PART ONE
Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.
āFyodor Dostoevsky
1
Prudence
When I was born, the doctor said, āIām sorry.ā
I had a full shock of dark hair and long legs like the rest of the women on Freddieās side of the family, but no one noticed these things. No one saw anything but the wings, which were heart-shaped, crinkled like a paper fan. They were smaller than Freddieās palm, slick with primordial ooze, compressed accordion-style against my back. The doctor whispered, āSome kind of birth defect.ā Defect. āHow some kids are born with tails and others with cleft palates.ā He mopped his brow. āBut Iāve never seen anything like this.ā
My birth was not particularly pleasant. As a matter of fact, I think that as a fetus and then a baby and then a human being, I came between my parents. Before I emerged, Freddie and Veronica were in love, and they mightāve remained that way if it werenāt for me. But itās not my fault that they had unprotected sex. Itās not my fault or my doing that they mixed this mad concoction that produced a Prudence Eleanor Vilkas. My father chose the first two names. Vilkas is my surname, my Lithuanian birthright, the name I share with the Old Man. This story is as much about him as it is about me. We are mixed up, tied together by twine and twig, the stuff of nests.
Freddie said, āLittle bird. Our Prudence is a little bird.ā If Iād been a boy, I was to be Paul or John. He wasnāt sure. He hadnāt wanted to choose between them: Paul McCartney and John Lennon. Heād wanted a girl, and here I was. He was smitten even while I was slimy with bird wings and birthing. He loved me. Like a male bird, he had a maternal reaction. He loved me more than heād ever loved anyone. I was from his loins, from his high-functioning sperm. He was in awe of what he had wrought. Iād been caged inside my motherās womb and now I was let loose upon the world. Upon him.
On the day I was born, I usurped my motherās importance. These things happen. Freddie wasnāt letting me out of his sight. He insisted on helping the nurse clean me up. āJust look at that,ā he said. āSheās amazing.ā
āThis is highly unorthodox,ā the nurse informed him.
āLeave him alone,ā the doctor scowled. āThe poor bastard has a bird for a daughter.ā
My fatherās Caribbean-blue eyes were probably my first clear image outside the womb. Freddie was a looker, which is one of the reasons he and Veronica got together. Heās the kind of man that women know they should stay clear of, but they never do. He isnāt a bad guy, just his own man with his own dreams, so monumental that they supersede the rest of the world, including any woman. Not me. I wasnāt a woman. I was part of the dream, part of him, a contributor to his lifeās accomplishments.
As the nurse tried to discern my Apgar score, Freddie cooed. The nursing staff wouldāve never allowed him to participate in this initial examination, no matter what the doctor said, but they were alarmed, taken aback by my wings. Do the wings, they mustāve wondered, give her a zero score for appearance? Do they affect her respiration? Theyāre seemingly close to the lungs. There should be a battery of tests. Someone should telephone Ripleyās Believe It or Not!
I was swaddled and my Apgar score recorded at one minute and again at five minutes, both times as six out of ten, due to my appearance and a general concern for my future ability to breathe. Freddie followed me to the nursery, where he remained, making faces at the glass. Hours later, he held me in the recovery room. The doctor returned smelling of vodka. Veronica was being administered drugs for the episiotomy and follow-up stitches. She was not going to nurse because āthereās something wrong with it.ā She meant me. She didnāt want to hold me either. I donāt blame her. Not really. Freddie said, āWhatās wrong with you? This is our baby.ā Veronica was twenty years old, with no clue that there are sometimes babies born with wings. Freddie gave me my first bottle of formula. If heād had mammary glands, he wouldāve nursed me. The doctor said, āThere will be no tests.ā Having overheard the nurses, he added, āNo one is calling Ripley.ā He cleared his throat. āItās not a big deal. Weāll incise the bifurcated protrusions when sheās a little older.ā
From then on, they were bifurcated protrusions and not wings, to everyone but Freddie. And me. And later Wheaton and the Old Man.
Freddie didnāt know that our family birthed birds. The Old Man, Freddieās father, my grandfather, had never told him, or if he had told him, my father hadnāt listened.
The doctor told my parents, āIf there are no emergencies in the meantimeāāI guess an emergency wouldāve been if Iād started flying around the houseāāweāll operate when sheās five months old. Iāll take some X-rays.ā
āThe sooner the better,ā Veronica said.
On September 10, 1973, my wings were surgically removed. They werenāt biopsied, stored in formaldehyde, or shipped to a freak show. They were discarded as medical waste.
