Beyond Heaving Bosoms

The Smart Bitches' Guide to Romance Novels

Sarah Wendell, Candy Tan

• Publisher: Touchstone
• Year: 2009
• eBook ISBN: 9781416571254
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Literary Criticism History & Theory
• Index: Social Sciences

The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name...

We do it in the dark. Under the sheets. With a penlight. We wear sunglasses and a baseball hat at the bookstore. We have a "special place" where we store them. Let's face it: Not many folks are willing to publicly admit they love romance novels. Meanwhile, romance continues to be the bestselling fiction genre. Ever. So what's with all the shame?

Sarah Wendell and Candy Tan -- the creators of the wildly popular blog Smart Bitches, Trashy Books -- have no shame! They look at the good, the bad, and the ugly in the world of romance novels and tackle the hard issues and questions:

-- The heroine's irresistible Magic Hoo Hoo and the hero's untamable Wang of Mighty Lovin'

-- Sexual trends. Simultaneous orgasms. Hymens. And is anal really the new oral?

-- Romance novel cover requirements: man titty, camel toe, flowers, long hair, animals, and the O-face

-- Are romance novels really candy-coated porn or vehicles by which we understand our sexual and gender politics?

With insider advice for writing romances, fun games to discover your inner Viking warrior, and interviews with famous romance authors, Beyond Heaving Bosoms shows that while some romance novels are silly -- maybe even tawdry -- they can also be intelligent, savvy, feminist, and fabulous, just like their readers!

Choose Your Own Man Titty

People accuse romance novels of being impossible to differentiate from each other, and nobody knows the untruthiness of this more acutely than we Smart Bitches. If nothing else, just look at the mind-boggling variety of heroes who inhabit Romancelandia. You have your choice of tall, dark, alpha billionaires; tall, dark, alpha police detectives; tall, dark, alpha dukes, tall, dark, alpha pirates; tall, dark, alpha (and angsty, so very, very angsty) vampires; tall, dark, alpha werewolves…

Okay, so we kid. There are the occasional tall, blond, alpha males.

With such a mind-boggling variety of heroes to suit your palate, how do you choose which one is right for you?

By shamelessly stealing an idea from our geeky childhoods, of course. We here at Smart Bitches are proud to present: Choose Your Own Man Titty. That’s right: using only the finest diagramming technology available (also known as “a pencil, a piece of paper, and a whole lot of erasing”), we provide you herein with an invaluable service that allows you to match the perfect hero to the type of heroine you are, thus allowing you to cohabitate forever and ever in amazing nookerific (if fictional) bliss, amen. Just follow along with these tantalizing scenarios, make your choice, and turn to the appropriate numbered sections.

The Adventure Begins!

You wake up in the morning, the sun bright in your eyes. You stretch and sigh, anticipating the start of a new day, and sit up. The mirror across the room catches your eye. What do you look like?

• You’re unremarkable-looking, in your opinion. A perfectly ordinary, perfectly pleasant face with regular features; people oftentimes think it is a face that has been untouched by the mark of passion. Turn to Option 1 (below).
• Glorious tumbling tresses fall down your back and frame a heart-shaped face with winged brows and a mouth just a touch too wide. Turn to Option 15.
• You have a ritual tattoo of a snake swallowing its own tail encircling your left eye socket, and your hand is wrapped around the katana you always keep within arm’s reach. Turn to Option 24.

Option 1

You’re just barely getting started on your first cup of coffee when the cell phone rings. It’s your surly boss, and he wants you to come in early. What does your boss look like?

• He’s swarthy and chiseled and a captain of enterprise. His mistress is blond and icy, and her manicures are more immaculate than a pregnant Jewish virgin. He occasionally grabs you and shouts a lot. Turn to Option 2.
• He’s short, chubby, intensely hairy, and kind of repulsive, and he’s the head of the newspaper you work for. Turn to Option 7.

Option 2

The boss is in fine mood today. His mistress is storming out of his office just as you get in, and she shoots you an especially poisonous look from beneath her perfectly groomed brows, making you feel like even more of a mouse than you usually do. The boss comes out of his office shortly thereafter, barking that he wants you to do an impossible task before lunch and pick up an order from an exclusive and prohibitively expensive lingerie store during your break.

Do you:

• Do as you’re told? Turn to Option 3 (below).
• Quit, because nobody needs this shit? Turn to Option 4.

