The 5 Essential People Skills

How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts

Dale Carnegie Training

• Publisher: Simon & Schuster
• Year: 2009
• eBook ISBN: 9781439134764
• Topic: Business
• Subtopic: Business Communication
• Index: Business

From one of the most trusted and bestselling brands in business training and throughout the world, The 5 Essential People Skills shows how to deliver a message to others with power and clarity, how to build loyalty and inspire creativity by demonstrating assertiveness, and how to be assertive. Put these five essential skills to work and begin your transformation! Have you ever walked away from a conversation full of doubts and insecurities? Do you feel as if you've lost a little ground after every staff meeting? Most of us are either too passive or too aggressive in our business life, and we end up never getting the support, recognition, or respect we desire. The business leaders and trainers from Dale Carnegie Training have discovered that applying appropriate assertiveness to all your interactions is the most effective approach to creating a successful career. The 5 Essential People Skills will help you be the most positively commanding, prosperous, and inspired professional you can be. You will learn how to: · Relate to the seven major personality types
· Live up to your fullest potential while achieving personal success
· Create a cutting-edge business environment that delivers innovation and results
· Use Carnegie's powerhouse five-part template for articulate communications that grow business
· Resolve any conflict or misunderstanding by applying a handful of proven principles Once you master these powerful skills, you will be well on your way to a new level of professional and personal achievement.

Gain strength from the positive and don’t be sapped by the negative.

—Dale Carnegie

CHAPTER 1 An Introduction to Assertiveness

Just over seventy years ago, Dale Carnegie published a book that remains one of the most influential works of the past hundred years. What’s more, it will probably be one of the most influential in the next century as well. That book is called How to Win Friends and Influence People. The title could not be much clearer, could it? The ideas that it contains are every bit as clear, and as valid, today as they were in 1936, when the book first appeared. Although How to Win Friends and Influence People is a monumental document in the history of personal development, it was a true groundbreaker when it first appeared. Before the publication of Dale Carnegie’s book, the whole concept of people skills didn’t really exist. Yet today we take it for granted that some approaches are better than others in human interactions.

Dale Carnegie’s book put forth timeless human relations principles that remain essential today. In fact, their influence is greater than ever before. With the advance in technology and the speed of business, those who master interpersonal skills not only are a greater asset in today’s workplace but achieve greater success. Computers and cell phones have made a big difference in our lives, but the importance of effective people skills has not diminished and it never will.

It really is impossible, however, to discuss a topic like people skills (especially in a business environment) without referring to the Internet, cell phones, and emails. These things are everywhere. Where you go, they go. The new technologies have certainly sped up the way things get done in the modern workplace, but they’ve also raised the expectations of how fast things need to get done. Today, people don’t say they need something done tomorrow. They need it “yesterday.” It’s strange but true, and it’s also something of a paradox. Work in many ways has become easier and faster, but work-related tensions are probably higher than ever before. Stress is everywhere and always—and we all know that when tensions are high, the potential for friction between individuals rises proportionately.

This is the reality we’re living in. There’s no getting around it. This is the environment in which we must learn to succeed. And when I say “we,” I mean “you,” no matter who you are or what your career path might be. It doesn’t really matter what area of the economy we are in, because the same forces are at play everywhere. So you’d better get on board. Dale Carnegie said it very well: “No matter what your line of work, even if it’s in one of the technical professions, your degree of success depends on your ability to interact effectively with other people.” Despite the fact that the technical professions are now the most potent sector of the American economy, those words still hold true.

EXPLORATION AND SELECTION

In the chapters that follow, we’re going to be looking closely at exactly what’s involved in assertive interactions. Our exploration will be quite selective. We’ve deliberately tried to make the subjects covered in this book very specific and sharply focused. The purpose here is not to say everything but to say a relatively small number of things very well. There are already fine books on the market dealing with conventional topics like effective listening or the keys to making a good sales presentation. But why cover ground that’s been thoroughly explored? Instead, we’re going to be looking at new areas, including five in particular: rapport building, curiosity, communication, ambition, and conflict resolution—plus other topics that are natural extensions of these.

But there is one aspect of people skills that can never really receive enough attention, because it’s the foundation of every kind of effective human interaction.

We’re referring to assertiveness: the ability to speak and act in ways that naturally cause people to respond attentively and positively. It is the basic core element that is at the center of each of the five essential people skills. If you’re not prepared to assert yourself in a positive and proactive manner, nothing else can possibly happen. So let’s begin by looking at the real meaning of assertiveness in today’s work environment—where you really must make yourself stand out in order to get any attention at all. As this discussion goes on, we’ll see how assertiveness differs from other, less effective forms of interaction.

