâlike a goddess, ancient and holy. She uttered incantations and began to spit into the flame. As she spat, I felt the roar of the flames in my belly, burning my deep inward parts. I screamed with the voice of a soul possessed, receiving a deep inner healing. I knew instantly that she was making preparation for my becomingâa foretaste of the future that I could not see, a baptism in the Fire that prophesies in many languages to many nations. âSee,â she says, âI have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.â9 She is like the refinerâs fire.
* * *
My father was a handsome, gentle man who rested in a place that I sometimes call âpeace by a waterfall.â But long after he left Mississippi for the Promised Land, the ghosts of Mississippi haunted my father. Those haânts, as he called them, were ever present, working sometimes for evil and sometimes for good. Hoodoo was real strong in those parts of the country where he grew up, and people still practice this invisible religion alongside their Christian beliefs.10 A family story that I heard from my father was about the time he was poisoned close to death and he went to a conjure doctor. The conjure man placed a dime in his mouth and the dime turned greenish black, which was a sign that he had been poisoned. The roots worker gave him a potion and he was healed in several days. It took me a while to realize just how powerfully my fatherâs beliefs in ghosts and haânts impacted my own journey into the world of shape-shifting spirits and taught me to observe their different guises, animating mundane things and returning to the silence of memory in old songs.
My best times with Daddy were those kitchen moments before the others rose, watching him bake biscuits.11 Daddy made the best biscuits. Not those storeâbought, spongy Pillsbury doughcakes, but big, thick, Mississippi, handâsized, mouthwatering, longâlasting, Heavy D biscuits that sat awkwardly on the side of the plate to save space for the sausage, eggs, and Alaga (AlabamaâGeorgia) syrup. Even as a small child I had a sixth sense for great cuisine, but I saved the seventh for Daddy.
Sometimes he would sing a song while brewing his coffee in one of the small tin pots. He said he first heard it from a white woman evangelist in the Delta.
Me and the Devil had a tussle, but I won.
Me and the Devil had a tussle, but I won.
I hate the Devil, he hates me.
Me and the Devil cannot agree.
Me and the Devil had a tussle, but I won.
Daddy struggled with many devils...