Letitia Baldrige's New Manners for New Times

A Complete Guide to Etiquette

Letitia Baldrige, Denise Cavalieri Fike

• Publisher: Scribner
• Year: 2009
• eBook ISBN: 9781439188545

THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO MANNERS, REVISED AND UPDATED TO ACCOMODATE TODAY'S HIGH-SPEED LIFESTYLES, SHIFTING VALUES, AND EVER-EVOLVING DEFINITION OF FAMILY.

Letitia Baldrige is universally recognized as the country's leading authority on executive, domestic, and social manners. She began writing on manners and protocol during her diplomatic service in 1949, and she has been hailed on the cover of Time magazine as "America's leading arbiter of manners." Originally published in 1989, her Complete Guide to New Manners has now been thoroughly revised and updated to incorporate the changing social conventions and enormous technological advances of the past fifteen years.

Baldrige was the first etiquette writer to advise extensively on the subject of manners in the workplace. With her legendary background in both the government and business worlds, she remains the prime authority on the integration of goals that often seem at odds with one another -- namely, family, work, and pleasure. Baldrige provides fresh guidelines on etiquette at work and in every form of communication, from letters to emails to cell phone calls.

She also updates the way we approach the traditional rites of passage -- weddings, funerals, religious ceremonies, gatherings large and small. Here are authoritative answers to the etiquette questions and issues involved in nontraditional family relationships -- stepfamilies, adult children returning home, elderly parents moving in, gays and lesbians in the family, dating for the newly single, and the myriad complications that spring from divorce.

Through it all, Baldrige does not forget the essence of manners: they are an expression of love and care, and they are under our control. New Manners for New Times is a comprehensive encyclopedia that will lead readers confidently and correctly through the maze of lifestyles, customs, business, and ways of relating to others in this new, complex millennium. But it is, above all, a very personal statement.

PART 1
EVERYDAY RELATIONSHIPS FOR OUR TIMES

CHAPTER 1
Family Manners

THE FAMILY, IDEALISTICALLY SPEAKING

I feel that one of a writer’s tasks is to remind the reader of the importance of his own role in the family, the community, even the world. Understanding our own importance in affecting the lives of those close to us should make us accept the responsibilities attached. We should be able to recognize the details of the whole picture—the ones that make others look upon us with admiration or with no respect whatsoever. Of course, being part of that picture requires us to be born into a family in the first place, and hopefully, grow up in one feeling loved, learning how to behave, and eventually discovering an important truth—that knowing what the rules are, and then following them, is the easiest way to make our way through this life. We adults are responsible for making that miraculous thing called a conscience grow within the children of our family. It’s up to us to make sure that, along with maintaining a child’s proper growth patterns and intellectual maturation, we also make sure that our children will go to school armed with a clear understanding of what is right and what is wrong, in other words, with a conscience intact. Children can then carry this great gift into adult life: into the workplace, the community, and their own families.

That is an ideal portrait of a nuclear family, reproducing itself and handing down its values to each successive generation. But it’s not really the picture of society today, is it? Over 78 million Americans are growing up in single-parent households. We have made many long voyages sailing away from the concept of family in the last fifty years. It’s difficult to brag about something as affirmative as family values in a climate of unspeakable crime and abuse, one in which our big cities seem to be incapable of defending the average citizen. Even the bucolic countryside with its peaceful little towns can be infected with an epidemic of sleaze.

Each one of us can contribute to the cause of helping families in trouble, whether or not we have a viable family of our own. If values aren’t being passed down within a family, because no one seems to know what they are, then we can help teach them—in a gentle and nondictatorial fashion, including by our own example—to the people who cross regularly in and out of our lives (baby-sitter, executive assistant, hairdresser, physical trainer, music teacher, housekeeper, gardener, saleswoman, garage mechanic, clinic technician, whoever!). When a great friend of yours gets a divorce, that does not mean that you must divorce that person’s children, to whom you have been close. Keep up those precious relationships. The death of someone’s spouse should mold all the members of that family, living near and far, into a more cohesive unit, so that the incantation “We’re here for you” really means something. Siblings can answer even an unspoken SOS within a family, and come together to form a wall of protection and healing for the one who needs help. Anyone who sees something broken in a family she loves can often fix it, but don’t do as I have all through my life, try to fix up something “when it ain’t broke” in the first place!

MANNERS WITH THOSE CLOSE TO YOU

It’s only common sense. The people closest to you warrant an extra measure of consideration, including a baby, someone’s new spouse, or someone who has just been feeling depressed. After all, they’re part of your daily life, and nothing can sour the atmosphere quite so much as friction among family members and others sharing a common living space. If it takes a great deal of work and resolve to keep that set of relationships warm and smooth, so what? What is of greater importance?

