THE CRESCENT MOON HAS ALREADY RISEN, AND Venus is shining brightly in the night sky. Iām following the commander and his men down an unlit back street. At this hour, the metal gates on the neighborhoodās living room emporiums are all down. The relative quiet belies the not-so-clandestine activities of the cityās shadow world, which bursts into life after dark. I watch drunken men stagger away from makeshift street bars and roar off into the dark on throaty Chinese motorbikes. Children in dirty T-shirts and plastic sandals are splashing in swampy puddles created by a combination of daily rain and ruts deep enough to lose sight of a rat, of which there are more than a few.
We pass a small night market, with a cluster of low red and blue plastic tables and stools where small groups of men have gathered to slurp soup and homemade rice moonshine. The vendorsā candles flicker and cast a dim glow on some of the exotic delicacies on offer. Locusts roasted on tiny coal grills. Duck blood with fresh herbs. Deep-fried tarantulas.
Toward the back of this makeshift market, I spot a dozen or so dogs crammed into cages, ready and waiting for the hot pot. I can hear a few of the puppies whimpering in the darkness, see them chewing at their chains. I wonder if they slaughter them right here, too. No one else seems to notice. We enter our fourth karaoke bar of the night through a door so low I have to fold my six-foot-five-inch frame almost in half to make it through.
The darkened room is long and narrow, with a U-shaped leather sectional facing a large-screen TV blaring karaoke in Khmer, the Cambodian language. A young Vietnamese woman in a short blue dress grabs my elbow and leads me to a spot in the middle of the couch. Other hostesses seat the commander and his menāall in Royal Cambodian Armed Forces uniformāon either side of me. These guys are the Cambodian elite, and I need their approval. Although Iām dressed up in a collared white shirt, Iām suddenly self-conscious about my unruly hair and dark jeans next to their pressed fatigues and linear haircuts.
The images of the dogs donāt go away when I close my eyes for a second. I feel for the tiny bottle of green eucalyptus oil in my jacket, shake out a few drops, and slowly rub it into my temples, but it canāt prevent the slideshow of canine slaughter scenarios flickering behind my closed eyelids. Itās after midnight and thereās a full glass of Johnnie Walker Black on the table in front of me, next to a stack of thick plastic binders bursting with photocopied lyrics in six different languages. The table is so low it barely hits my shins.
The rest of the men in the room, whose faces I canāt make out in the dim light, are waiting for me to sing. One of them hands me a microphone.
āU.S.A. song,ā the man in the uniform insists, nudging me. I donāt want to sing, not now, not here. I need to focus on the long and ugly night ahead, and itās hard to keep the mood light. But everyone is smiling, prodding me to go on. This is part of the game Iāve played for the last few years in a dozen other countries. Now Iāll sing āPeace Frogā or āSounds of Silence,ā and the commander will applaud, smile encouragingly, and pass me the dried squid as if to tell me not to worry. Life here is like this. Sing another karaoke number to take your mind off reality.
Iām the only one in the room who knows what Iām singing aboutāthe only one seemingly bothered by the roomās crimson bulbs casting a bloody glow over our gathering. Iāve got to smile, to reassure these men that I can party with them, show them I am not shaken by any of what weāve seen or are about to see. No one goes home until the commander says itās time.
As I continue to sing, I notice a young, pretty girl wearing too much lip gloss. She pours more whiskey over a big chunk of ice, picks up the glass with both hands, and offers it to me with a winning smile. I accept it with a nod, then put the glass down immediately and go for the beer instead, which seems more reasonable considering my physical condition. I never get enough time in one place to recover from the jet lag. I havenāt fully unpacked my suitcase for a long time now.
The girl with the lip glossās name is Mai and her English is pretty good. She has been translating for Commander Nam, along with Anh, whoās sitting on Namās other side, feeding him spicy dried peas.
Only Iām not Jim Morrison in fantastic seventies L.A. I havenāt been home for two weeks now, and havenāt had a good nightās sleep in even longer.
