When Boys Become Boys

Development, Relationships, and Masculinity

Chu, Judy Y., Gilligan, Carol

• Publisher: NYU Press
• Year: 2014
• Print ISBN: 9780814764800
• eBook ISBN: 9780814764619
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Developmental Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Based on a two-year study that followed boys from pre-kindergarten through first grade, When Boys Become Boys offers a new way of thinking about boys' development. Through focusing on a critical moment of transition in boys' lives, Judy Y. Chu reveals boys' early ability to be emotionally perceptive, articulate, and responsive in their relationships, and how these "feminine" qualities become less apparent as boys learn to prove that they are boys primarily by showing that they are not girls. Chu finds that behaviors typically viewed as "natural" for boys reflect an adaptation to cultures that require boys to be stoic, competitive, and aggressive if they are to be accepted as "real boys." Yet even as boys begin to reap the social benefits of aligning with norms of masculine behavior, they pay a psychological and relational price for renouncing parts of their humanity.

Chu documents boys' perceptions of the obstacles they face and the pressures they feel to conform, showing that compliance with rules of masculinity is neither automatic nor inevitable. This accessible and engaging book provides insight into ways in which adults can foster boys' healthy resistance and help them to access a broader range of options as they seek to connect with others while remaining true to themselves.

1
Entering Boys’ World

With the goal of learning about boys’ experiences from their perspectives, in their words, and on their terms, I adapted a relational approach to psychological inquiry that focused on developing comfortable relationships with the boys, earning their trust over time, and observing them as they interacted with each other and with me. In many regards, my study started from a place of not knowing. I explained to the boys that, because I am a woman (who was once a girl), I do not know what it is like to be a boy and therefore I would be looking to them as my teachers and relying on them to help me understand their experiences.

A Hierarchy of Boys

The participants in my study were all six boys in the pre-Kindergarten class at the Friends School, an independent primary school in New England whose stated mission is:

• to encourage children to wonder, explore, invent, imagine, develop skills, and persevere at challenging work,

• to be a varied and vibrant community of teachers and families, where in-depth learning is shaped by the needs, the joys, and the interests of growing children,

• to guide children to value the differences and similarities that define them as individuals, and to be respectful, contributing members of the larger world.

All of the boys were four years old at the start of my study and lived in middle-class, suburban communities. Their parents were construction site managers, engineers, homemakers, music teachers, schoolteachers, therapists, and university professors.

A hierarchy among the boys was apparent as early as the third week of the new school year. This hierarchy seemed to reflect each boy’s relative popularity and power, or ability to influence his peers, and could be regarded as a precursor to the competitive framework that often characterizes the social and cultural contexts of older boys and adult men.

At the top of the hierarchy was Mike, a Caucasian boy with short dark brown hair who lived with his mother and older sister (by two years). Mike’s parents had recently separated but he still saw his father regularly. Mike was the oldest, tallest, and most domineering of the boys in this class. When interacting with his peers, Mike typically adopted a tough guy persona and projected an image of strength and superiority that allowed him to appear both intimidating and impressive. In seeking his peers’ respect and admiration (and because he felt vulnerable to their rejection), Mike tended to be assertive, controlling, and at times forceful. In his interactions with adults, Mike was more tentative and took care to adjust his behaviors to avoid drawing negative attention to himself.

Next in the boys’ hierarchy was Min-Haeng, a Korean American boy with very short black hair who lived with his mother, father, and extended family members, including two sets of grandparents, an aunt, and five older cousins (three girls and two boys) who would sometimes tease him about being the baby of the family. Despite being the shortest boy in class, Min-Haeng exuded an air of confidence and poise in his interactions with adults and peers. Even when playing (e.g., drawing, building with blocks), Min-Haeng usually was very focused, had a specific vision for how he wanted things to be, and worked meticulously towards his goal. If anyone questioned or deviated too much from his plans, Min-Haeng did not hesitate to assert himself and defend his preferences. Although Min-Haeng got along well with the other boys, he was also content to play on his own and would occasionally (and amicably) disengage from the group in order to pursue his own interests.

In the middle of the boys’ hierarchy were Rob and Jake, who tended to be less likely (as compared with Mike and Min-Haeng) to expect and urge others to comply with their wishes.

