Five Plays

Michael Weller

• Publisher: Theatre Communications Group
• Year: 1997
• Print ISBN: 9781559361439
• eBook ISBN: 9781559366441
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: American Drama
• Index: Literature

“It’s hard to think of a writer who knows his generation better than Michael Weller.” —Frank Rich, New York Times Michael Weller’s early work chronicled American culture as it was taken apart and reformed in the turbulent ’60s. This volume collects his best-known plays of the ’70s and ’80s, including the now-classic Moonchildren, Fishing, At Home, Abroad and Loose Ends. Also includes a new introduction by the author.

At Home

Split, Part 1

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At Home was first performed at Second Stage Theatre, New York (Robyn Goodman, Carole Rothman, Artistic Directors) on April 4, 1980, as the first half of a double bill. The title of the evening was Split. Carole Rothman directed the following cast:

PAUL	John Heard
CAROL	Brooke Adams

Characters

PAUL CAROL

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Table set nicely for four, dinner. Tasteful but not-quite-matched dinnerware. Of the chairs, three are of a set, the other not. Three elegant wine glasses, one tumbler.

Paul is seated at the table with a glass ful of wine. Two bottles of wine on the table, one opened and partly drunk. Paul stares straight ahead. Pause. He drinks. Enter Carol from the kitchen. She wears an apron. She stands watching Paul for a moment.

PAUL: I’m sorry.

CAROL: It’s not your fault.

PAUL: It’s partly my fault. I’m sorry for the part that’s my fault.

CAROL: Me too. It was just an argument. It didn’t happen, O.K.

PAUL: O.K.

CAROL: Will you make the salad?

PAUL: What are we doing this for? I mean, I don’t want company tonight. Not now. I don’t want to see anyone.

CAROL: Me neither. I didn’t in the first place, but it’s too late, they’re coming, we invited them, whoopee.

PAUL: I could maybe call. Maybe she hasn’t left yet. (Carol exits) Should I call? (Pause. He goes to the phone, dials) I’m calling.

CAROL (Off): What are you going to tell her?

PAUL: I don’t know. I’ll think of something. (He listens into phone) Shit. (Imitating) . . . speakaslongas . . . recordtill-youhangup.

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CAROL (Off): What?

PAUL: Nothing. (Into phone) Hi, Jean? Anyone there? Jean, are you listening? If you’re there please pick up, it’s someone you’re dying to talk to. It’s Paul. Of Paul and Carol. You’re not there are you. No. Well, I was just calling’cause . . . I was . . . well, we’ll see you in a little while. No, that’s not true, is it? No, by the time you listen to this we’ll have already seen you. And we’ll have all had a great time and you’ll be back home listening to this . . . so what? Well, we really enjoyed it. It was great to see you, and your new guy, we really like him. He’s great. You really know how to pick ’em. And if we seemed a little weird tonight, I’m sorry, it’s just . . . or maybe we didn’t seem weird, in which case . . . (Takes phone away from mouth) What am I talking about? (Into phone) ’Bye Jean.

(He hangs up, goes to table, pours more wine. Carol comes into doorway.)

CAROL: Well?

PAUL: She’s on her way. She’s not there.

CAROL: Who were you talking to?

PAUL: Her machine.

CAROL: Oh. How is it?

PAUL: Fine. Her machine is fine.

CAROL: Are you going to give me a hand?

PAUL: What happened to the other wine glass?

CAROL: It broke.

PAUL: It broke? It just sat there and broke?

CAROL: I broke it.

PAUL: When?

CAROL: A few weeks ago. You put it at the edge of the shelf. I opened the door and it fell out.

PAUL: I did not put the wine glasses near the edge of the shelf. I never put the wine glasses near the edge of the shelf. I always put them in back.

CAROL: Some people broke in. Four men. They moved the wine glasses to the edge of the shelf, closed the cabinet door and got away undetected. I didn’t call the police because I didn’t want to upset you, I know how important those wine glasses are to you . . .

PAUL: They’re a wedding present, Carol. It’s not funny.

CAROL: All right, it was only two men . . .

PAUL: Why does everything get broken around here? Why don’t we have a single complete set of anything anymore.

CAROL: We’ll get married again and cash in. We’ll get divorced and then get married again.

PAUL: You say the most incredibly stupid things sometimes. C

AROL: So do you. This is still the argument, isn’t it? We’re still arguing.

PAUL: No. I mean, I don’t know.

CAROL: Come on, give me a hand with the salad and show me what I’m supposed to do with the potato-thing you started.

PAUL: I thought I fuck everything up in the kitchen.