The commanderās men are clapping and humming along to the guitar licks, and I almost start to enjoy myself. But after the familiar Doors lyrics flow out of my mouth, the words of a Cambodian song I heard last night come back to torment my addled mind:
They are part of the national anthem the Khmer Rouge adopted when they took power in 1975, turning the countryās clock back to āYear Zeroā and unleashing four years of genocidal terror on their people. Yesterday I watched a bootleg copy of a new documentary on the Khmer Rougeās tragic reign that brought all the horror back to the forefront.
Shaken by the resurgence of the filmās images and sound, I forfeit the microphone to the soldier next to me, who passes it directly to Commander Nam. Heās already programmed in the next song, a thumping Thai love anthem that has the girls shimmying in their seats.
āCheers!ā Nam turns to me, holding up an Angkor beer with a muscular arm and waiting for me to clink my bottle with his. The aged whiskeyās presence on the table indicates Namās high status, as do the abundant tiny plates of salty snacks and spicy dipping sauces. There is an assault rifle leaning up against the sofa next to a square-shouldered bodyguard. The inevitable strains of what seems to be every Southeast Asian manās favorite American song echo from the huge TV speakers:
Itās my turn again, and I sing the verses by heart without even looking at the screen, stopping every so often to answer Namās pointed questions about my past. He listens intently as Mai translates the encapsulated version: my years at the U.S. Air Force Academy, slave retrievals in Sudan, the work with human trafficking victims. I intentionally leave out the part about Janeās Addictionāthe proverbial sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
My opportunity comes during the long guitar solo.
āCommander, Iām going to Siem Reap to retrieve slave girls,ā I say. āIād like your authorization, sir, and a unit to back me up.ā
I canāt do this kind of work alone or extrajudicially. In order to escape jail, kidnapping charges, or mafia bullets, I have to put together my own paramilitary team before leaving Phnom Penh. No matter how anarchic it seems to the outside observer, Cambodia still has its own rulesāones that have to be learned and followed. I canāt just crash into a brothel on a white horse and break out some girls.
The Cambodian equivalent of a written warrant is an official authorization from within the ranks of the police or the Royal Cambodian Armed Forces, the select corps of men with the access I need. Which is why I have been introduced to Commander Nam.
Nam just nods and makes āMmmā noises while flipping through the plastic binder, making his next selection. I ask him about a raid my contacts at the American Embassy have told me about in the infamous brothel town of Svay Pak, known to locals as K11ānamed after its location eleven kilometers from the city center. Iāve heard there were hundreds of young children enslaved there.
After a long, uneasy silence, Nam makes eye contact with me. Yes, he says, his military unit participated in that bust, which was successful in that most of the brothels there have been forced to temporarily shut their doors. But the traffickers simply found a new location, known as Two oāClock, which he calls āworse than K11.ā Thereās not a lot he can do about it.
One of my friends in the charity world has recommended Nam, so Iām sure heās one of the good guys. Unfortunately, it seems there are plenty of men wearing the same uniform who are not on our side.
Nam watches me consider this, then taps my knee and says in English, āDonāt worry, donāt worry, my friend, my friend.ā
Anh is translating now. āMr. Nam say you want his men help you, you must to do some thing for him before.ā
āOf course,ā I say.
āOkay. You get for him girls on video, say what bad things happen, names of who big boss, pictures where the rooms, what look like, where mamasan, where big boss sleeping.ā
āI can do that,ā I say. I can start to feel the adrenaline flowing. Weāre going to do this.
Nam reaches into his pocket, pulls out a silver pen, and writes down a phone number on a paper napkin. āYou call Mr. Heng,ā he says, putting his index and pinkie to his ear as though talking on the phone. Mai and Anh beam at the commanderās successful utterance of a complete English sentence. Anh hand-feeds him a morsel of seaweed while Mai pours us both a celebratory glass of whiskey. Both girls take sips from their tall glasses of orange soda.
āMr. Heng speak good English,ā says Mai. āBetter than me. You call him tomorrow.ā
āOkay,ā I say, after telling Mai that her English is very, very goodāat least better than my Khmer or Vietnameseāand we all laugh and clink glasses again. Our meeting is over, andāas my military education has taught me to doāI wait for Commander Nam to stand up before me. But first he has a parting song in mind for us.