Rob is Caucasian, had platinum blond hair that hit just below his ears, and lived with his mom, dad, an older brother (by two years), and a younger brother (by four years). In his interactions with adults as well as peers, Rob tended to have a quiet and unassuming manner. As one of his teachers put it, “Rob just melts with you,” which I think perfectly describes the way in which Rob’s presence tended to feel unforced and unrushed. Although Rob could express his thoughts and feelings openly with his peers, he usually chose to listen. Preferring to avoid conflict, Rob tried to be considerate and cooperative and rarely insisted on getting his way.

Jake is Caucasian, had short sandy blond hair, and lived with his mother, father, and older brother (by four years). Jake had a ready smile and an easy-going attitude and seemed comfortable and confident in his interactions with both adults and peers. Jake seemed to delight in his friendships and showed his support for his peers by taking an interest in what they were doing, responding sincerely to their concerns, and making an effort to include everybody. Jake also tended to be generous with his peers, even though the other boys didn’t always reciprocate and sometimes took Jake’s support for granted. Although I found Jake’s exuberance and enthusiasm (e.g., for things, people, and the things he did with people) to be very appealing, these qualities could sometimes get him into trouble with his teachers at school.

Finally, Dan and Tony were at the lower end of the boys’ hierarchy. In contrast to Mike and Min-Haeng (higher status), who knew what they wanted and actively pursued their goals, Dan and Tony tended to be less focused and less ambitious. Like Rob and Jake (middle status), Dan and Tony seemed more interested in being a part of the group (or a part of a group), and being involved with their peers. However, whereas Rob and Jake knew what they wanted but were willing to compromise in order to preserve peace and order within their relationships, Dan and Tony seemed less clear (or less specific) about what they wanted and may have therefore found it easier, or less of a compromise, to go along with other people’s plans or views. Dan and Tony also seemed less concerned about displaying gender-appropriate behavior and deviating from gendered norms and could be found, for example, playing with the girls or with “girls’ toys.”

Dan is Caucasian, had curly strawberry blond hair, and lived with his mother and older brother (by four years). Dan’s parents were separated, and he saw his father only occasionally. Dan had a bubbly personality and a fondness for fantasy play. For Dan, having lower status within the boys’ hierarchy resulted in part from choices that he made. For example, in his quest for fun and excitement, Dan was undiscriminating in choosing his play companions. Whereas the other boys tended to play mainly with the boys, Dan seemed as happy and comfortable playing with the girls and engaging in the girls’ activities as he was playing with the boys and engaging in the boys’ activities. If his affiliation with the girls made him different from or undermined his status among the boys, Dan either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Rather, Dan delighted in every opportunity to play and seemed unabashed about his choices, even when they set him apart from the other boys.

At the bottom of the boys’ hierarchy was Tony, an African American boy with very short, curly black hair, and big brown eyes, who lived with his mom, stepdad, and three stepsisters (twins who were four years older and one who was the same age and in this class). At the time of my study, Tony’s mom was recently remarried, pregnant, and a teacher at this school, so Tony was learning to share his mom not only with his new family but also with his mom’s students. With peers and adults at school, Tony often seemed uncertain about how to engage with others and would fluctuate between being bashful and being impetuous. With his mom’s classroom being just across the hall, Tony could (and did) seek her assistance and visit her throughout the day. As a result of his insecurities and frequent departures from class, Tony often struggled, even though he seemed eager, to be included by the boys.

The Girls

Whereas the boys’ hierarchy was obvious, a social hierarchy based on popularity and power did not appear to exist among the girls at this age. Unlike the boys, the girls did not seem to identify strongly as a group (e.g., as being one of the girls). Rather, the girls began to distinguish and separate themselves from the boys only after the boys collectively defined themselves in opposition to the girls. Perhaps as a result, the girls seemed more able to act and view themselves as individuals, for example by making their own decisions and doing as they pleased.

There was Gabriella, an African American girl with curly black hair that she wore in braided ponytails. She is Tony’s stepsister and was living with her father, stepmother (Tony’s mom), twin older sisters (by four years), and Tony (who is the same age). Playful and outgoing, Gabriella engaged comfortably with adults as well as peers, and boys as well as girls. Gabriella especially enjoyed assisting the teachers with their tasks (e.g., setting up activities, preparing snacks) and delighted in being praised for her helpfulness.

