How To Start A Conversation And Make Friends

Revised And Updated

Don Gabor

• Publisher: Touchstone
• Year: 2011
• ISBN:
  9781451611007
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Communication & Public Speaking

Now revised and updated for the digital era, the classic bestseller How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends has helped hundreds of thousands of people communicate with wit, confidence, and enthusiasm for more than a generation. Small-talk expert Don Gabor has completely revised and updated this definitive guide, showing how to combine essential techniques in the art of conversation with necessary skills for communicating in the twenty-first century. By following the simple and dynamic guidelines in this easy-to-read book, you'll be ready to strike up a great conversation anytime, anywhere—whether you're at a cocktail party or chatting online. Learn how to keep the conversation going by asking the right questions, using body language effectively, and avoiding conversation pitfalls. Combining his tried-and-true methods with a whole new section on communicating online and through social networking, Don Gabor shows you how to: · Identify your personal conversation style
· Engage in online conversations using proper etiquette and security
· Turn online conversations into face-to-face relationships
· Boost your personal and professional speaking skills to the next levelPacked with charts, hundreds of opening lines, real-life examples, FAQs, helpful hints, and solid professional advice, How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends will help you connect with others at home, work, online, in person, and everywhere in between.

Part I
Starting Your Conversations with Confidence

Closed body language sends out the message “Stay away! I’d rather be left alone!”

1
First Contact: Body Language

“It’s a luxury to be understood.”

—Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803–1882), American poet and essayist

One of our most important conversational skills doesn’t come from our tongue, but from our body. Research has shown that over half of face-to-face conversation is nonverbal. “Body language,” as it is called, often communicates our feelings and attitudes before we speak, and it projects our level of receptivity to others.

Most poor conversationalists don’t realize that their nonreceptive body language (crossed arms, little eye contact, and no smiling) is often the cause of short and unsustained conversations. We are judged quickly by the first signals we give off, and if the first impressions are not open and friendly, it’s going to be difficult to maintain a good conversation.

The following “softening” techniques can make your first impressions work for you, not against you.

S-O-F-T-E-N

In his excellent book on shyness, Making Contact, Arthur C. Wassmer coined the term SOFTEN as a way to remember six body language “softeners.” A softener is a nonverbal gesture that will make people more responsive and receptive to you. Since your body language speaks before you do, it is important to project a receptive image. When you use open body language, you are already sending the signal: “I’m friendly and willing to communicate, if you are.” Each letter in S-O-F-T-E-N represents a specific nonverbal technique for encouraging others to talk with you.

“S-O-F-T-E-N” Your Body Language

Use your body language to break down the natural barriers that separate strangers.

S = Smile

A pleasant smile is a strong indication of a friendly and open attitude and a willingness to communicate. It is a receptive, nonverbal signal sent with the hope that the other person will smile back. When you smile, you demonstrate that you have noticed the person in a positive manner. The other person considers it a compliment and will usually feel good. The result? The other person will usually smile back.

Smiling does not mean that you have to put on a phony face or pretend that you are happy all of the time. But when you see someone you know or would like to make contact with, do smile. By smiling, you are demonstrating an open attitude to conversation.

A smile shows you are friendly and open to communication. When you frown or wrinkle your brow, you give off signals of skepticism and nonreceptivity.

The human face sends out an enormous number of verbal and nonverbal signals. If you send out friendly messages, you’re going to get friendly messages back. When you couple a warm smile with a friendly hello, you’ll be pleasantly surprised by similar responses. It’s the easiest and best way to show someone that you’ve noticed him. A smile indicates general approval toward the other person, and this will usually make the other person feel more open to talk to you.

O = Open Arms

The letter O in S-O-F-T-E-N stands for open arms. You’ve probably been welcomed “with open arms,” which, of course, means that a person was glad to see you. At a party or in another social or business situation, open arms suggest that you are friendly and available for contact. During a conversation, open arms make others feel that you are receptive and listening.

Crossed arms say: “I’m thinking and don’t want to be disturbed. Stay away!”

Open arms say: “I’m receptive and available for contact.”

On the other hand, standing or sitting with your arms crossed makes you appear closed to contact, defensive, and closed-minded. Add a hand covering your mouth (and your smile) or your chin and you are practically in the classic “thinking” pose. Now, just ask yourself this question: Are you going to interrupt someone who appears to be deep in thought? Probably not. In addition, crossing your arms tends to make you appear nervous, judgmental, or skeptical—all of which discourage people from approaching you or feeling comfortable while talking to you.

Some people argue that just because they have their arms crossed, it doesn’t mean that they are closed to conversation. They say, “I cross my arms because I’m comfortable that way.” The arm crossers may be comfortable, but the problem is that while no one can read minds, most people can read body language. Crossed arms say: “Stay away” and “My mind is made up.” Open arms say: “I’m available for contact and willing to listen. Come on over and talk to me.”

F = Forward Lean

The letter F in S-O-F-T-E-N means forward lean. Leaning forward slightly while a person is talking to you indicates interest on your part and shows you are listening to what the person is saying. This is usually taken as a compliment by the other person, and will encourage him to continue talking.