I recognize the opening bars of a song from my childhood, written by David Gates. Itās hard to imagine that while my brother, sister, and I were gathered around our turntable in Southern California singing Bread songs, half a world away hundreds of thousands of Cambodians were being summarily exterminated, tortured, or starved to death.
Sappy as the song may be, Iām suddenly singing my heart out, forgetting my surroundings, and drifting away to thoughts of my bedridden father in California. I know heās probably asking Juanita and Maxima, his live-in nurses, how much longer it will be until I come home to take care of him. I miss him, too. Our relationship has grown stronger as his body and mind have grown weaker. Missing him this way, I canāt help but sing the song to Papa in my heart.
Commander Nam grabs my arm and shakes me out of my reverie. Concern for my father is rising up in my chest, but I canāt let Nam see that my thoughts have drifted elsewhere. Heās decided itās time to go, even though the song is only half through. I quietly lay down the microphone and do my best to tidy up the table while I wait for the signal. Iām used to dealing with military men, and have learned how to follow their sometimes capricious orders.
We walk out of the karaoke room through a different door than the one we entered and find ourselves standing in a modest family kitchen. The folding table is sticky with fish sauce and littered with used rice bowls and chopsticks. The karaoke parlor must be this familyās living room. Mai and Anh will probably have to wash these dishes and clean up our mess, too. But I canāt bother the commander with thoughts like this. He brushes past me and slides up the metal grill, stepping into the empty street. Itās 3 A.M. and we both want to get some sleep.
Namās driver opens the back door of his black Mercedes and gestures for us to slide in. We bump through the side streets of the city for a few minutes before bursting onto the smooth tarmac of Norodom Boulevard. Now weāre back in the other Phnom Penh, where shiny SUVs with tinted windows are starting to outnumber cheap imitation-Honda motorbikes. The contrast between Phnom Penhās dusty back alleys and its revamped riverfront is jarring. On the way back to the Phnom Penh Hotel, my tired eyes take in Independence Monument, Wat Phnom, and a shiny, ultramodern shopping mall complete with pop music blasting from outdoor speakers. The display of wealth is harder to swallow when itās juxtaposed with the kind of desperation Iāve witnessed today. But a small part of me wants to find an air-conditioned bookstore, sit down to sip a chai latte and block out the present for a few moments.
The next morning I wake up in my hotel room with a slight hangover. Itās only eight oāclock, but the humidity is already heavy on the flimsy rayon curtain half covering the window. I may still look the part, but at thirty-nine I just donāt feel like a party boy in the mornings anymore. Regardless, a party boy looking for underage girls has to appear to be drinking while he thinksāitās part of the image. Guys ordering round after round of Pepsi might as well be admitting theyāre vice agents.
No matter how exhausted I am, I always make time for my morning ritual. Reading scripture, meditating, and praying immediately after waking centers me and gives me the perspective to face the challenges of days like these. I flip open to the book of Exodus, and reread the passage where Moses confronts Pharaoh and the magicians about the slaves in Egypt, asking them to ālet my people go.ā But today there isnāt time for as much study or reflection as Iād like. Iāve got to move before the heat reaches its peak. I dress quickly in jeans and a loose-fitting cotton shirt and take the back stairs so as to avoid the lobby staff. Iām still not sure whom I can trust.
A motodop driver is straddling his motorbike just outside the front door, waiting for me. āToday Mr. A-Ron I take you to Killing Fields! You understand Cam-BO-DYA, you go Killing Fields very important,ā he says enthusiastically.
Rith was my driver the night before last. He thinks Iām an American tourist here to have a good timeāsee the sights, maybe find a nice girl to hang out with for a couple of days. He took me to what he called the ābestā party places and then waited outside for me for hours, purely in the hope of getting the one-dollar fare home. āI must to eat!ā Rith had said with a smile when he saw me nod in his direction. I had just stepped out of my fifth and final karaoke parlor of the nightābleary-eyed from all the whiskey and Cokesāand it was good to see a familiar face. I had paid Rith twice the regular priceāso itās only normal he should want to be my escort today at his cou...