Option 3

You complete the impossible task perfectly, despite its impossibility, all the while daydreaming in excruciating, redundant detail about your boss’s brooding masculine presence and feeling a writhing mass of emotions roil through you every time you contemplate picking up the order from the lingerie store: a strange amalgam of jealousy, resentment and…something else. Something you can’t quite put your finger on.

Just then, Travis, the flirty but extremely gay coworker drops by your desk and starts talking with you. He leans down to give you a big hug after taking a look at your haggard face and offers to take you out to lunch. Just as he makes the offer and rubs your back comfortingly, Boss Man walks in and sees the two of you, and you suddenly realize that it must seem like he has just interrupted a romantic interlude. Your heart sinks as his face darkens with anger, and he icily tells Travis to go back to his cubicle, and then summons you to his office.

In the office, he closes the door. “Sit,” he says, voice curt. His black scowl and the way he moves with leashed fury back to his desk make you think of a very large, very angry panther, and your heart speeds up with fear and…something else. Something you can’t quite put your finger on. When he gets back to his desk, he doesn’t take a seat; instead, he leans his hip against the corner of his desk and looks at you, making you squirm just a little in your chair.

“The office isn’t a dating service,” he finally growls out. “I expect impeccable behavior from all my employees, but especially from my personal assistant. Your behavior reflects directly on me, and I’d appreciate it if you’d tell your swarm of Lotharios to bother you after work hours. This is a professional setting, and I will not tolerate unprofessional behavior from anybody under my supervision. Do you understand me?”

Do you:

• Quit, because nobody needs this shit? • Turn to Option 4 (below).
• Feel indignant and attempt to defend yourself? • Turn to Option 5.

Option 4

This is the last straw. You look your boss calmly in the eye and say “Consider my resignation tendered, sir.” As you pack up your desk, you feel both relief and terror. You double-majored in economics and math at the University of Chicago, and it’s kind of ridiculous that you’re stuck in a dead-end job as this short-fused schmuck’s personal assistant. The pay is good, and God knows he’s a hot piece of ass (which, to be honest, is part of the reason you’ve put up with so much), but the shouting and grabbing are really starting to get out of hand. Speaking of which: you realize you owe it to yourself to file sexual-harassment charges. Even if you don’t win, at least there will be something on record for the next poor sap who gets your job. Suck it, Trebek, you think.

You go out for drinks afterward with Travis, your office friend, to celebrate getting out of the company. You’ve always assumed he was gay because he’s slim, wears fitted shirts in jewel tones, and talks with his hands. The two of you proceed to get thoroughly smashed, and you find out that Travis actually really, really, really likes girls. He has, in fact, harbored an intense tendre for you for the last couple of years. Later, he demonstrates this to you—and it turns out he can do a whole lot more with his hands than talk with them. The two of you fall madly in love, and with the settlement from the harassment suit, you decide to start a consulting business. It becomes a thriving concern, and you live Happily Ever After with Travis in a beautiful little condo in the heart of the city.

Option 5

You toss your head in defiance. How dare he? You and Travis have a perfectly innocent friendship! “I don’t understand why you’re so angry!” you finally shoot back at him during a pause in his tirade. “Travis is a good friend, and he’s also—” But before you can say the word “gay,” your boss interrupts you by grabbing your arms in a brutal grip and dragging you out of your chair.

“You little fool!” he grinds out between clenched teeth. “If you are so desperate for attention, I suppose you should have some, then.” He claims your lips in a punishing kiss, his mouth moving over yours with ruthless skill.

Do you:

• Struggle briefly, escape from his grasp and then quit, because really, nobody needs this shit? Turn to Option 4.
• Struggle briefly, and then melt into the wonder of his firm lips caressing yours? Turn to Option 6 (below).

Option 6

You struggle briefly in his grasp, hating him with every fiber of your being. But just as you gasp in pain, his lips magically gentle and start caressing yours with infinite skill, and his tongue traces the seam of your lips. You gasp in surprised pleasure.

As the kiss continues and becomes even more passionate, filling your innocent body with wild urges you barely understand, you are dimly aware of the door opening behind you, but you are so lost in the wonder of his kiss that the significance doesn’t register until you hear the voice of his mistress, her clipped French accent rending your sensual fog asunder: “Sorry to interrupt such a tender tryst. I’ll come back when you’re done with your whore, Demetrios. You know where to find me.”

Your boss releases your lips, but does not let you go; instead, he cradles you protectively against his chest. “It’s over, Amandine,” he said. “I told you this morning I’m in love with someone else.”