Leaning back gives off signals of disinterest and even boredom.

Leaning forward says: “I’m interested in what you’re saying.”

Often people will lean back with their hands over their mouths or chins, or behind their heads in the “relaxing” pose. Unfortunately, this posture gives off signals that the listener is judging you, skeptical, or bored. Since most people do not feel comfortable when they think they are being judged, this leaning-back posture tends to inhibit the speaker from continuing.

When you are in a conversation, it’s far better to lean forward slightly in a casual and natural way. By doing this, you are saying: “I hear what you’re saying, and I’m interested: Keep talking!” This usually helps the other person feel confident and encourages him to continue speaking.

Defining Personal Space

Personal space, or standing distance, is an important part of body language. However, what’s comfortable varies widely depending on a person’s culture, social situation, gender, and preference. Tuning in to, understanding, and respecting the personal space of others help eliminate discomfort that people may feel when they stand too close or too far away from each other as they speak. Personal space boundaries for many North Americans depend on the type of conversation.

• Intimate distance: 0 to 18 inches (0 to 0.4 meter) for conversations between spouses, family, and people who are embracing, touching, or whispering.

• Personal distance: 18 to 36 inches (0.4 to 0.9 meter) for conversations between good friends, family, or informal acquaintances—people who want to get to know one another better and in a more personal way.

• Social distance: 3 to 5 feet (0.9 to 1.5 meters) for more formal conversations between business or formal social acquaintances.

For more specific standing distances in different cultures, see “How Savvy Are You about the Customs of Other Cultures?” in chapter 18.

T = Touch

The letter T in S-O-F-T-E-N stands for touch. In Western culture, the most acceptable form of first contact between two people who are just meeting is a warm handshake. This is usually true when meeting members of the same or opposite sex in business and in social situations too. In nearly every situation, a warm and firm handshake is a safe way of showing an open and friendly attitude toward the people you meet.

Be the first to extend your hand in greeting. Couple this handshake with a friendly “Hi!” and a nice smile and your name, and you have made the first step to open the channels of communication between you and the other person.

Some men don’t feel right in offering their hand to a woman first. They say they would feel stupid if the woman didn’t shake their hand. Emily Post states in the revised edition of her book of etiquette that it is perfectly acceptable for a man to offer a handshake to a woman and that, in most cases, it would be rude for either man or woman to ignore or refuse this friendly gesture.

However, because of cultural and age differences, some women might feel that they are being too forward if they offer a handshake to a man. They think the man might “get the wrong idea” if they extend their hand first in greeting. The problem then is that there are two people who are afraid to shake hands. Although there are some exceptions because of religious customs, most of the people I’ve polled on the subject agree: no matter who makes the first move, nearly everyone likes this form of physical contact. A handshake is safe and nonthreatening for both parties. This keeps personal defenses down and creates an atmosphere of equality and receptivity between the people. More personal forms of touch should be exercised with a sensitivity to the other person’s culture and in a warm, nonaggressive manner.

It is also important to end your conversations with a warm and friendly handshake in business and social situations. Combine it with a bright smile and a friendly statement like “I’ve really enjoyed talking with you!” or “Let’s get together again soon.” This is an excellent way to end a conversation and leaves you and the other person both feeling good about the exchange.

A friendly handshake with a smile and a warm “Hello… . Nice to meet you!” is an easy, acceptable form of touch when meeting someone for the first time.

E = Eye Contact

The letter E in S-O-F-T-E-N represents eye contact. Perhaps the strongest nonverbal gestures are made with the eyes. Direct eye contact indicates that you are listening to the other person and that you want to know more about him or her. With eye contact and a friendly smile, you’ll send this unmistakable message: “I’d like to talk to you and maybe get to know you better.”

Eye contact should be natural and not forced or overdone. It is perfectly okay to have brief periods of eye contact while you observe other parts of the person’s face, particularly the mouth. When the person smiles, be sure to smile back. But always make an effort to return your gaze to the person’s eyes as she speaks. It is common to look up, down, and all around when speaking to others, and it’s acceptable not to have eye contact every second.

Too much eye contact can be counterproductive. If you stare at a person, she may feel uncomfortable and even suspicious about your intentions. A fixed stare can be interpreted as aggressive behavior if it takes the form of a challenge as to who will look away first. It is not wise to employ eye contact as a “power struggle,” because it will usually result in a negative, defensive response from the other person.

Also, be aware that eye contact varies widely from culture to culture. For example, North Americans and Europeans typically have medium to strong eye contact. However, in Mexico, you will be viewed with suspicion if you have eye contact for too long. In many Asian cultures, averting the eyes is a mark of respect. Some Middle Eastern and Asian cultures and religions have strict rules against women making any direct eye contact with men. (For more about the cultural differences regarding eye contact, see “How Savvy Are You About the Customs of Other Cultures?” in chapter 18.)

FAQ

I feel uncomfortable making direct eye co...