Scene 1
Tad and Billy are both filling their gas tanks.
BILLY: Hey. (Pause) Hey.
TAD (A silent?): Huh?
BILLY: Howāre you doinā? . . . Iām the guy you were tailgating. (Pause) Whyād you do that?
TAD: You were going really slow, / look, Iā
BILLY: I was driving the speed limit.
TAD: Billy?
BILLY: Tad!? How long?! Remember? I didnāt know you were alive, remember all you did for me, how we talked about Being and Nowhere and the universe and what God might be and how you helped me make it through those years of grade school when I was such a geek getting straight Aās and everybody called me a faggot when I wasnāt and you said whatās wrong with playing with each other until we can get girls and so we did until you started crying that one time and you said you were turning us both gay you couldnāt do that to someone so nice, and then your dad got transferred and we said weād be best friends for life but we werenāt, we both kept moving apart and I just assumed somehow youād gone with guys and I went with women but still there was something so romantic about what happened and Iāve never told anybody especially with the shit my dadās put me through he went kind of off the deep end or maybe he was always there but anyway wowā
TAD: You still call me Tad!
BILLY: What do they call you now? Theodore?
TAD: Fuck you! Man, I wouldāve recognized you anywhere, what the fuckās that guyās problem, I thought, better not look him in the eye, thatās the only reason it took me so long! You probably think I just like guys from all that shit back then but I donāt Iāve been married oh itās a long story youāre not gonna want to hear, thatās why Iāve moved back.
BILLY: Where are you living now?
TAD: Iāve moved back, can you believe it?
BILLY: Your parents? / Youā?
TAD: No, Iāve been married, I got married in high school!
BILLY: Youāre straight?
TAD: Long story.
BILLY: I feel like Iām gonna cry.
TAD: Long fuckinā sob story.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā (A honk.)
BILLY (To unseen driver): What? Weāre utilizing the fuckinā services!
TAD: Dude, pull around!
BILLY: Come on, letās both check our oil and drive the fucker crazy.
TAD: No, heās gonna drive around.
BILLY: You look so the fuck the same, what sob story?
TAD: Oh, man.
BILLY: No, come on, Iāll buy you a drink.
Scene 2
Tad and Billy are in a bar.
TAD: She was pregnant, you know, I was sure the baby was mine though now, I donāt know, we decided to go for it, got married, then she started getting cold feet, you know, adoption, abortion, you sure you want to hear this? So she aborts the baby, I start getting all wigged-out about not maybe going to college, how are we gonna do this, I go on one of those antidepressants, canāt practically get it up, she suddenly one day says she has a crush on this other guy, can we try polyamory, you know what that is?
BILLY: Threesomes.
TAD: Bingo, well, she wanted this guy to herself, me to herself, so she goes, starts going back and forth, I get more depressed, more pills, now I canāt come even if I could get it up, she leaves me for him, I decide to try a different approach, you know, so I decide to go to one of those retreats, like health yoga in the mountains kind of place where they teach you to let go let, god, Iām drinking like a fish, too, which youāre not supposed to do when youāre on the other pills, so I give up the pills, but I do it too quick, start hearing voices in my head, back on the pills, go to the retreat, it turns out tantric does not mean learning to medicate, meditate, Jesus, on the breath, it means learn to take the energy you use ejaculating to lighten and I mean would have used, ācause you stop doing that, you can learn how to not shoot, right?, so thatās what I do, I can be really enlightened and energized and concentrated on another person now without, I mean, I can come, I can come like crazy, I can have multiple orgasms, and this drives women wild, but it also makes them kind of nervous about settling down, so Iāve got this little bevy of beauties, my wife then sues me for mental and emotional cruelty, wins, she wants half the house, my dad bought us the house, she never worked a day in her life, so I sold the house and ran, here I am. Whatās going on with you?
BILLY: Iām going . . . tomorrow Iām leaving for Iraq.
TAD: Iraq?
BILLY: Iām stationed in Baghdad.
TAD: What the fuck are you doing in the military? I thought youād have a Ph.D. in particle fuckinā physics.
BILLY: Yeah, no, I mean, I decided, you know, I joined the reserves thatās all. Iām not gay!
TAD: The reserves.
BILLY: Yeah, I donāt know. I didnāt want to take any more dough from my father, though . . . well, Iām still living at home, but Iām paying rent with the cash from the, anyway, they called us all up, Iām infantry. He started calling me āMissy...