CAROL: Sweetie, I was angry. You’re not supposed to listen to what I say when I’m angry. You’re just supposed to listen to the noise. It’s just noise, it’s not words. It didn’t happen. I didn’t say anything. I take it all back.

PAUL: But why did you get angry, that’s what I don’t understand. What did I say? What did I do?

CAROL: Nothing. There was no reason. I just got angry, that’s all.

PAUL: I thought you liked her. I thought you two were friends.

CAROL: Who? Jean? I do. I like her. I think she’s super-duper.

PAUL: She’s a friend.

CAROL: That’s right, she’s a friend. That’s why I think she’s super-duper. That’s why I’m dying to meet her new boop-sie, that’s why I’m dying to know all about him, and it’s going to be a great evening and then they’re going to go home and leave us alone and we can talk about them behind their backs. Now please, sweetie, give me a hand. PAUL: You’re jealous of her, aren’t you?

CAROL: Oh, you know us married women, we’re always jealous of the single gals.

PAUL: That’s right, make a joke out of it.

CAROL: All right, yes, I’m jealous of Jean. No, I’m not jealous of Jean per se. I’m just . . . I’m pissed off, that’s all . . . I’m tired of her . . .

PAUL: Of what?

CAROL: Of her goddamn fucking insinuations. I’m tired of her hovering around all the time . . . I’m tired of . . . I don’t like the way she keeps making such an effort to be my friend when she doesn’t like me all that much really and I barely like her at all and she knows it and I . . . why does she keep wanting me to go shopping with her and take yoga classes and have lunch?

PAUL: But she does like you.

CAROL: She likes you, Paul. She’s your friend. She keeps wanting to hang around with me so we can all be friends so she can be your friend and it won’t look so obvious what’s going on.

PAUL: That’s bullshit.

CAROL: You know what she talks about when we’re together? You. What a great guy you are. How lucky I am. How she wishes she had someone like you. How much fun she has with us, meaning you, what a perfect couple we are. I mean, I get the point.

PAUL: Well, if you feel that way why do you keep hanging around with her?

CAROL: Because I’m not going to give her the satisfaction of not hanging around with her.

PAUL: You’re being absurd, you know that? Jean is a friend. She happens to be a woman. What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with the fact that I have a best friend that’s a woman? I’m a freak, all right, I’m not normal, I don’t like baseball, I don’t like poker, I don’t like talking about women I’d like to sleep with . . . I don’t like beer. I like women, I like to be with them, I prefer it. It’s not sexual. I just enjoy spending time with Jean.

CAROL: Well, that’s terrific.

PAUL: You have men friends. It’s not sexual.

CAROL: Who?

PAUL: Who? Well, Larry, for one.

CAROL: Larry’s gay.

PAUL: Gay? He’s living with Vickie.

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CAROL: He needs time. He’s a slow developer.

PAUL: I don’t believe this conversation. This isn’t us. I don’t recognize us in this conversation.

CAROL: Paul. I’m sorry about . . . before. I was just in a good mood. I don’t know why you took it the way you did. I mean, don’t you think it’s a little much for you to get so worked up over a carrot? It’s not the end of the world, you know. We do have other carrots. Can I have some wine? (Paul pours her a glass. She drinks. After a moment)

PAUL: It wasn’t the carrot.

CAROL: Then what was it?

PAUL: It was your poking the carrot with a pencil.

CAROL: This is a really grown-up conversation. I feel really adult.

PAUL: You asked.

CAROL: Paul, could we please have a talk-talk. This is stupid. This isn’t getting us anywhere.

PAUL: We have to do the meal.

CAROL: I don’t care about the meal right now. If we don’t figure out what this was all about before they get here, I swear when she walks through that door with her Elrod or Ogden or Travis or whatever his name is I’m going to shove the roast down her blouse. I can’t stand this, Paul, I can’t stand it.

PAUL: All right, we’ll talk-talk.

CAROL: Good.

PAUL: You first.

CAROL: Can I have a little more wine? (He pours for both of them. She giggles)

PAUL: What?

CAROL: You’re just so cute. (They drink)

PAUL: Well? It’s your turn.

CAROL: All right. Talk-talk. I want to tell you what I think happened. This is how I see it. You were making the salad. You were cutting the carrots. I was putting the roast in the oven. You were talking about Jean. Do you agree so far?

PAUL: Yes.

CAROL: O.K. Now . . . you were saying how much fun Jean is. How she really listens to what ...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Foreword
• Introduction
• MOONCHILDREN
• FISHING
• At Home - Split, Part 1
• ABROAD - Split, Part 2
• LOOSE ENDS
• Copyright Page