When I hear someone refer to “the Nuclear Family” I immediately picture a house, with the top floor occupied by the recipients of great affection and respect—the parents or grandparents of either person. My spouse and I are on the floor below, so we can keep tabs on all the floors, above and below. Our children are on the floor below us. (Perhaps dogs also live on all three floors of bedrooms.) Somehow a new spouse, or a significant other, and any stepchildren from past marriages can always manage to fit into this house. So can children who have left the nest after school and then returned for one reason or another. Every single occupant of this house should share the load of support, responsibility, encouragement, and fulfillment of certain duties. (A baby has only the duty to smile once in a while and keep its noise down to a bearable decibel.) Above all, each occupant must learn sensitivity toward every other member of this family. The cement holding this complex set of relationships together is simply good manners and thinking about someone other than oneself all the time. The basis of this strong building material is, of course, something called love.

COURTESIES THAT HOLD YOUR NUCLEAR FAMILY TOGETHER

If you’re fortunate enough to be one of those in a traditional nuclear family, look around you. You’re in a key position. Look at that symbolic house. There may be family on the top floor (your parents and grandparents); you and your spouse or significant other occupy the center of the house, and the ground floor is occupied by your children, your mate’s children, their children to come. What you do, what you teach, the example you give, the kindness you show, has a major effect on the happiness of the people on the floors above and below.

Consideration and good manners cement many different family relationships, but it’s the relationships that evolve out of marriage or partnerships that particularly benefit from kindness and we-ness.

For example, family members can do many things to be nice:

• When a family member is in the hospital, visit often, but also call every day to inquire “How are things going?” and ask “What can I do for you?” Also, most important of all, be a fountain of happy news, good stories, and events of human interest. An upbeat voice on the telephone can do more for a patient’s morale than anything else, except, perhaps, bringing the patient’s favorite ice cream or a roast beef dinner from a good restaurant!

Organize the family members to take turns visiting and checking up on the care of this person. Do not abandon a family member—ever.

• Faithfully remember every anniversary of note, birthday, and any event worth celebrating in that person’s life. Take, for example, when a little nephew receives his First Communion. Send him a card and add a message by hand: “This is a big event in your life, Ricky. It’s a very special day and we’ll all be there with you, when you receive the sacrament.” You just might add as an afterthought to the card a check for $10 or any amount you care to send.

• Take note of any achievement in your family:

When a grandson makes the rowing team at college, send him a congratulations card, saying how proud everyone is of him.

When you hear that a niece played the piano in a concert at school, send her a card saying you hear she played like a Paderewski, and you are so proud of her!

When you hear that your brother, living in another city, has won a tennis tournament, send him a teasing congratulatory e-mail, saying something like, “It’s plain to see all of the tennis instruction I gave you in past years is bearing fruit.”

When you happen to know that the recipe of your aged, ailing grandmother for angel food cake was used at a family birthday party, send her a note about it, including a snapshot of family members at the party.

• Notice when someone seems to be having a hard time, physically, mentally, emotionally, or financially, and take action to help. When the family doesn’t seem to be aware of—or care about—the sufferings of one of their members, it is a lamentable situation that needs correcting. When family members move to help, it makes the whole world seem bright with promise and good tomorrows.

• Initiate all kinds of reasons why the family should get together. It takes only one person to galvanize the whole group. Help organize family reunions on holidays, wedding anniversaries, second and third weddings, whatever! With e-mail, there is no excuse for anyone to say, “I didn’t know about it …”

• Make sure that someone is doing the family history. You may be of the opinion that “someone else should do it.” Realistically, it is a lot of work, but only one person should be delegated to do it. Otherwise, it won’t get done. Get Great-Uncle Harry a little tape recorder, teach him how to use it if he doesn’t know how, and have him talk into it whenever he is feeling clear-headed and anxious to reminisce. Gather family papers and photos, copying the important ones and sending everything back eventually. When there are family reunions, you can be the one with the tape recorder, catching people’s memories of past holiday gatherings, anniversary celebrations, children’s graduations, or any occasion when funny or endearing incidents may have occurred. Train family members to send you an e-mail when they suddenly remember something of note. Be the family archivist. Your family is precious. Save it, for handing down to future generations, for everyone—cousins, stepsisters, ex-parents-in-law. Family pets, going way back into the generations, are also very worthy of inclusion in the family history.

WITH YOUR MATE

A prime cause for unhappiness in marriage (when I use the word “marriage” in this book I mean a long-term committed relationship) is when one begins to take the other for granted. Some commonsense suggestions to remember:

• There must be compromise, on matters large and small.

• A spouse or significant other deserves building up every so often, never putting down, in front of family members.

• When one of the pair suffers a major disappointment it is a signal for the other one to drop everything and help.

• Even if you don’t like your partner’s parents, be a good actor.

• Be equally nice to all of your mate’s friends so you will have the right to demand the same.

