THE 9 CORE
RULES FOR GETTING THROUGH TO ANYONE
These days weāre experts at āsyncingāāgetting different pieces of technology, to talk to each other. Few of us, however, are experts when it comes to syncing with other people. Master the nine basic rules in this section, and youāll know the secrets of connecting with anyoneāat work, at home, and at every stage of your life. Once you learn these rules, youāll be ready for Section III, where Iāll teach you 12 quick ways to reach people at any point in the Persuasion Cycle. You can skip straight to those ready-to-use techniques, but I recommend that you read this section first. Thatās because the power of those techniques doesnāt lie just in the words you sayāit lies in knowing why, when, and how to use them. And, as youāll see, it also lies in knowing how to lay the groundwork for your success.
3
MOVE YOURSELF FROM āOH F#@& TO OKā
The key to winning is poise under stress.
āPAUL BROWN, THE LATE COACH OF THE CLEVELAND BROWNS AND CINCINNATI BENGALS
āMark, Iām giddy with excitement,ā Jim Mazzo, CEO and chairman of Advanced Medical Optics, told me over the phone.
Jim is one of the most ethical and effective leaders I know. But even from such a remarkable man, his comment was astonishing ābecause on that day in 2007, Jimās company was in the midst of what most people would call a crisis.
Without waiting to ask his board for permission, Jim had just ordered a voluntary recall of an eye solution as soon as he learned that it could contribute to serious corneal infections. Iād called Jim to tell him how much I admired his action, which reminded me of James Burkeās quick pulling of Tylenol when several bottles were found to be contaminated with cyanide.
Jim replied, āWe are a great company, with total transparency, a set of values, and a code of conduct that we all respect and follow. I am thrilled because I know that this is one of those rare opportunities that will make both our company and me even better and I am excited to find out just how it will do both.ā
And then he said something that impressed me even more: āWhen bad things happen, if you resist the temptation to do anything that will make matters worse, you will discover valuable things about your company and yourself that you would never have learned had you not taken the hit.ā
Thatās sheer courageāand it paid off for AMO, which weathered the storm well and, in the process, enhanced its already sterling reputation as an ethical company deserving of the full trust of investors and consumers.
Whatās the difference between Jim and the business leaders who panic, lie, frantically attempt to cover up problems, or simply melt down when problems occur? He has the ability to rise above a crisis and do the right thing. Thatās because heās smart and ethicalāand itās also because when trouble arises, he can quickly bring his initial fear response (a universal human reaction to crisis) under control. No doubt Jim starts out just as scared as anybody else when a crisis strikes, but he doesnāt stay that way. Instead, his deeply held core values prevent his emotions from boiling over and causing him to do something hasty. As a result, while other people are tempted to hide or blame or lose control, he can think fast and communicate effectively.
GET THROUGH TO YOURSELF FIRST Getting your emotions under control isnāt just a key to being a great leader like Jim. Itās also the most important key to reaching other people, especially in times of stress or uncertainty. Itās why a cool and controlled hostage negotiator can get through to someone who seems unreachableāand, conversely, why a person whoās crying, whining, or yelling will turn off even a calm and empathetic listener.
In the chapters that follow, youāll learn lots of powerful techniques for changing another person. But one of the most powerful things youāll learn is how to be in control of your own thoughts and emotionsābecause most of the time, thatās where successful communicating starts. Mastering the art of controlling yourself will change your life, because itāll keep you from being your own worst enemy when it comes to reaching other people in stressful situations.
Of course, not all personal encounters are stressful. But many areāand these are the ones that can make or break a career or relationship. Whatās more, stressful encounters are the ones that youāre usually least ready to handle. Making a cold call, handling an angry client, going on a tough job interview, facing a furious lover, dealing with an insolent teen: all of these can affect your emotions to the point that you canāt think clearly. And when that happens, you lose.
So the first and most important rule for taking control in a stressful situation is this: get yourself under control first. (Thatās why flight attendants instruct you to put your own oxygen mask on first before placing one on your child.) The good news is that getting yourself under control is simpler than you think.
In reality, you probably already know how to handle a tense situation intelligently. You know exactly how to go from attack mode to emotional mode to smart mode. Unfortunately, you probably donāt know how to do it fast.
Instead, hereās what usually happens. A few minutes after a stressful encounter, you calm down a little, your pulse slows, and you start breathing more slowly. A few minutes or hours after that, you probably gain enough self-control to start thinking your options through. And given still more time, you start thinking, āHey ā¦ thereās a smart way to handle this.ā
By then, however, itās often too late. Youāve already lost a sale, alienated a boss or coworker, or convinced a lover that youāre bad news. Or youāve missed the moment to make a perfect comment or a great first impression.
So whatās the solution? In a stressful encounter, to keep from blowing a chance to reach another person, you need to get your thoughts and emotions under control in minutesānot hours. In short, you need to move almost instantly from your reptile to your mammal to your human brain. That sounds impossible, but itās not. In fact, with practice, you can do it in about two minutes. And when you do youāll have the advantage over everyone else in the room, because youāll be the only person whoās actually thinking straight.
THE āOH F#@& TO OKā PROCESS To understand how stress interferes with your power to reach people, you need to know the mental steps you go through in a time of stress or crisis. Whatās interesting is that even though every crisis seems different to you, your mind treats them all in pretty much the same way. It doesnāt matter what the crisis isāa fender bender, a lost contract at work, an argument with a lover, or your teenager saying, āmy girlfriendās pregnantāāyou go through these steps in more or less the same order each time youāre upset.
In a small crisis, you may start at a middle stage of this process. In a big one, youāll start at the bottom. I call the process āOh F#@& to OK,ā and hereās how it goes.
THE āOH F#@& TO OKā PROCESS āOh F#@&ā (The Reaction Phase):
This is a disaster, Iām screwed, what the hell just happened, I canāt fix this, itās all over.
āOh Godā (The Release Phase):
Oh my God, this is a huge mess and Iām going to get stuck with cleaning it up. Sh#%āthis stuff always happens to me.
āOh Jeezā (The Recenter Phase):
Alright, I can fix this. But itās not going to be fun.
āOh Wellā (The Refocus Phase):
Iām not going to let this ruin my life/my career/my day/this relationship, and here is what I need to do right now to make it better.
āOKā (The Reengage Phase):
Iām ready to fix this.
Now, hereās the secret: When you become consciously aware of these stages and can mentally identify each one as it happens, you can manipulate your emotional response at each stage. As a result, you can speed shift from start to end in minutes. Some people, like Jim Mazzo, are probably born knowing how to do thisābut if you werenāt, you can learn now.
Clearly, Iām not saying you can solve a crisis in two minutes. You canāt. What Iām saying is that you can think your way through to the possible solution that quickly. When you do that, you take yourself out of panic mode and into āsolutionā mode. As a result, youāll be able to say all the right things and avoid saying the wrong ones.
THE POWER OF ā
OH F#@&ā
One absolutely crucial element in moving your brain from panic to logic is to put words to what youāre feeling at each stage. You can do this silently if youāre in public or out loud if youāre alone, but either way itās a critical part of putting yourself in control fast.
Why? Research by Matthew Lieberman at UCLA shows that when people put words to their emotionsāāafraid,ā āangryāāthe amygdala, that little biological threat sensor that can throw the brain into animal mode, cools ...