For the next seven years, I lived wingless in Nashville. I was a good kid, or at least a caring one. I tried to resuscitate road kill. I had a first-aid kit and pretended to be a veterinarian and sometimes Florence Nightingale. I wore a white handkerchief over my dark hair. Taking care of baby birds, feral kittens, and squirrels fallen from their nests, I got cat scratch fever twice and had to take a monthlong course of antibiotics both times. I kept toads, turtles, and Japanese beetles for pets. I liked getting along. I didnāt want to upset anyone, not Freddie or Veronica. I always had this feeling like I was standing on a precipice and if I did something wrong, weād all topple over. Because I was in the middle, I was the glue holding us together. I was grateful for the smallest things, even the starlings who, unable to nest in my hair, defecated there instead. Freddie called me little bird, even though there were no wings, just scars. He played acoustic guitar and sang, āThe sun is up, the sky is blue, itās beautiful and so are you.ā There were instruments strewn and stacked throughout the house. Freddie played whatever was closest.
Those first seven years were good. In fact, compared to the next seven, they were downright stellar. I remember watching Saturday morning cartoons, Freddie still half-asleep, drinking coffee and tickling me. Veronica liked Bugs Bunny. On Saturdays, when we were all home at the same time, we did what Iād later consider normal family activities. We played kickball in the front yard. If it rained or there were too many mosquitoes, we piled on the couch and watched an old movie, whatever was on TV. In the evening, Freddie made homemade pizza or chili. He and Veronica kissed a lot and said how much they loved each other. After Iād gone to bed, Freddie left the house to play music. But before I went to sleep, when they were both in my room, Veronica or Freddie reading to me (they took turns), I pretended Freddie wasnāt leaving to play music. I pretended that every night would be like this, the three of us together. Then, just as Iād doze off, Iād hear the car door squeak open and shut. I was happy. I was just a kid.
I attended kindergarten through half of second grade in Nashville. Freddie played his music, and Veronica worked thirty-eight hours, just shy of the forty-hour week that wouldāve gotten her health insurance, at the Piggly Wiggly. Punching a clock, she rang up pork chops and potato chips. I donāt know if things wouldāve ended like they did if John Lennon hadnāt been shot and killed. It was not only the end of a manās life but the end of my parentsā love song. I wonder how many other relationships came to an end on December 8, 1980.
Already, even though it was four months off, I was looking forward to my birthday. We were going to rent a trampoline. I was inviting six girls to my party. Freddie had Monday Night Football on the TV. Mostly, he just listened to the games and tinkered with his instruments. On this particular night, the sports announcer, Howard Cosell, interrupted the game. He said, āJohn Lennon was shot; John Lennon was pronounced ādead on arrivalā at Roosevelt Hospital.ā
December eighth was the end. Seeing Freddie bereft, on his knees riffling through albums and crying, convinced Veronica that sheād made a mistake. In Freddie, she suddenly saw her own father, a man obsessed with form and scales, a piano teacher puzzled by emotions. Not that Freddie was cold. But he loved music more than he loved her, and she was tired of competing when there was no chance of winning. That night, she packed our possessions more carefully and far more slowly than sheād packed the night she ran off with Freddie. She was still debating what to do, folding T-shirts, flipping through our only photo album, and eavesdropping on Freddie in the living room. I donāt think she wanted to leave. I think she wanted to get his attention, but sometimes when you start something, you end up following through with it no matter your intentions and the repercussions. I think that this is what happened to Veronica, and by extension, to me.
The next morning, the three of us stood in the driveway. Freddie and Veronica smoked cigarettes. āWhat are you doing?ā he asked. His face was red from crying all night, not because of us leaving, but because John Lennon was dead. He said, āDonāt go, Veronica. Come on. What the hell are you doing? Seriously?ā I think that if he had said, āDonāt go,ā and āI love you,ā and left it at that, she mightāve stayed. We mightāve stayed, but he said the wrong thing, and she responded, āI canāt do this anymore.ā She held back tears as I held out hope that we wouldnāt leave. In 1980, she was beautiful in that good simple way: sunny blond with brown eyes, like the state of California.
āTell me what you want,ā Freddie said. āTell me what I can do.ā
She didnāt say anything, but even at seven years old, I knew what she wanted. She wanted The Brady Bunch, Father Knows Best, and Leave It to Beaver. She wanted a husband who worked nine to five, who came home for dinner, who took his wife out to the movies and dancing, who had time to do what other families were supposedly doing: bowling and camping. Those normal family activities. But thinking back, half of my friendsā parents were divorced in 1980. I donāt think anyone had it as good as what Veronica imagined it was supposed to be. After Veronica got in the car and started the engine, I was still standing in the dirt. āYou need to go with your mom,ā Freddie said.
āI donāt want to go.ā
āYou better go.ā Freddie reached into his jeans and pulled out his p...