• Be punctual for the engagements your significant other deems important.

• Give in once in a while on major decisions, if it means your marriage will be saved.

• Compliment your partner often. Every time there’s a social event, for example, make a fuss over your mate. “How handsome (or beautiful) you look tonight!”

• Don’t make fun of your partner’s failures or faux pas. Then maybe your partner will do the same for you. Brag about your mate’s successes to everyone. Then maybe your mate will do the same for you.

• An unexpected little gift every now and then for which there is no reason is a genius idea.

• Keep in constant touch with one another, no matter where you are or what you’re doing. (Remember, however, always to keep the rules of good cell phone etiquette in mind.)

• Learn about what your partner does all day. Be able to discuss your partner’s job or profession intelligently and proudly.

• Consult one another as equal partners on everything major concerning the children, and never let them feel anything but equal love or concern from both parents.

WITH YOUR MOTHER- AND FATHER-IN-LAW

When you marry, your mate’s parents become part of your inner family and should be treated as such. Give them love and respect from the outset, and you’ll not only win their reciprocated love and respect—you’ll strengthen your relationship with your own spouse.

• Make them feel their visits to your home are welcome, not an imposition.

• Arrange to have your children see them as often as possible.

• Don’t take their baby-sitting help for granted; remember how pressured they may be by their own problems, so don’t abuse their kindness.

• Never criticize them within earshot of your children; always refer to them with affection and respect.

• If they live in another town, telephone them regularly, and always observe their birthdays and anniversary.

• If one of them becomes widowed, give much more of yourself than before to the remaining one.

• If one of them grossly oversteps the bounds of acceptable behavior, either in advising or criticizing you or your children, explain what that person has done wrong with tact and kindness. Keep your voice calm and show you are in control of your emotions. Cool down; the situation will get better if you take the lead. (And no matter how poor your relationship may be at any given moment, never cut anyone off from a grandchild.)

• Have your children write thank-you notes to their grandparents within a week of receiving any gifts from them.

• Welcome instead of resent it when grandparents give your children some needed lessons in table manners when they take them out for a meal or quiet them in public.

• Welcome their moments of reminiscing, and tape those conversations whenever possible for your family history. Make them feel a part of your generation, too. (That means comments like this are never heard in your house: “You wouldn’t understand, because you’re too old.”)

• Never make fun of their forgetfulness or other signs of aging. Never allow your children to tease their grandparents, but rather treat them always with respect. Remember, someday you will be there, too.

WITH YOUR SON AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW OR DAUGHTER AND SON-IN-LAW

When you are the parents-in-law, be the best there are. The most important basis of a happy relationship with your children and their spouses is to accept that they must lead their own lives and raise their children their way, not yours.

• Learn to sit on any criticism you might have of how they live or how they are raising your grandchildren—because, realistically, they will not be interested in your views.

• When your advice is sought, give it freely and lovingly, then drop the subject and don’t expect to receive such a request very often.

• If you can’t say something nice about their house and its decor, don’t say anything at all. Walk into their house with smiles, not criticisms.

• Don’t push too aggressively for invitations; appreciate the fact that they may be very busy—too busy to entertain you.

• Ask them out to dinner more often than they ask you to their house. Be very sensitive to their reaction when you suggest coming over—it may be the wrong time, in which case, back off.

• If you sense marital discord, don’t question anyone about it. Wait until one of them speaks to you—and never ever question the children about it.

Remember your son- or daughter-in-law’s birthday with the same enthusiasm you remember your child’s.

• Offer to baby-sit, but don’t act as though this puts them in your debt.

• If you’re feeling neglected, call them, but just to check in, never to complain. A surefire way to cheer yourself up is to talk to your grandchildren on the telephone.

• Always pick up after yourself in their house; offer to help them clean up, too. If they say no, don’t argue!

• Help them out if you can when they’re going through a tough time financially. This may result in giving them a loan at no interest, in forgiving a debt, or in devising some creative way out of their problem. (As a daughter who had her hand in her father’s pocket her entire life, I can say with conviction that it takes a wonderful parent to remain generous for so many years!)

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Table of contents

• Cover
• Dedication
• Contents
• Acknowledgements
• Manners from the Heart
• PART 1: EVERYDAY RELATIONSHIPS FOR OUR TIMES
• PART 2: ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS ABOUT MANNERS YOU THOUGHT THAT NO ONE HAD TO ASK ANYMORE
• PART 3 THE RITES OF PASSAGE
• PART 4: THE ART OF ENTERTAINING
• PART 5: DIFFICULT TIMES: HEALING YOURSELF AND OTHERSWHEN TROUBLE STRIKES
• PART 6: THE KEY TO GOOD COMMUNICATION: MORE THAN ELECTRONICS
• Afterword
• Index
• Copyright