Her gray eyes sweep over him with contempt. “You are stupid, indeed, if you think she can satisfy a man like you, mon chèr.” She shrugs her shoulders and turns to go. As she leaves the office, she turns around and says, her voice dripping with disdain, “You will want me back soon enough, and I will take great pleasure in denying you.”

The slam of the door echoes off the walls.

Your heart sinks within as you begin to unravel all the implications of what she has just said. He’s in love with somebody. So intensely that he’s quite literally shown his mistress the door. Ordinary creature that you are, what chance do you have at winning his heart?

For you have now realized that you do want to win his heart, for he has won yours. How could you have been so blind for all this time? The anger, the frustration, the intense jealousy you felt toward his mistress—all were indicators of your love. The realization burns through the core of your soul, and you burst into tears.

Your boss seems startled and holds you close as you sob against him. As your tears show no sign of abating, he whispers in an aching voice, “What is the matter, dear heart?”

“You…you shouldn’t hold me like this!”

“Why ever not?” he asks, a note of amusement creeping into his voice.

It’s unbearable! Your heart is breaking, and the brute is laughing at you. “You’re in love with another woman!” you cry out, and beat him in the chest with a futile fist. “I shouldn’t be here in your arms. She should be.”

A look of puzzlement crosses his harsh, dark features, and then it suddenly clears. “Oh,” he says, voice suddenly husky. “But she already is.” And he bends down to kiss you again.

Even as you drown in the sensation his lips evoke in you, your mind reels in confusion. It almost sounds as if he’s saying…but it cannot be! When he at last releases your lips, you gaze at him with disbelief. “I don’t understand,” you say faintly. “You can’t possibly be saying what I think you’re saying.”

“Oh, but I am,” he assures you.

“But your…that is, Amandine was so beautiful….”

Your boss makes a dismissive sound. “She was cold, cold to the core. I need somebody to warm me up; that was when I realized the person I want most has been under my nose the whole time. Why do you think I call you in to work early all the time? When I saw you talking to Travis, I was so afraid I had waited too long that I lost control. And you, my darling, are infinitely more beautiful than she is.”

“Really?” You look up at him in doubt, but the adoration in his eyes is clear enough even for you to see.

“Yes, really,” he says, and his lips descend to claim yours once again, you surrender your heart fully into his keeping, for you have become…The Boss’s Virgin Boardroom Mistress.

Option 7

Hearing your boss’s voice over the phone gives you chills that you attempt to suppress. For weeks, you’ve dreamed about him almost nightly. In your dreams, his face is twisted with hate and glee, his hands darkly wet; when he’s done, he dumps the children’s bodies near a landfill outside the city.

What fills you most with foreboding is the fact that you have a history of having Dreams That Come True, but this time, it’s patently obvious your dreams are ridiculous. There’s no way you can be working for a murderer; sure, your boss is fat, hunchbacked, obnoxious, and smells like sweaty feet, and sure, you’ve seen him kick at puppies when he thinks nobody is watching, but he’s not a killer. You’ve been working on a big feature piece about a recent rash of child disappearances, and looking at all those pictures and talking to all the grieving parents and teachers must be affecting you more than you think.

You arrive at the office and discover everybody in an uproar. Early this morning, the body of one of the children has been found by the big landfill just outside the city; no other details are available, and everybody is scrambling to find more information. You ignore the uneasy lurch of your stomach and decide to call Detective Nic...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Colophon
• Title Page
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Chapter Cleavage An Introduction to Romance and to the Smart Bitches
• Chapter Petticoat A Brief History of the Modern Romance Novel
• The Bitches’ Dictionary
• Chapter Corset An In-Depth Investigation of the Romance Heroine, Emphasis, Obviously, on “Depth”
• Chapter Codpiece The Romance Hero
• Chapter Secret Cowboy Baby Cringe-Worthy Plot Devices We Know and Love
• The Smart Bitches’ Big Mis Game
• Chapter WTF Defending the Genre (No, It’s Not Chick Porn. Dammit.)
• Chapter Bad Sex Rape in Romance
• Chapter Love Grotto Good Sex, Please!
• Chapter Phallus The Covers, and the Reasons to Snark Them
• Controversies, Scandals, and Not Being Nice
• Choose Your Own Man Titty
• Color by Numbers
• Write Your Own Romance
• Spot the Bullshit Regency Term—It Goes All the Way Up to Eleven
• Chapter Heaving Bosom The Future of the Genre
• Works Cited
• Acknowledgments