There are a few things we can take for granted. Every human being, for example, has the desire to be treated fairly. We may not feel like fairness is happening, but at least fairness is something we want. What’s more, when we feel we are not being treated fairly, we should insist on being treated fairly. We shouldn’t just roll over on our backs and play dead, although that’s more or less what many people do. To be treated fairly we must clearly, tactfully, and effectively express our preferences, needs, opinions, grievances, and other feelings. Nobody else should have to do this on our behalf. We have a responsibility to express our own needs. We also have a further responsibility to do so in an appropriate and productive way. If we don’t do that, we are not only depriving ourselves of what we deserve, we are also depriving the people around us of the real contributions we have to make.

PUTTING OUR RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILITIES INTO ACTION

Establishing reasonable parameters for being treated fairly is what assertiveness really means. These are like traffic laws: Getting where you want to go is important, but that doesn’t mean you can run all the red lights. Assertiveness is the middle ground between the two extremes of reckless aggressiveness and defeatist passivity. The genuinely assertive person is neither one of these. Aggressive people are self-centered, inconsiderate, hostile, and arrogantly demanding. They drive people away. Passive people are weak, compliant, and disrespectful of his or her own best interests. They also drive others away—except perhaps for aggressive people! Between these two poles, however, are people who know how to make their ideas known without preventing others from doing likewise. Your task is to become one of those people. Men and women who can do that are assertive people, and the purpose of this book is to show you how to become one of them. Once you master this skill, you will be doing what’s best for yourself and for everyone around you.

That’s the broad overview. When we begin to look more closely at assertiveness, however, the picture becomes more complex and even paradoxical. It’s much easier to see what assertive isn’t than what it is. While it’s easy to characterize people who are blatantly aggressive or extremely passive, it’s not always simple to express exactly what constitutes assertive behavior. This isn’t really an unusual situation when talking about people’s behavior. Like many other important human qualities, assertiveness is easier to recognize than it is to define. So let’s look at the evidence. We’ll begin by looking at some real-life situations in which the quality of assertiveness can come into play.

A REAL-LIFE EXAMPLE OF EFFECTIVE ASSERTIVENESS

Imagine that you’ve just completed an important project at work that consumed several weeks of your time. What a relief! The project involved working together with a large number of other people, and in the end it all went quite well despite the many different personalities involved. Everyone made a contribution, and the result was very successful. But the story doesn’t end there. Now you find out, unfortunately, that one member of the team has been singled out for special praise by your supervisor. This seems totally arbitrary and unfair. For some reason, only this one person was called into the supervisor’s office to receive a personal congratulation.

How would you feel when you heard about this? Not good, obviously. But more important, how would you respond? Would you respond at all? An aggressive person, of course, would feel hostility toward the manager and to the person who was singled out for praise. There would be angry feelings, and there might also be harsh words at some point. A passive person, on the other hand, would probably refuse to admit that anything questionable had taken place, and would certainly not take any action.

The assertive response is somewhere between those two extremes. To see what this involves, we have to begin with a principle that will influence all of the lessons throughout this book. Our focus here will be primarily on assertiveness and people skills in a business setting. We must, therefore, consistently have a professional viewpoint, as opposed to a personal one. In the situation we’ve just described, an assertive response involves knowing how you really feel and then finding a way to express those feelings in the context of a business environment.

Suppose, for example, you make an appointment with the manager in question to air your feelings. Even if you’re personally hurt by the fact that someone else seems to be getting too much credit for the work your whole group performed, it would be a mistake to start by bringing those personal feelings into the discussion. This is a business setting, so keep the focus on business. No matter what you may think, it’s going to sound like you’re whining if you talk only about your personal feelings. “If you say something like, “I did just as much work as George, and now he’s getting all the credit,” you’ll sound very unprofessional.

A more assertive approach would sound something like this: “I understand that you’re pleased with George’s work on the project, and I’m really glad to hear that, because he made some important contributions. There is one thing that concerns me. This was a group effort, and all of us devoted a significant amount of time to the project, including me. When the time comes for my performance review, I want to be sure that I receive the same recognition that George does. This is really important to me. While it would be gratifying, of course, if each of us could also receive a personal thank-you, my main concern is how this will affect my career opportunities in the organization.”

By focusing on the business-related aspects of this situation, as opposed to the emotional elements, a very useful effect is created. It’s one that we’ll refer to a number of times in the book. You see, both the overly passive response and the overly aggressive one are essentially childlike behaviors. In any business setting, the person who seems most mature always comes out best. If you pout and whine or throw a tantrum, you’ll be on the losing end of the encounter. You would do best by displaying assertiveness. It is the adult response between the two poles of childish acting-out.

If we look more closely at some specific components of assertive action, you’ll begin to see how this idea of the child and the adult plays out.