There was Tatiana, a Caucasian girl with long sandy blond hair, who lived with her mother and grandfather. Despite being the youngest of the girls, Tatiana was exceptionally perceptive, sensible, and self-assured. She had a warm and friendly manner and a very agreeable attitude, which enabled her to engage amiably and effortlessly with both adults and peers. Tatiana was also able to keep herself happily entertained and could enjoy playing alone as well as playing with others.

There was Nicole, a Caucasian girl with short brown hair who lived with her mother, father, and older brothers. Nicole played mostly with other girls (usually in pairs) and tended to go along with whatever her playmate(s) wanted to do. When conflicts arose among the girls, Nicole tended to look to adults to intervene and mediate.

Finally, there was Miranda, a Caucasian girl who had shoulder-length brown hair, wore glasses, and lived with her mother and father. Miranda was a straightforward, no-nonsense tomboy who did not hesitate to say what she thought. For instance, one time when Tony grabbed Gabriella roughly and put her in a headlock, Miranda immediately came to Gabriella’s defense, telling Tony firmly, “Don’t,” and making sure that Tony complied with her command. Miranda was similarly confident in her interactions with adults and seemed to expect that people would be interested in what she had to say.

The Teachers, Classroom, and School

The teachers in this pre-Kindergarten class were Lucia, who was older and more experienced, and Jen, who was younger and relatively new to teaching. The physical space of the classroom was divided into separate areas through the strategic arrangement of several short, wooden bookshelves. Near the front entrance to the room was the work area, which included a long rectangular table, a smaller rectangular table, and two circular tables. At the start of each school day, the teachers would set out a variety of materials for arts and crafts (e.g., clay, paints, construction paper) in the work area for the students to use as they arrived at class. Adjacent to the work area was the house area, which contained clothes for dressing up and toys resembling various foods and house wares. Adjacent to the house area was the block corner, which contained wooden blocks of various sizes, jigsaw puzzles, and plastic bins containing Duplo blocks. Next to the block corner was the reading corner, which had a futon, several cushions for sitting, and several books on display. The remaining space (between the reading corner and the work area) was the meeting area, where the kids gathered during circle time for lessons, story time, and group activities.

The entrance to the pre-Kindergarten classroom was located at one end of a long, carpeted hallway lined with students’ lockers and doors to other classrooms, a library, and the director’s office. At the opposite end of the hallway was an exit to the playground—a vast space that included two sand boxes, a jungle gym, a swing set, a tire swing, and a large field of grass framed by trees, bushes, and wire fencing that separated the school grounds from the surrounding residential neighborhood. The closer end of the hallway opened onto an auditorium/gymnasium, which served as a passageway to administrative offices and the main entrance to the school. The school was housed in a two-story, red brick building with a large parking lot that separated it from the traffic of a suburban street.

An Exploratory Study

During the first weeks of the study, Carol and I met with the teachers and did some observations together. Then I continued to observe (and eventually interviewed) the boys over a two-year period—following them from pre-Kindergarten through Kindergarten and into first grade—with Carol supervising my research.

My observations of the boys in their school setting took place during weekly visits and lasted about two hours, usually in the morning. On a typical day, I observed structured activities such as lessons, clean up, and story time, and unstructured activities including the boys’ arrivals in the morning with their parents, free play, and snack time. I also observed the boys outside of class during recess and on local field trips (e.g., to a nearby park). For the most part, I was able to distinguish myself from the boys’ teachers and parents by observing but not monitoring or correcting the kids’ behaviors, unless they were in danger of hurting themselves or others. For example, when I happened upon activities that I knew were forbidden by other adults, I tried not to seem judgmental and made a point of showing the boys that I would not tell on them. I also refrained from intervening in their conflicts and instead allowed the boys to work things out on their own. Most importantly, these observations provided time and space for the boys and me to build rapport and become comfortable with each other, which proved to be crucial when I began to interview them in the spring.

