Loving to Survive

Sexual Terror, Men's Violence, and Women's Lives

Dee L.R. Graham

• Publisher: NYU Press
• Year: 1995
• Print ISBN: 9780814730591
• eBook ISBN: 9780814738542
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Gender Studies
• Index: Social Sciences

A selection of insights into the relationship between men and women

Have you wondered: Why women are more sympathetic than men toward O. J. Simpson? Why women were no more supportive of the Equal Rights Amendment than men? Why women are no more likely than men to support a female political candidate? Why women are no more likely than men to embrace feminism—a movement by, about, and for women? Why some women stay with men who abuse them? Loving to Survive addresses just these issues and poses a surprising answer. Likening women's situation to that of hostages, Dee L. R. Graham and her co- authors argue that women bond with men and adopt men's perspective in an effort to escape the threat of men's violence against them.

Dee Graham's announcement, in 1991, of her research on male-female bonding was immediately followed by a national firestorm of media interest. Her startling and provocative conclusion was covered in dozens of national newspapers and heatedly debated. In Loving to Survive, Graham provides us with a complete account of her remarkable insights into relationships between men and women.

In 1973, three women and one man were held hostage in one of the largest banks in Stockholm by two ex-convicts. These two men threatened their lives, but also showed them kindness. Over the course of the long ordeal, the hostages came to identify with their captors, developing an emotional bond with them. They began to perceive the police, their prospective liberators, as their enemies, and their captors as their friends, as a source of security. This seemingly bizarre reaction to captivity, in which the hostages and captors mutually bond to one another, has been documented in other cases as well, and has become widely known as Stockholm Syndrome.

The authors of this book take this syndrome as their starting point to develop a new way of looking at male-female relationships. Loving to Survive considers men's violence against women as crucial to understanding women's current psychology. Men's violence creates ever-present, and therefore often unrecognized, terror in women. This terror is often experienced as a fear for any woman of rape by any man or as a fear of making any man angry. They propose that women's current psychology is actually a psychology of women under conditions of captivitythat is, under conditions of terror caused by male violence against women. Therefore, women's responses to men, and to male violence, resemble hostages' responses to captors.

Loving to Survive explores women's bonding to men as it relates to men's violence against women. It proposes that, like hostages who work to placate their captors lest they kill them, women work to please men, and from this springs women's femininity. Femininity describes a set of behaviors that please men because they communicate a woman's acceptance of her subordinate status. Thus, feminine behaviors are, in essence, survival strategies. Like hostages who bond to their captors, women bond to men in an effort to survive.

This is a book that will forever change the way we look at male-female relationships and women's lives.

Index

Abandonment: fear of, 40

threat of, 34

Abbey, A., 92

Abortion, 175–176, 229

Abrahamson, D. J., 124

Abramson, L. Y., 134

Abused child, 31, 34, 49, 77, 138, 157, 160, 165, 206, 241–242, 277. See also Violence

Accountability, 227–231, 249, 257

Adler, N. L., 140

Aggression, 140, 142, 151–152, 186, 201, 204, 272

female aggression, 151–160, 181, 191, 219

male aggression, 150–152, 154–155, 192, 203, 215, 228, 233. See also Displaced anger; Violence

Ahrens, L., 263

Alexander, B. K., 31

Alexander, S., 31, 55

Allen, G., 48, 123

Allen, P., 116, 245

Allport, G. W., 185, 246–248

Altruistic Other Orientation, 165, 277

Amburgy, V., 19

American Psychiatric Association, 124

Amnesty International, 35

Anderson, C. M., 175–176

Andrews, D. E., 134

Anger, 185

displaced, 157–160, 181

and females, 125, 126, 139, 149, 150–160, 181, 201, 229, 231–235, 260, 276

intropunitive versus extropunitive, 246–248

and males, 161, 165, 210, 260

Annin, P., 11, 119–120

Anorexia nervosa, 65, 135, 169, 170

Antifeminists, 142, 173, 174, 179

Antilesbianism, 177

Antill, J. K., 278

Anxiety, 126, 133, 134, 152, 181, 191, 192, 272

Aries, E., 203

Aron, A. P., 273–274

Aronson, E., 49

Atkins, S., 31

Atkinson, T.-G., 107, 165, 200, 207–209

Attending, 243

Attractiveness, 99, 100, 125, 141, 162. See also Bodies

Atwood, M., 239–240

B...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Contents
• Tables
• Foreword
• Preface
• Acknowledgments
• One Love Thine Enemy: Hostages and Classic Stockholm Syndrome
• Two Grahamo’s Stockholm Syndrome Theory: A Universal Theory of Chronic Interpersonal Abuse?
• Three “Here’s My Weapon, Here’s My Gun; One’s for Pleasure, One’s for Fun”: Conditions Conducive to Women’s Development of Societal Stockholm Syndrome
• Four En-Gendered Terror: The Psychodynamics of Stockholm Syndrome Applied to Women as a Group in Our Relations with Men as a Group
• Five The Beauties and the Beasts: Women’s Femininity, Love of Men, and Heterosexuality
• Six Moving from Surviving to Thriving: Breaking Out of 22s Societal Stockholm Syndrome
• Appendix Potential Aspects of Stockholm Syndrome
• Notes
• References
• Index
• Foonotes