BREAKING DOWN THE COMPONENTS OF ASSERTIVENESS

Assertiveness is an antidote to fear, shyness, passivity, and even anger, all of which are childlike emotions. Assertiveness means speaking up, making reasonable requests, and generally insisting that your rights be respected as a significant, equal human beings. Assertiveness is also the ability to express negative emotions without personalizing the problem. An assertive person knows how to question, to disagree, and even to refuse without seeming childish. Assertiveness is being able to question authority from a positive perspective. It’s the power to ask Why?—not just to rebel but in order to assume responsibility for making things better.

For the balance of this chapter, we’ll look at four specific steps we can follow to implement assertiveness in virtually any setting. These three steps will be the foundation of all the assertive strategies we’ll be discussing in the first two chapters.

STEP 1: Preparing with Self-Reflection

Today there are a variety of assessment tools to help us determine our strength sand opportunities for improvement. Particularly useful are 360-degree assessments because input is received from a variety of sources and can help reveal our blind spots. Dale Carnegie Training offers a variety of assessment tools that can be found on their website, www.dalecarnegie.com/assessments.

For the purposes of this book, we will take an informal assessment as a first step toward becoming an assertive person and building assertiveness into your people skills repertoire. Once we recognize where we are right now, we can then recognize where changes are needed and believe in our ability to make those changes.

For example, are you a person who often feels that you’re being taken advantage of? If so, ask yourself if this is really an accurate picture of what’s happening in your life. If you decide that it is accurate, what needs to change? Chances are, you’re someone who has difficulty saying no, even when “no” is exactly what’s called for. It may be helpful to start writing down situations in which you’ve confronted this issue. Keep a diary of the times you’ve said no, including how you felt when you said it. If you do this for a period of time, you’ll see how your inhibitions will diminish as you really begin to confront them.

Perhaps you’re on the other end of the spectrum. Can you cite instances in which you’ve been very outspoken? Have any of these crossed the line into aggressive behavior? Be honest with yourself about this. If the answer is yes, ask yourself if this is really helping you or hurting you. Is aggressiveness something that you really want to build into your personality, or is it just a substitute for the more adult response that assertiveness represents? Once again, try keeping a log of situations in which you felt yourself becoming aggressive. Track your progress in gaining control over those feelings.

As you do this, be aware that positive change isn’t going to happen by itself. You may feel some anxiety, or even real fear, about becoming an assertive person. Write about this in your diary. Is there someone you can talk with about the changes you’re trying to make? Speak with that person about the specific situations and feelings that concern you.

You might also want to explore the origins of the emotions that you’re feeling.

Where do your values in dealing with other people really come from? When you make a decision about how to behave in a specific situation, whose voice do you hear in your mind? Who are the people from the past who are subconsciously influencing your behavior in the present?

The truth is, as children we’re bombarded with rules—don’t be selfish, don’t insist on being first, don’t make mistakes, don’t be emotional, don’t be unreasonable, don’t interrupt, and many more. Most of these rules are very valuable and well intentioned, but if they were downloaded into your consciousness with too much force, you may have magnified them beyond their original purpose. What’s more, despite the good reasons for many of these rules, every one of them can legitimately be broken under certain conditions.

For example, you have a right to be first, at least sometimes. You are allowed to make mistakes, as long as you intend to learn from them. You have a right to say you don’t have enough time for something, if in fact you really don’t have enough time.

STEP 2: Conducting an Honest Self-assessment

Most feelings of submissiveness or aggressiveness have their roots in early life. It’s time to identify those origins and to realize that you’ve outgrown them.

As this process of recognition takes place, be aware also of the harm that’s done when you back away from appropriately assertive behavior. When you act aggressively, for example, you’re likely to incur feelings of guilt that can become very burdensome over time. When you allow people or circumstances to dominate your legitimate needs, a loss of self-respect takes place. At first you may think that not trying to assert yourself is a choice, but eventually it can translate into a belief that you really don’t have any power.

In any personal or professional development effort, accurate self-assessment is the essential first step, and you should pull out all the stops to do this successfully. It’s not always easy to look in the mirror and really know what you’re seeing, however, and it’s certainly not easy for other people to tell you. Self-awareness and self-assessment are so crucial that taking a bo...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Preface
• Chapter 1: An Introduction to Assertiveness
• Chapter 2: The Three-Part Assertion Message
• Chapter 3: Assertive Rapport Building
• Chapter 4: Tactics for Assertive Rapport Building
• Chapter 5: Assertive Curiosity
• Chapter 6: Maximizing Assertive Curiosity in Business
• Chapter 7: From Curiosity to Understanding
• Chapter 8: Etiquette: Rules of the Road for People Skills
• Chapter 9: Persuasion as a People Skill
• Chapter 10: Asking Questions Skillfully
• Chapter 11: Assertive Speaking
• Chapter 12: Assertive Listening
• Chapter 13: Assertive Ambition
• Chapter 14: Maximizing Results with Assertive Ambition
• Chapter 15: Assertive Conflict Resolution
• Chapter 16: Assertive Conflict Management and Negotiation
• About the Author
• Copyright