My interviews with the boys were informal meetings during which I observed and interacted with them and asked them questions. I met with the boys individually and in groups, depending on their stated preference, to inquire about the meanings of their activities, the motives for their behaviors, and their views on and opinions about their social interactions and relationships at school. I very quickly realized that a structured question-and-answer format aimed at eliciting personal narratives was not going to work with boys this age. Instead, I started bringing Playmobil toys, which were very popular among these boys at the time, to our meetings and asked questions intermittently while the boys played. Whenever I brought out the toys during our meetings, the boys would immediately begin to talk excitedly with each other about which characters they wanted to be and what storylines they wanted their characters to enact. The toys also helped to facilitate the boys’ interactions with me by giving us something to talk about that the boys were interested in discussing. Over time, as the boys understood that the purpose of our meetings was simply to play and talk, they became more at ease during the meetings and even made requests to meet with me.

Getting Acquainted

My first few visits to this class were focused on getting to know these kids and allowing them to get to know me. As I was a stranger to them, I knew it might take some time before they came to trust me. As I did not want any of the kids to feel singled out or cornered, I did not attempt to engage them at this point. Instead, I began by simply observing them from a distance and waiting for them to engage me when they felt ready.¹

During my first visit to this class, I arrive with Carol before the start of the school day to meet the two pre-Kindergarten teachers, Lucia and Jen. We introduce ourselves, briefly describe our intentions, and invite Lucia and Jen to share with us—at any time during the study—their insights regarding boys’ experiences at this age. When the children begin to arrive, Lucia and Jen get up to prepare for the day while Carol and I remain seated at the round table in the work area. Most of the boys (and girls) instantly become shy when they first notice Carol and me in their classroom, which is understandable given that they have never seen us before and no one really introduces us or explains why we are there.

Tony and his stepsister Gabriella are the first to arrive. They are chatting animatedly with each other as they enter the room and fall silent when they see Carol and me. Gabriella quickly scans the room and when she spots Jen, walks over to greet her. Left on his own, Tony avoids our gaze and heads directly to the block corner at the opposite end of the room, where he peeks at us cautiously while hiding just out of our view.

As Rob enters the classroom, he also notices our unfamiliar faces and immediately hides behind his dad, burying his face against his dad’s thigh and wedging his body between his dad’s legs. When Rob’s dad slowly cranes his neck and turns around to look at Rob, Rob adjusts himself to ensure that his dad’s body continues to block our view of him and his view of us. I look away for the moment to give him some space. Eventually, Rob emerges from hiding behind his dad, and they head over to the meeting area, take out the classroom set of Playmobil toys, and sort through the pieces together. While Rob’s dad sits on the floor with his legs folded like a pretzel, Rob climbs into his dad’s lap and snuggles up close so that he seems completely immersed within his dad’s encompassing embrace. As Rob’s dad talks to him softly, Rob leans back, rests the back of his head against his dad’s chest, reaches up with one hand and gently touches his dad’s face with his fingertips, then rests his hand at the nape of his dad’s neck. In response to Rob’s touch, Rob’s dad leans forward and lowers his head slightly. They continue to engage each other quietly and tenderly for the duration of their interaction. When Jen eventually comes and joins them, Rob’s dad gently says goodbye to Rob, who simply watches (and does not struggle or protest) as his dad leaves.

Jake is the next boy to arrive, and when he first notices Carol and me, he pauses momentarily and moves slightly closer to his dad. However, Jake soon forgets about us when he and his dad decide to head to the block corner. When Jen and Rob join them, Jake’s dad gets down on his hands and knees and crawls over to talk to Jen. Seizing this opportunity, Jake climbs excitedly onto his dad’s back, loops his arms around his dad’s neck, rests his cheek between his dad’s shoulder blades, and calls out happily to the other kids, “Look at me!” Moments later, as Jake is sitting next to his dad on the floor, Jake delivers several kisses and hugs, to which his dad responds lovingly and joyfully. When it comes time for his dad to leave, Jake gives his dad a final kiss and hug and says good-bye without any complications.

A couple of the boys did not seem to notice Carol and me, or, if they did, they didn’t dwell on it. Upon arriving at class, Min-Haeng immediat...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Contents
• Foreword
• Introduction
• 1. Entering Boys’ World
• 2. Boys’ Relational Capabilities
• 3. Socialization and Its Discontents
• 4. Boys versus the Mean Team
• 5. Boys’ Awareness, Agency, and Adaptation
• 6. Parents’ Perspectives on Boys’ Predicament
• Conclusion
• Acknowledgments
• Notes
• Index
• About the Author